The Shaking Of Community

It's a rainy Sunday. I skipped church 'cause I stayed up late watching a new show (and because my feelings about the church in general have become very mixed with this election). The girl I kinda distance crush on was there, but I only know through pics posted on social media.

I'm feeling more and more at odds with the world immediately around me. I wish that I agreed more with people here in Texas. And I wish that my convictions weren't so closely tied to my opinions. Or that everyone else would have a faith that wasn't so closely tied to their choices; it makes me feel like my faith and my convictions from my faith are in opposition to one another.

The thing I miss most, ministry, is something that I'm also afraid of becoming involved in again. This is due to a number of reasons, some practical, but a big one is this distrust that has arisen in me.

I don't know what I am anymore. If it wasn't for the community here, I feel that my faith might have a chance to be stronger. But the community that is meant to strengthen my faith actually shakes it. My world was once simpler. I was once simpler. But the temptation to throw babies and bathwater out together has only increased in the last few years, and it just seems trying when I attempt to separate them out.

On The Flight Last Night...

Going to Ireland and Scotland again... This is where so many journeys started. Ireland is where the world shattered in some ways, when I found out about my parents' upcoming divorce six years and some months past from today. After all, when you are taught that something is wrong, and then those that taught you participate in the thoroughly engaging legal process involved in committing such an act, your perspective is forced to change somewhat. I still hate divorce, hate the sin that causes it and that it causes, but it is quite present. All around me. Friends are divorced and friends are marrying divorced people. And here I am, wondering which beliefs to hold onto in the midst of all of it.

Scotland in particular has reminded me of what makes me want to date someone. All of those places in Europe where you are something beautiful and you just wish that there was someone there with you that you're connected with in such a way as to have a moment captured in both of your minds and hearts simultaneously.

But at best, I've had strangers who manage to be at the same place with me, and the moment is captured in a flicker before the wisp flutters into nothing. Then you wish them a good evening, maybe add them on Facebook, and content yourself with a snapshot in time lacking in the depth that something inside yearns for.

I'm no longer quite so convinced that there is someone out there for me, romantically speaking. Of course, the danger in this thought process is the idea that I no longer need to "save myself" for someone. But on the other hand, I have saved myself not for any future person, but rather for God. 

The relief I can hold onto in any of this is studying medicine. At least there, the rules are relatively clear in terms of rules and ethics. The struggle with faith and social issues and life can fade away somewhat in the face of science. It is probably not the best coping mechanism, but it is what I have.

New Beliefs & Their Frustrations

Jet lag has been a doozy on this trip to Ireland. Granted, I only worked in naptime for the first time yesterday. I slept all afternoon and evening, then went to sleep again after going out for a couple hours. Despite all of it, I'm still waking up at 7 AM, which is highly unusual for me. However, if I could get my body to do this while studying in the States, it would make things much easier. Unfortunately, I am forced to work with my beautifully lazy body.

Now I sit in a lovely tea room loft a stone's throw from Christchurch in Dublin, Ireland (well, within eyesight; my arm is not very adept at stone throwing). I've neglected journaling. As with most trips, it was easy to get caught up in tourism, seeing, and walking. And unlike most of my memories of Ireland, it has been sunny or cloudy, but hardly raining.

I didn't think that this would happen, but I really do feel an aversion to the church based on this election. Though I know it shouldn't, it makes me wary of foundational teachings I grew up with. This stems from the issue of many passages of scripture already having a selected interpretation, when in fact, the reality is that there are many possible interpretations of a given account, and the traditional view could very well be associated with a specific cultural norm that is no longer relevant. All the while, I see others of my age group being similarly turned off from Christianity for the same reasons that I am, but unlike me, they lack the years of relationship with Christ that tends to lend support in such a time of uncertainty.

While all of this confusion within the faith is transpiring, I find myself working harder to dispel misconceptions about the teachings of Christ than with actually sharing the gospel of His saving grace. Instead of saying that Jesus loved all, even (and especially) those against whom most had strong prejudice, I spend time telling people that the racism and bigotry in the Church wasn't at all the message of Jesus. Instead of teaching a positive, I'm denying a negative. And through the overcorrection that often becomes inherently involved, I side with religions and beliefs that aren't my own and speak out against that to which I belong. And somehow, this is what most strongly matches with my convictions.

This has a poor effect upon my thought life. And other parts of life as well, I suppose. I overcorrect in other areas and neglect the good habits that my mind associates with the Church, such as going to church.

The refugee situation is a particularly important demonstration of just how far off the Church seems to me. Twenty million refugees, and ten million of those are children. What is the response of the Church? Bomb their country and make it even more difficult for them to get into ours. The fear of terrorism somehow manages to overshadow some of the clearest teachings of scripture, and not just the scriptures of Christianity either. Helping widows and orphans, helping strangers and foreigners in their time of need, because we too were once strangers in a foreign land.

I don't like that this is where things are, and I don't like the way I react to it either. I don't like that my current, much more informed beliefs often seem at odds with what I once believed, with those of the conservative world.

Yet here we are.

Believe bad or good what?

Living situation in Dallas, which seemed like a somewhat sure thing, is a somewhat unsure thing. Family talked about Trump so I left the lakehouse early, because I am strongly against much of what he stands for. Family is messed up. I'm messed up. And I sit wondering if the luxuries of America really are better than the dull alcoholic life I lived on the island. At least there, my mind was consumed with lesser things like a social life I didn't have and an oppressive sadness. Instead, I just feel like I believe in a God whose people generally believe against what I think is most important. Maybe I'm being stupid. Or judgmental. Stupid brain.