All the Lives

Last weekend, I had the chance to Skype with Tara for a couple hours. She's getting her masters in accounting and also working full time, so her schedule is somewhere near as packed as mine. We talked of many things, but one important theme that we both hold to is our desire to do and be more than what we already are.

Then I noticed that with Andrew Garfield out, maybe there was the tiniest chance for me to be the new Spiderman. I know that it's foolish to think of, because casting would begin with well-known actors and would be within the next few months, since Spiderman's first appearance is supposed to be in the Captain America movie that's due to come out next summer. But it got me thinking about my past life as a child actor, and all my aspirations within that. My desire to be famous and to help people through that influence...

Thinking about this had me willing to drop med school and all that I've worked on for so long, all to star in a series of big superhero movies. And what does that say about my belief in the dreams that God has given me? I gave up the acting thing long ago, treating it as more of a hobby. But acting was one of those jobs that I absolutely adored, like being a mascot. I don't think that I'll absolutely adore being a doctor. It will be good and challenging, but unlike some of those past dream jobs, I don't think I'll be very happy at the end of the day. Exhausted, and feeling like I improved people and the world, but probably not that happy.

I don't know where that leaves me. I love learning so much, but is this the life I signed up for? Always wishing to be living a different one? Or to be dead? Becoming better as a person seems to correlate with being sadder and lonelier, and I don't think I want to be working towards that. I just don't know.