First Fruits

In the Bible, there's this concept of always giving God the first fruits of whatever you receive. With regard to finances, the first thing you do when you receive your paycheck is to set aside 10% of it for God. It applied to the spoils of war when God led nations to attack and to a variety of other situations. You always set aside the first of what you receive as something belonging to The Lord.

So when I failed those tests, I started giving the first bit of my study time, that more focused state, to God. I start my study time by studying the Bible, rather than leaving Bible study until after I finish everything else.

I trust God. Failing these exams was a good way for God to test that trust, calling me out on my claims that, whether passing or failing, I trust Him throughout. I still trust Him. I don't feel any more capable, or really like I can actually bring up my grades at this point, but I trust Him. That just leaves me with working hard now.

Actually Believing

In the time during which I was studying for these last exams, I had a talk with God. Well, I had many talks, but there was one pertinent to this blog. I admitted to God that when I had preached in other countries about how God does the impossible, I didn't include my own story in the sermon. It wasn't because I thought it was difficult to relate to or some other, good reason. I didn't include my own story because I didn't really believe it. At the time, I wasn't a good student. God hadn't made the necessary changes in me. All I had to go on was faith, and I only had faith to stay the course, not enough to join in the illustration.

But as God told me when He first got me hooked on that passage of Abraham having a son (in 2010, I think), He wants me to be the illustration for it.

So I failed these tests. Badly enough that I need to become a significantly better student if I hope to avoid repeating classes. And I hope that very much. Because, among the multitude of other reasons, I don't want to stay on this island for an extra semester, nor do I want potential clinical and residency spots to go to someone else who did not have to repeat or withdraw from a class.

So here's to actually believing that God will do as He says. Against all hope, Abraham believed, and so became the father of many nations. So I too believe against all hope, all possibility, in the dream that God has given me, that of being a doctor and being the difference that I want to see in the world.

Remembering How To Be The Difference

Only one grade was posted from our exams yesterday, and it was my worst subject: Biochemistry. Out of the 56 people in the class, I had the lowest score at 57. I was expecting something in that range, though obviously hoping for better. Last semester, I was positive that I had failed a Histology exam, but instead had like a 78. An important thing about this semester is that there are no curves, nor are there lab grades to add a buffer to your score. No, you take that test and if you suck, you suck. And suck I did.

Now, be aware that I've been taking it in stride. Most of what I thought while studying for these tests was that I will do better on the next exam. And I will. That being said, there's still a stirring in me that I need to deal with. I need to yell at God. But for now, I can try to write out some frustrations. (Even though I know very well what I did wrong and how I could have done better.)

All my life through high school, I always made straight A's, except for that one teacher who screwed me over with a B (his fault, really). But once I got to college, I struggled. A lot. The main reason was that there was a finite amount of work I was willing to put into anything. Then after a month-long trip to work in hospitals in Uganda, I learned that for the sake of those patients suffering there, I needed to do better. Suddenly, this whole dream of being a doctor that God gave me was bigger than me or the classrooms I sat in. There were faces, people. And I knew that if I could become a doctor, I could make a change in their lives. As a student, all I did was see and learn that I didn't know anything. But as a doctor, I could be the difference I wanted to see.

So then I had a path. I had already taken all of my chemistry courses by that time, so those were out of the way. All of my worst subjects had been finished. That senior year of college, I had classes relating to my major. When I put everything into it, I went from doing an abysmal job to doing okay. Not great, not even that good, but okay.

But now, for the first time since before that trip to Uganda, I have a course that's heavy on chemistry. They deny that it's much chemistry, but if you take the chemistry out of it, you don't have much left. So it's my worst sciency subject and it's at the medical school level. I know that if I can get past it, the worst will be over. Others say that the third semester is the hardest, but I know how weak I am in Biochemistry.

Well, I was gonna get mad at God, but I'm too sleepy. I guess my takeaway here is that I need to remember why I'm doing this. It's hard to remember when you're studying microscopic things that hardly seem to apply to anything. But I want to help those people, to be the difference in their lives. And I can't do that the way that I want to if I don't start improving now.

Upcoming Exams...

Not feeling confident about these block exams. I wasted a lot of time these past three weeks. Last semester, it seemed so much easier to know what and how to study. Memorize first, learn what you memorized after you've memorized it. But this semester, it's so different. There's still so much, but it's not memorization. It's learning difficult concepts from biochemistry, physiology, and genetics. I was okay at physio, but biochem and genetics are murder for me. Especially biochem. Biochem is the worst. Professors are great though; it's me.

It's been a matter of getting back into school mode. Being sick over the break, I was forced to come to a full stop. No being all busy, getting things done. And unfortunately, snapping myself back into my good habits only happened now, the weekend before the first exams. It should have happened last weekend and the one before, but alas. I just didn't know how to make my brain and body get back into the swing of things.

But now I haven't had an alcoholic beverage since last weekend and I'm going to bed before midnight, asleep before 1 AM. I'm actually getting the recommended amount of sleep at 7-8 hours. The bright side here is that I'm not tired in class; I'm just somehow often unable to pay attention. By the end of last semester, I could sit through three hours of lectures and still be attentive and listening, but now, I'm back to worse than at the start of med school. A few minutes and I'm gone.

However, I have felt more myself these last few weeks. The most difficult part of transition is done and now I'm here. I've been showing off my quirky more and have more friends than I had first thought. But still, I dunno about all of it.

I can't learn all of this by Monday. I hope that God will work in me to learn what I need to learn, and to learn it well.

It's All His

I remembered to give everything to God.

I forget it most of the time. It's weird how my self tends to block out who God is when I try to get a clear look at things.

But then I take a step back. And I remember whose plan this is. I tell God about all that I haven't done to study belongs to Him. And all that I have done. And also all the time I haven't invested in the people around me. And the time that I have.

I'm in this weird place now. School is everything and it's difficult to focus on it. My winning personality isn't winning so much because I've begun to leave out the unnecessary as a method of dealing with where I am in life. In the past, my side projects like talent shows or video blogs or anything else used to occupy some mental focus. They made me feel balanced. But now? Now I have school and a desire to be past it so I can live. I've never felt like that before in my life.

And then I have to take a step back again. Because no matter what happens, I'm committed to God and to His purposes. My job isn't to make good grades. My job is to work in excellence and to do so as an act of worship to Christ, and to live my life to Him.  If I fail my tests on Monday, that won't change these things. I still love the Lord and I still believe that He wants me to be a doctor. But just as Abraham was given a hope, a dream of having a son, and then was given that child, and then was willing to sacrifice his child, so must I be willing to do so. Because this dream isn't mine. I love medicine and the idea of being a doctor and all it stands for, but this dream is from the Lord. I need to be willing to give it up to serve His purposes at any time, because I love Him far more than this dream.

So stress doesn't belong to me. I will do my best to learn Physiology, Biochemistry, Genetics, Epidemiology, and the Foundations of Clinical Medicine II, but in the end, every bit of it belongs to God. All I can give Him is the effort I put into it. And whatever effort I don't put into it. It's all His.

Overwhelmed: A How To.

I feel overwhelmed. On Friday at lunch, I discovered a bug problem. I got swept all the bugs out of my room and thought the matter overwith. They were back that evening, and today. Indian meal moth larvae are annoying, especially when there's really no chance to, say, go to the store to get a specific bug prevention product. So I keep killing and sweeping them out, throwing away any remotely suspicious foods, and hope that this solves the problem.

Also on Friday at lunch, my mom told me that she was buying my tickets home. It was a bit of confusion on the dates, but we settled it. Then I found that I'd been looking at the wrong dates, so my flights back to the island are on the very day that classes begin.

On top of these is the actual medical school aspect. It's all of my worst subjects in one semester. Three weeks of classes before we're tested, so I have no idea if I'm doing anything right with my study habits. I suspect that I am not doing anything right. Thus, I am afraid of failing out of med school. I know that that's the usual feeling, but man, it is terrifying to not know.

Oh, and the time on my computer keeps changing itself to an hour earlier, making me think that I've been making better use of my time.

The bright side is that, whether I pass or not, I'll be in Florida in April, and in Dallas in August. Back in the States for every break.

A Brief Look Back At 2014

I should have done a year in review post like I always do, but med school is busy. I'm having a hard time getting back into the swing of it.

2014 was an amazing year. I was mostly sad and lonely for its duration, but I also learned what I was hoping to learn through it. I worked as a medical assistant for a neurology clinic and quit on very good terms with very good timing (and was invited to the Christmas party last month). I went on a cruise with family and then went on a mission trip to Belarus. From there, I visited 12 other countries when I backpacked across Europe (and technically to Asia in Turkey) for three months. I learned so much about myself and the world around me.

One big lesson I learned that I'm still trying to apply is that I need to learn my theology better. I never used to bother with a lot of the tough questions, mostly 'cause I had come to an understanding that I was fine with, and that was it for me. But I learned in Europe and elsewhere since that I'm not learning it for me; I'm learning theology for the people I meet. And I'm learning it well so that I can share it even when we've all had a few pints.

That brings me to another point. The dishonest conservative southern Christian outlook of pretending that we don't drink alcohol is stupid. I'm really beginning to hate it. In Europe, I had to explain it, and it made explaining Christianity itself that much more complicated. It doesn't have to be. To put it simply, passages in the Bible explain that overindulgence is generally something to avoid, but it's good to follow the Spirit and the God-given convictions you have over it. For those in church leadership, the rules are a little more strict. And you also don't drink if a Christian around you will think sinning is okay by your actions of drinking. So maybe it is a little complicated.

A term I used while traveling was "confronting people with their humanity", which is a fancy way of saying that I would try to reach an honest side of people when I spoke to them, because traveling taught me that people are people, and generally good, if you can reach that part of them. Sometimes you can't, but often you can. And it's easier to reach it if you yourself throw down an initial wave of open kindness.

After backpacking through Europe, I had three months of very little, just being lazy before med school. Then I started med school. I also started living in a developing country. I stayed in Rawlins dorms at Medical University of the Americas, which just so happen to be awful dorms to stay in. Because you generally have a roommate in those dorms (or it's more expensive), it was very difficult for me. I was paired with the most culturally different person attending this school. He was fine with me but I had a lot of problems with him, most of which he never knew about because I am very passive aggressive. But it was difficult living there. The "bus" (van) situation was difficult too. They didn't follow schedules, so I wasted many hours in the process of waiting for the buses. Hours I could have been doing anything else. I also picked up bad study habits from my roommate. He was able to understand and memorize things when he first heard them in class, so he watched tv shows a LOT; I require prereading and post-reading and lots and lots of reading, and I still only do so-so. But I also watched shows more than I should have, and I continue to have difficulty dropping the habit now.

I spent half of last year out of the United States, and will spend most of this year out of the States. The U.S. is beautiful. I'm convinced that to become a real patriot, you have to leave the country. That's how you appreciate something.

I'm feeling better about my current situation. I  have some friends and my room is comfortable. Strangely though, I feel like I've toned myself down quite a bit here. I don't act starved for attention nearly as much as I did in college. I don't know how much of it was the new culture or people or that I'm in school or if it's just another one of those chances to "reinvent" myself. I also don't know if I like it. I still go to the school parties and beat the locals in dance battles, but it all seems different. Maybe it's because there really isn't as much chance to be noticed here. No talent shows, no lip-syncing competitions, none of that is here. Just people getting drunk at parties and karaoke if I can get to it.

2015?

In the past, God has often spoken to me a lot about the new year. Admittedly, I was often a better listener in the past. But tomorrow, I start my second semester of medical school. I've made it through that first semester and done so better than some of my peers; in fact, I was a point above average in my more difficult classes (and a point below in the easy/blow off classes). But last semester was also easier.

Tomorrow, I start Biochemistry. After peeking at the first lecture, I'm a little terrified, because it bears a strong resemblance to Organic Chemistry. The only reason I remember as much of that class as I do is because I put a great deal of effort into it as an undergraduate, giving up my lunch breaks to be privately tutored by our professor. And I am fairly certain that I didn't make any grades above a C.

Medical Genetics is also this semester. Genetics was the only class (aside from French II) that I remember dropping as an undergrad. And though I remember having a long list of reasons at the time, the primary reasons were that the subject matter was more difficult than was reasonable for a sophomore-level class, and that I wasn't learning due to the teaching style of our professor (the chair of the science department who made me publicly cry for the first time since I was 14 when he told me that I wouldn't get into medical school at the rate I was going).

Physiology is a more difficult subject as well, but I did take two Physiology courses at the same time during my last semester of undergrad, and I think I made B's in both.

So I'm a little nervous. Whatever confidence I built up during the break, it's not really okay for me to  hold onto it, is it? I mean, new apartment that I get to make my own, new potential to visit home during the summer, and new potential professional connections after I get back to the States...but have I ever done well when acting very confident? It often turns to arrogance and then I'm put in my place. But what if I  hold onto the proper amount of confidence? I went through the fire and am now on the other side, ready for the hotter fire.

I've always talked about my grades in a pessimistic manner, whether I made a 100 or a 48 (that was a bad day in Organic Chemistry). My 8th grade history teacher once remarked that I was the only student she ever had who could say that he was going to fail a test and then make a 100 on it.

Maybe familiarity will make my heart grow fonder of the people here. After all, there are little things. For Halloween, someone sent me a Halloween-gram (basically a Valentine's Day thing on the wrong day). It was anonymous. I saw friends today and they seemed a'ight. Who knows.

This semester, I'm going to try to force a few more positivities. I'm going to aim to sing more (virtually soundproof apartment), listen to positive music, listen to CHRISTIAN music, listen to CHRISTIAN WORSHIP music (which I  hadn't really made a habit for, well, years now maybe), and generally aim to be the positive I want to see here. As the most outspoken white man, that is my responsibility. To bring the change I want to see. Maybe I can help revamp that Christian organization here. I'm thinking of making a push towards more evangelical teaching, so that we all get our basic theology straight (I brought the book Essential Truths of the Christian Faith by R.C. Sproul, one of the few Christian books I think are worthwhile) rather than what they do now, which is just picking someone to speak on some subject from the Bible. To me, that's what you go to church for. When I go to a "Christian Fellowship", I want to actually fellowship and discuss the Bible, not let one person talk. Lead and guide, yes, but not taking over the show.

Nearing The End

I went to the Christmas Eve service at church alone this year. My dad usually forces the family to go, but when I asked what service, he kinda just changed the subject, which was odd. So I saw some people at church that I knew and then went to my travel buddy's family's Christmas Eve party where my old high school friend group met up. We talked for a few hours but, because it was Christmas Eve, we all slowly but surely had to leave to stay with our respective families.

We had Christmas at my dad's house first, where I received skinny jeans upon skinny jeans, as per my request. Also some shirts which seemed to fit, which is uncommon. Then mom's Christmas at her fiancé's house, where we ate and drank and it was nice. From my mom, I just asked for help financially when I traveled in the future.

That night, Katie Williams was in town with her boyfriend (a very likeable guy), Michael Bruner. Their Christmas had been weird but we all watched Mean Girls and then they got tired, which was good, because I was to fly to Florida the next morning for Christmas stuff with extended family on my dad's side. Siblings stayed up all night for the flight, as is their tradition, so everyone was annoyed with everyone and I played peacekeeper, which was annoying. After my past semester at school, nothing seemed worth complaining about. Anyway, the trip lasted too long (because earlier return flights were more expensive) and consisted mostly of sitting around all day then drinking too much at night.

I got back in time to sleep in and then go back-to-school-for-a-year-on-an-island shopping with my mom, then went to meet up with my good friends Tara and Mia (and other mutual friends Marissa and Stefanie) at a hotel we had booked for NYE. Time flew by because this was really the main occasion I had been excited for all break that actually happened, but it was time treasured. Tara complained of her boyfriend who never wanted to do things like this, and I advised that she needn't date someone just because she likes some qualities about them. After all, I told her, she and I aren't dating despite the fact that we like qualities in each other (and if she were Christian, I would totes consider dating her). We went to Victory Park in Dallas and everyone was too cold, so we went back to the hotel and reached it just before midnight, then drank and passed out. Then in the morning, my friends left, waking me up to hug them first, and then it was just me. I went back home and packed with naps in between and wished that I had booked my tickets to give me more time. Then I left in the morning, leaving my dad with new commands for my car, that anyone who drives it has to obey the law (I quoted some Bible verses on authority) and I could tell it made my dad upset because it required using his seatbelt, which he very rarely does, and only upon great insistence, and not speeding, which everyone tends to do.

I spent the day very depressed as I traveled, wishing that I didn't have to go back to that island. That island that cut me off from my friends and family, that put me in a world filled with people and cultures so different from my own. I hated it. But I made the trip because I'm bigger than that, and so is God's calling for me. I made it to St Kitts, stayed in a hotel with a friend, then went to Nevis, hired a taxi for the afternoon for $35 to take us to the grocery store and then to our apartments (way better pricing than a taxi in Dallas), and finally settled in to my studio apartment. Admittedly, it felt okay being here after I cleaned up the place and kinda made it my own. Most of my complaints about the island aren't applicable at the moment, aside from the major one of separation from loved ones. But without that separation, I wouldn't realize how much I loved them, and they me.

Tomorrow is orientation for new students, and my second semester of med school begins the day after. There is hope for this next semester. I have my own place that I can arrange how I like. It's a little small but not cramped. My study habits will finally depend on me and God working through me.

MUST STOP AND REST

One of the most important steps in making sure you grow (maybe the most important) is to stop and reflect. Well, I didn't really do that at the end of the semester. I took my last final, went to the beach, went to Four Seasons, lazed around the next day, moved into my apartment the day after, helped a friend move the day after that, then went home. After my day-long journey back, I got a burger and slept well. Then woke up and worked out, then went to Dallas to see a friend, and the next day I was sick.

Why?

Because I didn't stop doing things.

My train of thought was "I only have so much time to see so many people. I need to make the most of it." When I started to get sick, I thought "Better to be sick in good company than well on the island." This was a terrible way to think, because I drove to Arkansas, where my sore throat worsened, then left for home early 'cause I felt so tired from sick. That night, I had diarrhea multiple times, then woke up feeling nauseated. I learned that your body will make you stop. I just had a cold, a wee sore throat, but the real issue is that I needed to rest. So I had to cancel all plans (hot tub, beer, smash brothers, church, all day with best friends) and be sick for awhile. And it was kinda sad, but once I gave in, it was obviously what I needed.

I still recovered enough after the weekend to get lunch with my residency director friend from church, who reassured me that I can become licensed in any state regardless of what Caribbean school I went to so long as I can pass state licensing exams. So that's a relief. I also had drinks (mine was a hot toddy, a warm whiskey lemon drink for my sore throat) with my friend Stewart who's a year ahead of me in med school. We exchanged banter as usual, but he also told me of a residency in Arkansas near where I went for undergrad, a place I still love dearly, and said that we should do residency there together. So #duh. Having a friend in the residency you want can (apparently) help you a lot. They can tell the attending physician that you're awesome, and it can push you ahead.

Unfortunately, a lot of my current world is all about networking. Though I appreciate people, most of how I spend my time is strongly influenced by how I can use those people. I hate that that's what my world revolves around, but it most definitely is. I mean, it's helpful and I enjoy meeting with people who are doing the same work as me, but still.

Oh, one huge thing that happened during the break was before having lunch with that residency director. He invited me an hour earlier to see a rep do a demonstration with what was essentially a fallopian tube fire saw. But he introduced me to the rep as "Dr. Smith" and I was overwhelmed. This is one of the guys who trains doctors to actually be the doctors that their degrees say they are. And he casually bestowed the title upon me during this meeting. And then we proceeded to slice and dice a raw egg and raw chicken breast.

More later unless I'm an idiot again.