Nice-err

Lots of things are nice. Not all of them, but lots of them. Mostly because in three and a half weeks, I'll be back in the States and then boarding a cruise ship. Then going on another cruise after that.

Thoughts are purifying, mostly because the impure thoughts really don't suit me.

A resolution for future semesters is to stop saying "no" to things. It was a rule in Europe and it should be a rule for life. Anything that I can say "yes" to tends to be worth it. At least, of greater worth than saying "no".

Fighting It

The best way to fight depression, I'm finding, is by talking to other people. Skyping with my friend Tara is always good because she's similarly driven, though she has decided not to go for this accounting masters degree. That's not a mark against her, of course; she already has a job she likes that challenges her. I, however, have never had a job better than being a mascot. And God is still working in this whole doctor thing, though it's admittedly hard to see Him in this.

Talking to my brother on Facebook today was nice too. We can talk about such simple things at home. Problems that arise from privilege. Little sister who's crazy and buys good brands of liquor that she can't afford (that I can't afford), and that she wouldn't know the difference between anyway (unlike me).

I'm trying to rekindle this love for learning that had me going through this semester. I really do love what I'm learning. But I still have the mentality that I'm going to do far worse, and that's making it hard to study right. I've just gotta push past that...

Uggggghhhhhhh

I ended the week angry-sad-frustrated. I was so content when I was learning at a fast pace earlier in the semester. In fact, if I was honest with myself, I didn't really even want to die. But failing when you put everything into something, well, that leads to the age-old feeling... If I'm ever trying to destress, I imagine being shot in the head. I know it's not a thing that I would do, but it's still an immediate happy place that I can daydream to. It sounds bad, I guess... So imagine always feeling that way with rare exceptions, and then finally not feeling that way. And then failing at what took away the feeling. So that's where I am.

I'm over the acute depression from it all. I can think and study now, but it's still awful. My thoughts are impure and I feel distant from people. I have a support group at home but texts only do so much. Skype is nice, but once again, I'm just so distant... I make friends here but there's no significant foundation. The longest I've known anyone here is six months. You can't know someone well at all in that much time. I have a friend that I've been getting to know this semester, and he blew up at me for telling him that he dealt with a situation in the wrong way. Nobody reacts to me that way because I make every effort to be reasonable, but now I know that he's that way.

I live alone. I feel alone a lot. Studies comfort me except when they fill me with hopelessness and dread. Friends comfort me except when they're 1200 miles away. Wishing for the ability to fly so that I could just go visit them. But no, I have to wait till August to see friends.

I'm becoming a worse person right now because that's easier, and because being a better person seems to do nothing for anyone right now. It feels like a waste, like being overqualified for a job and then scolded for everything you do. I have been keeping up with my Bible reading though.

The bright side to any of it is that I've been hitting the gym as often as I'm supposed to now, so my 6-pack is back. Trying to increase serotonin levels with that and by working in bright lights. And maybe I'll reintroduce nightcaps.

No Seasons

I'm in a place with no seasons. The temperature stays around 78 degrees, going a few degrees warmer/colder depending on the time of day. It's a strange thing to be without seasonal change in climate. I tended to group phases of my life into seasons of the year, and lessons learned therein. But without seasons... I dunno. I didn't have spring to look forward to when it got cold. I don't have summer to look forward to for lazy days outside. I don't have fall to look forward to for hoodie, cardigan, and jacket weather, and I don't have winter to look forward to to layer in different ways. I have this one season. And I long for others.

I know that the grass is always greener on the other side, but really, this side is tough to deal with. I know I get sun and beach and school, which are actually a lot of what I've wanted out of life, but seasons were important. Seasons always promised something new on the horizon.

Now it seems that the something on the horizon tends to be my breaks from school and the subject matter I'm preparing to learn.

One Of Those Days

Sometimes, you have one of those days. Mine was yesterday.

I studied hard and did everything the way that the professor told us to. To be honest, I had this idea in my mind that I had borrowed from my friend who walked away from the faith. She said that when she did badly in school, she simply worked harder, and found that there was no need for God in that. She didn't need Him. And her grades went up. So my grades went down, and then down again, and I decided that I would study so hard that it doesn't matter what the professors did; I would ace the exam. I read a full week of material ahead of time and did all the practice questions, which are the two biggest things that the professor told us would get us the grades.

So I took the test on Monday and it felt easy. There were only a few questions that surprised me. Then I spent the rest of that day with my Texan friends at the beach, where we connected as Christian southerners. And I passed out early, as has become my habit.

On Tuesday, we learned that the our class got remarkably low scores. My confidence dissipated upon learning that the highest score was an 88. So at lunch, I went to talk to the professor (by the way, I'm a favorite of his). He told me that my score was very low. I knew going in that I needed at least an 80 just to get to passing the class, so hearing that alone was plenty to decide it. Discussion didn't take long before I agreed that I would need to withdraw from the course and remain on the island an extra semester. I was very frustrated that I could know the material well and still do so poorly, so he quizzed me on some things I got wrong. I knew all of it. The answers were no-brainers. Somewhere in there upon realizing I'd have to repeat the class, I began to tear up. So for the first time since my sophomore year of college (almost exactly four years ago now), I cried in public. The professor tried to cheer me up a little, but I soon left after talking with him didn't yield any hints on how to do better. I threw on some shades and felt like throwing up for the rest of the day.

So I had to face this awful reality, that I'd have to stay on this island for an extra semester, making it a full two years in this place (minus 12 collective weeks of visits to the States).

And then I decided that this awful reality doesn't have to be SO awful. Because here's the thing: next semester is supposed to be my hardest here. Now it doesn't have to be. I can arrange my schedule so I can learn and balance things out better (I hope). I dunno how it'll be, but maybe taking one new class out of the picture can turn my future semesters into opportunities to REALLY learn, rather than always feeling behind.

Taking A Punch And Learning From It

Two weeks of everything. Papers, presentations, nightcaps, impure thoughts, keyboard not working, and all kinds of bad things. It was a week of many things that could possibly go wrong deciding to do so. But I did all work ahead of time, read the full week of lectures over the weekend, and now it's Friday. And unlike past Fridays before exams, I've already been over all of the information already. Instead of reading new information, it's all going to be review.

Yet my confidence is still lacking? Why? Because somehow, every time I try, I still fail. My attempts at becoming an A student last block landed me with failing to average scores. I know that God has my back, but I also know that He works in "mysterious ways", and I'm often tempted to think that whatever way He's working is just gonna screw me over and teach me a lesson.

I'm very good at taking a punch and learning from it. That's often what the Christian life seems like. But it's exhausting. And exhausting is fine, but exhausted failure really isn't. It's not even an issue of having to possibly repeat a class or something. The problem is that if I do have to repeat a class, I don't get to take a new one and learn new things. By the time I take the final, I will have filled in whatever blanks remain in my learning thus far. And if I fail after that, it will just be tragic. Knowing plenty in a class yet still having to repeat it, and then not getting to learn new things from a new class? That's just awful.