In A Mood

I'm in a mood.

These are rare.

It's a time when I just get so pissed about where I'm at in life. I guess this used to happen when I was doing bad in school in the past, and this is maybe just a reflexive response? Either way, it's here now. My heartrate has been elevated all day and time seems to be skipping by.

My school is starting to do fun things. Jeopardy this weekend. Talent Show in a month. I'm not really planning in participating in either because right now, I'm focused on learning and grades.

I think of running away from this, from all of this. But the last time I kinda "ran away", I traveled Europe and it wasn't all that pleasant. It was new and exciting, but mostly it was difficult and a learning experience. Maybe traveling through the States would be different. I'm just so angry about being where I am. Even if I did have the wish to skip past the next few years to be a real doctor, will I even like it? Crazy hours, high stress...

I'm in this to be a missionary. That is what I will like.

But what happened to all those other dreams? Acting, working at Disney World, and there are probably a million others that I don't recall now because I convinced myself that they weren't really feasible. SCREW IT! I'M TIRED OF REALITY! I'm just ready to die or fall into a coma. Not in a suicidal way, or anything like that. I'm just so tired and fed up with the way this world seems to be set up.

I put everything into making myself a better person, mostly in the name of trying to become the person people would want to have working for them or heading things up. To be the doctor my patients would want. But it's a narrow road full of crags and thorns and I don't feel up to the task. I don't feel up to the task. So I'm instead resigned to it, hoping that everything changes and knowing it won't.