All Alone

"All alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot"

That quote from Dr. Seuss's Oh! The Places You'll Go! has been on my phone's main screen since I got it (the phone, that is). Being away from everyone at home has led me to believe that everyone at home lacks judgment in a lot of areas. Well, judgment and the initiative to research an opinion before they spout it and then stake every claim on it.

Gun control, Syrian refugees, presidential candidates (Trump, Carson, Clinton, Sanders), shootings, vaccines, climate change... some of these have clear answers. Not all, admittedly, but enough of them do have clear answers that it is frustrating to see the public view as it is. Like, I care about a lot of these issues, even though it goes against my upbringing, at least geographically. I'm supposed to be a republican 'cause I'm from Texas. But every republican candidate (and republican opinion, it seems) appears to be foolish or simply upsetting. I'm pro-life at least to the extent that I don't think abortion should be viewed as a contraceptive, but I don't really know about the rest. But I do think that it would be healthy to debate it.

I don't know. I get frustrated. Have I become one of the fools who always thinks he's right? I mean, in my mind at least, I'd rather be educated than right. Hope I don't turn into someone I don't like. My trick is usually to look back on my 12-year-old self, because he was the smartest and wisest. Whatever he would do, because he (like me on this island), was not nearly so exposed to the cruel things of this world.

Oh Sister...

It's been far too long. Going into finals, I've got B's all around, so no big worries. In fact, I made a 93 on my last microbiology exam, a point below the highest in the class.

What brings me to ye olde blog is a certain snap story. My youngest sister, who is a week from turning 21, documented her night on the town. It began with her being carded, but somehow, she still managed to take shot after shot in the videos that followed, in addition to beer and other delights. By 11 PM her time, she had had more to drink than I typically do when I'm binge drinking.

And then the updates continued. Her friend was fumbling for her keys, though all were obviously too drunk to drive. Then my sister updated with another video later, her with her on again off again enabling boyfriend. They were both obviously drunk and in the front seats of the car. She said "I hit someone when I was going really fast". The next update showed her boyfriend laying down next to a puddle of his vomit in a parking lot.

Here's the question that plagues the mind: what do I do? What does anyone do to deal with that? The obvious answer is that she should have her license revoked and not allowed to drink. But the boyfriend isn't the only enabler. She has a father who, despite all the logic and reasoning in the world, still manages to see her as a victim of whatever her actions may be. And she burns through cash like crazy as a result. My dad is not currently wealthy enough to support her being an idiot, yet it seems that he does.

There are also the other factors. My dad's best friend committed suicide in August, and our grandma (his mom) passed away last month. So it's not like dad needs more stress. But life seems able to find a way. Or rather, that sister does.

I just don't know what to do about it. That sister is a problem that has taken over family discussions for years now, as we deliberate what can possibly be done to manage her, to make her a functional member of society. She's has brains and is pretty, but she uses both stupidly.

As a medical student, I've learned that many problems are mine, but another great many problems are not. When it comes to family, it's difficult to find where the line is.

So as I prepare to go home, I also prepare to jump back into stupid problems that shouldn't exist, but do because people aren't educated, or are just unwise. Intelligence can be an awful burden.

A lil' itsy tidbit

That same talent show weekend, my grandma on my dad's side had a stroke. She was in the hospital for weeks, and now she has some further hemorrhaging. I think she's still alive, but she isn't likely to be for long. It's weird being so detached from it, but I'm 1200 miles away. I saw her over the last break, and my grandparents had their 60th anniversary. We took pictures and all that. So really, it's kind of okay for this to be the timing, I think.

Anyway, tests are coming up. And November is the month of presentations, which tend to be my strong suit, so we'll see.

Oh, and Med Psych is awful. I'm not sure that any other class has wasted so much time. And the prof won't cancel tomorrow's class (even though we've covered all the material) because he doesn't think it's ethical (he's also the ethics prof).

Ah, the Talent Show

I know, I know, I don't blog enough *crickets chirping*.

Last night, I performed in our med school's talent show. While the show itself was mostly unimpressive, my routine had only improved since I last performed it in college. Back then, I had only recently learned a lot of the moves and had also only just begun working out in order to do the moves well. My routine reflected that, with difficult things edited out so I wouldn't be quite so exhausted throughout. But this time, I was fit enough that that wasn't a concern. I had strength and endurance from the 3 /12 years of regular stretching and exercise since.

So my earlier concern that I wouldn't be able to dance as well as I used to was quickly eradicated as I found myself able to do far more than I could back then. One thing that hadn't changed is the amount of anxiety that builds up. I meant to study yesterday, but I could hardly get myself to read at all. Instead, I practiced for hours (I had only meant to give it a half-hour to get it straight). Whoops.

Anyway, I passed my last exams and have a psych exam tomorrow followed by a microbiology exam the next week. We'll see...

I Suck At Evangelism

I suck at evangelism. When people ask me questions like, "how does God speak to you?" or "why do you believe in that particular God rather than any of the other religions out there?" I never really know how to respond. Learning how to listen to the voice of God was a thing that happened over the course of years, and it still often doesn't come easy. As for why I believe in Jesus Christ as my savior, that to me is once again the tale of my life thus far. I don't think that the basics of it make sense, but I do think that it's more real and more important than all the things in my life that do "make sense". But the Bible says that we should be ready to give an answer to that question, the why of our faith in Christ. So I'm often at a loss.

The Struggle, Mayhaps, Really Is Real

So, I'm in this weird phase of life now. I knew it was coming but it's still catching me off-guard, the realities of it. It's like I'm frozen in time (except that I age) while life passes by. I see my friends and family once in awhile, but mostly, I'm studying for medical school and also the Bible. I'm currently rereading the Old Testament, but with the addition of a study Bible, which means that I am also informed on social, cultural, historical, and various language connotations within a given passage. This leads to challenges, like the fact that the temple of the Hebrews that God instructed Moses to build (with very specific instructions) was very much like other temples of the same time period. This leads me to ask, naturally, whether it was the first of its kind. After all, it has become apparent to me that the creation story presented in Genesis (which is very similar to other texts like Gilgamesh that were written before Genesis was written) was most likely there for the purpose of distinguishing the qualities of the Hebrew, monotheistic God from the pagan, polytheistic gods of the surrounding cultures.

So it's with this in mind that I approach the Old Testament now. The temple and methods of worship may be similar to that of nearby cultures, and it may not be the first religion to have adopted such methods, and that's okay. Why? Because that was the understood way to worship at the time, and in order to properly give glory to God in a way that would be significant to the Hebrews at the time, it may have been necessary to adopt the systems of cultures who worshiped false gods. It's okay if that's the case, because it doesn't change the fact that Jesus was still the ultimate sacrifice who wiped out the need for any others. Jesus doesn't change just 'cause our historical understanding increases. If anything, I think it brings more glory to Him to reveal a world that makes historical and cultural sense.

It's tough to arrive at conclusions like this. It's always a struggle. But the struggling is healthy.

Whoops, back to that earlier point. I see my friends drifting from the faith. Even (and, let's face it, especially) the ones who just a few years ago were seen as sorta leading the next generation. The ones in charge of the youth camps that did so much in me in times past. We always had a reputation for being an amazing youth group, yet years later, I keep discovering all this other stuff that was and continues to go on behind the scenes. I sometimes feel like I was the only genuine one. I have some doubts sometimes, but mostly, I dealt with the major doubts when I was a young teenager, and then decided to trust God over those. I messed up a lot of course, but still, others just seem so resigned to where they are. Premarital sex hasn't become any less a big deal to me, but it seems to have done so for other friends. I mean, making the mistake and repenting is peachy, but when it becomes an okay, normal thing... It's just living in sin. And I hate noticing 'cause it makes me feel judgmental. It just feels like there's a better way, and I used to think that I was one of many living out that better way, but it often just seems like Christianity is dying out. My everything, Jesus, who defines my life, seems to be rapidly losing popularity, and I don't know how to deal with that.

Being Home

Being home cures most things.

Just Tired

Well, the physiology exams are tomorrow. I'm not confident. There's so much information to cover, and I've got 12 hours until the exam. Admittedly, I hit a bit of a road block a few hours ago. There's only so much studying you can do in a given day. Well, only so much studying that I can do. Others are probably better.

I just have to make a 43 on these finals to pass (a point or two higher for neuro). I'm hoping very much that all the overlap from my classes will give me some memory of what I should know. I dunno. I'm just tired and am trying to keep my mind pure and want to go home. Just two more days of testing and I'm done with the semester.

Hopefully my study strategy of thinking that I'm definitely going to fail will help me pass. I'm just tired.

Uno Down, Threeo To Go

The neuro shelf was awful. Once again, the class before us had an easier exam. As they advised, we were expecting more neuroanatomy, but instead, there were hardly any pictures, and the ones that were there were difficult to identify. One question was asking which part was the beginning of the axon, and I couldn't figure out where in the picture the actual neuron was.

Anyway, that's behind me. Next I have to learn physio (and then neuro internal the next day). Studying primarily for the internal exam rather than the shelf, mostly because those should be easier points, since I've scored well on those test questions before already. I just have to make like a 43 on the combined exams. Even when I was failing the class, I made that high of scores. So hopefully I won't fail out.

In any case, I'll be in America in less than a week, and the wait is killing me.

Oh Hey

By the way, I'm alive. I made a 91 in FCM (Playing Doctor) class. Half the test was giving the MOCA exam that I used to give every day at work.

I have my first final tomorrow, the shelf exam for neuroscience. The TA said it was fairly easy, but they also said that about Biochemistry, and that shelf destroyed everyone.

I have a pretty good buffer (78 in neuro and 79 in physio), so I just have to make like a 44 on either one to pass. Or make a B to bump it up to a B overall, but we all know that that won't happen, 'cause that ain't my style.

Been trying to keep my mind pure. Been working out the proper amount, every other day. Haven't had a drink since last weekend due to constant studying, but I'll allow myself a beer to help me relax after tomorrow's exam. And maybe finish off my nice rum. But physio will be harder, so maybe not.

One week till I return to the States. Texas heat is over 100 degrees F these days, but they also have climate controlled areas everywhere that isn't outside. Anywhere in America is better than here. #carefulwhatyouwishfor

Justice

I think it took living on an island as a racial and cultural minority to teach me about justice.

I'm reading the Old Testament again and God is pretty straightforward. You do wrong, consequences follow. You're still loved, and there are wrongs that you can right, but accountability remains throughout.

There are people who don't appreciate this God of the Old Testament. Many people see Him as an angry, wrathful God. And why? It was a theocracy LED by God. Executive, legislative, and judicial branches were all Him.

Justice was always present. It seems like maybe a perfect example of a constant presence of justice, and that just seems good. It seems like people dislike that depiction of God for the same reason they dislike policemen: no one likes consequences. But if you don't speed or run red lights or commit any other crimes, police officers are on your side.

I tell my white friends here that I miss white privilege in America. As a caucasian male from an upper middle class Christian family, the scales will tend to tip in my direction. But someday, I hope that both myself and my generation will be able to rise up and use our authority to make the world a more kind, just place. A place where every day isn't filled with doubt over what cards life will happen to be dealt.

Why Am I Doing It?

Why am I doing it?

My dad emailed me yesterday to tell me that he watched the video of my trip to Uganda three years ago and it made him cry. When I went on that trip, it wasn't like my past trips out of the country. It wasn't pleasant. I didn't feel like I made a difference. It was my first experience in which people in leadership did not handle the leadership properly; this was not my first conclusion, but rather one that I arrived at after being blamed for an error and then seeking The Lord regarding that error. In the hospitals, I knew nothing. I felt helpless. Bedside manners, kindness, these were my only tools. My white lab coat conveyed a false hope regarding my training.

But it was the best mission trip in what it did to me. Day after day I was forced to see the need and be unable to do anything to remedy it.

Fast forward to last semester. I'm in medical school. I messed up but am determined to take back lost ground. And then, no matter how much I study, I am unable to make a passing grade in the class that I've already had multiple times before in lower education. Every bit of the why and what of me being in school was pummeled out of me as I beat myself up for being unable to do better. Everything seemed against me and I learned that in this big kid world, people will be unjust. And if accountability is not a part of the system in place, injustice will prevail overall unless someone happens along with the desire to right the wrong.

So now I'm staring at this cardio exam next week. I knew this material in and out last semester and made a 58 (with a huge curve). Last semester, my objective was to know the material so well that there was no way I would fail. I was also in a point of real desperation, and trusting to my unsaved friend's advice of just working harder and doing better, and trusting in that. Well, I'm simply not good enough to do well on this exam. I'm not. But I am smart enough to know that trusting in God rather than myself is my best bet. It's already committed to Him. If I fail, it's still all His. And if I pass, that will be fortunate, but it's certainly not the point.

I'm here because God saw fit to give me a big calling and the privilege of opportunity to pursue it. It's my job to work hard as unto Him. And then let it be His.

P.S. I've been watching the show Suits a lot, and it's grabbing at my emotional sectors. Unlike Game of Thrones, it is recognized as evil when these characters are evil, and the good is present too. Kinda seems human.

What's To Come

The Old Testament gets a bad reputation. I'm reading it again now and am a few chapters into Exodus and I've gotta say, God has been super nice so far. Granted, up until the Ten Commandments show up, the Israelites (or Hebrews or Jews or whatever) don't have a lot of rules to break. Like when Abraham is supposed to have a kid, so his barren wife says "uh, duh, baby up my servant" and he does. Even though nowadays, we would all be like "Umm, you can't do that 'cause that's not your wife." Jacob is tricked into marrying one girl when he really wants to marry the other, hotter sister, so he ends up marrying both and tricking their father along the way.

These patriarchs, these forefathers of ours were pretty deceitful. In fact, Jacob's name and history both indicate deception. But God's blessings for them weren't dependent on their morals, on the good or bad they did beyond simple obedience to God.

I guess I'm just prepping myself for what's to come. We all know that God blasts the nation of Israel with plagues and various diseases every time they aren't faithful, and while it seemed unfair to me when I was younger, I'm thinking that it's super fair now. There's this whole contrast in society between doing something right to do something right, and doing something right to avoid getting caught (and falling right back into the default wrong when you aren't being watched).

People can be better and God knows it. Our default is to be good, and if we stay fit and healthy with righteous living, we don't need external help outside of God. But if we stop letting Him be our everything, we're stuck with depending on things that we aren't allowed to depend on. And when you're a nation that is led by God, God notices. It's not like dodging a cop. It's dodging an omniscient, omnipresent God. He's gonna see and hear.

Life shouldn't be about avoiding consequences. It should be about living well so that there aren't consequences to face.

Decade Away

Turning 25 sucked. Even aside from the fact that I was studying for an exam all day, I mean. 24 was an age of anticipating 25. I was 23 up until my last few days in Europe... Now, at 25, I've jumped to being a decade away from my anticipated time of death. Not that it's likely to happen, but I do like to plan ahead.

In the words of one of my fellow medical students who was once a flatmate, "You're not an alcoholic if you don't deny it." (I'm just gonna leave this here)

Anyway, time continues to pass at an alarmingly constant rate and I'm just here caught in the winds of it.

Stayin' pure though.

Depression To Apathy To Happiness

Almost a month and a half into this semester and I seem to have finally made that transition from depressed to apathetic to (this week) happy. Grades are pretty good and every two weeks, I get to be lazy (to try to expedite my recovery from the previous two weeks of exams).

Here's what I think has made me happy again. See, last semester, life here was revealed to be incredibly unfair. Injustice seemed to reign unchecked. A professor at a medical school is worse than any substitute teacher you've had in high school? The only hope is to write a bad review of him the next semester, which you gradually realize will only be read by said professor, and not by any administration who might actually change something. In the class that should be the easier of your two difficult ones, you work harder and study in the specific way that you are instructed, and then your grades become worse as a direct result. You feel like you've mastered material (and according to outside practice questions, you have it down), and the result is a worse failure than you've yet had, a huge curve not even bumping you up into the 60's range. Meanwhile, grades are fine, even exceptional, in the classes you (rightly) feared most.

The love of learning was sucked right out of you and replaced with an overwhelming depression that forces its way in any time you think of doing well academically. In a world that quantifies you based on very flawed scoring system, any amount of happiness should really be shocking.

But in walks this semester. Class you're repeating is the same thing. There's no difference except a resentment towards that one professor whose questions caused your failure. Not a conscious, bitter resentment, but the kind that comes from the feeling of betrayal that can't help but linger when you obey the advice of someone who's supposed to know and it backfires in a most awful way.

After that class, though, is the new class, the class you've been looking forward to because of your previous experience in the clinic. That's right, it's neuroscience, and the head professor for the class is the best you've had thus far, for any class in your academic career. Even aside from perks like how he does not want you to preread (which is standard for any and every other class) and how he frequently lets class out early. Even aside from these things, he genuinely gets excited to teach and to have you join with him in the joy of learning, something that every other professor seems determined to drive out of us. We hang on his every word and he is sensitive to us as well. Unlike other professors, he goes over the test with you and tells you his impression of your weak spots (he pointed out that I was weaker in the later material, which is usually true because I review in chronological order, usually cramming by the time I reach the last lectures).

So now I have a class that I look forward to. It's not a matter of trying to force myself to look forward to it, either. I genuinely look forward to that class every day. Of course, another, far worse professor teaches during alternative blocks, so that is the flaw in the class.

Still, the joy of learning has returned, and that, coupled with good grades, is making this semester into a far more sober one. Granted, I drink wine every night now and am almost finished with one bottle of fancy rum and the vodka is 2/3 gone, but still, significantly more sober.

Several Of The Things Maybe

Made a 76 on my second neuro exam (which, by the way, was an awful exam). It was still above average (the lowest grade was a 49 and the highest a 98), so now I'm sitting at an 80.

My second physiology exam is on Monday. I might fail again. Who knows. I've been watching Kaplan videos all day to learn everything they were supposed to teach over the past few weeks. Hopefully I'll be able to not screw things up studying tomorrow.

On the bright side, my workout schedule is currently what it should be. Oh, and I changed my flight home to a day earlier, so I get three full weekends. Every day in America is a better day.

I've felt more and more distant relative to my friends. When you go months without seeing anyone that you used to see at least once in awhile, it takes its toll. I have fond memories, but as I had already explained to friends, I am and will be a different person at are next meetings, and they should be too.

I'm often closer to my female friends than my male friends, but an issue with distance is that objectification becomes a lot easier. If I don't Skype or see an attractive friend (all of my friends more or less meet that description) for awhile, it's easy to only view them in a romantic or sexual manner. But it's like every time I've gone to a bar or club; I can't stand the idea of just hitting on a girl, because I know that there's a real person there. I'm not trying to get a kiss or sex or whatever out of a conversation; I'm just genuinely wanting to get to know a person. But the mind is a tragic thing that will wander when it decides that it can justify stupidity within loneliness. In any case, the thoughts have been filtered and purified, and I'm on an upward trend once again.

I've been drinking red wine every day, after discovering that I can obtain okay wine at an okay price. I do miss the rum, but that is now reserved for nights when I'm not studying to fail an exam.

Anyway, life is awful, only made better/worse by idleness.

Hilariously, that reminds me. I turned 25 last week. It's great because now I've made it into the upper half of age ranges (half of the world's population is under 25). Every day is a trudge towards death. Lalalalalalalala.

*Sigh*

I hate not being in ministry. I hate that my problems are my biggest problems, and that those problems are pretty much made up anyway, just a grading system that decides whether I get to move on from this point of learning to another.

And I hate that I can't say, "Oh, next year will be better" or the year after, or the year after that, because standardized testing is the primary form of testing up until I'm a doctor.

I miss being so close to God. I miss being frustrated that I couldn't hear His voice the way others could. I don't like that I feel so alone in the world, hearing from God so clearly.

I don't know how to deal with my current situation. I'm always sure that I'm going to fail now because when I most definitely should not have failed, I still did so. I am tired of it all and death would be a wonderful release, but that ain't my game, not unless someone forces me to play it (and by all means, do so if you like, but I'm unfortunately quite likable).

"Yes I know I'm but a breath, but I wanna taste and see and feel you nonetheless.
Yeah, the years they keep on turning, and I'm barren but I'm burning for you Lord." -Young Oceans

I feel the passion in this song, feel the passion I once felt, but stirring it back up seems beyond me. Maybe because God is supposed to be the one doing it. All I know is that where I'm at is not where I want to be. I'm always sure that I'm going to fail and I don't want to keep facing tomorrow. I want a new tomorrow to look forward to, one where I'm confident both in my knowledge and in my ability to do well on exams. I want a tomorrow in which I can walk and speak boldly with the spirit of the Lord God Almighty inside of me, and feel it, and see Him work.

...But those days, if they are ever to come, seem a long way off.

Trust...

Even on vacation, you don't always rest. Especially when that vacation is a cruise. I realized this when on Friday night, I passed out after two glasses of wine over the course of a few hours (not much to drink at my tolerance) and was out for a full twelve hours. I realized at that point that it had been something close to a month since my last full night's sleep.

With my new schedule, I spent the weekend watching shows and movies more than I probably should have. But I was still very depressed. But with more sleep, food, and exercise, the depression seems to have lifted.

Before those first exams last semester, before the drop in grades that would end up forcing me to stay on this island for an extra semester, I told God that I'd trust Him even if I failed everything. And then I failed a lot. In the more difficult class, I was able to improve with hard work. In the other class, I was not able to do so. But throughout the stress of that, I tried to keep up with God. And though I kept up with Bible reading and such, I don't think I really kept up with Him. Part of it was the nightcaps that became necessary at the end of the day, that became increasingly stronger every day. But part of it was kinda like what happened in Europe when I asked God to intervene and nothing happened; it felt like He wasn't in the mood for dialogue.

Now, I can always feel God around in my head. It's not a super spiritual thing, more like the strong voice of Good that's always reliable. But it just felt like I was shouting at a wall, my words echoing right back without a hint of a listening ear taking it in.

So just like I did after Europe, I'm trying to build that trust again. With more sleep and less stress, I'm (so far) not in need of nightcaps. I have red wine now, so liquor doesn't have to be my main treat. It can be healthy, especially since the end goal of wine is not always to get drunk; it's just to enjoy some red wine.

I am hoping that I don't fail physiology again. I feel like I know everything they've been teaching in class so far, which makes it that much more terrifying. If I could fail while knowing a lot last semester, how will this semester be any different? I guess it does come down to just trusting in God...

To Shreds

My appeal to take more classes was denied. so now I only have school for four hours per day.


I played worship music tonight and I just couldn't get into it at all. Last semester tore me up so much, just ripped me to shreds. I was left with just depression and the disillusionment that came with knowing that no matter how hard you work, even if you "master" a given subject, you can still fail. Badly. So now I just don't know. Relearning seems way less fun than learning, unless you're studying for finals and already have a good enough grade that you'll pass no matter what.

I just feel that getting back to this island is a matter of finding my little niche of depression and wallowing in that until I can finally get home in August.

I wish I could worship God like I used to. Hopefully I'll relearn how to love Him properly. The tunnel vision here is a powerful thing...

Empty

I dunno guys. I feel pretty refreshed. The break could have been longer, but those cruises were so eventful with karaoke and getting to know the crew and such that it just seemed to hit the spot. That and seeing so many attractive white girls, both there and in Miami.

But I don't believe in myself for this semester. Last semester, I had loads of confidence. I thought, "I got this. I know how med school works." Then I learned that I don't. Now I'm repeating a class that, when I knew the material like the back of my hand, I made a 50 on the exam. I've learned that knowing everything I'm supposed to know does not mean that I will do well. In fact, it can mean failure, failing worse than when I know significantly less.

But there's hope, I suppose. A friend of mine failed our two main classes last semester but was able to transfer to the neighboring island's med school, Windsor, without much trouble at all. And she actually gets to move on, studying what we're studying. And their curriculum allows her to leave the island in January, doing a Kaplan course in Chicago. She gets to move back to the States. AND they can do core clinical rotations in Texas, something that doesn't happen for any Caribbean med students. After hearing that, I just wanted to go to that school, despite the fact that it's less reputable than ours. Ours is in the Big 5 Caribbean med schools. MUA has begun to stand out in the time that I've been here, since it's been approved for federal loans. California approval is expected in the fall. Everything improves with the presence of one devoted to The Lord.

But about that.

I feel so spiritually empty. I read my Bible and probably pray every day, but the conversations don't feel like dialogue anymore. It's me saying that things are the way they are, and then seemingly dead silence on the other end. I try to hold onto the hope and the promises of God, but they seem so, SO very distant... I'm in the last semester before things are supposed to get easier and more practical, preparing us for what the rest of our careers are supposed to be like.

I just don't believe that I can make it. I mean, I guess maybe I do? But at this point, it's like I'm not even choosing this life or lifestyle anymore; it's more like I've already hacked a trail deep into this forest of awful and I just kinda might as well keep going forward since going back seems like a waste of my efforts thus far.

I miss church. I miss being in ministry. If what I went through last semester is anything like what working in medicine will be like, I do sincerely hope that I'm killed somehow along the way. I am very talented in so many areas, most of them pretty unrelated to this. I mean, I'm okay at medicine, but I'm great at speaking and performing and social skills. And the mission field. Anywhere but here.

On the bright side, my new classes all seem very interesting and worth learning from.

I Passed Med 2

I passed all my classes (not counting Physiology, since I dropped that). This last semester, the last three and a half months... I feel like I've aged. I can't say that I feel more mature or stronger or more wise, but I feel aged.

It just feels like on this island, everything that can work against you is working against you. Professors, subject material, assignments, etc. The only thing pushing you towards being a doctor is yourself. The professors gobble up your time and you are forced to learn and study on your own in addition to dealing with whatever lectures and assignments they throw at you.

I hope that next semester is better. But for now, it's time to go to Four Seasons, pack, fly to Miami, then go on back-to-back cruises with my mom.

So. So. So.

I'm tired. Like, I'm well-rested, but I am tired. I suspect that I failed my Biochemistry finals, and if I failed badly enough, then I failed the class. I resigned myself to that about halfway through the shelf exam.

I've been crushed by this semester. Driven by the real fear of failure is awful. The joy of learning is replaced by just trying to stay afloat, knowing that learning more does not correlate with your test scores...

We have professors who are awful at teaching. It teaches us to learn on our own, which is good, but then those same professors write the exams, so, you know, what's the use?

Having backpacked through Europe last summer, I've been disillusioned. I no longer dream of travel, not the way I once did. I know now that it offers no escape; you're just as poor and alone in the most beautiful of places as you are in the comfort of your own home. It made me a better person, but that's doing no one any good right now. My biggest battles are against impossible academics and myself. I don't even have the privilege of going out and helping people. I'm stuck here.

Today I visited the professor for a class that truly is a waste of time. The subject matter isn't, but the class is. I visited him because he graded my paper incorrectly. When I confronted him on it and quoted him regarding his grading policy (he promised points back if we corrected our first paper), he denied having said that, treating the idea as something ridiculous. I had gone to his office once before and he had replied similarly, but then making a promise to give less points back... He was just very defensive the whole time, and claimed that our class cares about grades far more than learning. He seems unaware that none of us have patience for him as he blunders through trying to teach a class.

Most of us, as students, could now easily teach any one of the classes that we've had so far. And we could do so better than the current professors. The most any one professor tends to spend teaching here is ten hours per week. The rest, they get to spend preparing. And they obviously don't.

I dunno, I'm fed up. I'd be looking to drop out if there was anything I'd prefer, but for one thing, there's God (who, by the way, has been awfully quiet since things went south). For another, there's the many thousands of dollars that have gone into my education, which will have been kind of a waste. And I love learning, especially what I learn here. It's just so. So. Frustrating. No, not frustrating. I'm past that. I'm just exhausted and ready to die. Don't worry, dear reader, no guns allowed on this island except Moet *kisses right bicep* and Chandon *kisses left bicep*.

Un.Fair.

The world seems more and more unfair. I live in a country where contracts are a formality that won't be enforced. I can work hard and know everything and still fail, badly. I do everything and it yields nothing.

I have this default version of me shaped by a life lived for Christ. I'm kind, friendly, and tend to assume that I am at fault in any given situation. So I live in a negative world even as the force inside me works to be the positive in the midst of it. A dot of white in a seeming swimming sea of darkness.

And I now feel myself growing distant from my friends. This is bound to happen, of course. And the timing is about right for it. I spend all of my years in obedience to become the type of person that God has for me to be, but through all of that, I sacrifice my personal relationships.

I know it seems overdramatic for me to complain about these things when other people have bigger issues. After all, I'm in medical school and I'm still not in debt. That's huge. But because I live in this isolated world, this literal and figurative island, I have become the worst of things: my own biggest problem. At home, some family member always had drama or some issues and it would be a whole thing. At work, we had patients whose problems were obviously bigger than mine, and it was my job to alleviate those problems as I could.

And on the mission field, there was a beautiful world where I could throw everything into it to help these people in need. And most everything I could do was helpful...

But I remain my own biggest problem. When a grade goes down, my world crashes. I'm isolated in my own apartment, my own little world, hoping I can get enough information into my brain to make okay grades on these exams, because I know that I can't do better than okay. With rare exceptions that never make sense, I always just do okay. I hover around the class average, swatted down every time I try to get a peek at life in the A range. I am forever doomed to a life of having a blood type that will always contrast with the grades I can possibly receive (A+). In that sense, at least, I have greatness inside of me.

Star Wipe

It's nearing the end of the semester. Two weeks until I'm aboard a cruise ship. But of course, I have to pass Biochemistry first, and I don't have much of a buffer to make sure that that happens.

How do people find people that they like enough to marry? I mean, it's choosing to become one with someone. Am I just so unique that I'm the one who has trouble realistically picturing being with someone? It feels normal enough when I think about it in myself, but with others... I mean, some of my friends have children now. Not babies, but children. Well, some have babies. Point is, people my age and younger have married and started families, and it just seems crazy to me. Crazy just to marry, to have decided on a person that is compatible enough with you that you make the choice to wake up next to them every single morning. And having children! But a lot of girls are crazy about having babies I guess. Don't get me wrong. I wanna have kids. I've got a lot of good genes to pass on. But kids are a huge deal.

Easy transitions with this blog post, obviously.

Today is Easter. It's the second Easter I've spent away from home and family. Last year, I spent it on the island of Santorini. Alone for days. This time kinda feels similar, except that I have reliable internet, so I can at least communicate with family. Mostly, my mom and I talked about the cruise, so now we have a hotel booked for before and after. A HOTEL! So fancy.

There's a birthday party going on next door. Those birthdays are the closest thing we have to real social events here. They're the main reason I'm as good of friends with some people as I am. It's really weird, too. All we can talk about is our past lives as humans and our present lives as students. Usually we complain about how the school is screwing us over. And that's sad to me, because you don't really get to know a person by talking about what you experience with them every day. At least, that's how it feels...

Nice-err

Lots of things are nice. Not all of them, but lots of them. Mostly because in three and a half weeks, I'll be back in the States and then boarding a cruise ship. Then going on another cruise after that.

Thoughts are purifying, mostly because the impure thoughts really don't suit me.

A resolution for future semesters is to stop saying "no" to things. It was a rule in Europe and it should be a rule for life. Anything that I can say "yes" to tends to be worth it. At least, of greater worth than saying "no".

Fighting It

The best way to fight depression, I'm finding, is by talking to other people. Skyping with my friend Tara is always good because she's similarly driven, though she has decided not to go for this accounting masters degree. That's not a mark against her, of course; she already has a job she likes that challenges her. I, however, have never had a job better than being a mascot. And God is still working in this whole doctor thing, though it's admittedly hard to see Him in this.

Talking to my brother on Facebook today was nice too. We can talk about such simple things at home. Problems that arise from privilege. Little sister who's crazy and buys good brands of liquor that she can't afford (that I can't afford), and that she wouldn't know the difference between anyway (unlike me).

I'm trying to rekindle this love for learning that had me going through this semester. I really do love what I'm learning. But I still have the mentality that I'm going to do far worse, and that's making it hard to study right. I've just gotta push past that...

Uggggghhhhhhh

I ended the week angry-sad-frustrated. I was so content when I was learning at a fast pace earlier in the semester. In fact, if I was honest with myself, I didn't really even want to die. But failing when you put everything into something, well, that leads to the age-old feeling... If I'm ever trying to destress, I imagine being shot in the head. I know it's not a thing that I would do, but it's still an immediate happy place that I can daydream to. It sounds bad, I guess... So imagine always feeling that way with rare exceptions, and then finally not feeling that way. And then failing at what took away the feeling. So that's where I am.

I'm over the acute depression from it all. I can think and study now, but it's still awful. My thoughts are impure and I feel distant from people. I have a support group at home but texts only do so much. Skype is nice, but once again, I'm just so distant... I make friends here but there's no significant foundation. The longest I've known anyone here is six months. You can't know someone well at all in that much time. I have a friend that I've been getting to know this semester, and he blew up at me for telling him that he dealt with a situation in the wrong way. Nobody reacts to me that way because I make every effort to be reasonable, but now I know that he's that way.

I live alone. I feel alone a lot. Studies comfort me except when they fill me with hopelessness and dread. Friends comfort me except when they're 1200 miles away. Wishing for the ability to fly so that I could just go visit them. But no, I have to wait till August to see friends.

I'm becoming a worse person right now because that's easier, and because being a better person seems to do nothing for anyone right now. It feels like a waste, like being overqualified for a job and then scolded for everything you do. I have been keeping up with my Bible reading though.

The bright side to any of it is that I've been hitting the gym as often as I'm supposed to now, so my 6-pack is back. Trying to increase serotonin levels with that and by working in bright lights. And maybe I'll reintroduce nightcaps.

No Seasons

I'm in a place with no seasons. The temperature stays around 78 degrees, going a few degrees warmer/colder depending on the time of day. It's a strange thing to be without seasonal change in climate. I tended to group phases of my life into seasons of the year, and lessons learned therein. But without seasons... I dunno. I didn't have spring to look forward to when it got cold. I don't have summer to look forward to for lazy days outside. I don't have fall to look forward to for hoodie, cardigan, and jacket weather, and I don't have winter to look forward to to layer in different ways. I have this one season. And I long for others.

I know that the grass is always greener on the other side, but really, this side is tough to deal with. I know I get sun and beach and school, which are actually a lot of what I've wanted out of life, but seasons were important. Seasons always promised something new on the horizon.

Now it seems that the something on the horizon tends to be my breaks from school and the subject matter I'm preparing to learn.

One Of Those Days

Sometimes, you have one of those days. Mine was yesterday.

I studied hard and did everything the way that the professor told us to. To be honest, I had this idea in my mind that I had borrowed from my friend who walked away from the faith. She said that when she did badly in school, she simply worked harder, and found that there was no need for God in that. She didn't need Him. And her grades went up. So my grades went down, and then down again, and I decided that I would study so hard that it doesn't matter what the professors did; I would ace the exam. I read a full week of material ahead of time and did all the practice questions, which are the two biggest things that the professor told us would get us the grades.

So I took the test on Monday and it felt easy. There were only a few questions that surprised me. Then I spent the rest of that day with my Texan friends at the beach, where we connected as Christian southerners. And I passed out early, as has become my habit.

On Tuesday, we learned that the our class got remarkably low scores. My confidence dissipated upon learning that the highest score was an 88. So at lunch, I went to talk to the professor (by the way, I'm a favorite of his). He told me that my score was very low. I knew going in that I needed at least an 80 just to get to passing the class, so hearing that alone was plenty to decide it. Discussion didn't take long before I agreed that I would need to withdraw from the course and remain on the island an extra semester. I was very frustrated that I could know the material well and still do so poorly, so he quizzed me on some things I got wrong. I knew all of it. The answers were no-brainers. Somewhere in there upon realizing I'd have to repeat the class, I began to tear up. So for the first time since my sophomore year of college (almost exactly four years ago now), I cried in public. The professor tried to cheer me up a little, but I soon left after talking with him didn't yield any hints on how to do better. I threw on some shades and felt like throwing up for the rest of the day.

So I had to face this awful reality, that I'd have to stay on this island for an extra semester, making it a full two years in this place (minus 12 collective weeks of visits to the States).

And then I decided that this awful reality doesn't have to be SO awful. Because here's the thing: next semester is supposed to be my hardest here. Now it doesn't have to be. I can arrange my schedule so I can learn and balance things out better (I hope). I dunno how it'll be, but maybe taking one new class out of the picture can turn my future semesters into opportunities to REALLY learn, rather than always feeling behind.

Taking A Punch And Learning From It

Two weeks of everything. Papers, presentations, nightcaps, impure thoughts, keyboard not working, and all kinds of bad things. It was a week of many things that could possibly go wrong deciding to do so. But I did all work ahead of time, read the full week of lectures over the weekend, and now it's Friday. And unlike past Fridays before exams, I've already been over all of the information already. Instead of reading new information, it's all going to be review.

Yet my confidence is still lacking? Why? Because somehow, every time I try, I still fail. My attempts at becoming an A student last block landed me with failing to average scores. I know that God has my back, but I also know that He works in "mysterious ways", and I'm often tempted to think that whatever way He's working is just gonna screw me over and teach me a lesson.

I'm very good at taking a punch and learning from it. That's often what the Christian life seems like. But it's exhausting. And exhausting is fine, but exhausted failure really isn't. It's not even an issue of having to possibly repeat a class or something. The problem is that if I do have to repeat a class, I don't get to take a new one and learn new things. By the time I take the final, I will have filled in whatever blanks remain in my learning thus far. And if I fail after that, it will just be tragic. Knowing plenty in a class yet still having to repeat it, and then not getting to learn new things from a new class? That's just awful.

Oh Acting

It's selfish of me to look back now and realize that, had I stayed in the whole acting thing, I may have had a chance at the lead role in upcoming groundbreaking feature films. Yet the gravity of what I gave up to pursue this calling of being a doctor, it's hitting me. It's like a midlife crisis, realizing where I could have been if I did something different, and seeing where I am now, in danger of failing a class in med school.

I really like the idea of fame. Everywhere I've been, from the Austin Film Festival to high school to college, I've been well-known by most everyone. I try to be the type of guy that's good at being well-known. So as I made up alternate social networking accounts in preparation for this explosion of fame that's never coming, I guess it made sense that a conversation with a dear friend would remind me that I still don't know what the future holds, and that my other possible life would come to mind. I'm good looking enough to have made it in acting, I think. I'm certainly quirky enough that I might have been able to get that earlier Spider-Man role.

Of course, the kicker is that I probably wouldn't have become near as strong a Christian. And, of course, my friend groups and lifestyle would be entirely different. Terrance Heinz, my old agent in Burbank, said that the best actors don't make it big; they go to college. My brother wanted that, and the rest of us followed. But I always loved acting. That remained true for ages and ages, and still hasn't let up.

So now I suppose do wish for fame... That sounds super egotistical I guess, but I dunno, it's always just felt like how it was meant to be. Just fitting. I'm too many things in one human to just be limited to what one human would normally influence. But whatever.

In A Mood

I'm in a mood.

These are rare.

It's a time when I just get so pissed about where I'm at in life. I guess this used to happen when I was doing bad in school in the past, and this is maybe just a reflexive response? Either way, it's here now. My heartrate has been elevated all day and time seems to be skipping by.

My school is starting to do fun things. Jeopardy this weekend. Talent Show in a month. I'm not really planning in participating in either because right now, I'm focused on learning and grades.

I think of running away from this, from all of this. But the last time I kinda "ran away", I traveled Europe and it wasn't all that pleasant. It was new and exciting, but mostly it was difficult and a learning experience. Maybe traveling through the States would be different. I'm just so angry about being where I am. Even if I did have the wish to skip past the next few years to be a real doctor, will I even like it? Crazy hours, high stress...

I'm in this to be a missionary. That is what I will like.

But what happened to all those other dreams? Acting, working at Disney World, and there are probably a million others that I don't recall now because I convinced myself that they weren't really feasible. SCREW IT! I'M TIRED OF REALITY! I'm just ready to die or fall into a coma. Not in a suicidal way, or anything like that. I'm just so tired and fed up with the way this world seems to be set up.

I put everything into making myself a better person, mostly in the name of trying to become the person people would want to have working for them or heading things up. To be the doctor my patients would want. But it's a narrow road full of crags and thorns and I don't feel up to the task. I don't feel up to the task. So I'm instead resigned to it, hoping that everything changes and knowing it won't.

All the Lives

Last weekend, I had the chance to Skype with Tara for a couple hours. She's getting her masters in accounting and also working full time, so her schedule is somewhere near as packed as mine. We talked of many things, but one important theme that we both hold to is our desire to do and be more than what we already are.

Then I noticed that with Andrew Garfield out, maybe there was the tiniest chance for me to be the new Spiderman. I know that it's foolish to think of, because casting would begin with well-known actors and would be within the next few months, since Spiderman's first appearance is supposed to be in the Captain America movie that's due to come out next summer. But it got me thinking about my past life as a child actor, and all my aspirations within that. My desire to be famous and to help people through that influence...

Thinking about this had me willing to drop med school and all that I've worked on for so long, all to star in a series of big superhero movies. And what does that say about my belief in the dreams that God has given me? I gave up the acting thing long ago, treating it as more of a hobby. But acting was one of those jobs that I absolutely adored, like being a mascot. I don't think that I'll absolutely adore being a doctor. It will be good and challenging, but unlike some of those past dream jobs, I don't think I'll be very happy at the end of the day. Exhausted, and feeling like I improved people and the world, but probably not that happy.

I don't know where that leaves me. I love learning so much, but is this the life I signed up for? Always wishing to be living a different one? Or to be dead? Becoming better as a person seems to correlate with being sadder and lonelier, and I don't think I want to be working towards that. I just don't know.

Unfair

The waiting is the worst. No wait, the bad news after the waiting. No wait, feeling kinda justified in blaming others for your misfortune.

I was so mad at how unfair this block felt. I don't use the word "unfair" often because it isn't fair that I'm so blessed, and that I have the audacity to complain when "unfair" to me usually does not affect whether I get to eat, sleep, or live relatively well. That being said, this block felt unfair. We had a sucky professor for Physiology for the respiratory system, then the good professor came in on a saturday to reteach what the other professor taught badly, forcing students to either give up a day of studying (he lectured for several hours) or miss being taught in favor of study time. I did the latter. Then, on the friday before monday's exams, that good professor had us come in an hour early and lectured for 2 1/2 hours (normal lectures are 2 hours) with no breaks on all new endocrine material, followed by a brief review of respiratory. This meant that, on the day when we should only have been reviewing what we had already learned, we had to learn all new information, then review it, and also review everything else.

So I made a 67. As I told myself before the exams, I was gonna be pissed no matter what grade I got. It just wasn't fair to us as students. Now my average is bumped up from a 63 to a 65, still not passing.

In Biochemistry, however, I scored above average with an 81, bringing my previous grade of a 57 up to a 70.5, which was a relief.

I worked so hard. So hard that I was sure that I should at least be passing. But as expected, when I reviewed my physio test, most of my wrong answers were from endocrinology, because I just plain didn't have time to finish it.

Now I'm sticking to this trusting God thing. My good (somewhere in the realm of "best") friend, Tara, walked away from her faith in Christ in college. She had asked me why I believed in God, and I said that He helps me to do well in school (I sucked at school at the time and my reasons for believing in God have matured, I think). She said that when she got bad grades, she decided to do better, and then did so. No God in the mix. Though grades aren't why I believe in God, I do understand now that no matter how hard I work, no matter how much effort and stress and troubled sleep I put into something, it's still out of my control. I can influence, but in the end, that only does so much. I need God in general, but specific to academics, I need Him because He's the one who works everything to my good because I love Him.

This brings up the question of "once saved, always saved" that has been coming up in my mind regarding Tara, but I need to study tonight. These classes aren't going to pass themselves.

Oh, and our Genetics grades haven't been posted yet. I made a B on the first exam, but who knows...

Cliffside Breaks

And then you take time out to go to a cliffside overlooking the ocean to talk to God. Normally, I go to the rocky beach and skip rocks along the water between waves, but this time, I took a different, uphill route. "It's opener out there, in the wide open air."

It's about perspective. If I can't trust God to work in me here, how can I trust Him when it comes to something beyond my control? It really is all His. Including all the studying I haven't done. Though, just to throw it out there, I have studied so much and if I don't do well this block, I really won't know what else to do.

I've studied hard. As usual, it doesn't feel adequate. But regardless of how well or poorly I do on these exams, I'll be feasting and drinking afterwards. So at least there's that...

Tests On The Morrow

No matter how many times I say to God, "I trust you", it seems to be betrayed by the stress and anxiety I feel regarding tomorrow's tests. I could easily fail these. There are a billion ways that I could test badly tomorrow, and significantly less ways that I could test well. Anything from poorly-worded questions (a guarantee when it comes to these profs), poor long-term recall (not everything will come from cramming), poor short-term recall (many things will come from cramming), or just that chance that always comes with multiple choice questions that I'll narrow it down to two answers and choose the wrong one (largely why I failed my last physio exam).

I really like learning. And what I'm learning now is extremely important. I just wish that my previous poor performance wouldn't have such a great impact in deciding whether I get to continue learning these subjects, or having to give one of them up (and consequently spend an extra semester on this island).

At least I've gotten back into actually enjoying what I'm learning. I just hope that joy isn't lost because of my past foolishness...

Relief

I always seem to want relief from wherever I am. When I was out of school, I just wanted a change of scenery. I wanted to go to Europe, or to wherever. Now that I'm back in school, I want a break. Even lame unemployment sounds nice for a moment, until I remember that that's what my brothers are doing, and they really aren't inspiring role models. They're living the lack of life that all three of us dreamed of before I grew up a little bit and learned that there's more.

So maybe life is just a world of seeking relief. Finding the tendrils of good that creep up from the meshwork of bad and mundane that cover our lives, and making those tendrils everything.

Then again, I love what I'm learning. I just hate that I'm currently failing. I know I can learn everything I need to before the semester ends, and do so well enough that I should pass every test. But can I actually show that on exams? Who knows?

My thoughts have been less clean lately. Too many pretty girls who don't use their smarts that are text-flirting with me. Fine, maybe only one. It's apparently kind of against the grain for me to either want the right girl, the woman that God has for me, or to have no one. I don't believe in divorce. I think my parents were fools to have that. I don't plan to make the same mistake.

Anyway, this is my third cup of wonderful drink that I've earned after studying all day, so peace and war out.

Peel Off A Layer

Each class has good professors and bad. They switch out who is teaching what depending on the focus and subject matter. For instance, when Biochemistry became more Genetics oriented, the professor who helped sequence the genome of the kangaroo (yes, he's Australian) taught. In Physiology, we currently have one of the worst professors, especially for upper med classes. He explains very poorly and doesn't answer questions well, or at all.

Anyway, one of our lesser professors was teaching Biochemistry (and I'm still struggling with what he taught) last week, but now the good professor has taken over. This is actually the best of all possible Biochemistry professors. And today, I answered two questions correctly in class. And at least one of them was a "why" question, which can often have far-ranging answers. But I did it, and the excitement within a few feet of me (created by me) was palpable and annoying.

Also, I think I'm becoming myself more. Except less sarcastic, which stanks. But I dunno, the witty doctors I know all have more of a quiet wit, the kind that doesn't immediately show itself. And that's admittedly the type I've wanted to have. But there's a layer of serious that I still don't know when to peel off.

First Fruits

In the Bible, there's this concept of always giving God the first fruits of whatever you receive. With regard to finances, the first thing you do when you receive your paycheck is to set aside 10% of it for God. It applied to the spoils of war when God led nations to attack and to a variety of other situations. You always set aside the first of what you receive as something belonging to The Lord.

So when I failed those tests, I started giving the first bit of my study time, that more focused state, to God. I start my study time by studying the Bible, rather than leaving Bible study until after I finish everything else.

I trust God. Failing these exams was a good way for God to test that trust, calling me out on my claims that, whether passing or failing, I trust Him throughout. I still trust Him. I don't feel any more capable, or really like I can actually bring up my grades at this point, but I trust Him. That just leaves me with working hard now.

Actually Believing

In the time during which I was studying for these last exams, I had a talk with God. Well, I had many talks, but there was one pertinent to this blog. I admitted to God that when I had preached in other countries about how God does the impossible, I didn't include my own story in the sermon. It wasn't because I thought it was difficult to relate to or some other, good reason. I didn't include my own story because I didn't really believe it. At the time, I wasn't a good student. God hadn't made the necessary changes in me. All I had to go on was faith, and I only had faith to stay the course, not enough to join in the illustration.

But as God told me when He first got me hooked on that passage of Abraham having a son (in 2010, I think), He wants me to be the illustration for it.

So I failed these tests. Badly enough that I need to become a significantly better student if I hope to avoid repeating classes. And I hope that very much. Because, among the multitude of other reasons, I don't want to stay on this island for an extra semester, nor do I want potential clinical and residency spots to go to someone else who did not have to repeat or withdraw from a class.

So here's to actually believing that God will do as He says. Against all hope, Abraham believed, and so became the father of many nations. So I too believe against all hope, all possibility, in the dream that God has given me, that of being a doctor and being the difference that I want to see in the world.

Remembering How To Be The Difference

Only one grade was posted from our exams yesterday, and it was my worst subject: Biochemistry. Out of the 56 people in the class, I had the lowest score at 57. I was expecting something in that range, though obviously hoping for better. Last semester, I was positive that I had failed a Histology exam, but instead had like a 78. An important thing about this semester is that there are no curves, nor are there lab grades to add a buffer to your score. No, you take that test and if you suck, you suck. And suck I did.

Now, be aware that I've been taking it in stride. Most of what I thought while studying for these tests was that I will do better on the next exam. And I will. That being said, there's still a stirring in me that I need to deal with. I need to yell at God. But for now, I can try to write out some frustrations. (Even though I know very well what I did wrong and how I could have done better.)

All my life through high school, I always made straight A's, except for that one teacher who screwed me over with a B (his fault, really). But once I got to college, I struggled. A lot. The main reason was that there was a finite amount of work I was willing to put into anything. Then after a month-long trip to work in hospitals in Uganda, I learned that for the sake of those patients suffering there, I needed to do better. Suddenly, this whole dream of being a doctor that God gave me was bigger than me or the classrooms I sat in. There were faces, people. And I knew that if I could become a doctor, I could make a change in their lives. As a student, all I did was see and learn that I didn't know anything. But as a doctor, I could be the difference I wanted to see.

So then I had a path. I had already taken all of my chemistry courses by that time, so those were out of the way. All of my worst subjects had been finished. That senior year of college, I had classes relating to my major. When I put everything into it, I went from doing an abysmal job to doing okay. Not great, not even that good, but okay.

But now, for the first time since before that trip to Uganda, I have a course that's heavy on chemistry. They deny that it's much chemistry, but if you take the chemistry out of it, you don't have much left. So it's my worst sciency subject and it's at the medical school level. I know that if I can get past it, the worst will be over. Others say that the third semester is the hardest, but I know how weak I am in Biochemistry.

Well, I was gonna get mad at God, but I'm too sleepy. I guess my takeaway here is that I need to remember why I'm doing this. It's hard to remember when you're studying microscopic things that hardly seem to apply to anything. But I want to help those people, to be the difference in their lives. And I can't do that the way that I want to if I don't start improving now.

Upcoming Exams...

Not feeling confident about these block exams. I wasted a lot of time these past three weeks. Last semester, it seemed so much easier to know what and how to study. Memorize first, learn what you memorized after you've memorized it. But this semester, it's so different. There's still so much, but it's not memorization. It's learning difficult concepts from biochemistry, physiology, and genetics. I was okay at physio, but biochem and genetics are murder for me. Especially biochem. Biochem is the worst. Professors are great though; it's me.

It's been a matter of getting back into school mode. Being sick over the break, I was forced to come to a full stop. No being all busy, getting things done. And unfortunately, snapping myself back into my good habits only happened now, the weekend before the first exams. It should have happened last weekend and the one before, but alas. I just didn't know how to make my brain and body get back into the swing of things.

But now I haven't had an alcoholic beverage since last weekend and I'm going to bed before midnight, asleep before 1 AM. I'm actually getting the recommended amount of sleep at 7-8 hours. The bright side here is that I'm not tired in class; I'm just somehow often unable to pay attention. By the end of last semester, I could sit through three hours of lectures and still be attentive and listening, but now, I'm back to worse than at the start of med school. A few minutes and I'm gone.

However, I have felt more myself these last few weeks. The most difficult part of transition is done and now I'm here. I've been showing off my quirky more and have more friends than I had first thought. But still, I dunno about all of it.

I can't learn all of this by Monday. I hope that God will work in me to learn what I need to learn, and to learn it well.

It's All His

I remembered to give everything to God.

I forget it most of the time. It's weird how my self tends to block out who God is when I try to get a clear look at things.

But then I take a step back. And I remember whose plan this is. I tell God about all that I haven't done to study belongs to Him. And all that I have done. And also all the time I haven't invested in the people around me. And the time that I have.

I'm in this weird place now. School is everything and it's difficult to focus on it. My winning personality isn't winning so much because I've begun to leave out the unnecessary as a method of dealing with where I am in life. In the past, my side projects like talent shows or video blogs or anything else used to occupy some mental focus. They made me feel balanced. But now? Now I have school and a desire to be past it so I can live. I've never felt like that before in my life.

And then I have to take a step back again. Because no matter what happens, I'm committed to God and to His purposes. My job isn't to make good grades. My job is to work in excellence and to do so as an act of worship to Christ, and to live my life to Him.  If I fail my tests on Monday, that won't change these things. I still love the Lord and I still believe that He wants me to be a doctor. But just as Abraham was given a hope, a dream of having a son, and then was given that child, and then was willing to sacrifice his child, so must I be willing to do so. Because this dream isn't mine. I love medicine and the idea of being a doctor and all it stands for, but this dream is from the Lord. I need to be willing to give it up to serve His purposes at any time, because I love Him far more than this dream.

So stress doesn't belong to me. I will do my best to learn Physiology, Biochemistry, Genetics, Epidemiology, and the Foundations of Clinical Medicine II, but in the end, every bit of it belongs to God. All I can give Him is the effort I put into it. And whatever effort I don't put into it. It's all His.

Overwhelmed: A How To.

I feel overwhelmed. On Friday at lunch, I discovered a bug problem. I got swept all the bugs out of my room and thought the matter overwith. They were back that evening, and today. Indian meal moth larvae are annoying, especially when there's really no chance to, say, go to the store to get a specific bug prevention product. So I keep killing and sweeping them out, throwing away any remotely suspicious foods, and hope that this solves the problem.

Also on Friday at lunch, my mom told me that she was buying my tickets home. It was a bit of confusion on the dates, but we settled it. Then I found that I'd been looking at the wrong dates, so my flights back to the island are on the very day that classes begin.

On top of these is the actual medical school aspect. It's all of my worst subjects in one semester. Three weeks of classes before we're tested, so I have no idea if I'm doing anything right with my study habits. I suspect that I am not doing anything right. Thus, I am afraid of failing out of med school. I know that that's the usual feeling, but man, it is terrifying to not know.

Oh, and the time on my computer keeps changing itself to an hour earlier, making me think that I've been making better use of my time.

The bright side is that, whether I pass or not, I'll be in Florida in April, and in Dallas in August. Back in the States for every break.

A Brief Look Back At 2014

I should have done a year in review post like I always do, but med school is busy. I'm having a hard time getting back into the swing of it.

2014 was an amazing year. I was mostly sad and lonely for its duration, but I also learned what I was hoping to learn through it. I worked as a medical assistant for a neurology clinic and quit on very good terms with very good timing (and was invited to the Christmas party last month). I went on a cruise with family and then went on a mission trip to Belarus. From there, I visited 12 other countries when I backpacked across Europe (and technically to Asia in Turkey) for three months. I learned so much about myself and the world around me.

One big lesson I learned that I'm still trying to apply is that I need to learn my theology better. I never used to bother with a lot of the tough questions, mostly 'cause I had come to an understanding that I was fine with, and that was it for me. But I learned in Europe and elsewhere since that I'm not learning it for me; I'm learning theology for the people I meet. And I'm learning it well so that I can share it even when we've all had a few pints.

That brings me to another point. The dishonest conservative southern Christian outlook of pretending that we don't drink alcohol is stupid. I'm really beginning to hate it. In Europe, I had to explain it, and it made explaining Christianity itself that much more complicated. It doesn't have to be. To put it simply, passages in the Bible explain that overindulgence is generally something to avoid, but it's good to follow the Spirit and the God-given convictions you have over it. For those in church leadership, the rules are a little more strict. And you also don't drink if a Christian around you will think sinning is okay by your actions of drinking. So maybe it is a little complicated.

A term I used while traveling was "confronting people with their humanity", which is a fancy way of saying that I would try to reach an honest side of people when I spoke to them, because traveling taught me that people are people, and generally good, if you can reach that part of them. Sometimes you can't, but often you can. And it's easier to reach it if you yourself throw down an initial wave of open kindness.

After backpacking through Europe, I had three months of very little, just being lazy before med school. Then I started med school. I also started living in a developing country. I stayed in Rawlins dorms at Medical University of the Americas, which just so happen to be awful dorms to stay in. Because you generally have a roommate in those dorms (or it's more expensive), it was very difficult for me. I was paired with the most culturally different person attending this school. He was fine with me but I had a lot of problems with him, most of which he never knew about because I am very passive aggressive. But it was difficult living there. The "bus" (van) situation was difficult too. They didn't follow schedules, so I wasted many hours in the process of waiting for the buses. Hours I could have been doing anything else. I also picked up bad study habits from my roommate. He was able to understand and memorize things when he first heard them in class, so he watched tv shows a LOT; I require prereading and post-reading and lots and lots of reading, and I still only do so-so. But I also watched shows more than I should have, and I continue to have difficulty dropping the habit now.

I spent half of last year out of the United States, and will spend most of this year out of the States. The U.S. is beautiful. I'm convinced that to become a real patriot, you have to leave the country. That's how you appreciate something.

I'm feeling better about my current situation. I  have some friends and my room is comfortable. Strangely though, I feel like I've toned myself down quite a bit here. I don't act starved for attention nearly as much as I did in college. I don't know how much of it was the new culture or people or that I'm in school or if it's just another one of those chances to "reinvent" myself. I also don't know if I like it. I still go to the school parties and beat the locals in dance battles, but it all seems different. Maybe it's because there really isn't as much chance to be noticed here. No talent shows, no lip-syncing competitions, none of that is here. Just people getting drunk at parties and karaoke if I can get to it.

2015?

In the past, God has often spoken to me a lot about the new year. Admittedly, I was often a better listener in the past. But tomorrow, I start my second semester of medical school. I've made it through that first semester and done so better than some of my peers; in fact, I was a point above average in my more difficult classes (and a point below in the easy/blow off classes). But last semester was also easier.

Tomorrow, I start Biochemistry. After peeking at the first lecture, I'm a little terrified, because it bears a strong resemblance to Organic Chemistry. The only reason I remember as much of that class as I do is because I put a great deal of effort into it as an undergraduate, giving up my lunch breaks to be privately tutored by our professor. And I am fairly certain that I didn't make any grades above a C.

Medical Genetics is also this semester. Genetics was the only class (aside from French II) that I remember dropping as an undergrad. And though I remember having a long list of reasons at the time, the primary reasons were that the subject matter was more difficult than was reasonable for a sophomore-level class, and that I wasn't learning due to the teaching style of our professor (the chair of the science department who made me publicly cry for the first time since I was 14 when he told me that I wouldn't get into medical school at the rate I was going).

Physiology is a more difficult subject as well, but I did take two Physiology courses at the same time during my last semester of undergrad, and I think I made B's in both.

So I'm a little nervous. Whatever confidence I built up during the break, it's not really okay for me to  hold onto it, is it? I mean, new apartment that I get to make my own, new potential to visit home during the summer, and new potential professional connections after I get back to the States...but have I ever done well when acting very confident? It often turns to arrogance and then I'm put in my place. But what if I  hold onto the proper amount of confidence? I went through the fire and am now on the other side, ready for the hotter fire.

I've always talked about my grades in a pessimistic manner, whether I made a 100 or a 48 (that was a bad day in Organic Chemistry). My 8th grade history teacher once remarked that I was the only student she ever had who could say that he was going to fail a test and then make a 100 on it.

Maybe familiarity will make my heart grow fonder of the people here. After all, there are little things. For Halloween, someone sent me a Halloween-gram (basically a Valentine's Day thing on the wrong day). It was anonymous. I saw friends today and they seemed a'ight. Who knows.

This semester, I'm going to try to force a few more positivities. I'm going to aim to sing more (virtually soundproof apartment), listen to positive music, listen to CHRISTIAN music, listen to CHRISTIAN WORSHIP music (which I  hadn't really made a habit for, well, years now maybe), and generally aim to be the positive I want to see here. As the most outspoken white man, that is my responsibility. To bring the change I want to see. Maybe I can help revamp that Christian organization here. I'm thinking of making a push towards more evangelical teaching, so that we all get our basic theology straight (I brought the book Essential Truths of the Christian Faith by R.C. Sproul, one of the few Christian books I think are worthwhile) rather than what they do now, which is just picking someone to speak on some subject from the Bible. To me, that's what you go to church for. When I go to a "Christian Fellowship", I want to actually fellowship and discuss the Bible, not let one person talk. Lead and guide, yes, but not taking over the show.

Nearing The End

I went to the Christmas Eve service at church alone this year. My dad usually forces the family to go, but when I asked what service, he kinda just changed the subject, which was odd. So I saw some people at church that I knew and then went to my travel buddy's family's Christmas Eve party where my old high school friend group met up. We talked for a few hours but, because it was Christmas Eve, we all slowly but surely had to leave to stay with our respective families.

We had Christmas at my dad's house first, where I received skinny jeans upon skinny jeans, as per my request. Also some shirts which seemed to fit, which is uncommon. Then mom's Christmas at her fiancé's house, where we ate and drank and it was nice. From my mom, I just asked for help financially when I traveled in the future.

That night, Katie Williams was in town with her boyfriend (a very likeable guy), Michael Bruner. Their Christmas had been weird but we all watched Mean Girls and then they got tired, which was good, because I was to fly to Florida the next morning for Christmas stuff with extended family on my dad's side. Siblings stayed up all night for the flight, as is their tradition, so everyone was annoyed with everyone and I played peacekeeper, which was annoying. After my past semester at school, nothing seemed worth complaining about. Anyway, the trip lasted too long (because earlier return flights were more expensive) and consisted mostly of sitting around all day then drinking too much at night.

I got back in time to sleep in and then go back-to-school-for-a-year-on-an-island shopping with my mom, then went to meet up with my good friends Tara and Mia (and other mutual friends Marissa and Stefanie) at a hotel we had booked for NYE. Time flew by because this was really the main occasion I had been excited for all break that actually happened, but it was time treasured. Tara complained of her boyfriend who never wanted to do things like this, and I advised that she needn't date someone just because she likes some qualities about them. After all, I told her, she and I aren't dating despite the fact that we like qualities in each other (and if she were Christian, I would totes consider dating her). We went to Victory Park in Dallas and everyone was too cold, so we went back to the hotel and reached it just before midnight, then drank and passed out. Then in the morning, my friends left, waking me up to hug them first, and then it was just me. I went back home and packed with naps in between and wished that I had booked my tickets to give me more time. Then I left in the morning, leaving my dad with new commands for my car, that anyone who drives it has to obey the law (I quoted some Bible verses on authority) and I could tell it made my dad upset because it required using his seatbelt, which he very rarely does, and only upon great insistence, and not speeding, which everyone tends to do.

I spent the day very depressed as I traveled, wishing that I didn't have to go back to that island. That island that cut me off from my friends and family, that put me in a world filled with people and cultures so different from my own. I hated it. But I made the trip because I'm bigger than that, and so is God's calling for me. I made it to St Kitts, stayed in a hotel with a friend, then went to Nevis, hired a taxi for the afternoon for $35 to take us to the grocery store and then to our apartments (way better pricing than a taxi in Dallas), and finally settled in to my studio apartment. Admittedly, it felt okay being here after I cleaned up the place and kinda made it my own. Most of my complaints about the island aren't applicable at the moment, aside from the major one of separation from loved ones. But without that separation, I wouldn't realize how much I loved them, and they me.

Tomorrow is orientation for new students, and my second semester of med school begins the day after. There is hope for this next semester. I have my own place that I can arrange how I like. It's a little small but not cramped. My study habits will finally depend on me and God working through me.

MUST STOP AND REST

One of the most important steps in making sure you grow (maybe the most important) is to stop and reflect. Well, I didn't really do that at the end of the semester. I took my last final, went to the beach, went to Four Seasons, lazed around the next day, moved into my apartment the day after, helped a friend move the day after that, then went home. After my day-long journey back, I got a burger and slept well. Then woke up and worked out, then went to Dallas to see a friend, and the next day I was sick.

Why?

Because I didn't stop doing things.

My train of thought was "I only have so much time to see so many people. I need to make the most of it." When I started to get sick, I thought "Better to be sick in good company than well on the island." This was a terrible way to think, because I drove to Arkansas, where my sore throat worsened, then left for home early 'cause I felt so tired from sick. That night, I had diarrhea multiple times, then woke up feeling nauseated. I learned that your body will make you stop. I just had a cold, a wee sore throat, but the real issue is that I needed to rest. So I had to cancel all plans (hot tub, beer, smash brothers, church, all day with best friends) and be sick for awhile. And it was kinda sad, but once I gave in, it was obviously what I needed.

I still recovered enough after the weekend to get lunch with my residency director friend from church, who reassured me that I can become licensed in any state regardless of what Caribbean school I went to so long as I can pass state licensing exams. So that's a relief. I also had drinks (mine was a hot toddy, a warm whiskey lemon drink for my sore throat) with my friend Stewart who's a year ahead of me in med school. We exchanged banter as usual, but he also told me of a residency in Arkansas near where I went for undergrad, a place I still love dearly, and said that we should do residency there together. So #duh. Having a friend in the residency you want can (apparently) help you a lot. They can tell the attending physician that you're awesome, and it can push you ahead.

Unfortunately, a lot of my current world is all about networking. Though I appreciate people, most of how I spend my time is strongly influenced by how I can use those people. I hate that that's what my world revolves around, but it most definitely is. I mean, it's helpful and I enjoy meeting with people who are doing the same work as me, but still.

Oh, one huge thing that happened during the break was before having lunch with that residency director. He invited me an hour earlier to see a rep do a demonstration with what was essentially a fallopian tube fire saw. But he introduced me to the rep as "Dr. Smith" and I was overwhelmed. This is one of the guys who trains doctors to actually be the doctors that their degrees say they are. And he casually bestowed the title upon me during this meeting. And then we proceeded to slice and dice a raw egg and raw chicken breast.

More later unless I'm an idiot again.