I have this default version of me shaped by a life lived for Christ. I'm kind, friendly, and tend to assume that I am at fault in any given situation. So I live in a negative world even as the force inside me works to be the positive in the midst of it. A dot of white in a seeming swimming sea of darkness.
And I now feel myself growing distant from my friends. This is bound to happen, of course. And the timing is about right for it. I spend all of my years in obedience to become the type of person that God has for me to be, but through all of that, I sacrifice my personal relationships.
I know it seems overdramatic for me to complain about these things when other people have bigger issues. After all, I'm in medical school and I'm still not in debt. That's huge. But because I live in this isolated world, this literal and figurative island, I have become the worst of things: my own biggest problem. At home, some family member always had drama or some issues and it would be a whole thing. At work, we had patients whose problems were obviously bigger than mine, and it was my job to alleviate those problems as I could.
And on the mission field, there was a beautiful world where I could throw everything into it to help these people in need. And most everything I could do was helpful...
But I remain my own biggest problem. When a grade goes down, my world crashes. I'm isolated in my own apartment, my own little world, hoping I can get enough information into my brain to make okay grades on these exams, because I know that I can't do better than okay. With rare exceptions that never make sense, I always just do okay. I hover around the class average, swatted down every time I try to get a peek at life in the A range. I am forever doomed to a life of having a blood type that will always contrast with the grades I can possibly receive (A+). In that sense, at least, I have greatness inside of me.
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