Why Am I Doing It?

Why am I doing it?

My dad emailed me yesterday to tell me that he watched the video of my trip to Uganda three years ago and it made him cry. When I went on that trip, it wasn't like my past trips out of the country. It wasn't pleasant. I didn't feel like I made a difference. It was my first experience in which people in leadership did not handle the leadership properly; this was not my first conclusion, but rather one that I arrived at after being blamed for an error and then seeking The Lord regarding that error. In the hospitals, I knew nothing. I felt helpless. Bedside manners, kindness, these were my only tools. My white lab coat conveyed a false hope regarding my training.

But it was the best mission trip in what it did to me. Day after day I was forced to see the need and be unable to do anything to remedy it.

Fast forward to last semester. I'm in medical school. I messed up but am determined to take back lost ground. And then, no matter how much I study, I am unable to make a passing grade in the class that I've already had multiple times before in lower education. Every bit of the why and what of me being in school was pummeled out of me as I beat myself up for being unable to do better. Everything seemed against me and I learned that in this big kid world, people will be unjust. And if accountability is not a part of the system in place, injustice will prevail overall unless someone happens along with the desire to right the wrong.

So now I'm staring at this cardio exam next week. I knew this material in and out last semester and made a 58 (with a huge curve). Last semester, my objective was to know the material so well that there was no way I would fail. I was also in a point of real desperation, and trusting to my unsaved friend's advice of just working harder and doing better, and trusting in that. Well, I'm simply not good enough to do well on this exam. I'm not. But I am smart enough to know that trusting in God rather than myself is my best bet. It's already committed to Him. If I fail, it's still all His. And if I pass, that will be fortunate, but it's certainly not the point.

I'm here because God saw fit to give me a big calling and the privilege of opportunity to pursue it. It's my job to work hard as unto Him. And then let it be His.

P.S. I've been watching the show Suits a lot, and it's grabbing at my emotional sectors. Unlike Game of Thrones, it is recognized as evil when these characters are evil, and the good is present too. Kinda seems human.