Relief & Fine Evenings

As difficult as it is to believe, I feel a lot of relief from the news of the other day. It was further helped by a Wednesday night on the town with a close musician friend who happens to be visiting to play some shows. We went to a German place that has das boot, but upon our visit, they had apparently run out of the boots in the small size. Furthermore, shortly after we ordered, the owner let us know that they had been closed for half an hour and that we were not supposed to be served. So we were forced to quickly attempt to down our roughly 1500 milliliters of Kolsch beer. We very nearly managed the attempt. On the way back, we stopped at the bar which had previously had karaoke on Wednesday nights. They had a shortage of KJs for the moment, but we did make a new friend at that bar who also enjoys karaoke, and she left her contact info in the journal for future karaoke adventures. At her recommendation, we also visited another dive bar where she assured me that there would be karaoke that night. There was no karaoke. But the bar did have billiards, which was also an enjoyable game.

This evening, I get to have dinner with family and then see my friend play a show, and hopefully also meet other artsy folks in the area through that show. It is nice to do anything besides deal with my sister and myself in an attempt to remain devoted to my studies. 

Relief From Her

I felt so awful since last night, and all throughout today. That wet blanket of depression was back and for seemingly little reason. And then the girl I liked posted an insta story of a rose that had been delivered to her at work. And the weight felt as if it lifted. Finally I could stop overthinking, practicing how exactly to say what I wanted to say and ask if she liked me back, but also I have kept myself from liking her just in case she would not return the sentiment, and even if she did like me or was open to such an idea, we would need to separately pray about it and seek counsel from God-fearing people, etc. etc.

It really makes you wonder how I have stayed single for all of these years. But also how I have managed to retain most of my close female friends. Anyway, as great of a human as she is, she was very distracting, and perhaps with the knowledge that her affections have been cast elsewhere, I can finally focus properly.

Here is the thing. With her in mind, I knew that I needed to be better. And to some extent, that has been a very helpful thing. She is someone with whom I can share medical jokes/facts and geek out about Bible stuff. And I do not really have that in other people. My main thought recently had been that she exceeds my standards, but I do not think that I meet hers. I started to think that I need to become a doctor just to retain her interest. But I cannot do this doctor thing for her. Nor for any friends or family. This whole journey through medicine is my sacrifice to God, the one that He chose for me, and I need to be willing to give it up to Him at the very moment that He wants me to. Because it is His.

Maybe our timelines and geographical locations and spiritual and emotional states will match up at some point. But that point is obviously not now, and it is frankly relieving. No pressure to make things work in a given time period. Just trusting God.

Trip Cancelled

Well, the trip to SE Asia that I had been planning for two years has been cancelled, or at least postponed. The breaking point was when they changed my flight from a Dallas departure to an Atlanta one. Until this time, I was merely going to delay the flight by a month or so, but that kind of change without my consent was enough for me to just ask for a refund.

Last night, I was hit by depression again. My appetite has been decreasing and I have not been able to make myself study very much. At the moment, I have convinced myself that the girl I liked will not like me in return, which has a poor effect on me mentally. But the alternative of a let down would potentially be worse, and I do not want to risk that. But these things are merely pieces of evidence that my mind churned up after the mood change came on. The depression has not reared its ugly head in such a way for a long while. What is more, this mood change came about after I had had a good workout and a meal with the more stable part of the family.

I feel better at the moment after having coffee and sitting at Starbucks, but not much better. I fear that I have only postponed the eventuality of a depressing feeling. But maybe things will be looking up!

Maybe I just have not properly worked up the nerve, but I did go off alone for a moment to try to yell at God. The tension currently infiltrating my being seems to be pushing for that kind of release, but when I tried, my mind seemed unwilling.

Maybe I am just unwilling to be honest with myself. I should be studying for this exam, but I just keep doing worse the harder I try, in large part because I cannot find appropriate relief when I need it, which is of course because I have lost such connections due to my dedication to this pursuit of medicine. And it does not help that my sister with a personality disorder lives right next to me, and my mornings which were previously peaceful with my biggest hurdle to studying being myself, they are now frequently filled with her arguing on the phone or playing music or any number of focus-inhibiting activities.

I will try to go back to spending the remainder of my day actually studying since I did little to accomplish that thus far today.