When God Talks

I tried to do the 10-12 hour daily study schedule, but 13 months straight of clinical rotations apparently requires a break. So I took Friday off. I met up with that girl I liked last year. We had coffee. I asked her why she cut off communication, and she replied that it was just her being selfish. So that frustrated me, since what I had hoped happened was that I had done something wrong, something to trigger it, to justify it. Either way, it lifted that weight off. Having borne that weight for 10 months, the change was nice. Unfortunately, just before I asked about that, she mentioned that she has been spending more time with a particular guy. On my previous visit, she had used me to play keepaway from said guy because he had slept with many in her friend group, and she obviously was not interested in that type of guy. But two months later, the change was palpable.

The moment she told me, my heart was racing and I was shaking. But I hung out with her all day and went to billiards with her that evening. When said guy arrived, they were obviously a couple and my body freaked out. I was obviously struggling, and she kept asking what was going on, but I was afraid that it was all me; also, it was a casual social setting, so I did not bother. On the drive home and when I went to bed, my body was writhing. The next day, I had no appetite, and I couldn't really think, so I wrote it out as a poem. Then went to pick up whiskey (because what else do you do) and on the way back, I stopped at the docks. It was raining so I sat in the rain and looked out on the water and yelled at God. The tachycardia, anorexia, nausea, and anxiety were to get my attention. He wanted me to tell her that the relationship was not okay. When I settled on that as an answer, I felt peace. It even took away the depressive symptoms. So I knew that that was God.

I texted her that God had talked to me and I had unpleasant news, so she should call me when she can listen to such. She replied that she could tell, that it was readily apparent for the entire evening previous. Awaiting the call, I could barely function, just watched a sermon and then sat back and watched the storm interact with the tree outside my study area's window. I went to bed at around 11:30 PM, and was once again pretty restless until she called at 2:30 AM. I told her that God was not okay with it. Then I told her that I also was not okay with it, and explained my reasoning. I also told her that I could not be around her while she was with this guy. She stopped me to say that I am not the first friend that she has lost to this. So that made it clear where all of this was going. She wanted the night to think it over.

I had the same nausea with eating and drinking today, though I did still manage to get a workout in. Then finally texted her around 8:45 PM to let her know that maybe God was telling me to fast, so I was doing that and also praying against anything demonic just in case. Her replies then made it clear that she was not willing to consider any of what I had said, and told me off for being judgmental and that she can make her own decisions and mistakes. I told her that if she feels that way, I will ask God to release me from this and I hope that I am wrong. But obviously, the ending there is that we are not really friends at this point. My symptoms were relieved immediately after.

Hearing from God sometimes sucks. I shared His words and lost a friend as a result. On the other hand, feeling connected to God again is wonderful. It is just sad that my main stress relief while studying, karaoke with that dear friend, is no longer an option. I do not know how I will pass this career-defining exam without that.

Back Home

I moved home and cleared out a study space in my mom's house over the weekend.

Why can I not be done with all of this? I just... I am so tired. The best part of my life is when I am asleep. I am jealous of coma patients, and even more jealous of the dead. But no, I have to save the world, and to do so, I have to learn everything first.This is how it happens with the best hero stories. They are sent away, they spend time in training, and upon their return, they are far more proficient than they were before.

I am rambling, but I am also just trying to think of what I used to think of to get to sleep. Superheroes, I suppose. Or the big and bright future. And I will likely be able to do so a little better after I finally visit the gym tomorrow. But until then, WHAT BIG AND BRIGHT FUTURE?!? I give up momentary happiness all the time because I recognize the cost, to myself or others, and as a result, I constantly feel very alone and disheartened. Will I get to go outside this summer? Will I ever find that girl? Will I ever feel happy? Should I get on antidepressants to make life tolerable, or keep going on like this?

Maybe something good will happen, but the whole world has seemed trashed for years and I am so tired of giving up everything for the purpose of learning how I will eventually clean it up.

So yeah, that makes Day 1 of studying for the Step 2 exam. I am obviously psyched for it.