First Day of Fourth Year

I started my last year of medical school today. My first elective rotation is nephrology, which I chose because I feel that I am weak in the subject (confirmed by my poor responses to the doctor's fairly basic questions today). He asked if I knew how to take history, to which I replied in the affirmative, and he handed me a patient chart with labs and off I went. Bear in mind that I have not taken a full patient history in months, and I have not formally presented a patient history in even longer, so I was rusty. But after a couple patients, I remembered my mnemonics and, also importantly, recalled how much I enjoy seeing patients. I have 5-10 minutes to take a history and establish rapport, and something about that just feels good. In fact, it is borderline frustrating to me that it feels so good.

I have been so depressed of late because I derive happiness from human interaction, but I am also exhausted by the same, so my life is either happily exhausted or depressingly well-rested.

I also have anecdotes from the day that I always want to share with someone, but it would be a chore to try to make it into a video or write it out. Yet another reason to find that significant other that I only maybe think I could possibly ever find.

Selfless Defined

I met a guy in my usual coffee shop today. He saw my medical textbook and struck up conversation. I told him about school and he told me about oil and gas, and we discussed the contrasts. He describes himself and his job as being essentially selfish things, basically viewing everything in terms of revenue. I conveyed to him where medicine is similar, but that I have mostly found that it differs greatly, and furthermore, I am in pursuit of what I view as the most selfless pursuit possible through medical missionary work.

He was intrigued by this, and pressed me for what exactly I meant when I claimed that it was the most selfless thing. I explained it multiple times in various ways, but he kept asking, so I simplified it to terms that seem far too basic to my mind. I told him that we go to a foreign place full of strangers and we provide services that will potentially change their lives and we do so without any expectation or desire for compensation. Though I also readily admitted that the travel and exposure was its own reward, and that a day off to enjoy a given area was generally understood to be a part of every mission trip of which I have had the pleasure to partake.

Then I did the math. I will have spent at least nine years in medical training, essentially giving up any chance of forming meaningful romantic relationships along with the youthful years during which those relationships would classically be enjoyed, all for the sake of giving away the fruits of that labor at the end of it.

Just gotta fight the depression, anxiety, loneliness, and constant desire to not feel. Feeling is the worst and I used to be better at avoiding it, but this is the price you pay for allowing yourself to briefly feel happy.

Occupying Evening Thoughts

Well, the problem with resigning oneself to a hopeless state with regard to eventually finding a long-term romantic partner is that the mind tends to reach to the past for experiences rather than looking to the future. The last few nights have been haunted by unwanted thoughts of these experiences and of trying to imagine a future recreation of the same sort, which is inappropriate, so I have been greatly frustrated.

It is easier to spend those last thoughts at night on dreaming of a future trip that I am planning, but I unfortunately have no such plans in the near future. I read up on that Southeast Asia trip for next year and have already grown somewhat tired of researching that. I plan to take three major exams and receive my doctorate before that trip happens, so it is hardly on the horizon. And the nature of that trip will inherently be sporadic, so there is hardly any dependence on one's research beforehand.

So I need to either plan a trip for earlier (and delve into my SE Asia money) or lie to myself about a crush again, pretending that something could possibly be realistic. Or maybe take up reading fiction again, as that can become a pleasantly occupying thought at night.

Life continues to pass by and I try to scoop up meager little bits with a bare hand.

Post Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day came and departed. I am facing the unfortunate consequences of having allowed myself to become enamored with someone in the past, namely the sadness that comes with both desiring them again and also knowing that such a thing would not happen nor be beneficial for either party.

I am always rewatching the Marvel movies, and though I am always inspired by Captain America, the Hulk has lately been far too relatable. He is this scientist who cannot form very intimate relationships for fear of bringing harm to those he cares about. In the movie Age of Ultron especially, this comes into play, as Dr. Banner becomes aware of Natalia's (Black Widow's) romantic interest in him. There is back and forth throughout, with each trying to convince the other that they are monsters who cannot be together, but also debating whether or when they could simply run away from this life. After the big battle, Dr. Banner, in his Hulk form, flies away in a ship and turns off communications as Natalia appeals for him to return.

I am always overly dramatic about these things, but I often find myself repeating to myself that I am a superhero and cannot have what others have. If I want to save the world, and I do, then I cannot afford to love or care to the degree or in the manner that others do.

I told some close friends from high school recently about a recent match I had on a dating app with a cute hospital social worker. I had intentionally screwed up the conversation to make her unmatch me because any relationship at this point would be casual dating. One friend insisted that I should stop kissing dating goodbye and just casually date for awhile, but I just cannot imagine putting someone else and myself through that. It just sounds so selfish to me. I can be stupid on my own, but dating someone else when I know that it is not going to last sounds like a partnership in stupidity. Part of being a superhero is defying the odds in terms of one's effect upon the world, and I intend to have an almost entirely positive effect on everyone I know and those beyond. I do not see how you can do that if you put someone through emotional distress for the sake of some short-term happiness.

So the soonest I could possibly realistically start dating would be when I begin residency in a little over a year, but who am I even kidding? I am rarely physically attracted to anyone enough, and personality and interests and intelligence have to match up enough as well. I am, after all, looking for a partner in saving the world through missionary work in addition to living normal life. Each of the two girls I liked in the last couple years have fallen to either side of that, either the very best company for normal life or the perfect match for missionary work.

I unfortunately no longer believe that I will find a match. Odds are certainly in favor of her existence, but not in favor of an encounter, and certainly not in favor of an encounter that leads to anything substantial.