2015?

In the past, God has often spoken to me a lot about the new year. Admittedly, I was often a better listener in the past. But tomorrow, I start my second semester of medical school. I've made it through that first semester and done so better than some of my peers; in fact, I was a point above average in my more difficult classes (and a point below in the easy/blow off classes). But last semester was also easier.

Tomorrow, I start Biochemistry. After peeking at the first lecture, I'm a little terrified, because it bears a strong resemblance to Organic Chemistry. The only reason I remember as much of that class as I do is because I put a great deal of effort into it as an undergraduate, giving up my lunch breaks to be privately tutored by our professor. And I am fairly certain that I didn't make any grades above a C.

Medical Genetics is also this semester. Genetics was the only class (aside from French II) that I remember dropping as an undergrad. And though I remember having a long list of reasons at the time, the primary reasons were that the subject matter was more difficult than was reasonable for a sophomore-level class, and that I wasn't learning due to the teaching style of our professor (the chair of the science department who made me publicly cry for the first time since I was 14 when he told me that I wouldn't get into medical school at the rate I was going).

Physiology is a more difficult subject as well, but I did take two Physiology courses at the same time during my last semester of undergrad, and I think I made B's in both.

So I'm a little nervous. Whatever confidence I built up during the break, it's not really okay for me to  hold onto it, is it? I mean, new apartment that I get to make my own, new potential to visit home during the summer, and new potential professional connections after I get back to the States...but have I ever done well when acting very confident? It often turns to arrogance and then I'm put in my place. But what if I  hold onto the proper amount of confidence? I went through the fire and am now on the other side, ready for the hotter fire.

I've always talked about my grades in a pessimistic manner, whether I made a 100 or a 48 (that was a bad day in Organic Chemistry). My 8th grade history teacher once remarked that I was the only student she ever had who could say that he was going to fail a test and then make a 100 on it.

Maybe familiarity will make my heart grow fonder of the people here. After all, there are little things. For Halloween, someone sent me a Halloween-gram (basically a Valentine's Day thing on the wrong day). It was anonymous. I saw friends today and they seemed a'ight. Who knows.

This semester, I'm going to try to force a few more positivities. I'm going to aim to sing more (virtually soundproof apartment), listen to positive music, listen to CHRISTIAN music, listen to CHRISTIAN WORSHIP music (which I  hadn't really made a habit for, well, years now maybe), and generally aim to be the positive I want to see here. As the most outspoken white man, that is my responsibility. To bring the change I want to see. Maybe I can help revamp that Christian organization here. I'm thinking of making a push towards more evangelical teaching, so that we all get our basic theology straight (I brought the book Essential Truths of the Christian Faith by R.C. Sproul, one of the few Christian books I think are worthwhile) rather than what they do now, which is just picking someone to speak on some subject from the Bible. To me, that's what you go to church for. When I go to a "Christian Fellowship", I want to actually fellowship and discuss the Bible, not let one person talk. Lead and guide, yes, but not taking over the show.