The power went out during every break between classes this past week. It was so draining to have to sit at school for hours rather than just take a nap in my room. Consequently, I'm already behind in studying.
I watch sermons from Pastor Judah Smith every week. His latest series has been on the downside of being a Christian, what it really means to follow Jesus. Stuff like giving up racism and prejudice (as with the contrast of Jesus' behavior verses that of his disciples when it came to the Samaritan woman at the well) and today's, which was about how home becomes redefined when you follow Christ. And that, of course, hits home with me. Me following Christ has meant that I live on an island with those whose beliefs disagree with my own by a large margin, and I spend most of my time wishing to be back in America. I don't really feel at home anywhere, but I feel snatches of it when I'm in Texas, in Arkansas, and in my own little room here.
Every time I've been asked why I believe what I believe, it's always difficult. I always feel like I answer wrong. I grew up with it, but that's not why. I like it, but that's not why. I love the history and culture of it, but that's not why. I think it's just that when I've been on the mission field, when I get to be selfless for a change, and when I suddenly find myself equipped only with what I have on me or in me at a a particular moment, that is when I find myself. I find a greater sense of purpose and accountability than I possess at any other time. Furthermore, even the most objective observer must affirm that what is accomplished in such exploits is a pure and faultless good. Because, rather brilliantly, we are finally able to look past ourselves and see what we can do for other people and actually do it.
Of course, I'm never that articulate in my responses.
After doing pretty well on my first exams, I am very much hoping that the next ones will have similarly favorable outcomes. I just want to escape this island. To study and have a social life... To be able to say "no" to peoples' requests to hang out, rather than never having any requests to respond to at all.
Sunday, May 29, 2016
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Where I Stand
I made an 86 in the harder class and a 76 in the easier class. Typical of me to do worse in the easier one.
I don't know where I stand anymore. My love for Jesus seems in contrast with my beliefs and my stance on a lot of issues in comparison to Christians where I grew up. To some of them, I may hardly be considered a Christian simply on account of how I interpret the beginning of the Bible. And I, in turn, find myself judging Christians for somehow justifying the backing of a man who wants to do things that specifically go against my beliefs as both a Christian and an American.
Particularly while living on this island, surrounded by learning and values involving patient rights and choice, I have found myself despising the beliefs I once grew up with. Part of this stems from the fact that I haven't lived in a Christian community for years now, and also from the ignorance present in those areas I once frequented.
It's a real struggle for me now. I study my Bible every day. I study and work hard, and I've put myself through a lot of difficulties (my travels through Europe) for the sake of making myself a better person. And becoming a better person was for the purpose of being this sort of ideal doctor and missionary. But this sound reasoning that I feel I've developed, and this moral code derived from Biblical teaching, none of it seems of great benefit. Is this what Jesus felt like in his mid-twenties? Studying hard, knowing that he'd be the only one with the proper knowledge and perspective once his ministry started?
All of those that I once looked up to appear to be supporting that which is in contrast with everything I've grown up believing.
Last night, I dreamed that I hung out (and did extremely mild flirting) with the too young girl with doctor dad. The amount of respect that I have for him is very great (probably don't want to find out who he's voting for). So I was overly careful and respectful toward his daughter, and it was great. The picture in my head of their family is one of clear Christ-centered morals, lots of sarcasm, good looks, and smart people. And that is a tough combination to find. My mind seems so fixed on where it is that I've more or less ruled out any such people existing anymore, at least in the dating realm. Maybe something will be different once I get back to the States...
I don't know where I stand anymore. My love for Jesus seems in contrast with my beliefs and my stance on a lot of issues in comparison to Christians where I grew up. To some of them, I may hardly be considered a Christian simply on account of how I interpret the beginning of the Bible. And I, in turn, find myself judging Christians for somehow justifying the backing of a man who wants to do things that specifically go against my beliefs as both a Christian and an American.
Particularly while living on this island, surrounded by learning and values involving patient rights and choice, I have found myself despising the beliefs I once grew up with. Part of this stems from the fact that I haven't lived in a Christian community for years now, and also from the ignorance present in those areas I once frequented.
It's a real struggle for me now. I study my Bible every day. I study and work hard, and I've put myself through a lot of difficulties (my travels through Europe) for the sake of making myself a better person. And becoming a better person was for the purpose of being this sort of ideal doctor and missionary. But this sound reasoning that I feel I've developed, and this moral code derived from Biblical teaching, none of it seems of great benefit. Is this what Jesus felt like in his mid-twenties? Studying hard, knowing that he'd be the only one with the proper knowledge and perspective once his ministry started?
All of those that I once looked up to appear to be supporting that which is in contrast with everything I've grown up believing.
Last night, I dreamed that I hung out (and did extremely mild flirting) with the too young girl with doctor dad. The amount of respect that I have for him is very great (probably don't want to find out who he's voting for). So I was overly careful and respectful toward his daughter, and it was great. The picture in my head of their family is one of clear Christ-centered morals, lots of sarcasm, good looks, and smart people. And that is a tough combination to find. My mind seems so fixed on where it is that I've more or less ruled out any such people existing anymore, at least in the dating realm. Maybe something will be different once I get back to the States...
Saturday, May 7, 2016
Afraid For America
I apparently haven't posted since February. I passed last semester. As usual, the easier class is the one I nearly failed. I'm in my (hopefully) last semester on the island. Instead of five blocks of exams, we only have three, which means that I can't screw up early on or I won't be able to make it up. Some things are working against us compared to last semester, and others are working for us, so we'll see.
Friends and family in Texas are voting for Trump. From what I can tell, this is because he is republican. He's not specifically pro-life enough to justify voting for him for that reason, and the overt racism and sexism and propositions to limit freedom of religion (in violation of our constitutional rights) should be enough to make any sane person vote against him.
In fact, when my dad claimed that Muslims are responsible for the terrorist attacks in America, I asked "what about all the shootings?" and he claimed that shootings aren't terrorist attacks. So I asked why the San Bernardino shooting counted as a terrorist attack, and the answer I suggested, that he didn't seem to have a reply for, was that the shooter was Muslim.
I am aghast at the racism and sexism that still exists in my country, a country that has reinforced countless times throughout my education that such prejudices are not only wrong, but have been eradicated in past decades. These dispositions, however, remain alive and well. And my church and surrounding community seem to be holding onto such dispositions.
Anyway, I must watch and read a million lectures if I hope to live in America for more than a few weeks this fall. I am afraid of what my country has and will become.
Friends and family in Texas are voting for Trump. From what I can tell, this is because he is republican. He's not specifically pro-life enough to justify voting for him for that reason, and the overt racism and sexism and propositions to limit freedom of religion (in violation of our constitutional rights) should be enough to make any sane person vote against him.
In fact, when my dad claimed that Muslims are responsible for the terrorist attacks in America, I asked "what about all the shootings?" and he claimed that shootings aren't terrorist attacks. So I asked why the San Bernardino shooting counted as a terrorist attack, and the answer I suggested, that he didn't seem to have a reply for, was that the shooter was Muslim.
I am aghast at the racism and sexism that still exists in my country, a country that has reinforced countless times throughout my education that such prejudices are not only wrong, but have been eradicated in past decades. These dispositions, however, remain alive and well. And my church and surrounding community seem to be holding onto such dispositions.
Anyway, I must watch and read a million lectures if I hope to live in America for more than a few weeks this fall. I am afraid of what my country has and will become.
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