Some Reflections

Transition is tough. Sometimes easier, sometimes harder. The willingness to admit that you’re going through transition and focus on The Lord throughout is kinda the only way to do it well.

This last semester was tough, possibly the toughest I’ve had in a lot of ways. I learned what it’s like to be outside of a formal education, and how much it SUCKS. When you’re in school, it’s okay to forget things, ‘cause you’re replacing it with knowledge from your next classes. When you go without a formal education, even independent study, you feel trapped. Your knowledge is leaving and you want to take hold of it, to study or do something else to remedy the problem, but it’s like grasping at water as it’s pouring through your hands.

After the stress of studying for and taking the MCAT, I didn’t wanna learn things for awhile. MCAT prep was replaced with a mission trip to South America, which was immediately followed by working at a neurologist’s office, which has become a love/hate ordeal. The commute is awful (at least three hours of my day is given to it), but the work is fulfilling, and I occasionally get to shadow the doctor, which makes it worthwhile. Still, I was only able to really enjoy it when I was working three days a week rather than five. Soon I will change back to part time, and after a little longer, I will likely be leaving all of it to backpack through Europe.

Some developments since I graduated include my eye twitches. My right upper eyelid began twitching from stress when I was studying for the MCAT. Now it is easily triggered. Another development was my acceptance into a medical school. I hope to be accepted into more, but I don’t find that out for a month.

The most difficult thing in all of it has been the pretty immediate switch from having friends that I hang out with all the time to never seeing them except when I visit Arkansas. I managed to find friends at JBU that made me not only feel happier by being around them, but also better as a human. This is uncommon. Some of my old friends make me feel worse when I’m around them. I know that leaving friends behind is kinda the nature of a lot of my life, that I keep moving on in order to grow, but it hasn’t gotten any easier. As I write this, I have just finished saying a lot of goodbyes to my newly-graduated friends, some of whom I don’t know whether I’ll see even within the next year (which effectively means that I probably won’t see them for another three to five years, if not longer). This has been the least stressful time in a long while, just sitting in the local coffee shop and writing, while also not having to be back in Texas until Monday evening (and that’s only for a wine pairing dinner). Not planning too much, not having plans at all. It just sounds ideal. Like a sneak-peek of my time in Europe.

My hope is that like many fall semesters, this one will be followed by a more pleasant spring. Ideally, I should be sad to leave my current world behind to travel. Lately, I’ve been wanting it as an escape in addition to an opportunity to better myself. The idea of an escape is kinda foolish to me, since I should be loving every aspect of everything I’m doing.

Feelin' Dat Lack

I've been lacking lately. That interview on Monday woke me up to that quite a bit. I got this job to impress med schools, but it isn't entirely doing the trick. I didn't have a proper vacation this summer, just studied, mission tripped, then started work. One important aspect of those study abroad trips, my leaving the country like that, is that among all the art and history, I'm usually forced to do some reflecting, some learning about myself as I learn of the world around me. For the past month or two, perhaps longer, my scope of the world has been limited to work, family, and weekends in Dallas. Since I've been working full-time, I also haven't been meeting with my pastor for coffee/lunch, nor do I attend church as much. I feel that lack as well. That interview reminded me that this current life looks as bad as it feels, at least if I keep it up long-term.

I still read my Bible, I still pray every day on the way to work, but I am looking forward to the challenge of having plenty of time and disciplining myself to use it well.

Could Get Sticky

I have an interview with another Caribbean med school, American University of the Caribbean. It's next week on Thursday, though they were supposed to email further details today. The one that I was accepted into already, Medical University of the Americas, wants a letter of intent ("Your school is the one I choose") and a $250 housing deposit by the 20th, which leaves me in a weird place. I like having the safety net of this school, but I'm obviously going to want to go for a better school (especially if a Texas school offers an interview) if the opportunity presents itself. My dad's opinion was that $250 is a drop in the bucket compared to my upcoming tuition costs, and a letter of intent isn't binding, so if I can't postpone their deadline for it, I should just send what they want so I have a place to go if the other schools don't accept me.

The main fear is, naturally, that I won't have a place to go next year, and by the time I find that out, I will be late to applying to other programs. Then again, I don't want to appear dishonest. However, after reading this thread http://forums.studentdoctor.net/threads/are-letters-of-intent-binding.98868/ and considering that this is a requested letter of intent, not voluntary, I'm feeling okay about my prospects.

Rough Stuff

I had my med school interview today, and it kinda sucked. I was fine at first. I kinda laid out what led me to my desire to be a doctor, explained bad grades and why my grades improved, and it seemed nice. Then the interviewer would not stop bringing up those bad grades and my subpar MCAT scores. It was quite frustrating because my understanding is that these interviews are meant to get to know me as a person, since they already have transcripts and such. What's more, the interviewer also informed me that she had not looked at my recommendation letters yet. Her summary at the end was basically that I sounded like a really good fit for the school, but I still had poor grades. However, after a frustrated nap and some googling, I found that I was not the only one put through the ringer in the interview, and that it's still essentially a toss-up whether I'll get in.

My Uncomfortable Black Friday

My Black Friday was cray-cray. It began with Thanksgiving 2 (with dad and family, since Thanksgiving with mom and her boyfriend was on the real day), after which I went bowling with my sister and her boyfriend. Then we proceeded to go to a bar for dinner and drinks, and were there for some time. Then, after going to a few places, we ended up going to BBC, which, in addition to being the British Broadcasting Corporation, is also a terrible bar. I danced some there and tried a Fireball, which is a shot that tastes like the cinnamon challenge, but because I drink shots like I do any other drink, it lasted a long time.

Then the night took a turn for the crazier. I went with two of my brother's friends to Addison, where we went to a strip club, which was uncomfortable. One of the friends thought it was too crappy a club, so we left and went to another one where her friend was a dj. At this one, I was given a bottle of water and a pill. I put the pill in my pocket because I love my body and don't want that in me, but drank the water. We arrived at this strip club at around 4 AM, so I was pretty much dead, which became obvious when I was kicked out of the club an hour later when the bouncer caught me sleeping for the third time. So I proceeded to sleep in my brother's friend's car until we left sometime after dawn, and I slept in his bed.

Then at noon, when I awoke, my brother's friend was unable to do much due to all that he ingested the night before, so I had to call up my brother and have him pick me up.

And that's why I'm gonna watch out when I hang out with them from now on, and hopefully never have the privilege of attending such parties ever again. Strip clubs are no place for yours truly, I don't do drugs, and I don't wanna be out past 2 AM while I have to stay on a work schedule.

Unknown Sacrifices

The life I've chosen has sacrifices I don't tend to realize. I often view people and relationships as a chore, which is stupid, 'cause it's like viewing working out or showering in the same manner. After putting time into any of the aforementioned activities, you tend to improve. Whether it's improving your hygiene, body, or self as a person, the time is invested, not lost. The past few months, I've invested far more time in patients than in friendships, simply because that's my job. And I'd become content with that to some extent. But then I got to see so many friends at that wedding and I realized just what I've been sacrificing. It's like a whole part of me had become dormant and was reawoken when I saw them, and every moment was like precious drops, none of it a waste whatsoever.

Another part of me lay dormant as well. There's this cultured aspect that's just longing, longing to go somewhere away from here and just take things as they come. To write and sketch in journals, to visit museums, to sit in coffeeshops and read/write, to hitchhike, to meet new people, to work for an afternoon to earn a bed for the night, to reflect on myself and who I have become and whether that is who I want to be or if I need to work on things before my personality becomes set in stone in the next few years, to lay back on the beach without worries, and if it's remotely practical, to also fall in love. But all of the former are much more likely and possible sooner, methinks.

Hopefully these few days off for Thanksgiving will help me reconnect with those I should reconnect with and perhaps put some of my longings at bay.

Distance To Grow

I went to the wedding of some wonderful friends and many of my closest Arkansas friends were there as well. I drank far too much and was a lil' sickly the next day #Christian, but that's beside the point. One thing that came up was the fact that most of my friends who hadn't graduated are finally doing so next month, and they are realizing the weight of it. This naturally reminded me of the weight of my upcoming likely decision to attend medical school in the Caribbean for two years. I don't see good friends very often, but when I do, it's everything. And I'll be leaving it all. Unlike with studying abroad or living out of state, I don't know how often I'll be able to visit. Plane tickets aren't cheap and med school students don't have the time to spare anyway.

The friend who was emphasizing this the most, Tara, apologized to me as soon as she saw me this weekend, because she has been too busy for friends, but got upset with me my last semester or two for doing the same thing. It stanks, 'cause I wish that I could have spent more time with everyone, but I know that it wasn't right for me to do, that I did what was necessary to make a better future me.

It's weird, 'cause I'm not as cultured or creative or well-rounded as I'd like to be at the moment, yet I also feel like I've had the best character for the past few months. Work has been tough at times (though fine now), but I pushed through all of it.

However, I still often long to escape. I want to take a road I don't know while driving home and just go, even for just a little while. But then I think of how I have to get up so early to make the hour and a half commute the next day, and I decide to just take the normal route. And the only reason I even feel so obligated to make it to work on time is because there are patients depending on me. And I know that I'm the person people will want to work with because I work well, and I shouldn't squander excellence when I have the potential to let it benefit others.

Oh, and I have a med school interview in a week with Ross University School of Medicine. It's one of the Big Four in the Caribbean.

Potes-tubblez

http://thescrubba.com/collections/all/products/scrubba-wash-bag-2013-usd

I wanted to post this here so I'd remember it later. Just a portable washing machine for traveling.

First Acceptance

I'm officially accepted into the Medical University of the Americas. I have a month to decide whether I'll actually attend. As of yesterday, I have sent out the last of the Caribbean school applications, including three recommendation letters. I will hopefully hear back by next week from those. Work is still exhausting, kinda more annoying now because the MAs who are still learning think they know everything, yet cannot manage to work a porcuter. One of them also disagrees in how to approach patient interaction, being less professional in the name of friendliness. And I'm just wanting to say "Shut yourself. There's a reason why patients request me by name." but instead I make some lil' joke and try to get work done because I have to do more to make up for their mistakes.

I hope I have time to dream of travel tonight.

So Much

Work is crazy. I've gone from working part-time to full time, working the jobs of 2-3 people, and training medical assistants throughout.
I'm not usually one who is prone to anger, but I was pissed today, and it briefly showed while I was at work. Fortunately, I'm as passive aggressive as they come, and the target of that anger (the MA who's been training for the past week and a half) was not there. She was put in charge of checking voicemails and making sure we followed up with every patient who calls. I received a call yesterday from a patient's family, and was chewed out first by a brother-in-law, then by the sister, for not following up on a voicemail left the day before. When I asked the MA who checked those voicemails whether there had been a message regarding this patient, she said there had been none, that she took notes on everything. But when the other MA trainee was going through the messages this afternoon, that voicemail was there. And I wrote a strongly worded message to the MA responsible because I HATE the idea that a patient was the object of neglect because someone was too determined to clock out at 4 PM. These are real people and medicine should be held to a standard of excellence.
Anyway, we have job training tomorrow at 8 AM, which is an hour earlier than usual for me, and on a Saturday, which is another new one.

I also had that med school interview for the second-tier med school yesterday. And I was awesome. I've had so much clinical experience with this neurologist that it was the easiest thing to pull examples to answer their questions. And I also found out the secret to the "greatest weakness" question: I never learned a foreign language. By far the best thing to say (unless you're smarter and have learned another language). It was a 45 minute interview, and at the end of it, the lady said that she will highly recommend me to the admissions committee when they convene on Tuesday (or possibly Thursday), so I should hear before the end of next week.

I've thought of asking for a raise at my job. Not because I particularly need one, but because I'm doing SO much work and working full-time besides. But I talked to my dad about it and he recommended following my grandpa's example of submitting it to The Lord in prayer and letting it be His problem. And I need to do that with the MA's mistake as well.

I just really miss spare time, rest, a regular workout schedule, and having a clean house. And a host of other things, but those ones are within the realm of possibility when I go part-time.

For The Time Being

I've found in the past few months that rather than needing to write my thoughts out, I tell them to people. This was more difficult during school because it's so difficult to make time for people, and for them to make time for you. Now though, I am close to my family. I see my parents and siblings at least once a month. I see my grandparents every Sunday as well. I'm closer to all of them than I've ever really been and I tend to talk everything out.

I haven't received any interview invitations except from subpar medical schools, so it's becoming time to make plans for the worst. I have a phone interview Thursday for one such school, but it's difficult to judge how good of a school it is. It's apparently in good standing as a 2nd tier Caribbean school, but I don't really understand what that means. Unless God directs me otherwise, I'm probably going to go to any med school of remotely high standards, 'cause a longer wait would suck.

In any case, my plans for vacation begin with a mission trip to Belarus in March, then flying out from there to London (or Paris, maybe), and just backpacking around. Worst case scenario (well, not the WORST case scenario), I'll have to be back in the States to start school on May 27. Best case, I come back when I go on a mission trip to South America in July. Then probably go to med school SOMEwhere right after.

First Official Rejection

Got my first medical school rejection. Saba University is a no-go, which doesn't bode well for me, since it has the lowest standards of legitimate medical schools in the Caribbean. However, my personal statement had to be greatly shortened for them, so there's still hope for other schools.

But realistically speaking, I'm really not likely to get into medical school this time around. This means that, realistically, I need to start looking at grad schools to boost my GPA. It also means that in the meantime, it won't matter what I do with my time.

Since my supervisor just quit, I am having to do her work as well as mine, not to mention train the new medical assistant. But come December, I'm likely to let them know that I'm quitting, and officially turning in my two weeks notice in mid-December. But that is only if I have a fair level of assurance that medical schools will not accept me.

There's a medical science masters program that will start in late May of next year and finish the following year, so that's probably my next best bet.

Kertszenup

Criston and Caleb moved to from Arkansas to Texas this weekend. I also partook of state fair "food" (fried everything) this weekend. And all this week, I've been fighting a cold...and I may also have played Pokemon on my porcuter all weekend thanks to installing a gameboy emulator on here. But whatevz.

I still want to travel. Badly. But I can't while I have this job (though it may not last), nor while I have these pending med school applications. I wish there wasn't such a waiting involved. Now I get to be like I wanted to be before I was so driven. So now I keep drifting towards that other me, and it's weird 'cause I'm just not sure how much it's okay to give into that. After all, I'm going to have to ditch that (or much of it) when I go back to school again, which will likely be next summer or fall. I'm sure not taking another year off.

It's just weird being a 20-something and kind of a straight-shooter who's trying to do well, yet also knowing that I just want to be elsewhere a lot of the time. I dunno. I'm just rambling now. Probably best for me to read some travel blogs and go to sleep.

Right And Good

It's been awhile since I posted (and that's the most common way to open up a blog post, methinks). This will be my first time in like two months that I'm staying in Texas for two weeks in a row. I'm trying to only visit Arkansas once a month. This is because I need to be here. I need to actually transition.

This past week has felt really good. Part of it is knowing that I'm not headed to Arkansas, so I can get to work on important stuff, but I also don't have to feel pressure to get it done. And that's what makes me actually work on it. That and having a more consistent workout schedule.

My med school applications are mostly in. I am just waiting on the doctor I work for to send in a recommendation letter for me. I also have one essay that needs to lose 200 words. But really, I'm mostly done at this point, so I hope that I'll be able to get real work done in editing the footage from Peru.

My friends Criston and Caleb are moving to the Dallas area from Arkansas this weekend, and I plan to break them in by taking them to the State Fair of Texas. I'm just excited to have friends that I know but also want to get to know more. I have so few of those now, and really none in Texas.

Also since I last posted, my youngest sister went on trial and is now on probation.

Anyway, I don't know why, but I've just felt right and good lately. I hope it keeps up.

Alone & Not

I forgot how many friends I have. And I don't just mean people that I see frequently or get along with well. I mean people who are intelligent, hard working, aspiring people that I become better by being around. Just solid people who don't go off and be idiots just because they're at a difficult place in life. There's a lil' more drama, but as I told them, hearing about their relationship troubles is just plain relieving compared to what I've been surrounded by for the past four months. Stuff as simple as keeping an eye out for a drunk girl out on the town, or managing the situation when your drunk friend is trying to make out with a very taken friend. I love and miss those simple troubles based on social cues and respect. 

Anyway, I think I'm learning to live with where I'm at in Texas. My other brother is going to move back into my mom's house, which works out since I'm looking to move to my dad's house (Internet) once it's built. I still plan to drop by frequently to clean though. My friends Criston and Caleb, who are also a band, will be moving nearby, and my friend Laura claims that she will stop ignoring my texts. Tara is planning to move to Dallas after she graduates in December.

And my big question in all of it is whether God will grant me the privilege of getting into medical schools this round, or if He is going to have me go through the application process again and retake the tests and get a masters in Health Sciences. We'll see.

Being alone this much has helped me, I think. My job is basically just me listening to people. Patients tell me what's wrong or different. I just ask questions. This past weekend, when I caught up with people, it was strange to talk about myself. I don't do that. I'm not paid to do that. The alone time and only listening seems to have helped me iron out some internal issues, to think through where I'm at and what I wanna do. It brings clarity, even if the only thing I can see clearly in some areas is fog.

Catch A Content

I was in Fayetteville last night for Bikes Blues & BBQ, a big biker-themed fundraiser weekend festival thing. I stopped in one open patio bar with my friends and just looked around with the full moon, the lights strung across the enclosed area, a few stars making it through the light pollution of the city's sky. In truth, it was an uncomfortable moment because one of our group was drunkenly sitting and speaking with a group of guys (one of whom was her ex), and I was standing off a lil'.

Then I broke off from the group for a lil' bit, and on my way back to them, I stopped again to take in the sights. And I realized something. I was just taking in and appreciating being at that festival with friends, but at that moment, I was alone at this festival. The only thing that made that moment fill with happiness rather than loneliness was that I was content with where I was. I was almost tempted to feel the way I've been feeling back in Dallas or Rockwall, like I was utterly alone in all of it. The only difference, the only reason one being alone was better than the other was that one was accompanied by contentment. And I wonder if I could generate that kind of contentment within myself in Texas, if such a thing would be possible for me.

I have enough to cope now, I suppose. The friends that accompanied me to Disney World are moving to the Dallas area, so I'll get to see them on weekends. Others will be moving back in December.

And my job is nice now. Part-time, and they're wanting me to take up a few more creative things like their twitter/facebook accounts and a book of pictures of brain, skull, vertebra, and spinal cord things for the doctor to show patients what's screwed up in their bodies.

What To Duhzzz

I was supposed to start working part time this week, but then I ended up being the only medical assistant in the clinic. And it was the best.

I was super busy all day. Every minute was spent checking patients in, typing in patient notes, and coordinating the rooms so that we could see each patient as quickly as possible. I had patient interaction all day. I was busy and challenged and learning and time flew by.

And at the end of the night, my boss informed me that I was doing well, and that if I went on full time, he would hire another medical assistant to do the things I currently dislike, like phone calls and faxes and other such office work. And he wants my answer next week.

So now I find myself wondering whether I should continue with this job like this. My mind is full of hopes and dreams and aspirations, and I keep wondering how much I should be putting aside and how much I should be embracing, since it is my gap year. If I make it into medical school next year, I won't be able to backpack through Europe. Not until much later. But maybe if I stay with this job, the doctor's reputation will be enough to bump me into medical school.

I just don't know what to do or where God is leading me. I thought I felt peace about quitting... I just don't know.

MMMmmaybeez

Switching to part-time at my job has made it so much better. That extra hour of sleep does wonders. Waking up with the dawn rather than an hour before it does a lot for me as well. This week, I'm only losing a few hours because my supervisor is taking the MCAT today, and I agreed to take over both her and my own work for Friday, rather than taking the day off, as I was intending to do. My boss and the doctor are very appreciative of me at the moment, so Friday will probably be the smart day for me to ask for a recommendation letter for my offshore medical school applications.

I feel that I am in a good place. I'd like to be secure in my job, but there's no guarantee of that really, not while I'm working part time. But I'm also okay with it if they let me go. The world remains my oyster, and there are many aspirations I have beyond my job. From learning guitar to learning Spanish to picking up and moving back to Arkansas (though that is less likely) to shadowing physicians, I have many other things I'd like to do that I'm still prevented from doing with my current schedule.

I know that I'm not in the best of places, however, because I am currently my greatest concern. No one else's needs are coming before my own and that means that I am not in the best place in life.

Tonight is Lakeshore Creative, where my church apparently will ask us what talents and abilities we have to help out so that we can be more involved. Maybe something will happen with that.

Choices And Decisions

I successfully moved to part-time at my job. They wanted someone to work full-time, so once they find someone to replace me, they're gonna let me go. This should take a month or two.

I knew that something had to happen, to change. Hopefully, this will work for now. I knew that I needed to get out of working full-time. But here's the thing. I'm only working the job to look impressive for medical schools. I'm only on the verge of completing the application process now (I began it five months ago).

I went to Arkansas this weekend. I got to hang out with my friend Criston, who's in a band called Criston and Caleb. They're Christian and good at what they do, and they are releasing a $35,000 album this year. Anyway, Criston and I get along really well, and he told me he would want to get an apartment with me, and after a moment of consideration, he offered for me to stay at his parents' house with him. His parents apparently have medical connections as well. In addition, the vast majority of my current friends are living in Arkansas now...

I just kinda don't know what to do. I'm blessed and privileged to be at the job I have, but I don't want it. I feel like I'm being cheated on the pay. I don't have any peer interaction in Texas. All of my local friends are kinda in bad places right now (or they're married).

The biggest problem I'm finding with my job isn't the hours, the pay, the environment, or even the commute. It just isn't fulfilling. I feel kinda stuck where I'm at.

But unlike with school, I now have options. Like, I'm not just forced to take whatever classes with whatever professor in order to get a degree. I can choose. So I'm aiming to shadow a physician and help out at my home church. Meanwhile,  I'm also considering moving to Arkansas and getting a part-time job there so I can grow as a human with interactions with people who are actually becoming better in their pursuit of God, but are also real people.

It all depends on medical school interviews. When and if I have them, that is what kinda needs to decide everything. I mean, I'm also tempted to ditch it all and go backpacking in Europe.

Basically, I just need God's direction. I'm even tempted to avoid getting a real job, since a trip to Europe in January is tempting to make into a real plan, and no one wants an employee who's only there for two months.

Things That Make Tears Come Out Of My Face

I'm not the crying type. I remember in my youth group, from junior high even until now sometimes, always wanting to cry when worship hits me hard. But no, I don't cry much. Pain will make tears come out of my face, as will onions and the occasional disobedient contact lens, but mere emotion tends to stir nothing in my lacrimal glands. This changes with transition.

I remember moving from California to Texas, when we were officially no longer paying visits to Burbank, Los Angeles, nor Hollywood, and were instead resigned to live the life of regular humans, with school and work and play in a middle class lifestyle. I would cry at night sometimes, missing California and the crushed dreams our move represented to me.

College was the next big transition. Fortunately, I had school and newfound friends (who would later become my best friends) and a roommate to prevent me from crying at night over the loss of my old life.

And now I'm finding myself with no school nor newfound friends. Instead, I have a few coworkers, a boss, and a doctor, old friends who don't seem to serve the purpose of peers at the moment, and a deep, deep hunger for life in Arkansas or anywhere else, for that matter. My eyes, which are dry even at the end of Titanic or other such films, have actually moistened at the thought of the precious people and places in Arkansas that I miss.

This transition is difficult. Unlike other transitions, I don't find myself in a new place; rather, I'm in an old place with friend groups whittled down, and those that remain being those that I don't prefer. I have deadlines over my head, a job that challenges me, and a constant yearning to just escape to another country. The worst part is that I have the money to leave, but I CAN'T BECAUSE WHAT IF I DO GET AN INTERVIEW AND A CHANCE TO GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL??? THEN I WOULD NEED TO BE IN THE COUNTRY.

Ugh, Transition

Once I realized the implications of a full-time job, I realized that I wanted out. No matter how great the privilege of working in a neurology clinic, I’m realizing that I cannot easily function the way I’d prefer to in my gap year while working there.

This transition state is easier in some ways than it was at first. Harder in other ways though. The biggest problem is that I don’t have friends here. The school year has started, so I’m not sure how frequently I’ll get to see my Arkansas friends now. I need peer-to-peer relationships though. I can’t just have my family for friends, right? So within this gap year I’m finding gaps within myself, and it’s difficult to fill them. I have yet to know to what extent I’m keeping my job this week, whether it will be paid or unpaid, or what my hours will be.

Once I know, and once I finally get all my application forms sent into medical schools, then maybe I can take mini vacations, or possibly staycations. I live near the 9^th biggest city in the United States, so there’s plenty I’d like to see that I have either never seen or haven’t seen in fifteen years.

Once I know about interview times and whether I’ll have any (just being honest), I can go backpacking through Europe for some time. My ideal traveling buddy will already be over there and I think it will be very difficult for me to tire easily of traveling with him for an extended period of time.

I’m realizing that a lot of legitimate doctors go to Mexico, South America, even Asia and Europe for medical school. If American schools don’t work out this year, maybe I’ll apply to those. Ideally, it’ll only be for two years and then I’ll be back in the States for clinicals, followed by residency.

I’m sometimes tempted to ignore the timing, to just enjoy being a 20-something and travel, which is obviously a burning desire in me. But then I remember why I’m doing it, who I’m doing it for, and I realize once again that it can’t wait. Every year, every moment I delay any part of the process, that’s another year and another moment that some impoverished people have to go without my being able to help them.

And then, after you've submitted it to Jesus, you get the news that things turned out exactly how they should, in the best of all possible ways. And your first thought isn't "What a relief!" It's "Well duh."

Treasures In The Mind

Maybe I'm a hippie at heart. Maybe I just like to finally get paid for what I do. Maybe I'm just getting good enough at my job that I don't dread it so much. Maybe I've settled into the fact that I won't be able to do anything after work besides eat and sleep in order to do well the next day. Maybe I like the people I work with and the patients too much. Maybe I don't think my boss will let me work less hours without just firing me. Maybe working for a neurologist WILL look impressive to medical schools.

Whatever the reason, I'm keeping this job and also finding a way to learn Spanish and possibly French. Night classes are full since classes start next week. Groupon has a 70% off deal for Rocket Languages. It has good reviews. I need to learn Spanish for next summer's mission trip, but I also may need to know some French for a trip to Europe early next year with The Duke of Norfolk.

I guess everyone has the desire to leave everything, but I most definitely feel it pressing on me, the need to drop whatever I've got going and just fly to Europe and wander. After I get into medical school, it will be difficult to work up the nerve for it, but I will want to quit everything and live out some dreams for awhile, even if only for a few months.

I feel knowledge leaving me already. When studying in Italy, our professor's wife, who had majored in history, said she didn't remember much anymore. The idea of forgetting the treasures I've learned terrified me. It terrifies me now. I must keep pushing myself to learn more. Otherwise, work will be all there is.

On the bright side, I am making time to daydream. Before bed, on the way to work, and especially on the way home from work, I daydream. I let my mind wander. It feels like the healthiest possible thing after I have to discipline my thoughts all day at work to focus on the tasks at hand.

The Possibilities Of Leaving

This week will be murder. Each day I work will be an eleven-hour day plus the two-hour drive, so work will occupy 13 hours of every day that I work. I want to quit pretty badly now. I might be let go first though, 'cause on Friday, they remembered the reason they were able to start paying me at all, namely that I had obtained my phlebotomy certification online. Unfortunately, when I asked them if I could do clinicals there and they said "yes", I assumed that they meant that someone would be able to supervise me, and they assumed that I could just begin doing it with what they had. They have no one to supervise me and I don't feel comfortable taking blood with the equipment they have, not without seeing it done first.

So now I'm debating when to tell them that I don't think it's a good fit. I feel just a tad dishonest about waiting until after my paid week off next week, but on the other hand, I've put in enough unpaid hours to have earned that time, since my on-the-job training was unpaid. My dad advised me to wait until I have another job lined up... So now I'd like to find a part-time job close to home that's even remotely related to medicine, then put the rest of my hours into shadowing doctors, volunteering, and taking foreign-language classes. Not to mention finishing med school applications and editing that video from the Colombia trip...

Not H8ing, Not Quitting Yet

Yesterday was my first day not wanting to quit my job. Maybe that's because Mondays and Tuesdays are earlier days, making 7 AM seem like sleeping in when Wednesday rolls around. Maybe it was because Wednesdays are also slow, or because I got off work over an hour early because the doctor's mother died and she had to leave for the funeral in San Antonio. And it could also just be because I'm getting used to answering the phones. I'm not very confident with it and I hate doing it, but they're making me do it more so that I can become more natural at it.

And my social security card did come in the mail yesterday, so I can legally be employed and, therefore, actually receive money.

The primary reasons for my wanting to quit are the same though: not enough patient interaction nor doctor shadowing. I didn't even check in a patient yesterday, nor have any patient interaction at all beyond check ins/outs. Granted, that will change once we get a mid-level neurologist and I am their medical assistant, but by that time, I'll be past my 90 day introductory period and unable to quit a job without it reflecting poorly on me. In fact, this 90 day period is kind of a sham for me, 'cause a lot of my problems with this job are supposed to change at the end of September.

For now though, I'm just going to be talking to people and browsing jobs online to find a part-time replacement that's hopefully closer to home so I can shadow doctors and not worry about pay. And until I can find something else, I'll work at this neurology clinic with as much excellence as I can manage.

As my coworker told me the other day, "Oh, you're gonna violate HIPAA. Just you wait."

Next week is supposed to be awful though. Working all hours, basically just coming home in time to sleep, and continuing like that and getting the following week off, giving us a very extended Labor Day weekend.

When To Quit

Last night, I experienced my second Monday working a full-time schedule at the neurologist's clinic where I work. Because we share an office with a cardiologist, our hours are weird. Weird enough that I work an 11-hour shift on Mondays. It. Is. The worst.

I have to leave before 6 AM to get to work on time (an hour away), so I start my day an hour and a half before dawn. Commuting adds an extra two hours to each day.

I'm not getting near as much patient interaction nor doctor shadowing as I had wished. I am also getting paid far less than anticipated.

I have friends in clinical settings that can help me get a replacement job, and have offered to.

With this in mind, I was thinking of all the reasons to quit on the way to work today. But of course, quitting sounds irresponsible and, well, like a quitter, so I just gave it to God and was like "Well, you gave me this job, and I know you have me here for the time being, so work things out the way you want to" and went to work. There were arguments between the doctor, office manager (those two are married), and my supervisor in one of the patient rooms DURING CLINIC HOURS. They were yelling for some 10-15 minutes while patients were expected to arrive. Fortunately, no patients arrived on time. It came to the point that afterwards, the doctor walked out and told us to cancel clinic today, followed quickly by the office manager telling us not to cancel anything. It was while they yelled at each other that I felt more peace about quitting the job. The office manager, my boss, was upset with everyone all day. I made an easily-corrected mistake in not getting enough patient information for an appointment, and the office manager told me he'd have to write me up, and if something like that happened again, they'd have to let me go. This was my first time scheduling an appointment for a new patient by myself, and the situation was easily remedied.

I'm in the "90 day introductory period" to see whether I'm a good fit for the office. I'm not that desperate for this job. I'm doing it because "neurologist" sounds impressive, but my livelihood isn't on the line and God is lining things up for me. Once I find another job (and actually collect a paycheck from this one) and can be sure that I'm not leaving them in a bad place in terms of help they need, I'm going to better work.

Oh, also, my youngest sister broke into my mom's house today, haha. I'm supposed to replace the deadlocks on all the doors now.

Unpleasant Encounters

My youngest sister got into the house today. Whether I forgot to lock the door or she somehow got in through the garage (there was evidence of attempts at the latter, but her claims favored the former), I came home to her inside. She is no longer allowed in my mom's house, and neither are her friends. She claimed to be back for her clothes because she had run out, and I told her that she couldn't do this anymore, that she couldn't just come into the house. When it was obvious that I was trying to usher her out, she started yelling at me.

Because she tells lies about and is rude to my mom, effectively trying to disown her, I had texted her to either stop calling herself a Christian or we were done talking. I had thought of apologizing, had even begun the texts, but I realized that my convictions really did line up with what I said. I struggle enough as a Christian that manages to respect authority; I don't want my sister cussing people out, doing drugs, possibly having a mental disorder or demonic possession, and claim to be representing the blessed Savior, Jesus Christ.

So she yelled at me that I had said she wasn't Christian. I told her that that wasn't true, and then she quoted the text to me, which said what I'd meant. She said the same thing again, that I had claimed she wasn't a Christian, and I replied the same way. Then she screamed at me that I'm not God, that I can't judge her, that it's not my place, f*** you, and left.

When I called my mom about it, one of the things she asked me was whether I felt safe. And I realized that if my sister brings some thugs over, even her boyfriend, I might need to be able to do something. I thought baseball bat, then my brother said a gun would be better. We are in Texas, after all. (From Dr. Seuss's "I Had Trouble In Getting To Solla Sollew")

The good thing about all of it is that I currently have an enemy greater than my apathy (in the words of Mumford and Sons), which means that I have accountability. I like that.

My To-Do List For After Graduating

I made this list for after graduating and after I'm done with classes and all that. Complain though I might about having a paying internship, I treasure the ability to finally have these within my grasp.

• Go to a park and people watch.
• Go to a bar and people watch.
• Write. Write poetry, stories, blogs, whatever. Write.
• Read books for fun.
• Read that history book from college that you didn't sell back for this very reason.
• Weekend road trips to new states?
• Learn languages (Spanish, then French, then the world is your oyster)
• Try to cook or bake a thing.
• Visit museums.

Okay, I found a few new ones on another blog.

• Buy a packet of 3 x 5-inch notecards. Carry them around with you. Always. Record cool stuff. Awful stuff. Daily. Review your card pack every Sunday. 
• Buy a $2 notebook. Title it Observations I. Start recording. Now. Anything and everything.
• Get up from your couch. Now. Take a two-hour walk on the beach. In the hills. Whatever. Repeat . . . once every couple of weeks. (Weekly?)

And another blog.

• Take an hour and make a list of everything that's important to you. Add to it everything that you want to do in life. Now cut that list down to 4-5 things. Just the most important things in your life. This is your core list. This is what matters. Focus your life on these things. Make time for them.
• Life isn't all about fun and games. Suffering is an inevitable part of life. We lose our jobs. We lose our lovers. We lose our pets. We get physically injured or sick. A loved one becomes sick. A parent dies. Learn to feel the pain intensely, and really grieve. This is a part of life -- really feel the pain. And when you're done, move on, and find joy.
• Try something new every week. Ask yourself: "What new thing shall I try this week?" Then be sure to do it. You don't have to learn a new language in one week, but seek new experiences. Give it a try. You might decide you want to keep it in your life.

The point is, I can't stand the idea of allowing my life to drift anywhere near to dread for my day-to-day or monotony. I've already made paper eyes for the shredder at work and my coworker and I named him George. The little things can be (and often are) the most important.

I bring this up because I've already found myself desperate enough to escape my current world that I started playing an RPG on my porcuter. It does the trick, but after playing for a any real length of time, I feel like I threw that portion of my life into an empty thing. Leisure time with a lil' discipline can make that into time invested instead of just hours floating away, unfulfilled.

Internship With A Neurologist

I finished the first week of my PAID internship at a neurologist's office. And it has sucked a lot. It's only bad 'cause I'm still getting used to it, and they're pretty harsh on me to try to get me prepared for when I become sort of an assistant to the new PA. I love being around medical stuff, but the majority of this now is just office work with just enough medical stuff to make me feel in over my head. I'm terrible on the phone, but I'm now making calls to patients about their radiology and lab reports. Plus, I have to answer the phone too, and since I know very little about medications, scheduling, and how the office works, I often panic and have to pass on the phone call to someone else.

The biggest perk of the job is getting to work with patients. Patient interaction is what medical schools want, and that is precisely what I get much of the time. I give MOCAs, the Montreal Cognitive Assessment, which is basically a short -term memory test (you can Google it).

It takes me an hour to get to work and an hour to get back. Two hours of my day go towards the journey. I had missed commuting. It took me 45 minutes to get to my high school, so I had learned to utilize the time well. I would begin my day with worship and prayer. So now I'm trying to get into that habit again, but when you have to wake up for work at 5 or 7 AM, it sucks. I already miss the old me that had the chance to stay up late and sleep in.

Anyway, each morning tends to consist a lot of me mentally preparing myself to face everything. As an intern, anything and everything is my job, and I'm always too slow at all of it. Just frustrating for now.