Waiting In The Unknown

Life seems full of questions right now. I have been unable to complete any coursework for school because the website has been malfunctioning and those in charge have only said to be patient with regard to anything else. I have requested to take my exams, but I was apparently supposed to do so at least a week ago, so I do not know if that will turn out. On the bright side, I had my mid-rotation assessment with the pediatric doctor with whom I have been working, and she told me that I am doing excellent and to keep it up.

And there is this girl. Some of my fears were alleviated with the contents and interpretation of the vision mentioned in the previous post, but that friend was also excited for me, so we must all proceed with caution. After all, one step forward here is a step toward marriage and a partner in changing the world, so taking that step without surety would be quite foolish.

We FaceTimed briefly tonight. I told her that it is hard to be unbiased in my prayers over this, but I feel at peace as far as I can tell. I had also mentioned it to my dad on the phone earlier today, which of course made it a little more serious. I asked her how she felt in terms of which way God is pointing, and she said that she did not want to say. So that allowed a (probably healthy amount of) doubt to enter my mind.

Perhaps she is having second thoughts at the idea of us trying to keep up a relationship from 221 miles apart, which I understand. It has just been strange to not feel so very lonely, to have a recipient for these feelings beyond my notes or blogs. I am used to being an echo chamber.

I want it to work out with her, but I want to obey God's will even more. So I will await the response of my pastors and, you know, the Lord God Almighty Creator of Heaven and Earth.

A Vision

Amidst the doubts mentioned in the previous post, I happened to have a conversation with Cassie, a friend who remains (relatively) close since our middle school days. In fact, she was one of three ladies that I have ever asked God about dating, the reply to which was closest thing to an audible voice I have ever heard from God (a very distinct "NO"). I mentioned this girl to Cassie, and the interrogation began. Do I think about her, miss her, etc. and yes, all the time constantly. I mentioned my doubts about how she seemed to be starting out in her faith, not knowing the references to Sodom and Gomorrah (it was a funny YouTube clip), but she told me that her husband did not grow up like we did either, that he would not understand the reference.

I explained that I have not even asked the girl out because I like her so much that I am afraid that God will say "no" if I ask Him about her. And as I was debating this last week, another friend announced their divorce (or separation maybe, whatever), which did nothing to assuage my fears. And this girl and I have only known that we mutually like each other for almost six weeks, so I did not want such a decision to be fueled solely by emotions. But then Cassie stopped me 'cause she had a vision. It was of a water wheel. "The water is actually falling straight down in the picture I kept seeing. The water is falling onto the wheel from both sides and yet the wheel only goes in one direction (forward) and I didn't understand for awhile because that doesn't make sense and also sometimes I have to look a little bit closer. I believe the water may be the emotion and yet the wheel isn't propelled by that. It is still steadily moving forward. I also don't see the motion as a bad thing. The water is clear and crisp. Do not be afraid of it. It looks like a blessing. A gift."

"Ah, so the propellant is from heaven rather than emotion? That's the vision interpretation?"
"That's what I'm feeling. Yes!"

So perhaps it is time that I started asking God, along with the few I know and trust to hit me with the truth, about this girl.

The Tough Questions

I am nearing the end of my third week of pediatric rotations. I keep getting very low scores in practice tests either because the information is very new, or because I am sucking at what I should already know. The questions are difficult and I am not fast enough. The doctor will be reviewing my mid-rotation performance in the next couple days, and I hope that I am doing well enough in her eyes. She controls 40% of my grade and I am beginning to doubt myself, but we will see.

The girl I like and still seems to mutually like me back keeps occupying my mind. I mailed her a poem today. I do not want to mess with her emotionally, but then again, I currently feel more feelings than I know what to do with (and that seems like the appropriate time to write a poem).

She texted me today with questions about faith, the kind that all of us should struggle with at some point(s). There are lots of religions, and everyone thinks that they are right, so what makes Christianity the real one? Being a good person seems like a nice enough thing, so why not leave it at that? My explanations, like all spiritual ones, were primarily subjective, as I freely admitted. She did say that she is still a Christian, and wondered whether these questions were okay to be asking. I of course encouraged her to keep asking, since God does not want us to just be dumb ignorant followers.

I had put that letter in the mail mere hours before, and at that moment, the primary reservations I have had about her seemed to crowd the forefront of my mind. Questioning is healthy, but what if she falls away from the faith? Her foundation is not like mine, thoroughly entrenched and with a widely professed path toward missions work. She has lived like a person and then found the faith on her own. I hope that she meets Jesus in a deeper way through this, rather than being left as a great many friends have, wandering with a sort of contentment in spiritual insecurity.

Maybe I should not have sent the letter. The thing is, I do not even have to try to like her. She is incredibly likable on a number of levels. I can easily see her doing missions work. But the reason for the mission work, the mission itself, Jesus Christ, has to be at the forefront of said mission. Without that, without the spiritual fulfillment that comes with the work of Jesus in one's life, all we are giving is a temporary physical fix. I am in medical school for the temporary fix so that the doors may be open to provide a spiritual one.

Having her fill my thoughts has made me feel considerably less lonely, which has been a welcome gift that came without request. I now understand why people date without asking God, how they can marry without being absolutely sure, and I have a taste of what it is like to not want to die early. Best case scenario, she tackles the tough questions and comes out of it loving Jesus, God says that we should get married, and life gets...happy?

But my bets are on struggle, loneliness, and barely dealing with the difficulties of life.

P.S. The girl I was liking in the fall, who helped to trigger my lil' identity crisis, has a boyfriend now. Jaw so square it must have been chiseled. She is great, but I am glad that I did not go for her.

After One Week of Pediatric Rotations

Just as was predicted by every blog about pediatric clinical rotations, I have become ill. It is only a sore throat, and mild enough that it can almost be mistaken for allergies unless I go too long without a cup of tea, yet it remains.

Though I would like to blame it all on pediatric rotations, I did have guests on Thursday. The lady I was liking before I moved is visiting Honduras with her mother (who hails from that nation), and to do so, they flew out of Houston. I urged them to avoid paying for a hotel by staying with me due to the frankly excessive amount of space I have in my apartment. The lady was ill enough that she had been sent home from work the night before, but we still cuddled in my blanket fort of a room for the hours of the night that remained before they had to leave for the airport.

So I either became ill from the many children I saw in the clinic this week or from the one close encounter with someone dear to me. In either case, it has so far only been a very mild sore throat, mild enough that I was unsure whether it was merely from allergies.

The coursework for the rotations seems pretty easy, aside from the exam at the end. Everything else is just taking a good history and giving a good physical exam, followed by submitting some fairly thorough patient notes.

There are certain procedures that my school says I should be able to do before the end of this rotation, but I do not see how it can happen in an outpatient setting. So we will just have to see.

Beginning First Clinical Rotations (Peds)

I should have been writing more, but a certain lady was occupying the parts of my mind and spare time that were not stressing out about preparing for these clinical rotations.

Maybe I'll be smart enough to catch up this weekend, but if not... since my last post, I moved to Houston where I am now staying in the nicest apartments I have ever had the pleasure to occupy. I have constructed a blanket fort in the bedroom and created a little work space in the corner (the desk was already built into the apartment).

I have completed the second day of my first core rotation in pediatrics. What inspired me to actually begin to write was the most shocking thing to me about my rotation thus far (aside from how kind and pleasant my supervising doctor is): children get diagnosed with serious things when they are really young. Our encounters are brief, and I have only seen so many, and all were already established patients, but it seems as if the most fun children, the ones that I liked most at a glance, have been diagnosed with ADHD. One patient today was especially amazing, as he and his sister, who had too much energy for their mom, were doing cartwheels in the waiting room and making fake phone calls with me through the window. They were smart and funny for their ages, at least without the medication. Another one was quiet throughout the visit, but apparently just cannot handle his emotions when something bad happens; despite the mood swings, he was making 100's in class and his teachers used him as an example. The pediatrician would end up adding conduct disorder (which seemed an extreme diagnosis to me) for lack of a better understanding of what exactly was going on.

My mom never used those medications and did not take us in for testing either, and I think I am the better for it, even though my attention span has never been what I could wish. I just wonder, if the parents of these children could spare the time and energy, whether this medication would even be necessary.