I'm kinda the definition of an extravert. People energize me. Granted, I treasure my alone time, but I've realized that there aren't a lot of things I'm driven to do unless someone else will appreciate it. There's a reason why I check my Blogger posts like every day just to check if someone has commented or looked at my posts. Even though I had purposed for this new blog to be just about me, I can't help but be more inspired when I know that someone is reading.
God was the first whose opinion I cared much for, and His is still the biggest. However, I'm also told by many at my school that I should care for the opinion of my advisors. Maybe that's my problem, having contrasting yet important opinions to work with.
In any case, I think the reason I need to do something artsy (a term I've kinda created a vague definition for) is because for the most part, I don't need someone else to regard it too highly. Granted, creative writing, editing videos, and drawing are nice to show off to people. But really, the magic happens when I get lost in it, when I spend hours and hours just working, not noticing the time flying by. That's how reading used to be too. Oh how I used to read!
...And I just watched a LondonSmith.com vlog from my freshman year. Reminiscing can be weird.
Friday, December 30, 2011
RIP Facial Hair
I've come to a decision, and there's a good chance I won't go back on it, at least not unless there's a special exception for it. The facial hair won't come back in anything close to a permanent basis. I'll still honor the months of March and November, but since I've had a chance to stretch out my facial prowess, I now know that I dislike the results. So here's to the dream of a facial-haired me. It was a beautiful dream, and all of us here at LondonSmith.com will continue to mourn such a loss.
Rest In Peace. This remains my favorite photograph of you, dearest facial hair.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Stuck
Being without a car, I was dropped off at Starbucks something like four hours ago. Normally, it'd be just peachy. But I'm starting to feel like people are noticing. And I have one of the cushy chairs, so I can't afford to risk getting up, or I might lose my spot. My life is a precarious artsy world.
Also, I made myself a pinterest and an alternative Twitter account for tweets I can't tweet. I've had dozens of tweets that I haven't allowed a chance to see day-/moonlight, but now it's their time to shine.
Also, I made myself a pinterest and an alternative Twitter account for tweets I can't tweet. I've had dozens of tweets that I haven't allowed a chance to see day-/moonlight, but now it's their time to shine.
The Latest From Snow Patrol
How To Be Confident
I've been realizing something. Confidence doesn't come from being confident, but rather from seeing what needs to be done and acting confident about it. I've thought about that prophecy from the Prayer Vigil, and I think I'm grasping the meaning to some extent; I'm not going to be confident because I know the world over. I'll be confident because I know who I am, where I'm going, and, most importantly, that God is leading me.
It started to hit me while my suite was putting together decorations for the J. Alvin Christmas party. I had half an hour to help make a fake chimney out of construction paper and cardboard boxes, then I had to leave for a meeting. I was sleep-deprived and kinda stressed, having just done a big presentation that afternoon. But I walked into the suite, asked what we needed to do, and got to work on it. Everyone had been standing around, but they immediately got to work once they saw that it looked like I knew what I was doing. See, acting with confidence is just taking initiative, being the first to be willing to do something, and acting as if you know what to do even as you are asking how to do it properly.
It started to hit me while my suite was putting together decorations for the J. Alvin Christmas party. I had half an hour to help make a fake chimney out of construction paper and cardboard boxes, then I had to leave for a meeting. I was sleep-deprived and kinda stressed, having just done a big presentation that afternoon. But I walked into the suite, asked what we needed to do, and got to work on it. Everyone had been standing around, but they immediately got to work once they saw that it looked like I knew what I was doing. See, acting with confidence is just taking initiative, being the first to be willing to do something, and acting as if you know what to do even as you are asking how to do it properly.
Asian F
The episode of Glee I talked about in one of my blogs was put in TV Guide's "2011's Best Episodes" list. Someone here has good taste (implication towards yours truly). Watch "Asian F" 'cause it's a good one.
Through My Eyes
I used to think (and still sometimes do) that someone apart
from my own situation (not God), whether somewhere in my city or beyond, might be able, if only for a moment, to see through my eyes or hear my thoughts. Even now, as I stare at the throne in my room (what, you don't have one?), I become convinced that someone, somewhere is seeing the very same thing through my eyes.
Just a thought I haven't thought of for awhile.
A Brief Reflection
I read through this semester's blogs today. I feel like I don't even need to write reflections; I knew everything I was doing wrong/right for the whole semester. My youth pastor told me (in reply to my frustrations with academics a month or two ago) that everything is clearer in hindsight. I told him that it was already clear to me. God is very talkative with me. Like, young me would've been pretty ticked at current me for how easily I hear God, yet how 'dupid I've been about obeying Him and taking a hint from the obvious commands He's given.
Sure, most of it is clearer in hindsight. But God has gifted me prophetically, and that takes away whatever excuse I might have had for acting 'dupid.
Here's a lesson that any little kid already knows (and not just because they're smart): obey God. God doesn't like giving you the privilege of hearing Him speak for no reason. His Words are powerful, but they don't do much if you don't put them into action.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Junior Fall Semesterly Reflections (Part 1 and probably all)
I'm watching Captain America, and I don't think I've ever felt this patriotic in my life. America is the greatest. No one likes a bully.
I used to be that lil' guy before I hit my growth spurt and grew like a foot at age 15. I didn't believe my dad when he told me I'd grow to be taller, and I had seen 50 lbs on the scale for much too long to believe that that'd change. I also had buck teeth. Even my mom admitted, years later, that I wasn't such a looker back in the day. But, she would add, that never stopped me (and her opinion of my looks has since changed).
I never used to let what other people said affect me. Or, at least, once I saw a negative affect, I began to ignore them. From every one of my siblings telling me I'm not funny to my high school principal, whom I was friends with, telling me that I should not pursue the career of doctor because I simply was not talented in math and science, I never listened to them. I only listened to God.
Fast-forward to this past summer, in that precious month between my mission trip to the Philippines and going back to school. I received in the mail an assessment of my abilities, of my strengths and weaknesses, from the pre-professional committee at John Brown University. There was nothing positive or affirmative regarding the pursuit of my major. Nothing. Throughout the page-long formally-written assessment, I read words like "...if you continue to study science...", "...maybe speaking with one of the professors in the Bible department concerning prophecy..." and other phrases strongly urging me to consider a performing arts major, or something in the humanities, because I made excellent grades in all of these.
So I strongly considered changing my major or at least my career choice. Maybe a physician's assistant or something would be wise. But when I asked God, my mom (who had been advising an easier path for years), my dad, or whoever else I looked to for direction, I received some of the most affirmation I'd had in a long time. So I came back to school agreeing with my professors' assessment, but obeying God.
And I was beaten up by school all semester. In fact, my advisor, who also teaches my research class, openly ridiculed me. I'm sure he didn't mean to be quite so rude, but when I asked "Would it help me get into medical school if I-" and he interrupted, "-made good grades? Yeah." I played extremely sarcastic and light about it as one of the other students scolded him for a moment.
This semester, I listened to them. I was not involved in many activities as I once was, like Mock Rock, video blogs, or anything really showy. For the first time, people knew that I was a biology major. I hung out with some friends from my major. My other friends weren't the healthiest, though they appeared so at first. And "Show me your friends and I'll show you your future" turned out to be accurate, as I began to appear somewhat healthy but was slowly degrading, till I became more resentful of my life, what I was doing, and my inability to trust God. I became less open when asked "How are you?" because the answer continued to be one that I did not want to burden people with in conversation. I drank alcohol at school, which was not a problem before, but I began to think thoughts similar to that of the first steps of what an alcoholic thinks, "I'll drink away my troubles." I wanted to make it an escape. Fortunately, it takes a lot to affect me and I also do not drink to excess anyway. So I never get close to "drinking my troubles away," but I was still thinking it in my head, which is a no-no.
Then I came home for Thanksgiving and my youth pastor told me that I was being openly rebellious by drinking at school. And for the first time, I felt convicted about it. Yet I drank at school that very weekend, and, consequently, became sick for the following week (pre-pre finals week). Then I drank again at the end of pre-finals week, and was driving friends to do so again that same weekend, and my car broke down, which is costing me $3,000 (the other half of the cost being provided by my dad). Had I not been driving through hilly terrain a mile from Tontitown in below-freezing weather when my car overheated, I may have been able to help my car out. But no, I simply had to disobey God and go out drinking.
I began a Juice Journal, a journal of drinking with rules and notes and funny things, on the day I turned 21 because I wanted to be smart about drinking. I listed the reasons I had for drinking. It wasn't bad until I rebelled against God and made it bad. Consequently, no more drinking at school.
I ended the semester in disobedience, with grades lower than they could have been and with my dreams haunted by failures. I've been 'dupid with God a lot, but I don't think I've ever been this bad for this long.
In any case, I'm here now and I'm looking forward. I've got an iPhone that can do anything and a love for superheroes that I am nursing back to health. I still need to see Aladdin again (they finally wised up and took it off of YouTube) along with other Disney classics, but there's hope for that. I wrote four poems last night and am just hoping to go to Starbucks and write loads more for hours on end. I want to edit videos again; the only problem is that I'm lacking in footage to work with. I want to dance.
But really, I shouldn't be talking to my blog so much. God and I need to have a conversation. It's been a long time since I wasn't angry at Him while we spoke.
I used to be that lil' guy before I hit my growth spurt and grew like a foot at age 15. I didn't believe my dad when he told me I'd grow to be taller, and I had seen 50 lbs on the scale for much too long to believe that that'd change. I also had buck teeth. Even my mom admitted, years later, that I wasn't such a looker back in the day. But, she would add, that never stopped me (and her opinion of my looks has since changed).
I never used to let what other people said affect me. Or, at least, once I saw a negative affect, I began to ignore them. From every one of my siblings telling me I'm not funny to my high school principal, whom I was friends with, telling me that I should not pursue the career of doctor because I simply was not talented in math and science, I never listened to them. I only listened to God.
Fast-forward to this past summer, in that precious month between my mission trip to the Philippines and going back to school. I received in the mail an assessment of my abilities, of my strengths and weaknesses, from the pre-professional committee at John Brown University. There was nothing positive or affirmative regarding the pursuit of my major. Nothing. Throughout the page-long formally-written assessment, I read words like "...if you continue to study science...", "...maybe speaking with one of the professors in the Bible department concerning prophecy..." and other phrases strongly urging me to consider a performing arts major, or something in the humanities, because I made excellent grades in all of these.
So I strongly considered changing my major or at least my career choice. Maybe a physician's assistant or something would be wise. But when I asked God, my mom (who had been advising an easier path for years), my dad, or whoever else I looked to for direction, I received some of the most affirmation I'd had in a long time. So I came back to school agreeing with my professors' assessment, but obeying God.
And I was beaten up by school all semester. In fact, my advisor, who also teaches my research class, openly ridiculed me. I'm sure he didn't mean to be quite so rude, but when I asked "Would it help me get into medical school if I-" and he interrupted, "-made good grades? Yeah." I played extremely sarcastic and light about it as one of the other students scolded him for a moment.
This semester, I listened to them. I was not involved in many activities as I once was, like Mock Rock, video blogs, or anything really showy. For the first time, people knew that I was a biology major. I hung out with some friends from my major. My other friends weren't the healthiest, though they appeared so at first. And "Show me your friends and I'll show you your future" turned out to be accurate, as I began to appear somewhat healthy but was slowly degrading, till I became more resentful of my life, what I was doing, and my inability to trust God. I became less open when asked "How are you?" because the answer continued to be one that I did not want to burden people with in conversation. I drank alcohol at school, which was not a problem before, but I began to think thoughts similar to that of the first steps of what an alcoholic thinks, "I'll drink away my troubles." I wanted to make it an escape. Fortunately, it takes a lot to affect me and I also do not drink to excess anyway. So I never get close to "drinking my troubles away," but I was still thinking it in my head, which is a no-no.
Then I came home for Thanksgiving and my youth pastor told me that I was being openly rebellious by drinking at school. And for the first time, I felt convicted about it. Yet I drank at school that very weekend, and, consequently, became sick for the following week (pre-pre finals week). Then I drank again at the end of pre-finals week, and was driving friends to do so again that same weekend, and my car broke down, which is costing me $3,000 (the other half of the cost being provided by my dad). Had I not been driving through hilly terrain a mile from Tontitown in below-freezing weather when my car overheated, I may have been able to help my car out. But no, I simply had to disobey God and go out drinking.
I began a Juice Journal, a journal of drinking with rules and notes and funny things, on the day I turned 21 because I wanted to be smart about drinking. I listed the reasons I had for drinking. It wasn't bad until I rebelled against God and made it bad. Consequently, no more drinking at school.
I ended the semester in disobedience, with grades lower than they could have been and with my dreams haunted by failures. I've been 'dupid with God a lot, but I don't think I've ever been this bad for this long.
In any case, I'm here now and I'm looking forward. I've got an iPhone that can do anything and a love for superheroes that I am nursing back to health. I still need to see Aladdin again (they finally wised up and took it off of YouTube) along with other Disney classics, but there's hope for that. I wrote four poems last night and am just hoping to go to Starbucks and write loads more for hours on end. I want to edit videos again; the only problem is that I'm lacking in footage to work with. I want to dance.
But really, I shouldn't be talking to my blog so much. God and I need to have a conversation. It's been a long time since I wasn't angry at Him while we spoke.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Notes For The Talent Show
I looked at my notes for what I wanted to do if I hosted the talent show this spring, and though I'm not one to brag (HAHA), these notes are brilliant, and they're really making me look forward to making it be a great talent show. If you read this, know that copying these notes without my express written permission will result in one or more lawsuits, and I'll be soops pissed.
Some Notes:
-Golden ticket gives you the chance to be the heckler for the night. Standing up and yelling "Yeah, I got your stupid ticket..."
-Use laughtracks for live performance
Some Notes:
-Golden ticket gives you the chance to be the heckler for the night. Standing up and yelling "Yeah, I got your stupid ticket..."
-Use laughtracks for live performance
-Backstage at the talent show. Tensions are high (reality tv style)
-Towards the beginning, say "Play one of the stalling-for-time videos. It doesn't matter which one." And have the video open with the hosts covered in mud and junk as if they'd just gone through a huge adventure, "Wow, what a great show, and a fantastic finale! We've been through a lot here, and I'm sad to say that we've finally reached the end of the show"
And that's just a sample.
Chrimbus!
Christmas always gets me. Christmas Eve, yesterday, I woke up to a phone call from my dad telling me that I would have to pay for the iPhone I was receiving for Christmas. I had no idea that I was getting such a nice present, or that I was getting anything for that matter. But all of a sudden, I was excited for Christmas. (It was also a really good deal for that iPhone, and it was money from an account I'm not normally allowed to access, not my normal account.)
See, my biggest love language tends to be gifts. I love giving and receiving them. Another love language of mine is quality time, but I feel that a gift conveys the most. Someone took the time to think of me, to find something I'd like (or at least to try).
That being said, Christmas Eve (which was our family's Christmas this year) was full of fun at my mom's house. My youngest sister and her boyfriend broke up, so he wasn't there crapping it up. She sat in dog poop and it was hilarious. Also, a dog vomited, and I still can't get the image out of my mind, so I've had a difficult time avoiding gagging when I think about it.
Christmas Day (today) had our younger cousins and grandparents over to my dad's house. Our grandparents gave us Bible research to do by Thursday, which is typical of them, and the youngest cousin (6 1/2 years old) made it her mission to learn to play my dad's old trumpet throughout the night.
See, my biggest love language tends to be gifts. I love giving and receiving them. Another love language of mine is quality time, but I feel that a gift conveys the most. Someone took the time to think of me, to find something I'd like (or at least to try).
That being said, Christmas Eve (which was our family's Christmas this year) was full of fun at my mom's house. My youngest sister and her boyfriend broke up, so he wasn't there crapping it up. She sat in dog poop and it was hilarious. Also, a dog vomited, and I still can't get the image out of my mind, so I've had a difficult time avoiding gagging when I think about it.
Christmas Day (today) had our younger cousins and grandparents over to my dad's house. Our grandparents gave us Bible research to do by Thursday, which is typical of them, and the youngest cousin (6 1/2 years old) made it her mission to learn to play my dad's old trumpet throughout the night.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Bad Dreams
I haven't had nightmares, except maybe when I was very young. I learned to change the dream or thought process, or just wake up. But some dreams are worse than nightmares.
I've had some recurring dreams. They vary some, but they always bring to mind related ones. I dream that I have a relatively free schedule with some sorta independent classes, but in those dreams, I end up forgetting that I even have those classes, and I fail as a result. I also had a dream last night where my statistics professor had us use my grade as an example for some equation, and I struggled, as I do in reality, to take ownership of my grades without being ashamed.
My mom said that she had similar dreams when she was thinking about going to graduate school, but her aunt told her it was normal.
I just hate it that school doesn't stop stressing me out when I leave. I'm still haunted in the place that used to be my sanctuary: my dreams.
I hate it, and it makes me fear for the 5 1/2 years of schooling left, not to mention the years of residency that follow.
I've had some recurring dreams. They vary some, but they always bring to mind related ones. I dream that I have a relatively free schedule with some sorta independent classes, but in those dreams, I end up forgetting that I even have those classes, and I fail as a result. I also had a dream last night where my statistics professor had us use my grade as an example for some equation, and I struggled, as I do in reality, to take ownership of my grades without being ashamed.
My mom said that she had similar dreams when she was thinking about going to graduate school, but her aunt told her it was normal.
I just hate it that school doesn't stop stressing me out when I leave. I'm still haunted in the place that used to be my sanctuary: my dreams.
I hate it, and it makes me fear for the 5 1/2 years of schooling left, not to mention the years of residency that follow.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Social Network Relationships
Do you ever think it's weird that you can be online friends with a person, but not real-life friends with them? I have a few friends who are that way. I've even tried bridging the gap a lil', but often to no avail. I have friends who were once exclusively online friends, who I Facebook messaged with, and we got along great. But in real life when we try to hang out, they pretty much can't stand me, and can't seem to understand why we were friends in the first place, excluding the obvious reason of overlapping friend groups.
And there's another friend who has never said more than a greeting to me in real life. This friend reblogs my stuff, "Likes" loads of my social networking things, and yet five minutes around her while we waited for a mutual friend were some of the most awkward (for everyone else) times.
Then there are those social networking friends who I grew close to through chatting on Facebook, then we hung out in real life and got along great.
Some people claim that social networks take a lot away from face-to-face friendships. I think that people are the ones who take away from those, and social network is just another excuse.
And there's another friend who has never said more than a greeting to me in real life. This friend reblogs my stuff, "Likes" loads of my social networking things, and yet five minutes around her while we waited for a mutual friend were some of the most awkward (for everyone else) times.
Then there are those social networking friends who I grew close to through chatting on Facebook, then we hung out in real life and got along great.
Some people claim that social networks take a lot away from face-to-face friendships. I think that people are the ones who take away from those, and social network is just another excuse.
Lifening
I end up disappointed with myself pretty often these days. It's not because I'm sucking at life or anything. In fact, I'm pretty good at life. But I know I've been better. So that's why I find myself thinking as I read my Bible, "Have I gone back to slurping on the milk 'cause I can't handle the chunky stuff? I wanna eat real spiritual food, but I'm not sure I know how to get back to doing that."
I took forever to get out of transition and finally just be here, but since that happened this semester, I've found that I don't know what to do with myself. I said "no" to everything in an effort to do better at school, so I ended up with a lot of nothing to do and only school to fill the gap (which ain't how I roll).
So now I've begun to feel a lil' of what Gary Lightbody (Snow Patrol's lead singer) talked about in his last interview about a song called "Lifening". He became inspired once he realized that he was finally around the stuff that mattered. Not drugs, drinking, or the excitement of the dream life he had been able to live; rather, he was joking around with friends and family, the stuff of life that make it all worth living for.
I wanna find wholesome people. The people who are happy with where life has them, and are looking forward to the future, one step at a time, who are doing things right in the place they're at. I used to be that.
Hopefully after this semester ends, I'll be able to write some reflections and understand whatever things I've been doing wrong. A general disconnect with God is most definitely the biggest problem, but even that can't be the only thing.
I took forever to get out of transition and finally just be here, but since that happened this semester, I've found that I don't know what to do with myself. I said "no" to everything in an effort to do better at school, so I ended up with a lot of nothing to do and only school to fill the gap (which ain't how I roll).
So now I've begun to feel a lil' of what Gary Lightbody (Snow Patrol's lead singer) talked about in his last interview about a song called "Lifening". He became inspired once he realized that he was finally around the stuff that mattered. Not drugs, drinking, or the excitement of the dream life he had been able to live; rather, he was joking around with friends and family, the stuff of life that make it all worth living for.
I wanna find wholesome people. The people who are happy with where life has them, and are looking forward to the future, one step at a time, who are doing things right in the place they're at. I used to be that.
Hopefully after this semester ends, I'll be able to write some reflections and understand whatever things I've been doing wrong. A general disconnect with God is most definitely the biggest problem, but even that can't be the only thing.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Diggin' In
As I worked all yesterday evening and into this morning on my presentation for Organic Chemistry, I started to realize something: I love writing and research. I love going in knowing next to nothing about a subject, then slowly digging in and losing myself in it. Granted, I can't tell you everything about terpenes and cholesterol and acids and hormones, nor how to synthetically produce one or the other of them using a combination of the others in the lab. However, I can tell you that I learned more and cared more last night about Organic Chemistry than I have for most of the semester.
Oh, and I owned at the presentation part. Dressing professionally and bringing cupcakes always sweetens the deal and can help keep people from asking hard questions at the end.
It makes me think that research as a grad student before medical school wouldn't be so bad. Maybe.
Oh, and I owned at the presentation part. Dressing professionally and bringing cupcakes always sweetens the deal and can help keep people from asking hard questions at the end.
It makes me think that research as a grad student before medical school wouldn't be so bad. Maybe.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
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