A New Obsession

Well, it has been a week since I heard back about how acting just does not seem realistic for me. I was up all night with the anxiety of thinking that maybe I wasted all of my years in medicine when I could have been acting, just years of potential gone just to be failing at both dreams.

And I was drinking excessively every night since (only managing to finally go sober last night), even as I also visited an open mic standup show and performed karaoke afterward. But at karaoke that night, I sang songs using my head voice that used to intimidate me, and received flattery and praise for every bit of it. This led me to think that maybe I am not as challenged by this anymore. And having watched so many people that night try very amateur's level standup comedy, I began looking up the comedians that I most liked, especially their early stuff, to see what they were like at the start.

Jim Carrey used two specific methods to really set himself apart as far as I could tell from watching some of his stuff, and both methods involved his unique physicality. First, he kicked off a given set using his hypermobile joints to get attention, calling attention to the fact that it was just a cheap trick, then doing it again in an even more exaggerated way. Then he did impressions with his face, made his face contort into a given celebrity. I cannot to the latter, but the former, the big unique physical moves, those are very much in my wheelhouse. And given that I have not been living the comedian lifestyle for the past decade, my workouts and stretching have presumably made my range in these areas greater than Jim's. I still need to research, but it does not appear that anyone else has taken bits like that any further. What if I had actual jokes that incorporated the movements? And true to my own comedic style, what if I downplayed them out loud even as I exaggerated them?

Then we have Steve Martin. Here is a comedian who wrote one of the greatest comedy movies of all time, Three Amigos! and who continues to excel in writing simple yet clever comedy. His early standup, and these were in the early 1970s, it consisted largely of very silly stupid jokes, jokes that I might have thought to use, except that he did it first, so I cannot use them. And the other half of his routine was him playing banjo, sometimes interspersed with a little joke about playing the banjo. His card tricks were similarly just dumb funny things. He made great use of props, one of which would be how he messed up the banjo microphone positioning. These were little things that took moments but helped to set a light tone.

I have watched some standup comedy through the years, but not as much as most other forms of comedy, in part because I do not particularly adore standup comedy. Jerry Seinfeld is regarded by most standup comedians as the absolute best in the business, but I never cared for his approach. This is because he uses words. Just words. As I look at putting together a routine, I do not think I would have a chance as a genius word sayer. But as someone who uses their full body to tell a story? Does voices? Sings? Contorts their body to adapt to my words? This could be my niche.

It looks like many of the comedy festivals of the year have already occurred, or are about to occur. This gives me at least a few months to prepare my routine. Perhaps I am overestimating my abilities here, assuming that I will be the best from the start. But to some degree, I will just be reworking demonstrated skills and talents into a new environment. Surely I am not being pompous in thinking that if I play it right, I can achieve what I am looking to achieve. And of course, as I was writing this, I found a casting call for undiscovered comedy that is targeting those who used to have dreams of doing comedy, but then had to do life instead. So I suppose that I will be writing toward that now.

Heard Back

I finally heard back from my old acting manager. Diversity is a significant enough emphasis currently that they do not think that they can get me much work, but they did say that that could change in six months. Knowing is certainly better than not knowing, but I could not help feeling crestfallen over the news. That, coupled with the hesitant realization that I may not be able to get paid as much as I would like for the jobs to which I am applying, had me up all night with anxiety over what feels like two lost dreams of acting and of practicing medicine. Did I give up my 20s for nothing? What is an education like this even worth if I get stuck at this point in the process? Part of the issue is that even as I apply for jobs like clinical liaison, I do not know if I will even like it. I am sure that I can be good at it, but I did not earn a doctorate just to end up with a job that I dislike.

Medicine is a system that beats you down over and over, and you just hope that you are naturally going to have the stamina to keep pushing on through those beatings until you are able to practice medicine in your preferred setting. Thus far, I have failed in this endeavor. I acquired a title and a resentment toward this broken system coupled with an increasing desire to leave it for something else.

Happiness was never the object, but years of giving up my happiness for the sake of some future patient's health does take its toll. It makes me want so much to just perform, to do what gives me a natural high while feeling like I am honing my craft. But to give credit where it is due, I felt a lot of that same sort of feeling when I wrote and performed that lecture series. It was months of preparation that culminated in an intense week of writing, revising, and performing. If such a thing were paid appropriately, it would potentially be a pretty decently fulfilling long-term gig. But it paid poorly.

I suppose that the important thing for me to do, once again, is to come to terms with my current reality. I was hoping to make six figures, but maybe it is more realistic to assume closer to $80k or $60k. The cost of living is going up, so anything less than $60k would not allow me to spend with any real frivolity, much less build up a nest egg of savings. I need a new laptop. And eye surgery. And to travel the world. And to perform. And invest in the podcast.

So for now, I will have to continue to judge and debate within myself what I am worth. If a job is cushy enough, maybe a lower salary would be fine. In the meantime, I will continue to work on my karaoke and, soon, my standup comedy skills.

Waiting Amidst Honesty

Had a few episodes yesterday in which I felt kind of anxiety attacky, so here I am at a coffee shop to write out my current feelings and frustrations (the type of therapy that I can financially afford). No music is playing on the speakers, which seems strange to me.

It has been over two weeks and I still have not yet heard back from my old manager. Maybe I will call again today. In the meantime, I have been job hunting online. The nature of my education unfortunately leaned heavily toward an in-person experience, whereas the job I want would be remote and part-time, due largely to the fact that I would like to begin acting again.

This brings me to the odd confrontation within myself. Many people will say to do what makes you happy, that if you do what you love, you will never work another day in your life. Most doctors do not seem happy. This path is one of self-sacrifice and then an attempt to make enough money to compensate for the miserable nobility that comes with it. That being said, it is an incredibly fulfilling career. Deep fulfillment and happiness are not always in the same spectrum. So I find myself thinking that maybe, just maybe, I could make an attempt at choosing happiness. Happiness would be to apply myself toward acting, whereas fulfillment would ultimately lay within the confines of completing a residency and then throwing myself into missionary work, helping the less fortunate.

If my old manager responds by saying that I would be a poor candidate for trying the acting thing, then I will likely turn to the role of a clinical liaison. This will likely provide for me a meager helping of fulfillment, since I will at least be using my doctorate to get people some help, and happiness, because it will presumably pay enough for me to fund some of my creative pursuits. But those positions tend to be full-time, which would keep me from the availability that I would want for auditions.

As another option, I can reach out to the plastic surgeon I know, who is doing more filming and production work. And I have the excuse of a number of bottles of scotch for us to sample. I plan to reach out to him regardless, but I wanted to hear back from my old manager first so that I could know my options.

The thing is, I am only going to be this young for so long. I look good in face and body, and that will not last. I gave up my twenties for an education, but maybe I can do something else in my thirties before time runs out. My mind will be similarly capable of doing medicine in a decade, but the rest of me may not be able to act or model.