Well, I turned 30. On the eve of that day, I began receiving birthday texts from some family members who had been causing me distress, and because of how awful and overwhelming life felt, I made quick plans to go meet one of my closest friends for some overnight camping in Oklahoma over that weekend. We sampled some $100 scotch and discussed social issues and theology over the campfire. It was a lovely time.
The following Monday, I had my best study day in months. I also sent an email to the school over the months-long issues I had been having and they finally replied with what sounds like a real solution. Then this weekend, I went to the lakehouse with my podcast friends and my sister. I had a little upset moment which everyone fortunately knew was due to all of this outside stress, but everyone was very apologetic about it, including myself. I also brought this kitten with me and it has been a hit.
But I am 30. Others see so much success, but what I see is failure on top of failure on top of failure. All of my plans fell through. Dreams crushed or postponed. I told a girl that I like her and based on subsequent texts, I do not think that the feeling is mutual. Fortunately though, we are still friends, which was the part about which I was most concerned.
Even as I am away from the norm at this lakehouse, just trying to relieve any of this stress through introspective study and the corresponding written expression of what I find therein, I just find myself wanting to find escape even from this. I thought this weekend would be a relief, but I still feel busy and exhausted. Though part of that is almost certainly because we were out in the sun today and then we recorded the podcast, and both types of activities can be very exhausting.
I keep on alternating between recounting how awful life is and then remembering how some things are turning around. Something that is tough but wise to bear in mind is that none of this is mine. The clothes on my back, the shoes on my feet, but also the breath in my lungs, the extra days I spend studying, the difficult conversations with family and friends, all of these are borrowed and I am just along for the ride as I try to live this life in obedience to Christ. Still though, I need to find a way to really get away. After all, I am meant to write out the major events and feelings which I have undergone in the last decade.
