Rough Week

So I failed that test. And then on Memorial Day, some family members had me shaking with rage because of how blatantly they mocked the workers and myself for obeying the official guidelines to help mitigate the pandemic. This led me to confront my dad and stepmom at dinner a few days later. I dressed in my lab coat and tie and gave an impassioned plea on behalf of the 100,000 dead from this virus for them to obey the rules. They later texted further criticisms of me in reply. And then they went to church today without wearing masks, which is a very high risk situation, so I will not be having meals with them in the near future. With that in mind, we made arrangements for the grandkids to have dinner with grandpa on another day, which will hopefully solve these issues for the time being.

Then yesterday I went to visit with the girl I like. I helped her pack her bags to go back to San Antonio where she works, and we visited and talked about various things. I may have made myself look bad by also discussing these family issues a little bit. Then as she was packed up to leave, I told her that I love her as a friend but I also like her romantically, and then handed her an origami envelope with a note that, as I told her, hopefully set the right tone to not make things weird or awkward. The response did not seem particularly enthusiastic, so I am assuming a lack of mutual interest, which would be equally as terrifying to me as significant interest. That was in the afternoon, and that night she texted me just to let me know that we could talk later about the note.

My stomach was in knots and I just felt exhausted and anxious. I drank a bunch and went to bed and woke up feeling depressed, which was a relief compared to the anxiety that I had been feeling. For that of course, the cure is obvious, so I worked out. But instead of just going back inside or running an errand, I googled the nearest parks, and there is one which I had never visited nearby. I went there and just back as the lake water lapped against the shore, and finally tried to relax. How long had it been since I went out and just stopped? I am surprised that I had never done so before while living here, because everywhere else I have lived, I made sure to take time out like that.

In unrelated news, we recently acquired two kittens, and today my youngest sister got her poodle puppy. So far the puppy is fantastic due to how quiet and unmoving it is. And the kittens are fantastic because they are kittens and every thing and lack of thing is a toy for them.

Things COULD Be Looking Up

Yesterday, I took my final medical school exam. I should have taken it last summer, but I blew it off, not realizing that it may have the potential to solve many of my current academic issues. The test felt relatively easy, but who knows. They are supposed to let me know by Wednesday. If I do well enough, I get my medical degree, which will mean that I will actually be a doctor. One thing that that means is that I can drive to Arkansas and do an instructional video for my friend's business of online medical assistant training. Someone else writes the lesson and then I read it off with a teleprompter and it is a paid gig.

I am also two weeks and six days from turning 30, and am also hoping to convince the girl I like to go cave exploring and camping with me over that weekend. She seems open to the idea, but who knows. In any case, I currently intend to let her know at that point about my romantic feelings toward her.

I also just wrote a couple pages of a script for the pilot episode of the video version of my improvised comedy podcast. My mom's boyfriend has worked most every job involved in movie, tv, and commercial productions, and is sought after for his skills as an art director. And he seems open to helping us out. It was close to this time last year that I began feverishly obsessing about the podcast, so naturally I am obligated to seek out a chance to throw myself into work on another project that I think is brilliant but may never get the audience that I feel it deserves. But that is the way of art.

Fortunately, we have nearly a year of our podcast behind us to use as a guideline. This will hopefully translate into less work, but if we make it as good as I want to make it, it will probably take so much effort.

I am afraid to get my hopes up overmuch, because so many of my plans have been wrecked. The girl may not have mutual romantic feelings. The show may not happen, or may not be good, or may be too expensive to actually do as well as I want to do it. I may not have done well enough on that test to graduate, and so consequently I will not be able to do that paid online teaching gig. But there is also the chance that all of those things could work out. And sometimes, it is nice to imagine such a world.

Maybe Figured It Out

Okay, I think I figured out what has been making me so very anxious. Having seen a close friend freak out about turning 30 a few months ago, I was wary that such a thing may happen to me. So I had taken precautions to prevent such a thing from happening to me. I tried to get onto a show, and then, against all odds, I was actually cast! I also planned a trip to SE Asia. There was also potential for a family reunion in England just before my birthday, and I was very tempted to go even if the rest of my family did not.

But this pandemic hit and all of my precautions flew to the wind.

That being said, my date of birth does not hold all of the cards. I do not have to finish all of my medical school requirements by that date. I do not have to tell a girl I like her by that date. I do not have to become famous by that date. I do not need to have visited several new countries in Asia by that date.

Of course, that realization has not kept me from drinking too much for the past few nights, but it did seem to help me to loosen my abdominal muscles and to prevent anxiety attacks.

For birthday, I am aspiring to do one of the many things that I had planned to do in SE Asia, and which I will likely be able to do here in Texas: spelunking. Furthermore, I am looking forward to camping, which is something that I have not done since I was little, and never alone. That girl I like did ask if I could use a cave exploring buddy, so that may happen. I will not bet on her joining me for camping as well, but who knows.

When I told my podcasting buddies about all of these concerns regarding the aging syndrome, one of them suggested that we film a pilot episode of a tv show version of the podcast. This has been suggested to me before, but I remain unsure. This is possibly in part because I have of course seen little tangible return on the podcast itself despite pouring so much into it. Anyway, I told them that I would not ask others for help or participation until I have written a script for it that is good and funny enough that I would want to be in it if I were being asked by someone else. I think of myself as a good writer, but I do not write scripts with any frequency.

How Is Studying Going?

Very often, people ask me how studying is going. They ask because they know that that is most of what is meant to be going.

Sometimes, like this very time, I have to remind myself that I and my life are a joke. God's big prank is making me, the person who is not naturally skilled or talented in areas related to science or medicine, pursue perhaps the most respected occupation currently in existence. The stress feels real, and the anxiety is crippling, but if I can just hold onto that knowledge that it is all a joke, it eases the pain of it. I am the punchline, and if I can just remember that, then maybe I have a chance to get through it.

What did I do today? Well, it was declared to be a study day, but the anxiety was bad enough last night that I drank excessively, so I slept in today. I caught up on social media on my phone, sent out funny tweets to a small number of friends that appreciate that from me, and then finally get up to brush my teeth. I am of course careful to listen and time it so that there is minimal chance of an encounter with my youngest sister, with whom I avoid conversation because her probable personality disorder makes for difficult company. I walk from my room across the house to upstairs, where a storage room has been modified to accommodate my studying. Clutter is reportedly bad for studying. Well, it would take a thorough cleaning and there really is not space for the items therein to go elsewhere, so the problem remains.

I had spent hours in the past week literally sitting back, just roiling in anxiety, so today was just an attempt to get back into it after a full week without studying. I begin going through test questions from my last exam, becoming distracted and overwhelmed throughout. Over the course of roughly ten hours, I have completed five questions and watched two or three lectures, each consisting of roughly 20 minutes, though I watch at 1.5x speed. 

One may beg the question at this point, "Where did all the time go?"

Well, I was on social media. I played a game on my phone. I ate food. And I spent time just overwhelmed by anxiety. This level of anxiety is fairly new. It likely arises from a number of factors. I turn 30 in one month, and all of my plans to feel accomplished by that age, some of those plans fairly recent, have been severely impacted. Impacted by my own shortcomings, that of my school, difficulties with my living arrangements, and, of course, by the current global pandemic. And of course, because one does not so easily rid oneself of having a crush on someone, my mind continues to play out one-sided conversations with her about my feelings. And the anxiety overwhelms again with such a clear trigger.

I mean, five months after I first tried once again to register for the exams that will allow me to apply to residency and I still have not been able to register, much less schedule and take the exams.

So when someone casually asks how studying is going, I have to suppress the anxiety that is triggered by memories of constant anxiety without real breaks.

But maybe if I can also bear in mind that all of that anxiety, and the depression, along with all other troubles impacting my psyche, bear in mind that it is actually a joke, then maybe I have a chance. Sure it is a joke on me, but it is also bigger than that. My life is the joke and my fumbling attempt to live it is at least one of the punchlines.

Letting Go of That

I kept thinking about asking her out, about saying whatever, and I was getting so much anxiety over it. Now I am recognizing that as a lack of peace over it. So I am done with that, and maybe if I get a chance to chat with her again one on one, I will tell her about how the only time I was charming and likable around her was when I thought she already had a boyfriend.

Also, I was depressed for most of today. And then I had a migraine with aura. And then the virtual watch party I was hosting had only one attendee, and he was the host, which made it similar to every party I have every day, at least in regard to attendance.

But getting back to that girl. I am letting go of that. Or at least the me of tonight thinks that I am. And let me say, I feel relief at the prospect. Since I look for green lights and not red flags, I also feel relief at having asked God, not received a green light, and then consequently being open to changing plans. I was liking this girl for the right reasons. My mind seemed more pure as a result. But it does not appear to be of God, at least not at this time, and it is therefore the wrong path. And my mood seems to becoming better even now.

Depressive Fatigue

Depression hit again. Somewhere between hitting a mental block with studying on Tuesday, then talking to God about my frustrations during a thunderstorm on Wednesday night, then waking up early this morning to get my air conditioner fixed, I was feeling pretty rough. But I told myself, "At least you are getting your air conditioning fixed!" I dropped my car off and wandered on foot for a couple hours, just talking to God... At first, especially during the thunderstorm, I was asking about that girl, but I am so tired of that question and of school and my car and every other anxiety in my life that appears to have no resolution that today, I just tried asking God what was going on with Him. I am so tired of focusing on myself and my issues. At the end of that walk, the auto mechanic told me that the cost was far greater than originally quoted, and I also needed my tires fixed. I got the tires done at the usual place and then just had to take a minute.

My appetite has decreased. I have a repeating pattern of taking a few practice tests that score progressively lower, then burning out. I just cannot seem to keep up the necessary pace. Some clerical error keeps me from being able to register for the exams for residency applications, which has been a continuous issue for several months.

Today, I had already made excuses to avoid working out, using today as my skip day. But I was feeling so very depressed that I knew I needed something. And then I played Grand Theft Auto with my podcast friends online, bantering along the way. And still, shortly thereafter, I just feel that depression. I yearn to do so much, but it really does feel as if, in addition to my own natural inadequacies, God keeps closing windows and slamming doors.

Here is why I am now getting angry about the whole concept of liking a girl. See, it is easy when you are pretty sure that it is not realistic. Or that she probably is not interested. But like myself, this one is difficult to read. And I do not want to ruin friendship with a romantic thing. So the game plan is to tell her that I am usually trying not to like her romantically, and that I keep asking God about it, but I just need to let her know that she has exceeded my standards. At least, I think so. So take that for the compliment that it is and maybe think and pray about it unless she has made a sure answer. Friendship first, but if she feels similarly towards me, then we can pray and seek counsel on whether dating should happen.

What. A. Chore. Why do people date? Oh right, because no one does it in my way which, in theory, should help one to keep God at the very center of it. Because if you believe that He still speaks to us today, then surely you could approach dating in such a way as to allow Him to speak.

So anyway, I am pissed at this whole dating thing, at the possibilities of either rejection or life partner or ruining it somehow, at school, at this pandemic preventing me from meeting some of my great comedy heroes, at the passage of time, at being alive, at feeling like I have caged limitless potential, of being unable to travel to explore new places. of feeling stagnant, of giving up my creative side for the sake of medicine and the ensuing failures regardless, and I am tired of never getting to live out this fulfilling dream of saving the world. And I am tired of being and feeling smarter than others.