Month Of Nada

It has been a roughly a month since I found out that I failed my exam, and though the acute phase of that defeated burnout feeling has abated, the continual issues with even getting my residency application complete have left me with little drive. Every time I open up the quizzes, I make it only a portion of the way through a given question before my mind strays.

I spent the better part of two years studying and stressing, with barely a break thrown in. No Christmas, no Thanksgiving, just working and studying. And when self-discipline and self-motivation are the only forces in your life that can keep you on track in a very competitive world, well, the loss of those forces can stop everything in their tracks.

The podcast remains the fulfilling constant in my life, despite the fact that it is not growing. The other day, another podcaster listened to it for the first time when he was discussing having me on his podcast, and he was amazed at our content, given that it is funny, educational, and well-produced. All we need are 10,000 more listeners like him and we can get advertisers!

Anyway, it is refreshing to be back in that phase of life in which people keep asking about medical school and I keep having no good answers for them. 'Tis the season!

Lil' Tidbit From Bible

Reading up in Galatians today and I ran across something odd. So, the predominating theme in Galatians is that salvation comes by faith rather than works or "the law", and the Apostle Paul makes an odd characterization of the law at one point. In 3:24-25, the passage says "So the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ that we might be justified by faith. Now that faith has come, we are no longer under the supervision of the law."

In the theological commentary for this study Bible, it is further explained that the expression "was put in charge" comes from the Greek "paidagogos" (from which "pedagogue" is derived). It refers to the personal slave-attendant who accompanied a freeborn boy wherever he went and exercised a certain amount of discipline over him. His function was more like that of a babysitter than a teacher.

So the law, the "rules" of the Christian faith, are there more in a supervising babysitter fashion. They are necessary much of the time, but in no household are the words of the babysitter the ultimate authority. Rather, they are helpful, filled with general truths, but are limited in their effectiveness and capacity for good.

I think of passages like this when people refuse to give ground on their homophobia or even an otherwise negative disposition toward those who are more morally loose than others. A lot of practices may have negative associations, but the rulebook we have was not intended to decide their salvation. Jesus Christ crucified, risen, and coming again is how salvation is defined. The rest is padding and context, and certainly not meant to be used as justification for beliefs or actions based outside of love.

Wet Blanket

Sometimes, you reach a point where you just cannot move. Failures are compounded by complications outside of your control and you find yourself without the will to continue. You throw yourself at these problems over and over again, and when you burn yourself out in doing so, and the end result is failure, you are left in a stunned state. How compromised am I on how many levels? Spiritually? Physically? Emotionally? Psychologically? And all for the sake of pursuing this stupid dream of helping people, of saving the world. I was flying high for a little bit, shining in clinical rotations. But then push most certainly becomes shove when the time comes to prove yourself on exams, and I just cannot handle it.

I detest this place I am currently in. Time is slipping away with my noncompliant mind refusing to study. I keep drinking because that at least softens things for a few hours at night, even though I know that it reinforces the depression. And yes, the depression that had mostly been lifted at the beginning of summer came back to cloak me in its wet blanket. With it has come anxiety, which had never seemed quite so overwhelming as it is now.

I just feel used up in all the wrong ways. I have so much to give, so many talents, most of which have simply been put aside for years in order to make me able to do this stupid medicine thing. And then I cannot even do it when the time comes. All in the pursuit of this dream that God gave me, and then ironically, I drift further from Him too as a result. The views that I have developed as a medical scientist have pushed me further from the beliefs of fellow Christians, so that I do not prefer the please of the company of many of them, despite the fact that my beliefs regarding modern controversies are foundationally derived from the very same faith as theirs.

I no longer live on an island, but is this life so different?

Remember when I used to write about my fun and exciting take on what God was doing in me and my friends? I was reading Galations 2 today and the Apostle Paul did his whole thing of telling the Apostle Peter that he was wrong to stop eating with gentiles when Jews walked in, but man did he make a long speech about it. Eyes were rolling hard over here. Come on Paul, cool your jets. I just imagine Peter being kind of stunned and then just assuring Paul that yes, he is right, so let us just move on.