Burned Out As I Begin

The struggle to be able to study has weighed on me all this semester. Now that I finally have time alone at the lakehouse, I just feel burned out. I'm still getting more done than I did at home, but nowhere near what I want to be doing. I keep thinking that I'm definitely going to fail (a usual feeling), but unlike in times past, I'm taking practice tests to help me study. Unfortunately, that "I'm gonna fail" attitude seeps in throughout the test. I get obvious questions wrong. A lot.

Obviously, I need to submit all of this to God better. But my mind has just felt so crowded until I could get away that I could not process thoughts, prayers, or much else. I hope that I get a grip on studying a little better. Or that, you know, the test is really easy. Either or, or both. Please...

Oh The Days

I fly out to take my exam a week from this Tuesday. I'm not likely to pass, but I'm heading to our family's lakehouse tomorrow to study in isolation until my flight. I will be moving to Addison to do a study program for two months after New Years.

I've hated living at home. Not just because it's so very pro-Trump here, but also because when one parent is getting divorced and the other is remarrying and your sister's boyfriend takes his own life, concentration becomes difficult. And I'm not great at staying focused as it is.

So I'm looking forward to December. After I take my exam, I get to sit on the beach briefly, then fly back to the States. Then I will have the freedom to go for guiltless long drives to visit friends in other states.

Also, getting up in the morning is still difficult. I still don't recognize the church as it is (so I don't capitalize). It seems like the clear wrong that I have learned all my life is more of a gray, or even white, area for many others. A good friend of mine told me that he doesn't tell people that he's Christian until they have gotten to know him well. We aren't ashamed of the gospel; the gospel saved us. We are just ashamed of being associated with a racist, sexist, bigoted, intolerant group.

An Open Letter

Jon Stewart recently made the good point that we can't judge every republican based on Trump's worst characteristics. It is true that calling every Trump supporter a racist bigot is going too far. That being said, voting demographics show that white less educated America was willing to overlook a lot of faults that no other demographic was. This is likely because white people were the only ones not targeted by Trump. To many of us, that level of callousness is tough to see as anything but (at best) a willingness to tolerate racism (and all the other -isms that Trumpism has acquired).

When it comes to the nation as a whole, it seems unfair to cast blame or judgment for this. After all, our nation is diverse in beliefs and values, which is something to be appreciated. However, since data indicates that the white evangelical church likely managed to turn the vote in Trump's favor, an issue begins to arise. Unlike our incredibly diverse nation, the Church is meant to be ruled by sets of values and teachings laid out by Jesus. So when one candidate embraces ideals and rhetoric that are antagonistic toward the ideals and rhetoric of the God we as Christians worship, a problem arises. (If anyone is in disbelief regarding the contrarian nature of the Bible with Trump's rhetoric, I would be happy to supply verses in this regard. It is not difficult.)

If the Church is willing to openly endorse such a man as Trump, along with all that comes with him, then this church is something that I cannot affiliate with as a Christian. There can be forgiveness, but trust has largely (and justifiably) been lost. If ever there was a question as to why or whether a younger generation in the Church was being lost, an answer is present herein.

I fear that much of the Church's witness was traded away this election.

And for anyone to use their political party as an excuse, that comes too close to idolatry in my mind. I changed parties when one strongly went against the teachings of Jesus (and my beliefs as a scientist and American).

To clarify, it is not because Trump votes were votes against my choice of candidate. It is specifically because they voted for Trump. I see no fault in third party voters.

To add a subjective view, which is shared by most that I've talked to about it, I have felt uncomfortable at church this election season. Given my understanding of who my church's congregation likely voted for, there are inherent implications. I would feel more comfortable visiting a mosque with a Muslim friend than bringing a Muslim friend to my own church. For this and related reasons, I have found myself unable to attend church for the past couple months.

I don't WANT to blame the Church. I love the Church. But because of my fellow evangelicals, I don't recognize the Church. And I don't relish trying to defend my Church's actions next time I try to share my faith with my Muslim friends. Or Mexican friends. Or female friends. Or any minority.

However, the purpose in this is not to condemn. That too would be contrary to the purposes that Jesus has for us. Rather, I share this in order to point out the issue. Pastors and leaders would be wise to evaluate the damage of their (and all of our) witness due to the choice of the white evangelical church in this election, and then reform as needed. It is difficult to see racism and mysogyny when you are a white male, but it is very present and, like most evils hidden in darkness, it must be called out in order to prevent the further spread of infection. In all of this, we may be thankful that Jesus remains constant throughout.

Sputtering of Apathy & Ambition

I'm a little over two weeks away from my flight back to the island to retake the comp exam. And no, I am not ready. Dad is getting remarried. Mom is getting divorced. Sister's boyfriend took his own life. And home was distracting enough before those things happened.

I'm studying today at our family's lakehouse. I hadn't remembered its existence, nor how usefully empty it was right now, until my brother reminded me between my laments about studying. But it is too little too late, in my mind. After all, two weeks isn't that much time. And within those two weeks, there is also Thanksgiving, which involves the occupation of this lakehouse. My mom suggested that maybe God intended for me to wait until now to remember it. And I can't help but wonder why.

I know that my ability to reason and explain has been appreciated at home. But the stress of the election (both what preceded it and the results) have weighed upon me. Even now, I wake up to the realization of different aspects of the gravity of such a poor decision by the American people (though primarily by the less educated white evangelicals).

Waking up with those thoughts, and the idea in my mind that my current studying efforts are in vain, really throws me off. Ambition drains from me even as I decline invitations to meet up with friends. I stop believing in a chance for romance, of becoming a doctor, in most things. Apathy sputters about as I try to rev myself up and into a state of hard work and discipline.

What can you do?

The Youth Dissuaded

I went to a wedding last night and reconnected with some old friends. It has helped to talk this stuff out with a friend who feels as I do about the election, specifically with regard to Christianity. The white evangelical church apparently voted with significant enough numbers that they decided this election. My friend and I both struggle with the fact that the Church seems to specifically push forward agendas that are contrary to the teachings of the Jesus. We both lament that the issue of abortion seems used as a device to cheaply win over a large portion of voters who would not otherwise support a given candidate. (As one who was staunchly pro-life before taking medical psychology and ethics classes, I can assure you that both sides have very valid points. But when I took my own personal reflexive opinions out of the picture, I found that such a difficult ethical issue should not reach a verdict until the doctor and patient discuss it. However, this does remain a heavily nuanced topic, so I will not begin to presume that my reasoning skills surpass that of others. I would simply request that those of opposing views display the same courtesy in return.)

And we both feel uncomfortable with the Church as a whole, along with our local churches right now. He said that he had noticed it around six months ago. I have felt it since my return to the States as I tried to reconnect with the Christian community after two years away from any real ministry involvement.

Since a social media post would invite ridicule or would seem a cry for help, I instead must speak to my local pastors at some point. This is for the purpose of warning them. If I, an educated upper middle class white man, feel uncomfortable with the church's support of such a symbol of racism (and a long list of other issues), it seems unlikely that this or the next generation of young people would think the church a welcoming, judgment-free place. If I were on the fence regarding Christianity, this election would almost certainly have pushed me away from Christ. And I certainly would not wish to visit a church if my skin were not white. And if I were a Muslim curious about the Christian faith, I would anticipate being treated like a criminal. I cannot imagine how embarrassingly hard I would have to try to make one of my Muslim friends feel comfortable in a church setting, especially the friends who wears a hijab.

My position must be careful though. It cannot be one of blaming people. There are those on social media who are claiming that Trump supporters are outright racists, or unsaved. I, however, believe that Jesus died for the sins of all, and can also see the perspective of being all in for even a chance at a pro-life vote despite everything that comes with it. And I can understand the distrust for the opposition as well.

Rather, my position is one of victimization and lamentation. I have staked much of my life, my story, and my passions in the Church and the hope that it brings. And I believe that this hope belongs to all people, that all people have a right to the opportunity of receiving it. But I see a Church that will deny social and civil issues (and, in doing so, support the continuation of those problems).

The Church that I love is one that I cannot bear to look at.

Distrust For The Church

Okay, I need to express this somehow. I haven't been honest, and for professional reasons, I can't be transparent on Facebook. But fortunately, no one reads this.

I no longer trust the church. It is a difficult thing to think, much less write. I've never cried over anything spiritual that I can recall. Nothing. Not in the most heart-wrenching worship service. Not when I saw miracles happen. Not ever. But there are tears in my eyes as I write this.

White America has won. The voting demographic clearly shows it. If you were white, you voted Trump. If you were any other color of skin or were educated, the majority voted against him.

In the name of keeping the Supreme Court conservative (the only defense in favor of Trump that could potentially hold water), the white evangelical church has chosen a wealthy demagogue (a political leader who seeks support by appealing to popular desires and prejudices rather than by using rational argument) whose path to election was based on racism, sexism, bigotry, xenophobia, and blatant disregard for facts that opposed his opinions. Where is the Church that would choose a step toward equality? Where is the Church that would stand up for the less fortunate? The Church that would offer shelter to strangers in a foreign land, because we too were once aliens as well? What happens when a white Christian wants to share the gospel with a Muslim person, or a Mexican, or any illegal immigrant?

I do not recognize this church. I haven't felt comfortable attending my local church (primarily white congregation) these past months. Believe me, I made myself go. And though I genuinely tried, I felt worse. Even as I search for the proper terminology, the word that comes to mind is conviction. My convictions make me uncomfortable with attending church, such as it is.

I will continue to read my Bible, talk to God, and watch sermons on Sunday. But they will be streamed online from a pastor I trust (Judah Smith).

I struggle with what to do with these feelings that go against how I was raised, yet seem more in line with the Bible that I trust. I want to warn pastors and leaders, but I also do not wish to publicly do things on social media, because once again, I have a professionalism to uphold. And, if I'm being honest, I don't want to admit that I don't feel comfortable with the Church. I mean, what Christian says that? A well-educated one, it turns out.

The Creature Has Won

Perhaps the most frustrating thing about Trump winning this election is that such a large and outspoken portion of the church endorsed him. In the midst of hate and injustice, the church is where I would think to seek refuge. But no, I don't see the logic in trusting the church at a time such as this. For embracing the church seems like it would be a rejection of the very teachings upon which it was established and inspired.

Make no mistake, the racism, bigotry, misogyny, and xenophobia are very real and bound to grow as a result of their leader coming into a place of power. Just last month, three Trump supporters were arrested for allegedly planning to bomb a mosque and an apartment complex where Somali refugees resided in Kansas. That's right, Trump supporters, whose big message is a fear of refugees because of their potential to be secret terrorists, actually planned to commit a terrorist act themselves.

I am trying to turn to Jesus in this, as I should be doing in all things. But I must say, Christians seem to be a strong deterrent to Christ these days.