And then, after you've submitted it to Jesus, you get the news that things turned out exactly how they should, in the best of all possible ways. And your first thought isn't "What a relief!" It's "Well duh."

Treasures In The Mind

Maybe I'm a hippie at heart. Maybe I just like to finally get paid for what I do. Maybe I'm just getting good enough at my job that I don't dread it so much. Maybe I've settled into the fact that I won't be able to do anything after work besides eat and sleep in order to do well the next day. Maybe I like the people I work with and the patients too much. Maybe I don't think my boss will let me work less hours without just firing me. Maybe working for a neurologist WILL look impressive to medical schools.

Whatever the reason, I'm keeping this job and also finding a way to learn Spanish and possibly French. Night classes are full since classes start next week. Groupon has a 70% off deal for Rocket Languages. It has good reviews. I need to learn Spanish for next summer's mission trip, but I also may need to know some French for a trip to Europe early next year with The Duke of Norfolk.

I guess everyone has the desire to leave everything, but I most definitely feel it pressing on me, the need to drop whatever I've got going and just fly to Europe and wander. After I get into medical school, it will be difficult to work up the nerve for it, but I will want to quit everything and live out some dreams for awhile, even if only for a few months.

I feel knowledge leaving me already. When studying in Italy, our professor's wife, who had majored in history, said she didn't remember much anymore. The idea of forgetting the treasures I've learned terrified me. It terrifies me now. I must keep pushing myself to learn more. Otherwise, work will be all there is.

On the bright side, I am making time to daydream. Before bed, on the way to work, and especially on the way home from work, I daydream. I let my mind wander. It feels like the healthiest possible thing after I have to discipline my thoughts all day at work to focus on the tasks at hand.

The Possibilities Of Leaving

This week will be murder. Each day I work will be an eleven-hour day plus the two-hour drive, so work will occupy 13 hours of every day that I work. I want to quit pretty badly now. I might be let go first though, 'cause on Friday, they remembered the reason they were able to start paying me at all, namely that I had obtained my phlebotomy certification online. Unfortunately, when I asked them if I could do clinicals there and they said "yes", I assumed that they meant that someone would be able to supervise me, and they assumed that I could just begin doing it with what they had. They have no one to supervise me and I don't feel comfortable taking blood with the equipment they have, not without seeing it done first.

So now I'm debating when to tell them that I don't think it's a good fit. I feel just a tad dishonest about waiting until after my paid week off next week, but on the other hand, I've put in enough unpaid hours to have earned that time, since my on-the-job training was unpaid. My dad advised me to wait until I have another job lined up... So now I'd like to find a part-time job close to home that's even remotely related to medicine, then put the rest of my hours into shadowing doctors, volunteering, and taking foreign-language classes. Not to mention finishing med school applications and editing that video from the Colombia trip...

Not H8ing, Not Quitting Yet

Yesterday was my first day not wanting to quit my job. Maybe that's because Mondays and Tuesdays are earlier days, making 7 AM seem like sleeping in when Wednesday rolls around. Maybe it was because Wednesdays are also slow, or because I got off work over an hour early because the doctor's mother died and she had to leave for the funeral in San Antonio. And it could also just be because I'm getting used to answering the phones. I'm not very confident with it and I hate doing it, but they're making me do it more so that I can become more natural at it.

And my social security card did come in the mail yesterday, so I can legally be employed and, therefore, actually receive money.

The primary reasons for my wanting to quit are the same though: not enough patient interaction nor doctor shadowing. I didn't even check in a patient yesterday, nor have any patient interaction at all beyond check ins/outs. Granted, that will change once we get a mid-level neurologist and I am their medical assistant, but by that time, I'll be past my 90 day introductory period and unable to quit a job without it reflecting poorly on me. In fact, this 90 day period is kind of a sham for me, 'cause a lot of my problems with this job are supposed to change at the end of September.

For now though, I'm just going to be talking to people and browsing jobs online to find a part-time replacement that's hopefully closer to home so I can shadow doctors and not worry about pay. And until I can find something else, I'll work at this neurology clinic with as much excellence as I can manage.

As my coworker told me the other day, "Oh, you're gonna violate HIPAA. Just you wait."

Next week is supposed to be awful though. Working all hours, basically just coming home in time to sleep, and continuing like that and getting the following week off, giving us a very extended Labor Day weekend.

When To Quit

Last night, I experienced my second Monday working a full-time schedule at the neurologist's clinic where I work. Because we share an office with a cardiologist, our hours are weird. Weird enough that I work an 11-hour shift on Mondays. It. Is. The worst.

I have to leave before 6 AM to get to work on time (an hour away), so I start my day an hour and a half before dawn. Commuting adds an extra two hours to each day.

I'm not getting near as much patient interaction nor doctor shadowing as I had wished. I am also getting paid far less than anticipated.

I have friends in clinical settings that can help me get a replacement job, and have offered to.

With this in mind, I was thinking of all the reasons to quit on the way to work today. But of course, quitting sounds irresponsible and, well, like a quitter, so I just gave it to God and was like "Well, you gave me this job, and I know you have me here for the time being, so work things out the way you want to" and went to work. There were arguments between the doctor, office manager (those two are married), and my supervisor in one of the patient rooms DURING CLINIC HOURS. They were yelling for some 10-15 minutes while patients were expected to arrive. Fortunately, no patients arrived on time. It came to the point that afterwards, the doctor walked out and told us to cancel clinic today, followed quickly by the office manager telling us not to cancel anything. It was while they yelled at each other that I felt more peace about quitting the job. The office manager, my boss, was upset with everyone all day. I made an easily-corrected mistake in not getting enough patient information for an appointment, and the office manager told me he'd have to write me up, and if something like that happened again, they'd have to let me go. This was my first time scheduling an appointment for a new patient by myself, and the situation was easily remedied.

I'm in the "90 day introductory period" to see whether I'm a good fit for the office. I'm not that desperate for this job. I'm doing it because "neurologist" sounds impressive, but my livelihood isn't on the line and God is lining things up for me. Once I find another job (and actually collect a paycheck from this one) and can be sure that I'm not leaving them in a bad place in terms of help they need, I'm going to better work.

Oh, also, my youngest sister broke into my mom's house today, haha. I'm supposed to replace the deadlocks on all the doors now.

Unpleasant Encounters

My youngest sister got into the house today. Whether I forgot to lock the door or she somehow got in through the garage (there was evidence of attempts at the latter, but her claims favored the former), I came home to her inside. She is no longer allowed in my mom's house, and neither are her friends. She claimed to be back for her clothes because she had run out, and I told her that she couldn't do this anymore, that she couldn't just come into the house. When it was obvious that I was trying to usher her out, she started yelling at me.

Because she tells lies about and is rude to my mom, effectively trying to disown her, I had texted her to either stop calling herself a Christian or we were done talking. I had thought of apologizing, had even begun the texts, but I realized that my convictions really did line up with what I said. I struggle enough as a Christian that manages to respect authority; I don't want my sister cussing people out, doing drugs, possibly having a mental disorder or demonic possession, and claim to be representing the blessed Savior, Jesus Christ.

So she yelled at me that I had said she wasn't Christian. I told her that that wasn't true, and then she quoted the text to me, which said what I'd meant. She said the same thing again, that I had claimed she wasn't a Christian, and I replied the same way. Then she screamed at me that I'm not God, that I can't judge her, that it's not my place, f*** you, and left.

When I called my mom about it, one of the things she asked me was whether I felt safe. And I realized that if my sister brings some thugs over, even her boyfriend, I might need to be able to do something. I thought baseball bat, then my brother said a gun would be better. We are in Texas, after all. (From Dr. Seuss's "I Had Trouble In Getting To Solla Sollew")

The good thing about all of it is that I currently have an enemy greater than my apathy (in the words of Mumford and Sons), which means that I have accountability. I like that.

My To-Do List For After Graduating

I made this list for after graduating and after I'm done with classes and all that. Complain though I might about having a paying internship, I treasure the ability to finally have these within my grasp.

• Go to a park and people watch.
• Go to a bar and people watch.
• Write. Write poetry, stories, blogs, whatever. Write.
• Read books for fun.
• Read that history book from college that you didn't sell back for this very reason.
• Weekend road trips to new states?
• Learn languages (Spanish, then French, then the world is your oyster)
• Try to cook or bake a thing.
• Visit museums.

Okay, I found a few new ones on another blog.

• Buy a packet of 3 x 5-inch notecards. Carry them around with you. Always. Record cool stuff. Awful stuff. Daily. Review your card pack every Sunday. 
• Buy a $2 notebook. Title it Observations I. Start recording. Now. Anything and everything.
• Get up from your couch. Now. Take a two-hour walk on the beach. In the hills. Whatever. Repeat . . . once every couple of weeks. (Weekly?)

And another blog.

• Take an hour and make a list of everything that's important to you. Add to it everything that you want to do in life. Now cut that list down to 4-5 things. Just the most important things in your life. This is your core list. This is what matters. Focus your life on these things. Make time for them.
• Life isn't all about fun and games. Suffering is an inevitable part of life. We lose our jobs. We lose our lovers. We lose our pets. We get physically injured or sick. A loved one becomes sick. A parent dies. Learn to feel the pain intensely, and really grieve. This is a part of life -- really feel the pain. And when you're done, move on, and find joy.
• Try something new every week. Ask yourself: "What new thing shall I try this week?" Then be sure to do it. You don't have to learn a new language in one week, but seek new experiences. Give it a try. You might decide you want to keep it in your life.

The point is, I can't stand the idea of allowing my life to drift anywhere near to dread for my day-to-day or monotony. I've already made paper eyes for the shredder at work and my coworker and I named him George. The little things can be (and often are) the most important.

I bring this up because I've already found myself desperate enough to escape my current world that I started playing an RPG on my porcuter. It does the trick, but after playing for a any real length of time, I feel like I threw that portion of my life into an empty thing. Leisure time with a lil' discipline can make that into time invested instead of just hours floating away, unfulfilled.

Internship With A Neurologist

I finished the first week of my PAID internship at a neurologist's office. And it has sucked a lot. It's only bad 'cause I'm still getting used to it, and they're pretty harsh on me to try to get me prepared for when I become sort of an assistant to the new PA. I love being around medical stuff, but the majority of this now is just office work with just enough medical stuff to make me feel in over my head. I'm terrible on the phone, but I'm now making calls to patients about their radiology and lab reports. Plus, I have to answer the phone too, and since I know very little about medications, scheduling, and how the office works, I often panic and have to pass on the phone call to someone else.

The biggest perk of the job is getting to work with patients. Patient interaction is what medical schools want, and that is precisely what I get much of the time. I give MOCAs, the Montreal Cognitive Assessment, which is basically a short -term memory test (you can Google it).

It takes me an hour to get to work and an hour to get back. Two hours of my day go towards the journey. I had missed commuting. It took me 45 minutes to get to my high school, so I had learned to utilize the time well. I would begin my day with worship and prayer. So now I'm trying to get into that habit again, but when you have to wake up for work at 5 or 7 AM, it sucks. I already miss the old me that had the chance to stay up late and sleep in.

Anyway, each morning tends to consist a lot of me mentally preparing myself to face everything. As an intern, anything and everything is my job, and I'm always too slow at all of it. Just frustrating for now.

Lots Of Things

I finally started working full-time at The Center For Neurology And Neurophysiology. I also got my MCAT scores in today. I only made a 21. This score isn't all that competitive, but I think it's all I've got. I hated studying for and taking the test, and since I am working full time now, I don't think I can afford to take a class or something else to boost my score. Plus, I don't really think I could boost it much.

I endorsed my age-old strategy of imagining a worse score (16) and letting that be my expected score, which made 21 a slightly pleasant surprise. It's the same score I made on one of my highest practice tests.

My friend who I lived with for my senior year in college, Stewart, just got through his first day of orientation at medical school at UAMS in Arkansas and called me to tell me about it and ask about what I'm doing. Med school sounds so good in so many ways. He informed me that our school did a lot of wearing us down and scaring us, when really, from talking to current medical students, it doesn't seem nearly as hard as our undergrad courses. I mean, our classes this past year consumed all time.

Anyway, this week has been a lot of reminding myself of how much favor God has given me, and how He has kinda just orchestrated everything to fall into place just as it is. I don't get to be in medical school this year. I do, however, get to make money and probably travel to Europe with PAID vacation days. I don't understand that concept, but I endorse it.

Every morning, I begin thinking with dread of the day to come, yet work is wonderful for the most part, and that feeling is banished after I see patients. Each one is a pleasure to talk to, though whiny ones take that patience. There are some times during which I am not busy, or I am confused as to how to do something. Those are the times that I dread.

Also, youngest sister is crazy. I don't even feel like I'm talking to her anymore 'cause she's so dishonest and double-minded. I honestly suspect demonic possession or bipolar disorder or something, or maybe it's just the drugs she's on. Pray for her to STOP or the law will have to.