Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Sunday, December 10, 2017
11 Days
I have ten more study days, eleven days total, until I retake the step 1 exam. Am I confident? Logically, no. But I think that it is time to turn on confidence, along with stress hormones.
Every time I converse with family or friends, I have noticed that I do a lot of talking, and that I speak very quickly. The former has often been the case, and it decreases once I feel that people are caught up on my life or thought process. It comes from feeling like you have a worldview and train of thought that merely sharing a few brief words can hardly manage to convey, so you try to establish context. For me, there is a significant need to recognize when there is need for such context, and perhaps more importantly, when there is not such a need. As for the habit of speaking quickly, I noticed today that it may be due to the lectures I watch every day. I speed these lectures up to 2.2x speed, and I keep this up most days. So when I talk to other people, it confuses me that I can continue talking at these speeds and no one else seems geared toward such a pace. So that is something to keep an eye on.
Anyway, back to studying. Hope I escape this academic purgatory.
Every time I converse with family or friends, I have noticed that I do a lot of talking, and that I speak very quickly. The former has often been the case, and it decreases once I feel that people are caught up on my life or thought process. It comes from feeling like you have a worldview and train of thought that merely sharing a few brief words can hardly manage to convey, so you try to establish context. For me, there is a significant need to recognize when there is need for such context, and perhaps more importantly, when there is not such a need. As for the habit of speaking quickly, I noticed today that it may be due to the lectures I watch every day. I speed these lectures up to 2.2x speed, and I keep this up most days. So when I talk to other people, it confuses me that I can continue talking at these speeds and no one else seems geared toward such a pace. So that is something to keep an eye on.
Anyway, back to studying. Hope I escape this academic purgatory.
Sunday, December 3, 2017
Changing And Signs
Hung out with those friends again. I just... I was so selective of my friend groups in high school. And in college. But after those times, friend groups have mostly been based on where I find myself. On the island, I tried to be friends with everyone, but eventually, the white people were drawn to me enough, and the other colors of humans were not necessarily so, that they became my main group.
We all change after middle school, high school, college, other academics, traveling, moving, and relationships. If you are not changed by such, then that is a problem. In the midst of fluctuations in life's situations, the only thing that has remained constant in all of this is God. A significant portion of that is due to the fact that He set me on this course so early on, and this path will continue to dominate my life so much, that I cannot help but intimately connect Him to it, and myself to Him in the process. Especially since, had He not continued over the years to push me towards this pursuit of medicine, I would otherwise have likely dropped it. I mean, it is simply not my area of gifting.
Every friend group seems a sampling of some aspect of myself. Yet the more I revisit with each, the more I realize that the mission field really is the only place that I make sense. That is the personality for which 5-year-old me made his clever design. Stand out, grab attention, do practical good work, introduce Jesus in the midst of it and then again following, and then, after getting lost in the pleasurable exhaustion of that ultimate fulfillment, ready yourself to do it again in a new place the next day, all the while having an ear open to the Holy Spirit leading you. But God, in His infinite wisdom that shatters the logic of the universe, has seen fit to keep me in this educational purgatory rather than out there. I hope and pray that I am learning whatever I am supposed to be learning through this.
I came across this passage the other day. Spoiler alert: Isaiah seems pretty boring thus far. Lots of prophesying about war and stuff that was super critical to the Israelites for those hundreds of years, but preeeeeetttttyyyyy boring from a few thousands of years later. Still though, this passage hit me. It was not the contents of the prophesy, but rather the delivery.
Isaiah 7:10-14.
We all change after middle school, high school, college, other academics, traveling, moving, and relationships. If you are not changed by such, then that is a problem. In the midst of fluctuations in life's situations, the only thing that has remained constant in all of this is God. A significant portion of that is due to the fact that He set me on this course so early on, and this path will continue to dominate my life so much, that I cannot help but intimately connect Him to it, and myself to Him in the process. Especially since, had He not continued over the years to push me towards this pursuit of medicine, I would otherwise have likely dropped it. I mean, it is simply not my area of gifting.
Every friend group seems a sampling of some aspect of myself. Yet the more I revisit with each, the more I realize that the mission field really is the only place that I make sense. That is the personality for which 5-year-old me made his clever design. Stand out, grab attention, do practical good work, introduce Jesus in the midst of it and then again following, and then, after getting lost in the pleasurable exhaustion of that ultimate fulfillment, ready yourself to do it again in a new place the next day, all the while having an ear open to the Holy Spirit leading you. But God, in His infinite wisdom that shatters the logic of the universe, has seen fit to keep me in this educational purgatory rather than out there. I hope and pray that I am learning whatever I am supposed to be learning through this.
I came across this passage the other day. Spoiler alert: Isaiah seems pretty boring thus far. Lots of prophesying about war and stuff that was super critical to the Israelites for those hundreds of years, but preeeeeetttttyyyyy boring from a few thousands of years later. Still though, this passage hit me. It was not the contents of the prophesy, but rather the delivery.
Isaiah 7:10-14.
"Again the Lord spoke to Ahaz, 'Ask the Lord your God for a sign, whether in the deepest depths or in the highest heights.'
But Ahaz said, 'I will not ask; I will not put the Lord to the test.'
Then Isaiah said, 'Hear now, you house of David! Is it not enough to try the patience of humans? Will you try the patience of my God also? Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.'"
But Ahaz said, 'I will not ask; I will not put the Lord to the test.'
Then Isaiah said, 'Hear now, you house of David! Is it not enough to try the patience of humans? Will you try the patience of my God also? Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.'"
There was stuff preceding it and following it that was probably important, but what got me was Ahaz refusing to obey God when God told him to ask for a sign. Ahaz had enough honor and respect for God that he was not willing to just ask for something. But God is weird in that He actually wants us to ask, because, as this passage tells us, He already had something ready and waiting. In fact, Ahaz's reasonable response was trying God's patience.
Maybe I should be asking Him for a sign sometime.
Saturday, December 2, 2017
Where Are They Now
I hung out with some old friends last night. In the midst of reevaluating myself, I have continued to be hit with the question of whether this version of me at a given time is the real me. A portion of that is the introvert thing, the sudden realization that you are around people whose company seemed pleasant enough, but at that moment much of what is in you just wants to leave right then and write out some expression is going on inside you.
I remember being surprised by these friends over the years. Rather than leave to pursue a conventional university education, most of them went to a school for ministry. It was there that they experienced some disillusionment regarding the ins and outs of ministry, and seemed to come out if it the worse for wear. They picked up smoking (normal enough, I know, but we all know better), casual dating, and an overall loose sense of morality. I am likable enough that my more strict rules on myself never really came up as an issue, but perhaps unfortunately, it contributed to my suppression of the voice of the Holy Spirit. These friends had once spoken of God's close interaction and direction in our lives in a fairly casual way, because it really was regular practice, but those topics seem to have fallen by the wayside over these years. Perhaps it is because I only visit so often, and the visits have decreased, so I only get snapshots. But we all used to be more purposeful, even through our doubts, and I miss that.
I certainly drifted. My time on the island pushed me further than I could wish, as has the past year, but I do not think I veered nearly as far as my peers. And those that have not veered off seem to have missed out on learning valuable lessons in empathy and appreciating alternative views that are necessarily involved in the process of living life outside of a ministry capacity.
The science department at my Christian university heavily emphasized that we do not know things for sure; we instead take the evidence available and form the best possible conclusion for it, all the while wrestling with the effects that this would have on our own personal beliefs. I had professors who, despite believing otherwise, would still argue in favor of the possibility of a flat earth in order to underscore the importance of realizing that our current answer is not categorically the "right" answer.
While backpacking in Europe, I couchsurfed with a university student who was only able to attend the university because it was sponsored by her government. There were times when I was tempted to overstay my time in Europe as an illegal immigrant. I have a friend whose dad's stay on this planet was extended for several more years after a leukemia diagnosis because of Obamacare. Another friend in college would later get his masters in theology and is now a somewhat prominent speaker for young LGBTQ Christians.
One thing that still shocks me most is dating. Even my friends who stuck closely with Jesus over the years had approaches that strike me as being very odd. On the guy's end, how could you date someone without asking for and receiving specific approval from God? Even aside from the fear of divorce, which is admittedly a very real dread within me, you risk so much every time. Your friend groups, and, depending on a variety of factors, your families too are joined based on that relationship. If it is an unpleasant breakup, you and that girlfriend become exes whose friend groups and many life experiences, along with time invested, become severed. I have friends now that I likely would not have retained had I dated them. Overlying all of this, of course, is that as Christians, we gave our lives to Jesus. Why do we only look for red flags, when green lights are what should guide us? Getting coffee or drinks with someone and getting to know them is normal enough, but if you throw a romantic commitment label on that... I mean, if God no longer spoke to us, then sure, whatever, but Jesus gave us a direct line to learn His will straight from the source. Then again, I am such a specific human, and my calling (as I perceive it), is similarly so specific, that I cannot imagine choosing to do life with someone unless I am absolutely positive. Long distance travel, bad weather, loss of sleep, and an ability to function well as we listen to the voice of God are all important. An ability to look past oneself in order to recognize and fulfill need...
Anyway, I do ramble on. It is currently my day off, with a little less than three weeks until I retake the Step 1 exam. Tonight, I get to attend a Christmas party. Tomorrow, I will hopefully be refreshed enough to hit it hard with studying. And maybe, just maybe, I will soon be able to live life in such a way as to stay out of my own head overmuch.
I remember being surprised by these friends over the years. Rather than leave to pursue a conventional university education, most of them went to a school for ministry. It was there that they experienced some disillusionment regarding the ins and outs of ministry, and seemed to come out if it the worse for wear. They picked up smoking (normal enough, I know, but we all know better), casual dating, and an overall loose sense of morality. I am likable enough that my more strict rules on myself never really came up as an issue, but perhaps unfortunately, it contributed to my suppression of the voice of the Holy Spirit. These friends had once spoken of God's close interaction and direction in our lives in a fairly casual way, because it really was regular practice, but those topics seem to have fallen by the wayside over these years. Perhaps it is because I only visit so often, and the visits have decreased, so I only get snapshots. But we all used to be more purposeful, even through our doubts, and I miss that.
I certainly drifted. My time on the island pushed me further than I could wish, as has the past year, but I do not think I veered nearly as far as my peers. And those that have not veered off seem to have missed out on learning valuable lessons in empathy and appreciating alternative views that are necessarily involved in the process of living life outside of a ministry capacity.
The science department at my Christian university heavily emphasized that we do not know things for sure; we instead take the evidence available and form the best possible conclusion for it, all the while wrestling with the effects that this would have on our own personal beliefs. I had professors who, despite believing otherwise, would still argue in favor of the possibility of a flat earth in order to underscore the importance of realizing that our current answer is not categorically the "right" answer.
While backpacking in Europe, I couchsurfed with a university student who was only able to attend the university because it was sponsored by her government. There were times when I was tempted to overstay my time in Europe as an illegal immigrant. I have a friend whose dad's stay on this planet was extended for several more years after a leukemia diagnosis because of Obamacare. Another friend in college would later get his masters in theology and is now a somewhat prominent speaker for young LGBTQ Christians.
One thing that still shocks me most is dating. Even my friends who stuck closely with Jesus over the years had approaches that strike me as being very odd. On the guy's end, how could you date someone without asking for and receiving specific approval from God? Even aside from the fear of divorce, which is admittedly a very real dread within me, you risk so much every time. Your friend groups, and, depending on a variety of factors, your families too are joined based on that relationship. If it is an unpleasant breakup, you and that girlfriend become exes whose friend groups and many life experiences, along with time invested, become severed. I have friends now that I likely would not have retained had I dated them. Overlying all of this, of course, is that as Christians, we gave our lives to Jesus. Why do we only look for red flags, when green lights are what should guide us? Getting coffee or drinks with someone and getting to know them is normal enough, but if you throw a romantic commitment label on that... I mean, if God no longer spoke to us, then sure, whatever, but Jesus gave us a direct line to learn His will straight from the source. Then again, I am such a specific human, and my calling (as I perceive it), is similarly so specific, that I cannot imagine choosing to do life with someone unless I am absolutely positive. Long distance travel, bad weather, loss of sleep, and an ability to function well as we listen to the voice of God are all important. An ability to look past oneself in order to recognize and fulfill need...
Anyway, I do ramble on. It is currently my day off, with a little less than three weeks until I retake the Step 1 exam. Tonight, I get to attend a Christmas party. Tomorrow, I will hopefully be refreshed enough to hit it hard with studying. And maybe, just maybe, I will soon be able to live life in such a way as to stay out of my own head overmuch.
Friday, December 1, 2017
Those Who Hurt Themselves
This week, well, weekdays, has/have flown by. Such is life when you spend so much time studying. There really is something to that exhausted satisfaction of knowing that you cannot, despite caffeine or adderall, make yourself study anymore.
I went for coffee with my old youth pastor (now he is some other variety of pastor) yesterday. I told him about my lil' month-long identity crisis, along with my year of frustration with the church, and he advised me to maybe realize where I am in this transition period and note that there is a simplified version of the gospel to which I probably need to return. And it certainly brought to mind how many times throughout this whole age of Trump that I have repeatedly said that I do not want to care about these issues.
Fortunately, enough time has passed, and I have spent so much mental energy on processing, that I feel much more at peace with the idea of leveling out again. The salvation of Jesus is as simple or as complex as you make it, and my studying the complexities has been far more for the sake of evangelism than it has been for my own spiritual life.
Another idea came up during our time having coffee. One was that I should always order a "kids cup" if I want to survive my latte, and another, perhaps more in-depth concept, was concerning the church and the Trump supporters as we find them now.
When my parents got divorced, I spent the following semester evaluating myself for what poor qualities I had inherited from each of them. I also blamed one or both of them for the proceedings at a given time. After all, divorce is not a clear and easy thing; people have to use money and action to make it happen. Following that semester, I visited home and, perhaps for the first time, viewed my parents as people. Hurt people who had a made a stupid decision that would wreck a family. But they were people nonetheless. These were people who needed the love of Jesus as much as any African orphan. And perhaps that is how we should view Trump supporters now. Like my parents, they made a bad call. And also like my parents, they may still think that they made the right call. But they are hurting as a consequence of their actions.
It has been over a year. Maybe it is about time that I (and others) can set aside the blatantly evil actions and recognize a hurting people who need Jesus. If I can drop a little ego regarding my own carefully crafted perspective, it would be a lot easier than just being upset all the time.
I went for coffee with my old youth pastor (now he is some other variety of pastor) yesterday. I told him about my lil' month-long identity crisis, along with my year of frustration with the church, and he advised me to maybe realize where I am in this transition period and note that there is a simplified version of the gospel to which I probably need to return. And it certainly brought to mind how many times throughout this whole age of Trump that I have repeatedly said that I do not want to care about these issues.
Fortunately, enough time has passed, and I have spent so much mental energy on processing, that I feel much more at peace with the idea of leveling out again. The salvation of Jesus is as simple or as complex as you make it, and my studying the complexities has been far more for the sake of evangelism than it has been for my own spiritual life.
Another idea came up during our time having coffee. One was that I should always order a "kids cup" if I want to survive my latte, and another, perhaps more in-depth concept, was concerning the church and the Trump supporters as we find them now.
When my parents got divorced, I spent the following semester evaluating myself for what poor qualities I had inherited from each of them. I also blamed one or both of them for the proceedings at a given time. After all, divorce is not a clear and easy thing; people have to use money and action to make it happen. Following that semester, I visited home and, perhaps for the first time, viewed my parents as people. Hurt people who had a made a stupid decision that would wreck a family. But they were people nonetheless. These were people who needed the love of Jesus as much as any African orphan. And perhaps that is how we should view Trump supporters now. Like my parents, they made a bad call. And also like my parents, they may still think that they made the right call. But they are hurting as a consequence of their actions.
It has been over a year. Maybe it is about time that I (and others) can set aside the blatantly evil actions and recognize a hurting people who need Jesus. If I can drop a little ego regarding my own carefully crafted perspective, it would be a lot easier than just being upset all the time.
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