The Old Year & Improving On It

In the past, I had a tradition of writing out the history of my year. I would go through enough that such a piece of writing would take multiple posts. I am going to attempt a version of that here.

I began the year with the realization that I had been slacking at the gym. Specifically, I did not have abs. Being without a six-pack is worrisome to me, and made me fret about how time is aging me. So something approaching an unofficial New Years resolution was to do sit-ups every day. Though I have slacked here and there, I can say that I have regained and retained those abs for the most part. The odd thing is that when I was studying, I was far more consistent with the workouts, because it helped me focus. This is despite the fact that when I am buried in studying, I have no reason to have abs. Now that it is useful, it has become more of a chore. And possession of abs truly was useful, particularly when filming the short horror film with my contortionist skills. It was a workout, and if the director's follow up emails of praise were anything to go by, it did the trick.

I went to Scotland to fulfill a bucket list item, visiting Scotch distilleries. I was processing a great many things. My relationship with my father, what if any jobs in medicine were realistic, whether I could get back into show business... And by the end of the trip, I had spent most of the pennies I had pushed together, so I tried for the medical jobs first. One would think that those would be the most realistic, but it turned out that it is tough for unlicensed medical doctors to get good work, except perhaps if I went into sales.

Since the show business questions remained in my mind, I reached out to my old agents and manager. The agents did not respond, but my old manager eventually did, and they told me that with the recent push for diversity, they likely could not get me much work. This was disheartening, and I moped about for a week. Now my prospects in both medicine and acting, the two industries in which I was trained, seemed to be dwindling. But after the sulking period ended, I decided that I would have to make my own way. I would put together some kind of an undeniably good live performance. And as I researched where I would be able to showcase such a thing, I ran across a nationwide casting call for a sketch comedy show. I applied and by whatever chance, a friend of mine was on the casting team. She vouched for me and I was a part of what turned out to be a pilot pitch. At this point, I am pretty sure that it was not picked up, but that situation made me realize that if I were cast, I would want to have a stash of sketches ready. And I learned that on SNL, some of the performers warmed up the crowd with some standup before the show started. All of these factors made me think that I needed to have some material ready, so I began work on that. I also had a night of drunken inspiration in which I wrote a pitch for a show. So on a given free day, I am writing either standup or sketches or that pilot in between auditions.

The most significant turning point came when that same comedian friend helped me get a role as an unpaid featured extra in a comedy show. This was the test that I needed to find out whether I missed the work or just the childhood nostalgia of living in Hollywood. And after around eleven hours of euphoria on set, I was once again hooked on the work, the craft. After thanking everyone who contributed, I spent the next few days posting my info on various casting websites. And shockingly, I booked jobs within a few weeks! This switch was in late October and in these couple months, I have dubbed over three foreign films, played the lead role in one comedic ad, portrayed a cult leader in a British documentary, used my contortionist skills as the bad guy in a short horror film, and played a corrupt chief of police in what might be a big deal of a production. Not to mention the part in a comedy that I have booked in late January.

What do I want to do in the new year? Well, I would like to maintain fitness, but that should be a given. I never make concrete plans, but I also have not felt quite this much freedom to be myself in years. So real goals... I want this pilot I am writing, which bends genres to a degree that feels impossible to do well, to be finished with a draft that I do not hate seeing. I want to like what I have written. With regard to showbiz, well, you cannot predict anything, but I want to have reached out to every connection I made twenty years ago, provided that I have some memory to bring up when I re-introduce myself. This is similarly outside of my power, but I would like to make enough money to be living financially independently. But in terms of what is within my control, I want to try harder at social media. It matters, and the best way to do it is to keep making content. So I just need to be more consistent in doing that.

This is the happiest and most hopeful I have felt in so long. I was so hesitant at first, but I keep getting positive feedback, so I am becoming convinced that I am not kidding myself. I was on a friend's podcast last night and he floated the idea of using his new branding company on me to get a testimonial as they launch. Could be something!

More of this Corrupt Chief of Police...

Yesterday, I reprised my role as a corrupt police chief. We spent the afternoon outside in the cold wind filming a scene involving memorized dialogue, making this the first time since I got back into acting that I actually had to put effort into memorizing a script. And my efforts proved to be crucial, because my scene partner improvised a lot, forcing me to adapt and make sure that we covered the pertinent information from the scene in a way that fit our characters. It was great fun, and, very importantly, it was impressive to the writer/director/creator. I also learned that she had been turning down real sponsors, which in her words was "taking care of my own" and although I do not see how turning down sponsors takes care of us, I surmised that I was indeed counted within that party of care. What we are currently filming will be used for a trailer at SXSW, and the presence of the actors there has been requested. When I asked again if she had any specific dates for it, she began with saying that we would go down there on March 8 or 9, but that our announcement would not be until the middle of the week (around the 15th). I currently find it hard to believe that we will be a big enough deal to merit so much time, but at the worst, my understanding is that I will get lodging paid for in another city for a few days, so that in itself is something. It would certainly be fun to do some press for it.

After we shot that exterior scene, we shot a brief interview about the actors behind the characters. Once again, it all feels presumptuous, but I had a few jokes ready for it that made it hard for the crew to suppress their laughs. Oh, and that was another major change; there was more than just one person in the crew. A sound woman, a cameraman, and his assistant who handled the drone as well.

I will admit now that whatever nostalgia I had felt about acting, that desire remains. But I do not care for auditions anywhere near as much as I did as a child. I obtained this role in the same manner that I obtained my first role as a child actor, through writing. My being a medical doctor was impressive to the creator of the project, enough to earn me the role. With that short horror film I did, my contortionist dance video earned me the role. For that short comedic advertisement I did awhile ago, I got that role just through a pre-recorded video and my history of improvised comedy. I will still be auditioning for roles as I am able, but it would be very nice if this police chief role turned out to be a very big deal that allowed me to skip the audition process in the future.

I just watched the clip from our last shoot with the smaller crew. I cannot stand it, but maybe it will look better when it all comes together as we announce it.

Two Gigs

On Sunday, I portrayed a Texan cult leader for a British documentary. It was neat! But I did not know the history of the situation well enough to be sure about what I was saying when locals at a bar recognized my portrayal, so I mostly kept quiet. The biggest anxiety leading up to the shoot was that the car I would be driving might be a manual transmission. I drove my brother's car a few days before to prepare for such an eventuality, and I would likely have been fine, but my relief was pronounced when I saw that the 1968 Camaro had an automatic transmission. No worries about a clutch in uphill traffic. Aside from the appreciation I had for working with Brits for a day, a great perk of that gig was that it paid $500, the most I have yet made for one day of work since getting back into acting.

Yesterday, I played the role of a corrupt chief of police for the filmed version of a comic book. It paid $15 per hour. It was for the purpose of a trailer, and we plan to shoot again soon. It has reportedly been picked up by a studio, and my appearance at SXSW has been requested for when they announce it. So it is low budget for now, but should go bigger by the fall of next year. And I get to play a very hated lead character. Even in my own writing, I am trying to dig into exploring that broken moral compass, so I look forward to doing so with this other character. I remember being confused when a girl I liked would say that something was right or wrong, and generally it was normal by my understanding, but then was occasionally way off, and it made me question how one's family and outside influences can change one's baseline morality. Right and wrong can sometimes seem fairly black and white for me, and my hope is that when my opinions change, it is based on facts and empathy. But what if one's entire perception is skewed and tainted from the start, so new facts and empathy still result in a twisted view?

Another Acting Gig Booked

I spent Monday and Tuesday a little under four hours away on the set of a short horror film. The set took the form of an Airbnb, the crew was the one writer/director/camera operator, and the cast included three of us, one of whom would not appear on camera. It was a fantastic fortuitous experience in which my contortionist skills were put to good use. Everyone on set was very nice and impressive in their roles. Best of all, the director emphasized that he wanted to keep in touch and collaborate in the future, and he has a specific role in mind for me. And given that he has gotten his work into film festivals in the past, I am cautiously optimistic about what this film could do.

Then I got a message about an audition from a website that I must have found through some social media ad. They preferred my longer hair, but my look was good enough that they booked me anyway. They confirmed with me that I could drive a manual transmission, which was true last I checked... but I obviously need to work on that before the shoot. Two days should be plenty to get my brother to let me take his car out for a spin.

And today, I am supposed to be playing the lead character in what they plan to make into a teaser trailer. I think that it is meant to be a pitch to get more funding. In any case, the shoot was meant to start hours ago and be winding down now, but all I have heard from them is that they are currently shooting and will let me know about my part afterward. So I have just continued working in this coffee shop, waiting for some word about where to go and when the shoot would happen...

Thanksgiving Ups & Downs

Oh what a week it has been. I did not book that bigger commercial, but I did do the smaller one. During the close-ups and other parts where the focus was all on me, the notes were all about coordinating with the camera and not about my facial expressions, so that was encouraging.

I got auditions for two different roles in a western feature, but they gave me a week to submit, and this was the week in which we had to move all of my grandma's things out of her house. I kept assuming that the job would last a couple hours, but the disorganization and sheer amount of items turned the jobs into full-day affairs over and over. And it also required counseling with each party involved, so it was very draining. That being said, the pay was decent. But as I tried working on my lines last night with a few hours to go before the audition deadline, I found myself frustrated not only with the lack of time, but also with the instructions to have a reader. A reader is another person reading lines with you, something that I do not necessarily have. I live with family and my schedule for working on these things tends to be different from theirs. So this week, I traded my chance at a part in a feature film for helping family. That being said, I needed the time to work on the characters because they were both a bit of a stretch for me. So maybe I would not have been cast. But maybe I would have! For that reason, I felt guilty about giving up on it. I am trying to say "yes" to whatever opportunities arise in the world of showbusiness, so I feel the loss. But then again, family did need me.

So despite those setbacks, I am more financial sound than I was a week ago. And because I did not book that commercial, I am able to commit my time and mind more fully to this short horror film that shoots tomorrow. The director and I have talked about it multiple times, and it will involve a decent amount of improv. I must admit that I enjoy these roles that involve zero line memorization, since they basically involve showing up, playing, and then getting paid. For someone who has only been back in the game for  a little over a month, it has been an easy transition back.

Oh, and I was apparently doing my previous auditions wrong. There is a standard recording style for auditions and I was absolutely not doing it. So now I know about that and slating. And my brother's friend has a band and had apparently asked about my standup comedy shows, and when he heard that I had just been writing without any specifics planned, he offered to have me open his show with a five minute set. So now I have to actually pick a good five minutes of what I have written.

Free Modeling & Upcoming Bigger Gig?

Oh what a week. I went to some college friends' art, music, and poetry showcase on Friday, then on Saturday after a lunch with my mom and brother during which they spoke incessantly about me doing medicine (as I was two weeks into focusing on showbusiness instead), I had some free studio photography done to help me with obtaining some updated headshots. I did not like my hair that day, and I also did not care for the stark white background used, but hopefully I will have some decent headshots from it so I do not have to keep sending an explanation of my photo with every audition submission. Was that a run-on sentence? Oh boy. Then on Sunday, I had a shoot that was much more artsy. First was makeup, which involved glops of hair product and prosthetic glue to make me into some sort of woodsy plant type of being, and then it was time in a studio to bring it together. Hopefully it worked. I told my mom that I wished I had a modeling resume from my child acting days, and she said in so many words that I was not nearly as attractive back then. That may be true, but now I have no record of my previous work!

It took a lot of effort, but I did manage to remove most of the vestiges of my role as a plant person, apart from a little bit of hair product that survived both trips into the shower. Normally I would not mind a delay in a return to normalcy, but I had an audition to record for a much better paying role than those for which I had been submitting. I did indeed record the audition, and fairly quickly received a response of "Really great audition! Im passing your audition to production, Ill be in touch very soon. Please hold the dates and let me know if you have any questions." And this of course sounds very much like I booked the gig. If so, I will be shooting in just over two weeks. And we will be shooting all night from 10 pm to 7 am because we will be filming in the grocery store outside of their operating hours, paying $150 for a fitting, $500 for the shoot, and potentially $1,000 if they end up actually running it. The downside? If any other grocery stores come along begging me to be in their ads, I cannot say "yes" for two years. Tragedy.

Writing Amid Coffee Shop Monsoons

It is monsooning outside of this local little coffee shop (known as a star buck). We just got hit with a time change over the weekend, so who knows if the planned workout will happen today. I can jog in rain, but this is enough of a deluge that it would be a bus of struggles. Fortunately, the alternative is to keep writing, which is what I wanted to do anyway. The downside to this is that I have a modeling gig in six days. It is unpaid but will still involve hair, makeup, and a stylist to fix up a creative wardrobe. And if they want my shirt off for it, I would prefer to keep things as tone as I can.

I have made a little more progress on the pilot that I am writing. That being said, I am keeping it low pressure by writing it in the format of a book or essay, and for dialogue or comedy sketch portions, I am allowing myself to just put a prompt for that in parentheticals.

When my somewhat famous friend tried going live for the first time on TikTok recently, she talked a little bit to the comments, but then just let one of the requests join her live, and it was a total stranger. This meant that she could just ask him questions, that she did not have to think of any funny bits. Live videos push your content to the top, so now that is a goal of mine, to get enough followers to be able to go live. With that in mind, I made some new ones over the weekend, as did some of my podcast crew. Some of these auditions specifically want someone who is already doing well on social media, and we have come up with some stuff that I could see going viral.

I am also still working on the standup routine. It is like poetry, going line by line and trying to make cuts, and highlighting parts that need to be rephrased into a better punchline.

… and the rain has stopped. Maybe I will look decent for the photo shoot after all.

Dubbing & Writing

I got another audition, this one for voiceover work for a cruise ship documentary series. Unlike other roles which have been fairly small time, this one would pay $10k. I am not getting my hopes up, especially considering that my home studio setup is not impressing anyone. But if I did make that kind of money, I could up my game and improve my home setup considerably. That being said, this is about practicing and making art. For now, I choose happier poverty over unhappy real job.

I have been far more consistent with my writing habits than I expected myself to be. I try for two hours per day, and often exceed that. A lot of the writing is really editing, but today I had some new material to write for my standup introduction. I had worried about my routine's opener and closer, but I may have found a decent approach to start. And the planned closer is a short standalone thing that matches my ideal style of humor for standup.

I learned from a recording session for a movie dubbing yesterday that I need to be more prepared with voices. I was hired because I demonstrated several distinct voices, but in the moment, when they said, "any voice will work here really" and I tried to churn out a new voice, it was a real struggle. It worked out, and I voiced a lot of people, but I clearly need to practice and mentally (and literally in a document) label the voices so I can always find them again at a moment's notice. That is my homework, but I do feel as though if I can do it, that is the biggest missing piece, basically what would serve as my portfolio. I demonstrated them in a sample demo, but since I improvised for that recording, the voices are not specifically catalogued in my brain like they need to be.

An Audition

At the end of my first week of taking acting seriously, I got auditions for two different parts (lead and supporting) in a short film that is shooting locally. So that is neat! Filling out a current reel is the task at hand, so any little thing is useful. That along with writing. I finally have enough standup material, and it has been long enough since I wrote it that I am finally just working on cutting stuff. With my previous experience having been in academics where more words is the goal, it is a significant transition to just repeat the mantra of "humor is brevity" every time I hesitate on making a cut. The latest comedy writing book I picked up, Poking a Dead Frog, one writer said, "A writer's best friend is the wastebasket" so I have a Google Doc with "Writer's Wastebasket" as the title and paste my beloved favorite cuts into it.

A nice thing about this kind of writing is that I am listening to music as I do it. I have not kept up with new music for years, so it is nice to finally get that dose of relevance going again. I hope that this trend of inspired writing keeps up.

Motivation Dialed Way Up

 It feels like this past week has been absolutely pivotal. 

Being on set was significant. A 20 year gap is a long time between major gigs, and I admittedly was not sure whether I still had "it" in me. For one thing, I was unsure whether I had the same energy levels. Fortunately, it turns out that I remain a cartoon of a person, but now my back muscles notice. For another, I did not know whether I would still be good at it, so the affirmation of both cast and crew, and especially the directors, convinced me that I do in fact have a knack for it. Perhaps most important though, I did not trust myself to know whether it was just some childhood nostalgia or if I would genuinely enjoy that line of work. But after a full day of shooting was done, I struggled to think of a better day of my life in recent memory. It answered some real questions that I was afraid to ask and clarified some unknowns.

Previous to this, I was having depressive symptoms. I thought I might just be kidding myself and felt as though I had no way in, so along with general depressive thoughts and feelings, I was also sleeping into the afternoon, because why wake up any earlier? Life costs money (breakfast!) and is a big leap from being what I particularly want to live, so just sleep through whatever I can. Apart from a scotch tasting with friends from the set of that show, I have not had alcohol in a couple weeks. I am not holding myself too strictly to anything with that though.

At the standup writing workshop on Tuesday, I told the host that I had something new, and he said that it is probably time for me to start working on stuff that I already have so that I do not just have a pile of second drafts of jokes. Part of my reasoning so far is that I wanted to have some time separating present me from the past me that wrote them, but I can now try to put things together and make the big mean cuts.

Wednesday night, I participated in a screenwriter pitch practice meeting online. It was very good for gaining insights into what pitches can look like, along with what works and what does not. And they reminded us that NaNoWriMo is almost upon us, so perhaps this would be a good time to become more disciplined in the writing. My script has a pitch and a starting point, but not much more, in part because I imagined having a writing group to fill in some gaps. But those would merely be gaps, so I might as well get on with it.

Thursday (yesterday), I was paid to do voice acting for the first time. I did the voice work for the lead characters in two horror films. The second had quite a few profanities, which I refrain from using even in my head, but if it sounded strange out of my mouth, I was not corrected. When I asked for feedback after the session, he booked me again for next week (and said that he would have me do more characters within a given movie) and also gave me another contact for more work, letting me know that I should name drop for the session that we just did. I had asked a voice actor friend about it beforehand, and he had told me to ask for above minimum wage, something in the realm of $10-$12 per hour, but my pay came out to something closer to $15-$16 per hour with a few hours of work. And the best part? It was some fun work.

Then my friend who shot and was to edit the lecture series that I wrote and performed last year got back to me. The developer for their website had apparently been cheating them and doing a terrible job, so after a significant loan, he said that they are "really" six months away from finishing it. And he said that he will be sending me any clips that stand out. So that is nice. I wrote a whole lot of jokes for that, and I believe it to likely be the best of its kind on the market in terms of the combination of practical medical content and entertainment. That plus my scenes from this past weekend will hopefully add up to a decent reel, though I can also fill it in with child actor and student film stuff if necessary. Apart from that, the biggest need will be new headshots since I had my pandemic hair cut. But I am still submitting for auditions with what I have, and just leaving a note for casting to let them know about the hair. My resume fortunately looks impressive, perhaps even if you do not ignore the more dated work. Having said that, the only audition opportunity I have received since I started submitting this week was for an online improv group thing, and I backed out of that once I realized that it was most likely not going to be a legitimate paying gig.

The Absolute Best Time

I drove to Austin to play the role of bartender in this show. I had tried asking my friends in the cast what the show was about, but they did not even attempt an answer. They did, however, mention that there was a lot of improvisation. So I showed up to set and pitched a few ideas to one of the directors, who was a little dismissive of them at first, saying that I was mostly there for some over the shoulder shots as I poured drinks. But then we started shooting and a new comedian friend I had met the night before was playing opposite me and asked me a question. Bear in mind that I was told nothing about this, but I knew that questions are often answered, so I improvised something and they liked it enough that the director eventually said things like, "does he have a mic on?" (the sound guy assured me that the boom caught all of my stuff) and "do a shot of London. He's earned it" and then brought back one of my ideas and had me do it, a physical bit with my face that I assume others cannot do.

The shoot lasted a long while. My scene was technically maybe eight or nine hours long, give or take. Lots of physical comedy and stunts, with me reacting to it. And in between takes, I was dancing around and having fun. Other (paid) actors let me know that I could stop, and when my part was finished, that I could leave, but I had to tell them that this was the best time for me. I had not been on a proper set in 20 years and it was just my favorite thing. I felt so happy and fulfilled and thrilled at how it all went. I earned my place there. I improvised with famous people and did well. The cast and crew were all very kind and a lot of us added each other on social media, exchanging numbers too. 

One of the directors later told me that our dialogue created a new scene, but I was perfect for the role. I gushed my thanks to them before leaving, and reiterated that I am a drive rather than a plane ride away. Easier to get. And I sent my contortionist video around.

I also learned about another showbiz audition website, which was how the lead in the show had been cast, and I made sure to sign up for that. I was not sure if I was kidding myself with a childhood dream about comedy and showbiz, but that really was the best feeling.

Restive

The budget is tight, but after receiving no response from agents nor managers regarding voice talent work, I forked over $100 for a year membership with Backstage with the hope that I may find some gigs there. 

I have been feeling restless lately. Some depression too, but mostly this restive anxiety keeps settling in. I want to write more, but my lack of defined goals in the short or long term leave me feeling somewhat paralyzed. And of course, most weeks, I am working on something in a livestreamed standup comedy workshop. I just feel as though I keep casting these nets and hoping that something somehow catches.

Last weekend, I reconnected with the writer/director/lead actor of my first feature film. He was very kind and responsive, giving me many details about his current projects. I played the young version of him, so he described receiving my email as a refreshing trip to the past that came at a rough time. He also mentioned that he had sent a pilot pitch to Disney and it was now in the fourth month of waiting to hear back. I hope that such a wait time is normal for a pilot that will be greenlit, because I too have been waiting a similar amount of time to hear back about that sketch comedy show.

My slightly famous comedian friend is visiting Austin for a shoot, and when I asked if she would have time to hang out, she said no, but if I wanted to, I could play the role of a bartender and we could then hang out on set. This was on the list of secret agendas I had had with regard to visiting with her anyway, so I of course accepted the offer. So that is supposed to happen on Friday.

I feel as though I am Groundhog Daying it. I read testimonials from patients with Long Covid and it leads me to think that this long-term relative isolation is okay, that it is justified. Even if I had money, going out and spending it on social activities would be risking chronic respiratory, cardiovascular, and neurological disease. That being said, it is very easy to revert to alcoholic tendencies. What is the difference between the sober nights and drunk ones? In the former, anxiety can take over and I can dream of uncomfortable realities such as how I feel about my family, especially my father. But when I am drunk, I just watch a movie and, occasionally, become inspired to write something.

I spent so much of my life with something to aim for, a direction to throw myself. Now, I feel caught outside of my previous aspirations. One comfort in that regard is that if I suddenly had no worries about money, I am fairly certain that I would not feel fulfilled. I would still likely work on writing, but then I would have the means to write for what I want to do. A comedic one-man show, the podcast, the television show for which I currently just have a pitch and a scene written, and hopefully more travel-inspired content would all be on the list of creative tasks demanded by my work ethic.

But alas, for now, I just try to read, write, perform, and get paid.

Lil' Thought

Brief thought: Is it healthier to live life without religion, with the concept of this limited mortal life being one's only chance at giving this existence a go? When I felt much more solid in my faith, I trusted more, perhaps to the detriment of the world and people around me. A healthy distrust may have made me more appropriately discerning.

Less brief thought: My slightly famous comedian friend got me a little unpaid acting gig next week. 

New Avenues and Writing

In that last post, I referenced the fun I had in Waco. The next night, I went to a networking event with a film contest hosted by the director who worked with me twenty years ago to make my own short film. That night, after he and I had caught up a little bit, I was asking his boyfriend about his work in adapting foreign films for English-speaking audiences, and he mentioned the need for voices. I said that I do voices, and he asked me to demonstrate. So I did Mickey Mouse, Rocky and Bullwinkle, and some original voices as well. He immediately asked me to send him a one-minute demo of that plus some lower pitch voices, and said that he likely had work for me if I wanted. I naturally gave the affirmative, recorded the demo the next day, and sent it to him. Then a week later, I asked for feedback (especially critical feedback), but he assured me that the demo was solid and he would contact me when he needed to cast something. Given that it took so relatively little to impress him, I then sent that voice demo to a local talent agency. You see, I have delayed trying to really get into acting in part because they all want a reel of your work, and most of my work was either done a decade ago, online through twitch or the podcast, or is still in post-production, in the case of that lecture series I did. Since I am also approaching the point of roughly six months since I had heard from my old manager in Burbank, I also gave him an update that included the voice talent demo.

If I have some talent in voice work, as it appears, then that would be a dream gig. Just record wherever I go in the world. As tolerable as it is to donate plasma twice a week for my money, the pay for that has gone down, and though the scars from it are small, they are still scars both on the skin and within the blood vessels.

I have been staying true to my word to myself by reading books while donating plasma. It has been insightful, but my latest and current read of Poking a Dead Frog was at the top of many humorous book recommendation lists, in part because the contents range from general knowledge to very specific advice. So far, the comforting advice regarding how to become a better writer has consistently been to write more (or possibly to go live life in order to have experience from which to draw). And in the last passage I read, an interview with Mike Shur (showrunner of Parks & Rec), he went further to say that you can never really coast, that your best work from two years ago may seem terrible to you now. This makes sense to me. Another writer recommended finding a writing partner for writing scripts, in part because you need someone to be critical of your stuff, but also just because you can generally learn from each other. I am barely into the book, but they have also discussed the two-dimensional nature of characters in sketches vs the three-dimensional versions of characters in shows, and how certain funny jokes simply do not work for a character with depth and longevity.

Anyway I need to write more. I am falling into the same issue that I think (or at least hope) plagues many writers, that I enjoy coming up with new pitches far more than I prefer to work on existing ones. This is why my podcast is so nice, because it is a weekly exercise in coming up with and throwing away material. But a lot of writing involves adding and refining content in multiple drafts. And without a specific goal in mind, the accountability is lacking, which can lead me to become lazy in my approach. The nice thing about blogging like this is that it is finally becoming the easier writing compared to my "homework" of writing standup, humorous essays, a pilot pitch, or a spec script.

Found An Aim

Yesterday, I made the drive to Waco to visit my somewhat famous standup comic friend. And what a pleasure it was. We got drinks with her cousin and cousin's boyfriend, then I offered to drive her so she would not have to worry about paying up for a rideshare app. And, of course, to hang out a little. She had been on my podcast multiple times and we had both workshopped each other's standup comic material, so once in while she would just be commenting on how it was weird that we had not met before, since we were able to skip any awkward getting to know each other aspects of meeting in person.

So I drove her the few miles to the show and she introduced me to the booker and the venue manager as her comedian friend, which gave me a lot of points from the start. All of the comics were great, but she in particular was clearly the experienced headliner, despite her anxieties about it. And since she keeps her comedy clean and dislikes doing crowd-work, it gave me a real idea of how to aim my writing. Right after she finished her set, the venue manager turned to me and asked "you're a standup in Dallas?" and I responded in the affirmative with full knowledge that my standup experience thus far was bombing a week ago at an open mic, that my credibility was based on my friend's fantastic performance, and perhaps a little on my own conversational jokes. That standup friend told me afterward that the booker would probably put me in all of his shows.

So now I have to get good. Fortunately, this was a great learning experience. I am no longer so desperate to pull jokes on the audience now that I am borrowing from my friend's creditability.

Aiming Myself

It only took a few days and an industrial volume of whiskey, but I have finally gotten past my frustrated anger that plagued me after that open mic. My shortcut is not likely to be found in the setting of normal standup comedy, but I had to remind myself that I had not been writing to that anyway. I have a longer set in mind, largely inspired by Steve Martin's standup set. An extensive anthology of 1-5 minute silly jokes.

Months ago, when I first let my mind think of doing this, I had the rare feeling in me that I could really make something exceptional. I felt fully capable, and continue to feel that way. So really, the task at hand is relatively unchanged, except that now I know that my stage presence will need much more rehearsal, since I had not been on stage with a memorized script like that in something like a decade. And it showed. But now I know! And now I also know that I should expect minimal appreciation from the crowd at open mics, which means that I can likely practice and get a recording of my best stuff without being worried about having it stolen.

So the task at hand remains unchanged. Write more. Get more disciplined with writing while I still have the gift of too much time on my hands. And when I have enough written, I will hopefully be able to find a venue at which to aim myself and my act.

That being said, I did send out a few more job applications over the weekend. As much as I would like to rely on donating my plasma to pay bills for the rest of my life, I think that I would prefer a more engaging job. Or for my investments to pay off. 

Tried Standup. Frustrated.

I finally tried performing standup. I got laughs, but mostly at my least favorite jokes. When I asked for feedback from the comic who has been helping me learn to write standup, he informed me that the average standup audience requires far more honesty than the little bit that I included in my set. This has been a significant struggle with me from the beginning because when I write, I typically write to what I would want to see and hear, and honesty does not make my list of desired traits in a performance. This is of course why I had little interest in standup prior to four months ago, when I viewed it as a means to skip steps in becoming famous in comedy.

Regarding the actual performance, it had been awhile since I had been on stage reciting memorized material. That coupled with the fact that I had no opportunity to rehearse with the equipment available made my delivery worse than it might otherwise have been. That being said, I did fine, and it taught me that I do not need to do the usual standup comic thing of going on stage a million times before I know what works (or to get used to the stage in general). I can write funny material before going up. My big struggle is the willingness to write standup jokes with real honesty. That being said, when I was struggling with the anger of a lackluster job situation and seeing no path forward with the comedy, those vexed thoughts were interrupted by more honest joke ideas.

I spent so much time in med school normalizing myself because that is what brings patients comfort in the midst of difficult times. And my hope regarding standup comedy was that I can be more of what I view as an authentic version of myself, but since my authenticity is absurd, that translates to an absurdist rather than authentic form of comedy.

The writing is a rewarding process in itself, but I still want to find a way to make a profit off of this stuff! This week, I should at least get some data regarding my investments. The CEO certainly made it sound like recent moves should change the game, but we will just have to see.

In six days, I have plans to see my somewhat famous standup buddy. She has expressed some similar ideas regarding what she would want to do with her act, and she has also performed a successful one-person show before, which was well-received. So maybe she will have insights.

I am still frustrated. The angry thoughts are still here. The only jobs I can think to try for without feeling like I am compromising myself do not want me, and the others are sales jobs that do not pay as well and, frankly, also do not want me. My friends without degrees are making more money than I can hope to when I start, and a part of me also does not want to start a salary job because if the previously-mentioned investment does pay off in the short term, then I will be quitting. And I commit hard to my work, so I feel compromised in knowing how temperamental such a commitment could be. But then again, maybe that is a stupid feeling since I am betting on a black swan event with my investments.

Looking forward, I remain too poor to make it in either medicine or comedy. I need to write more, not only for the practice, but also because that is what I can afford to show for my time and talent while on a budget.

Comedy With No Deadline

I have at least two jokes that are relatively complete and very much in the vein of ones that I would love to be known for, along with another one that has the right punchline but needs a lot of work on the setup. Perhaps because of my weekly improvised comedy, I am hesitant to actually perform these before there is significant reason to do so. With no deadline, I have just been editing and tweaking what I have. Most standups seem to require stage time to know what is funny, to gauge a response. For whatever reason, I am pretty sure about whether and to what degree my written jokes are funny without requiring an audience's laughter. Furthermore, as I learned from Steve Martin, even when your material is at its best, the rule of thirds applies. A third of the time, the crowd will be great, a third terrible, and a third okay. In my mind, that releases me from having to worry about how they will react, and instead trust my own writing and ability to perform.

I recently received an update from my friend who was on the casting team for that comedy show. The update that she relayed from the head of casting is that there has been no news whatsoever regarding that show. Was it a failed pitch? Are they just finalizing details before letting us know that it's officially going to happen? Both possibilities appear to be equally likely.

As far as the standup goes, the vague goal that I have in mind is something like the 45 minutes that Steve Martin did at the peak of his standup. Granted, he said in his book that he had four hours of material in total, but given how hard it is to come up with a few minutes, and the fact that performing standup is in my mind more of a stepping stone than an actual goal, 45 minutes is what I am hoping to put together. Steve Martin's act also consisted primarily of a whole lot of small bits and physicalities rather than anything prolonged, and a lot of that was dependent upon the audience buying into the character that he was doing. I recently went to see Tim Heidecker's show, which consisted of 25 minutes of him doing a character that is a bad standup, then basically a small concert with his more genuine music. He too was heavily reliant upon the audience buying into and joining in with his character. People who likely lean very far left in their politics but for the sake of the show would yell out angrily about cancel culture and such. This allowed the audience to become a part of the show. The character was funny, but a significant amount of the reason why it worked so well was because the audience was thoroughly a part of it. In my mind, I much prefer the idea of just doing the show regardless of who or what the audience is, but should I be thinking more in that alternative way? It is certainly something worth a ponder, or possibly two.

Short Hair & Revisiting Jokes

I got a significantly shorter haircut and it rained today. Some of my simpler yet prevailing excuses for not attempting standup comedy at this point is the point are that neither my choice of attire nor my hair were appropriate for the present times. It has been too hot to begin to fathom the notion of sleeves upon my body, much less the addition of a blazer, despite the fact that these open mics have, in my experience thus far, had their climate well under control. And as for the hair, I did not like the thought of such a thing continue to carry inertia after I do a physical bit. In my mind, this would become something requiring potential manual correction, which I imagine would have an undesired impact on my delivery.

Despite his many deliberate pushes toward cancellation, I greatly admire John Mulaney's tendency toward being well-dressed for his performances. I appreciated this about Steve Martin as well. In Steve's case, he wore the three-piece suit because the vest prevented his shirt from becoming noticeably untucked. In my case, I want to be well-dressed enough that it will be that much more surprising when I throw my body around for a slapstick gag. And though Steve Martin began with longer hair, his most successful look adapted to the times with a fairly conservative cut.

I had not thoroughly gone through my fully written joke notes for a month or two because I wanted to see them with fresh eyes, and sure enough, I revisited them today and was very pleased. I made some additional edits, but I think that it is about time to work on memorization. So the process will be memorization, then performing on video with a microphone in hand, then revising as needed until I feel good about doing it on stage.

Hope Upon Return

Shortly after I made the journey back to the States from that Costa Rican journey, I ran across an advertisement for donating plasma. This reminded me of a friend I had known in high school and college who had boasted about how much money he had been making through such donations, so I drove to the donation center and made $125 by donating to a good cause of manufacturing life-saving medications as well as to further line the pockets of great profits of big pharma. As I write this, I have recently made my second donation, which took roughly an hour of my time and caused me to drive into town. Prior to the discovery of giving plasma, I had ruled out the possibility of visiting the big standup comedy club's open mic anymore. But with this budget increase, I can make these visits once again. Furthermore, I can also consider attending the weekend ones that come with a price tag and more tried and true performers.

Also upon my return to this country, I asked my friend in casting about that comedy show. It turns out that rather than simply being a show audition, I was one of around 30 comics who helped to serve as a pitch to try to get a show on the air. The host that they have attached is a big enough deal that it certainly stands a good chance of making it, but these things can take time.

Because of this and because of the perspective granted from time spent away, my current goals have switched toward putting together my own comedy show to enter into festivals, and also to read and learn for fun just like I always promised myself I would back when I graduated from college. I have already been making good on this pledge by dedicating my plasma donation time to reading Born Standing Up by Steve Martin. And may I say, it is so nice to just be reading again. No medical texts, no vague pressure or guilt regarding time not spent studying for a giant exam looming someday in the future. Just reading book to learn and enjoy.

The Costa Rican Reset

I am nearing the end of this trip to Costa Rica. Despite how much it feels like God intervened on my behalf at the last minute to give me this wonderful gift of a visit to Central America and exposure to these impressive rainforests, along with having my teeth made into beautiful specimens that are ready for 4k television cameras, I am hesitant to become too hopeful. It is nearing on two months since I applied to be on that comedy show, and I have yet to hear back. And despite how lovely this trip has been, it has also drained my wallet, though it is perhaps debatable whether I would have spent more at home. So when I get back to the States, I will be asking my friend if no news from the show means good news, bad news, or no news. Because beyond that board review gig that added a little recent padding to my bank account, I am lacking in new opportunities to make money.

That being said, I am reinvigorated in the writing process. I realized today that since I am unsure about how I would deliver some of my preferred jokes in a standup comedy form, I should endeavor to write those into a song. I view songs as cheat codes to beat the exchange rate of "honesty dollars", which is important for me as someone who absolutely does not wish to pay up when I am on stage. Steve Martin beat the exchange rate by simply being a made up caricature of himself, something quite fake but still endearing to the audience.

This waiting period has also allowed me to work on my show pitches. A dream show would involve my tour guide character doing a tour of the world, but I am still having to think through how to fill that out as a concept. The podcast could translate into a parody on the Dr. Oz show, with the funniest underlying part being that unlike on his show, mine would have a real medical lesson.

Travel has given my mind a healthy reset, perhaps even more so because my schedule revolved around making sure that my grandma fared well throughout our time here. Between her medications and her need to have her American food fix, she can be a tad demanding, but this is obviously a small price to pay for a free trip such as this. And although this prevented me from working on reflecting like I normally have in the past during a trip, I am also not sure that I would have done so at this point. After all, my future employment is very much in question. I do not know what I will be doing with my life. Until March of this year, I had subconsciously held out hope that I could still make it in medicine, but for a myriad of reasons, I do not see that happening. With that in mind, I recognize that if I do not land this show, or find some other work through old acting connections, I may need to compromise after giving up my 20s for this education. I am hoping to stop or at least delay this eventuality, but we will just have to see.

A couple months ago, I was basically vomiting anecdotes and joke ideas. Now I can come back from this trip and begin the more precise and specific work of fine-tuning my wording, along with working out segues and transitions between different parts of the act. Because even if my plan is not to perform standup comedy in a traditional way, it is always smart to have something ready if an opportunity presents itself.

Putting It Away For The Moment

Yesterday, I was hit by the memory of doing some of my weird body tricks with kiddos in some rural parts of developing nations. It was sad because I realize that if I give up on the dream of being a medical missionary, that aspect of my skillset would be used less frequently. But I need to hear the advice that I have given to others, that that dream is not necessarily dead; it is put away for now. Some people do not practice medicine until they are middle-aged.

It is just scary for the moment because I find myself with limited funds, which of course gives me a sort of deadline. If the comedy show does happen, I will presumably be okay in the short term, and perhaps also in the long term. If the comedy show does not happen, I will have to go back to writing my comedy routine to enter it into festivals and competitions. But in that case, money will likely run out and I will have to simultaneously attempt to find work.

When I graduated from college almost a decade ago, I told myself that with my newfound time and freedom, I would get back to reading and writing for fun, and to study and work on improving and expanding my dance routine. But then I got caught up with studying for the MCAT, and then with work, and then with trying to prepare myself for medical school. Then after graduating, I still felt singularly focused on trying to pass that Step 2 exam, which in my mind required an exclusion of other pursuits. However, I recently opened up my YouTube account that is filled with dancing video recommendations. And I am once again studying dance moves that I would like to try to incorporate into some sort of a routine. For the comedy things, I am having to dig back into my more free-feeling self, the version of me in college that dealt with social anxiety by being so quirky that it gave people around me some degree of anxiety. That version of myself has barely had a chance to breathe since I committed so hard to this medical professional character, but what if it could have another chance?

People talk about doing what makes them happy. I have never believed in this as a goal. Happiness is fleeting and only one doctor I know sounded genuinely happy about his job. Yet when I did that teaching job, I was genuinely about as happy and fulfilled as I know how to be with a piece of work. I had some guidance, but also a lot of creative control, a great many chances to make it my own in an engaging manner. The months of preparation were terrible, but the week of performing, writing, and editing on repeat every day was incredibly satisfying on a number of levels. After all, what other doctors would incorporate sketches into a lecture series? All that to say that if I cannot practice medicine, I might as well attempt to find that feeling again. The more of my talents and skill that are put to use, the better I feel.

Burnt Out To Costa Rica

My efforts at writing have burnt out a little bit. For a time, it was like I was taking amphetamines every day, just so excited to try this new medium. And I do think that I have some very good original material now. But then I checked my bank account and found that I am poor, and I have yet to hear back about that show, so that initial direction of being prepared for anything feels a bit too broad to generate real discipline.

Fortunately, my mother called me last week to tell me that my grandmother had just been horrified at the price quoted to her by her dentist for some work they want to do. So my mother recommended that I meet up with said grandmother and see if I can use her air miles to get both of us to join my mother on a trip that she already had planned to Costa Rica for some less expensive dental work. We booked the flight and then grandmother's passport had been expired for nine years, so we had to try to get the passport expedited for this flight that would leave in 13 days. Unfortunately, this is the high season, so the earliest available appointments were for the day of our flight, and it would take ten days from that to get the passport. This led to one night of being very unsure about how and whether we would be able to do the trip, but the following day, I called in directly and the passport office happened to have an appointment available a week before our flight. Of course, the appointment was in Colorado, but it ended up being realistic. 

All that to say that I will be in Costa Rica next week. Hopefully I will also have news of that show by then, but either way, at least I have something to show for my upcoming birthday.

Finding One's (Comedic) Voice

Still waiting to hear back about that casting call, but I also know that these things take time. As I wait to hear back about that, my focus is on finding my voice for open mic nights. I have attended each of these livestreamed standup comedy workshops that I could thus far, absorbing everything I could, but I now have the more arduous task of transforming these jokes into my own style of storytelling. This is in part because I do not care for the traditional standup comedy format. Every instinct in me wants to parody this, to somehow satirize it. Additionally, there is my physicality that I just have not used for so long. In my undergraduate days, I did slapstick comedy constantly, trained myself to do the types of physical bits that might have been performed on a Vaudeville stage, but I did for no particular audience aside from whoever may be nearby.

These comedy workshops have been great for brainstorming and for coming up with bits to mix in, but I am ultimately thinking that the standard style of doing joke after joke after joke is boring to me. Comedic storytelling with underlying physical bits and odd mannerisms is far closer to what I am looking to do. Today's study was of these types of bits, where the comedian in question does not say a word. I like (and have practiced) the approach of being surprised and confused by my various body parts and their movements and actions. Hands, feet, arms, and legs, torso, all of these can go in unexpected directions that, by my facial expression, apparently take me off guard.

The other element that I have been looking into is guitar. My grandma gave me hers. I only know a few chords, but that may be enough for comedic use of the guitar. Write a simple song or just play a few background notes to set the mood.

Tomorrow, I plan to go and see more standup comedy after attending a happy hour aimed at those like myself who are academically advanced health professionals.

That Casting Call...

Well, on the night that I wrote my last post, I learned that a comedian friend is on the casting team for that comedy show. So by the next night, I had sent in an application. And then I had a few days to prepare for her to interview me. And since that interview, I have been sending them clips as requested to highlight my comedic skills. It feels crazy, because I went through such a similar interview process before for a singing show two years ago, but this time, I am not pretending to be a good singer. I am specifically being my own self, someone who is striving to combine medicine and comedy, in large part because it feels like a waste to leave either behind.

My chances of getting on the show sound good. So instead of job hunting, I am shifting my next "responsible task" to cultivating some comedic bits to have in my back pocket just in case. I practice improvisation every week, but it is best to rely on something in which you are confident, then add to that as needed.

To some extent, I am hesitant to get my hopes up. But I once again have some advantages in this, and it would actually showcase me specifically in what I would consider to be a more authentic form of myself. Comedy, medicine, entertainment, and a myriad of life experiences all blended into whatever I am.

A New Obsession

Well, it has been a week since I heard back about how acting just does not seem realistic for me. I was up all night with the anxiety of thinking that maybe I wasted all of my years in medicine when I could have been acting, just years of potential gone just to be failing at both dreams.

And I was drinking excessively every night since (only managing to finally go sober last night), even as I also visited an open mic standup show and performed karaoke afterward. But at karaoke that night, I sang songs using my head voice that used to intimidate me, and received flattery and praise for every bit of it. This led me to think that maybe I am not as challenged by this anymore. And having watched so many people that night try very amateur's level standup comedy, I began looking up the comedians that I most liked, especially their early stuff, to see what they were like at the start.

Jim Carrey used two specific methods to really set himself apart as far as I could tell from watching some of his stuff, and both methods involved his unique physicality. First, he kicked off a given set using his hypermobile joints to get attention, calling attention to the fact that it was just a cheap trick, then doing it again in an even more exaggerated way. Then he did impressions with his face, made his face contort into a given celebrity. I cannot to the latter, but the former, the big unique physical moves, those are very much in my wheelhouse. And given that I have not been living the comedian lifestyle for the past decade, my workouts and stretching have presumably made my range in these areas greater than Jim's. I still need to research, but it does not appear that anyone else has taken bits like that any further. What if I had actual jokes that incorporated the movements? And true to my own comedic style, what if I downplayed them out loud even as I exaggerated them?

Then we have Steve Martin. Here is a comedian who wrote one of the greatest comedy movies of all time, Three Amigos! and who continues to excel in writing simple yet clever comedy. His early standup, and these were in the early 1970s, it consisted largely of very silly stupid jokes, jokes that I might have thought to use, except that he did it first, so I cannot use them. And the other half of his routine was him playing banjo, sometimes interspersed with a little joke about playing the banjo. His card tricks were similarly just dumb funny things. He made great use of props, one of which would be how he messed up the banjo microphone positioning. These were little things that took moments but helped to set a light tone.

I have watched some standup comedy through the years, but not as much as most other forms of comedy, in part because I do not particularly adore standup comedy. Jerry Seinfeld is regarded by most standup comedians as the absolute best in the business, but I never cared for his approach. This is because he uses words. Just words. As I look at putting together a routine, I do not think I would have a chance as a genius word sayer. But as someone who uses their full body to tell a story? Does voices? Sings? Contorts their body to adapt to my words? This could be my niche.

It looks like many of the comedy festivals of the year have already occurred, or are about to occur. This gives me at least a few months to prepare my routine. Perhaps I am overestimating my abilities here, assuming that I will be the best from the start. But to some degree, I will just be reworking demonstrated skills and talents into a new environment. Surely I am not being pompous in thinking that if I play it right, I can achieve what I am looking to achieve. And of course, as I was writing this, I found a casting call for undiscovered comedy that is targeting those who used to have dreams of doing comedy, but then had to do life instead. So I suppose that I will be writing toward that now.

Heard Back

I finally heard back from my old acting manager. Diversity is a significant enough emphasis currently that they do not think that they can get me much work, but they did say that that could change in six months. Knowing is certainly better than not knowing, but I could not help feeling crestfallen over the news. That, coupled with the hesitant realization that I may not be able to get paid as much as I would like for the jobs to which I am applying, had me up all night with anxiety over what feels like two lost dreams of acting and of practicing medicine. Did I give up my 20s for nothing? What is an education like this even worth if I get stuck at this point in the process? Part of the issue is that even as I apply for jobs like clinical liaison, I do not know if I will even like it. I am sure that I can be good at it, but I did not earn a doctorate just to end up with a job that I dislike.

Medicine is a system that beats you down over and over, and you just hope that you are naturally going to have the stamina to keep pushing on through those beatings until you are able to practice medicine in your preferred setting. Thus far, I have failed in this endeavor. I acquired a title and a resentment toward this broken system coupled with an increasing desire to leave it for something else.

Happiness was never the object, but years of giving up my happiness for the sake of some future patient's health does take its toll. It makes me want so much to just perform, to do what gives me a natural high while feeling like I am honing my craft. But to give credit where it is due, I felt a lot of that same sort of feeling when I wrote and performed that lecture series. It was months of preparation that culminated in an intense week of writing, revising, and performing. If such a thing were paid appropriately, it would potentially be a pretty decently fulfilling long-term gig. But it paid poorly.

I suppose that the important thing for me to do, once again, is to come to terms with my current reality. I was hoping to make six figures, but maybe it is more realistic to assume closer to $80k or $60k. The cost of living is going up, so anything less than $60k would not allow me to spend with any real frivolity, much less build up a nest egg of savings. I need a new laptop. And eye surgery. And to travel the world. And to perform. And invest in the podcast.

So for now, I will have to continue to judge and debate within myself what I am worth. If a job is cushy enough, maybe a lower salary would be fine. In the meantime, I will continue to work on my karaoke and, soon, my standup comedy skills.

Waiting Amidst Honesty

Had a few episodes yesterday in which I felt kind of anxiety attacky, so here I am at a coffee shop to write out my current feelings and frustrations (the type of therapy that I can financially afford). No music is playing on the speakers, which seems strange to me.

It has been over two weeks and I still have not yet heard back from my old manager. Maybe I will call again today. In the meantime, I have been job hunting online. The nature of my education unfortunately leaned heavily toward an in-person experience, whereas the job I want would be remote and part-time, due largely to the fact that I would like to begin acting again.

This brings me to the odd confrontation within myself. Many people will say to do what makes you happy, that if you do what you love, you will never work another day in your life. Most doctors do not seem happy. This path is one of self-sacrifice and then an attempt to make enough money to compensate for the miserable nobility that comes with it. That being said, it is an incredibly fulfilling career. Deep fulfillment and happiness are not always in the same spectrum. So I find myself thinking that maybe, just maybe, I could make an attempt at choosing happiness. Happiness would be to apply myself toward acting, whereas fulfillment would ultimately lay within the confines of completing a residency and then throwing myself into missionary work, helping the less fortunate.

If my old manager responds by saying that I would be a poor candidate for trying the acting thing, then I will likely turn to the role of a clinical liaison. This will likely provide for me a meager helping of fulfillment, since I will at least be using my doctorate to get people some help, and happiness, because it will presumably pay enough for me to fund some of my creative pursuits. But those positions tend to be full-time, which would keep me from the availability that I would want for auditions.

As another option, I can reach out to the plastic surgeon I know, who is doing more filming and production work. And I have the excuse of a number of bottles of scotch for us to sample. I plan to reach out to him regardless, but I wanted to hear back from my old manager first so that I could know my options.

The thing is, I am only going to be this young for so long. I look good in face and body, and that will not last. I gave up my twenties for an education, but maybe I can do something else in my thirties before time runs out. My mind will be similarly capable of doing medicine in a decade, but the rest of me may not be able to act or model.

Still Waiting to Hear Back

I sent that email to my old manager in Burbank two weeks ago and have yet to hear back. I called this past Friday to inquire whether a lack of response implies a lack of interest, but the woman who answered assured me that I should "give him time", that my old manager had been out of the office. In light of this, I have begun to think in terms of what forms of employment would work well with a venture back into the entertainment industry. I have begun applying for remote part time and contract jobs, with the hope that I could pay my way through a trip to Los Angeles, and, though this may be a more far-fetched dream, finding something that could pay for basic life and rent as I live in LA. Surely my doctorate should do something for me in that world!

For now though, I continue with what I already have. This week's episode of the podcast is a particularly good one, and we guested on another one in the same week with what felt like one of our funniest appearances yet. Before I left for Scotland, I prepared for what I rightfully expected to be a decent amount of hiking and other activities requiring physical fitness by working out nearly every day to some degree. I am endeavoring to get back to these habits, and this aspiration is further spurred forward with every glance at the mirror when I do not see the six-pack that had previously dominated my abdomen. Somewhat related, I visited a chiropractor with a groupon and though we agreed that the X-rays did not display full-blown scoliosis in my thoracic spine, there was certainly a noticeable abnormality in terms of just how squiggly my spinal column has become. I would still diagnose it as mild scoliosis. So I am now trying to be more conscientious in how I stand, walk, sit, and work out.

Checking for Opportunities in a Land Once Known

After receiving feedback ranging from no response to a decline when submitting some job applications, I decided on Monday to call my old manager in Burbank. They had me send them my info, so I did, and that combined with the spring weather has me dreaming of acting while living in Los Angeles again. I called my manager up again yesterday to ask what to expect or where to go from here, and they told me that they would have Terrance call me. Terrance is fortunately the main guy, the only name that I remember, and whose house I remember visiting numerous times as a child actor.

I am of course conflicted about such a concept. How could I not be? I spent so many years earning my doctorate in medicine that to consider doing anything besides practicing medicine feels like a betrayal of that education. But I have been trying to be more honest with myself about these things. For one thing, these may be my last years with youth and looks to assist me in my approach to Hollywood, whereas medicine will still be there in 20 years. For another, a lot of people have done well on all of their exams and are competing for the same spot that I will want, whereas I have done poorly on exams and would be reliant on charisma to carry me. That is not necessarily a bad thing since I do tend to be clinically proficient, but it is worth considering. To some extent I want to recognize that they may be better candidates for clinical medicine, and I for the entertainment industry, though hopefully I would have opportunities to apply medical and clinical acumen to such a place, not to mention ethics and morals.

Acting was the dream before the dream. Of course I want to go to the people who have nothing and provide healthcare, to war-torn Yemen or Syria or Ukraine and give aid, to meet the need where it is most earnestly required. But before I had these ideas, I wanted to act, to find within myself the voices and aspirations of a character, then become the vessel through which these concepts are portrayed. Or as my oldest brother would call it, become a professional liar. Perhaps it is my ego talking, but that sounds like bad acting to me. I have always been divided inside, and acting is a chance to safely increase the volume of one of those dissenting opinions, to give it a context in which to make itself known.

Maybe next week will hold something new for me in terms of opportunity. Or maybe not. I just need my current circumstances to change.

The Most Dangerous Game of All... Job

 After recovering from Covid-19, I spent a few days drinking too much, then got back into my daily workout routine and did not drink at all. Then drank to excess last night... 

The completion of that trip to Scotland was my deadline for figuring out life. And I did overcome the most difficult internal challenge of coming to terms with both where I have been and where I am now. I have failed in certain respects, and that cannot be helped. So many times did I pray throughout my education, telling God that I agreed with everyone else's assessments that I am not a good fit for medicine, for becoming a scientist. But I felt that He told me to press on, and so I did, using the hope of one day helping the less fortunate as a future reward for the sacrifices that I made in the present. So press on I did. That pressure led me to this place of wondering whether I obtained that medical degree just for the sake of a title, or for a more conventional intended purpose. Thus do I find myself job hunting while in the odd place of being overqualified for many jobs, yet not quite qualified or experienced enough for others.

I just spent the past few hours applying for a few research jobs in Dallas and Houston, realizing that I need to find something. Since I know that I am not guaranteed to find a job in medicine, I also intend to try acting again. Because I believe that I still have talent there, and frankly, I do still miss it. At this point, I will not consider it a matter of choosing between my education and my suppressed goals. Rather, it is a hobby that I enjoy and that could pay at a time when my more professional pursuits may not. Keeping my eggs in multiple baskets is the way forward, but most importantly, moving forward is the path forward. Doing something other than getting drunk at my mother's house is the goal. The pandemic may not be over, but it is at the point that it is no longer reasonable to hide away at home in order to protect my community.

Stateside and Infected with SARS-CoV-2

Brief catchup. I did the tasting at the distillery in Wick. Then did my bucket list tasting straight from the cask at the Strathisla distillery the next day. Turns out that they discontinued my favorite, Strathisla 12 year, so I bought two of their discontinued bottles. Then I spent my last day buying a few more bottles, tested negative for covid, then went to a few bars before catching a few hours of sleep before my flight home.

The first flight was from Inverness to Manchester. It was a long process with rechecking bags, but I made it to the flight to JFK. However, just before, the flight, my travel companion messaged me a picture of his positive Covid-19 test demonstrating that he had been infected with SARS-CoV-2. I wore my N95 mask diligently for the remainder of that day, which turned out to be long, with a missed connection at JFK due to a late flight, and learning about the free hotel hours later after spending hours with a headache walking between terminals with my suitcases in below freezing weather, finally reaching the hotel and making myself eat and shower before sleeping a few hours, and finally catching the flight home, at which point I had begun to more strongly feel symptoms beyond the headaches of the previous day. Cough, mild congestion, the signs of the common cold. I texted my mom, advising her to wear her N95 mask when she picked me up, and she instead wore a surgical mask. I kept my mask on. Every time I tried to tell her about the trip, I would begin coughing, so the car ride became silent, though she offered to take me out to eat. I had to decline because at that point, I knew that there was a fair chance that my breath could kill people. We got home and I had the relief of taking my mask off in my room. Shortly thereafter, I went to get tested, and sure enough, I did indeed test positive. So I packed up a partially unpacked bag and drove to my mother's Airbnb in Canton, which is where I have been all week. Symptoms have thankfully been mild, with the worst hitting on Tuesday, which was the fourth day of symptoms, at which point I began taking anti-cough and anti-diarrhea medicine, which solved most of the issues.

I was just reading about the psychological impact of post-pandemic life and how it will take adjusting. We will not be done overnight, and the psychological traumas of these experiences will stay with some of us for years to come. I do not know if I can or should ever remove the shadow that has been cast upon the character of those I once respected who were so willing to endanger the lives of those around them simply because of "freedom". My father who was proud of me getting an education, yet clearly had no respect for that education once it became relevant to the situation concerning which he had already decided that he was an expert. The same father who, when his father died from the virus, continually seemed blinded to the point of trying to repeat the same mistakes of gatherings that killed him in the first place. And the stepmom who, after demonstrating a lack of support for my fervently expressed wishes that they comply with public health guidance, said to me with a big smile "We are your biggest supporters". My oldest brother who, when asking me to show him the studies to back my claims, and to whom I replied that he can trust me because I am a doctor, denied that I was a doctor and said that I had studied at my mother's house. The church leaders who advertised large maskless gatherings at a time when vaccines were not prevalent, or who promoted a demagogue in an election simply on the principle that their conservative views were being empowered politically. The sister who was exposed to this deadly disease at a holiday party and would not move from the common room into a private room to isolate because she "didn't feel like it", thus driving me to move out for periods of time. And of course, throughout it all, the constant changing of minds that seemed to be based not on any rational form of logic, but rather on simply doing something other than what official guidance suggested. Wear masks at all times until those are the official guidelines, at which point switch back to being against them, or only wear them as prescribed rather than rationally thinking about situations in which viral spread would be most likely.

It was during this time that I began to reconsider some of my previous views on people, on humanity. To some extent, I know that my judgments here are limited to Americans, as this individualistic culture is clearly birthing the worst sort of people. People in general are bad, in my view. Self-interests ultimately reign supreme, though they certainly mean well and can feel justified in their actions. But well-wishes somehow do not overcome their politicized reasoning behind not putting on a mask or getting vaccinated. That is my feeling toward the general population. Within my own family, I can confidently say that I only think that throughout this pandemic, I am the only one that I trusted in the slightest to maintain rational thought and reason. Out of five of us siblings, what that tells me is that there should not be more of us. So whatever desire I had to eventually have offspring has changed into a bit of a responsibility to prevent such progeny from coming to be. I recognize that we were also raised a certain way, but with a sister, an aunt, and a grandma who all potentially have some form of narcissistic personality disorder, one has to begin to assume that there could be something very wrong with the psychological profile of our family tree, and I do not want to risk it any further.

I allowed myself to like a girl during this pandemic. That too taught me something, mostly that my brain cannot handle a romantic relationship. It certainly helped that the feelings were unrequited. My social anxieties might have turned into a shy and playful quirk a decade ago in the dating world, but enough of me has become rigid and moody that I do not think that it could happen. That alone is a significant reason. Then add in the fact that I am currently uncertain within my faith, in large part due to the aforementioned ethical betrayals of Christian leaders, and how very specific a type of person I am, and I just do not see me finding that person. And frankly, I no longer crave it quite like I once did. To be clear, that could be a form of denialism, but for the moment at least, it is certainly the sentiment with which I most strongly resonate.

I have hardly read my Bible over the past year, whereas it was previously essentially a daily routine. This is a habit that I would like to resume. It became distasteful to me when it became so tied to nationalism in the domestic terrorist attack at the nation's capitol last year, and in the midst of grieving the loss of my grandfather the month after, I lost all of that drive. Even at this point, I am realizing that grieving his loss really took a lot out of me, even thinking of my academic track, and perhaps I do not need to be quite so hard on myself. In any case, I used to say to myself that for me, saying that God does not exist is like denying that your own parents exist. It is a fact, regardless of how uncomfortable it happens to make you. I am far more eager to connect with my heavenly father than the other one. One guides me whereas the other one mansplains medicine to me, one who earned a doctorate in the subject.

Train to Wick

We made it back from Isle of Skye to Loch Ness, after a brief stop by the fairy pools, and finally ended the day back in Inverness on Saturday. That night, we went to a place that technically had karaoke, but I will contend that it was far more of a club vibe that just happened to have karaoke as the backing track for parts of it. Those in attendance appeared to primarily be involved in hen or stag parties, and all were likely at least a decade younger than us, most close to the local drinking age of 18. Nevertheless, I sang, as did my travel companion for his first karaoke experience. We then went from there to the Market Bar, which is the cheap and friendly dive bar in the area.

The next day, we returned our car rental to the airport and I found myself to be exhausted from our weeks of travel, so I did not do much for the next couple of days apart from attending an open mic and a singer-songwriter night, although we did also fit another distillery tour into our Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day spent traveling by train to drink a drink that I love in a land that I love, not so far from the place from which my people hail.

Last night, my travel companion had begun feeling ill, enough so that he took a rapid covid test. It was negative, but he felt even worse this morning, so I find myself on a train alone to the north of Scotland for a distillery tour and tasting of a maritime scotch sampling. I appreciate this. As difficult as it was all of those years ago when I backpacked Western Europe alone, my experiences there were made all the more rich by the fact that I was alone, that every step was a matter of me deciding to press on. Today is a day trip north, and tomorrow will be a day trip east as long as weather permits, and Friday remains to be seen as I prepare to fly home on Saturday.

The car rental cost more than twice what we were originally quoted, and I have been feeling the pain of going overbudget now. I do have money in reserve, but the thrifty approach is prevailing as we finish up our time here. Thrifty of course besides the several bottles of scotch that I intend to purchase. And the riddle of how to pack those will also be a fun experience on Friday.

In any case, my current views now are of a Scottish loch, to be followed in awhile by the sea before finally reaching my destination in Wick.

On the Isle of Skye

Feb 10.

Sitting here in a café in Portree, Isle of Skye. Various parts of the room painted in differing bright colors of red, blue, orange, and yellow, with the assorted heterogony leading to a distinct eclectic flavor balanced by the more serene view out the window. I have spent the better part of this hour gazing out there at the boats spotting this harbor and the inlet further beyond, with all overlooked by these cliffs. Some cliffs sheer, others with a perceptible climb to them, all with this fog and mist that alludes to just how moist the green and brown vegetation spreading across them must be. The magnitude of it reminds one of why this part of the world worshipped gods associated with nature. Even with the current relative calm of a simple persistent wind, one recognizes the inherent power that they must encounter upon the seas. Just as cathedrals were built in great sizes in order to remind oneself of how small they are compared to the might of God, these natural behemoths of cliffs and crags and waters bring one to a place of true recognition of one's spot in the midst of the elementals.

Though there is a constant feel of an overcast sky making its presence known, the sunlight also manages to make remarkedly pronounced bursts through its tunneling. My favorite moments thus far have occurred when the clouds are dark and angry, but a beam forces its way through regardless of the surrounding tempestuous mood.

Feb 11.

Back in the same café again, with the same view. As though to mirror my quelled excitement after seeing and doing so much yesterday, the winds and water of the bay have calmed significantly. The first activity of the day yesterday was also the highlight, as my research had anticipated. The hike up to the Old Man of Storr was at first merely windy, but still sunny throughout. But as one approached the rocky fingers, the local climate underwent a significant change from springtime sunny to foggy with harsh winds and sleet. I ran as full speed as I could only to be blown back, my face painfully pelted by ice, and it was during this time that the Old Man took my hat with my name on it. But even in the midst of this, the contrast and the views throughout were constantly breathtaking even as they varied by weather and elevation. We reached a point where a fence blocked the way as the ice pellets attacked, so we turned around and tried another way which gave us an incredible view of the mainland as well as the old man. We then decided to make the trek back down, and from there moved on to Kilt Rock and Mealt Falls, which fortunately consumed significantly less of our time than had the old man. We then ventured on to the Fairy Glen, where concentric circles had been placed. We heard that animal sacrifices still took place there, so that is a weird thing.

That evening, I resolved to have coffee after such a long day so that I could further enjoy the night, but I did end up just deciding on sleep. This has been a consistent decision for me, in part because it allows me to wake up early enough for alone time, contemplation, and writing these entries.

Today began with a trip to Sligachan Old Bridge, where legend has it that if you can hold your face in the water for seven seconds and let it dry off naturally, you get eternal beauty. If that is the case, then I have hereby earned my eternal beauty. From there, we drove on to Dunvegan Castle, but it was unfortunately closed with no opportunity even to see it from afar. So we drove onward toward the lighthouse on the far west side of the island, but this is of course when our tire went flat. Though we missed the Talisker distillery tour, this forced stop did allow us time to first roam the nearby hills, then finally sit and journal in the midst of that windy rugged landscape. Typing is easier, but there is something about the use of a pen on paper.

We had fortunately paid up for the priciest insurance policy on the rental, so there was no need to worry over the bill to come for the tow truck across the island nor for the tire replacement. We were taken back to town, the tire replaced, had dinner, and then ended the evening with a stop at the most popular bar that for tonight was hosting a billiard tournament. The skillset was lacking, which I only know from time spent around folks who were competitive in such an arena. My friend competed and after sampling some of the scotch that I would otherwise likely have tried on that missed distillery tour, I excused myself to write this.

That time with the flat tire in particular was a highlight for the day. Being forced to sit and listen to the silence, to stop fidgeting or looking at a distraction like one's phone, and instead to just be present and try to write something, anything. A form of peace is found in such a practice, and I miss the times in which I would do so more regularly. Part of my excuse for not doing so has been my laptop's keyboard, which does malfunction frequently, but is clearly up to the job of composing my thoughts (with occasional pauses to correct issues).

Westward to the Isle

I am here in Fort William, sitting in a café under the watchful eye of the largest mountain in this country, Ben Nevis. Yesterday, I paid a visit to a distillery that was named after this mountain, and this was my first scotch distillery tour. And oh what a wonder. The tour of course reminded me of all the science that I have forgotten, and then the tasting itself... they were clearly pushing their newer items, but the last scotch in the tasting was fashioned using a recipe meant to resemble their 1880s scotch, the kind that first garnered the attention of the queen. And I must admit that the balance was very nice, offering the flavor of the smoky peat without overwhelming the taste. I am kicking myself for not picking up a bottle, but we have not yet left the city, so I still have some hope of dropping back by there once more.

I met a fellow doctor last night who had his own similar complaints about this nation's medical system and training placement. Difficulties abound.

Update: I picked up that bottle of scotch along with another smaller single cask one, and then traversed by car through the mountainous highlands to reach Portree in the Isle of Skye. Though famous for its natural beauty, when asked what there was to do at night here, the hostel worker replied "it's pretty quiet". So it appears that our time here will be spent hiking by day and boozing by night, just as my ancestors did in days of yore.

Our room here houses just me and my friend, making it the closest to a standard hotel room that I have yet had on this trip. Maybe my next trip here will afford me nicer accommodations. I previously enjoyed hostels for meeting people, but perhaps because I have companionship throughout this trip... I mostly desire to experience these places in a solitary manner. Seems like it can hit harder if done in such a way. And if we are being honest, I dislike people more than I once did. Medical school and the pandemic have revealed to me just how selfish people are at heart, how unwilling most people appear to look beyond their own interests if it becomes at all inconvenient for them to do so. Ah, the power of an education to make someone so very negative.

Time to Breathe & Come to Senses

From a snowy day in Inverness to a day of Irish coffee, to a look around secondhand shops followed by a climb over Holyrood Park to the oldest pub in Edinburgh, the Sheep Heid Inn, from bus routes awry hiking back through cold and rain to a revisit to a pub crawl that seemed designed to make me feel world's older than when I had last undertaken it, to dreams of these thoughts and feelings, to today's late start in a walk to a museum and now to a coffee shop, the trip has been active.

Going back to last night's pub crawl, which we left early, and the dreams that followed... I had such distinct aged feelings. Others on the pub crawl were still youthful enough to have more significant acne struggles, whereas I have had time to slowly earn my doctorate and sit on it for years. The last pub that we made it to carded them, but waved me on. I recognize that the age for that here is 18, but I am used to being carded a decent amount of the time. Once again, age. Asked what I do. Well, I do not practice medicine...

I started to feel as if I was getting enough escape out of this trip that I wanted more stability. With a decent non-clinical medical job, many of my immediate problems could be solved. I can still put together a reel for the acting stuff, but I much of my desires there arise from the idea that I believe that I still have much talent in that arena. But talent does not need to override learned skills and knowledge. A more permanent change of scenery is of significant import, and this can be more likely afforded by the medical work. Imagine a place of my own and a job in which I contribute in a tangible way to a real good thing.

Of course, if the meme stocks shoot up in value within the next week or two, my plans may be forced to change in a way that more thoroughly accommodates my yearnings. But just like getting back into acting, such a prospect is not a stable reliability.

Update: Visited that cheap pub again, but instead of hanging out afterwards, I went to take a couple hours of nap time. And then finally, I found karaoke. Hosted by a human who appeared to be trans female, but may have just been an enthusiastic cross-dresser, it was a fun night beginning with a small crowd and a chance to practice scarier songs, then followed by bigger groups that actively participated.

I feel out of place for being older, but I also remember similar feelings as a younger gent. Perhaps I need to have some grace for myself as someone who will, at all years of life, continue to suffer from the human condition. And this may be a symptom of that condition.

I found myself thinking tonight about how the LGBTQ folks feel out of place. As a white cis straight person, I still manage to feel like a big stretch from what I am supposed to be feeling at a given time. But if I was born or raised some other way? Those sorts of feelings would have been exaggerated further and at a much earlier time. So despite how much I do like those folks, I am glad that I am of a different variety. Because life is hard regardless, and 'tis better to approach it on easy mode.

I am still leaning more toward doing a normal job, as opposed to pursuing the world of entertainment. Dr. Ken Jeong did not quit his real job until the opportunities were abounding, and that seems a decent methodology. That being said, he also lived in a part of the country where auditions were plentiful. But maybe I will find some zoom ones.

In Scotland

 After long hours of travel to Edinburgh, then an almost-late entry to the train to Inverness, and a continuous battle against jet lag throughout, I find myself in this northerly part of Scotland. In my ears are "Get Me Away From Here I'm Dying" by Belle and Sebastian from a Scottish playlist put together by my friend who earned his masters degree in sound design in Edinburgh, and I cannot help but think that such a sentiment is what sent me to this land in the first place. I have this feeling of having been wasting away, locked into the cruel progression of time and geographical stagnation. And certain fears remain, such as the fact that upon searching last night for events or company, the only lively bits about town seemed to be related to a rugby game, which is an activity concerning which I have not the slightest passing fancy.

So in this moment sitting in Starbucks after having redeemed my saved points for accidentally abominably large drinks, I attempt to take a glance around before remembering that my neck muscles and joints are so fixed that they limit such abilities. I have been so fixed in such a narrow state of living that I am physically prevented from seeing further beyond that restricted peripheral, and so perhaps a goal of my time here will be to simply expand this line of sight. Does this mean that I go into acting? Or does this mean that I work a non-clinical medical job with the recognition that it need not prevent me from doing more as well? Fortunately, these are questions that need not be answered until this trip has reached its cessation.

For the second time in a few days, I am in a city filled with the spoken accents of my predecessors and the physical accents of the architecture that continues to be representative of how they lived, and all of these captivations overlooked by a castle on a hill.

A Little Catching Up

I have many partially written blogs that have not been published. This is in part because my laptop is in poor condition, causing the "v" and "," and "b", and some other keys in the middle of the keyboard to resist or doubly commit to their entry. Another reason is that I have felt so dissatisfied with my current state of life and saw few methods to remedy this.

But I fly out to a bucket list vacation to Scotland on Monday, and given the two train rides planned, I expect to have time to write. So I wanted to crack this blog back open before then and break the intimidation of a long silence.

I professored last year. I wrote and taught an online lecture class to medical assistants, and I included many jokes. That will hopefully be released in the coming months. Through that, I was invited to join the board of an allied health testing program. I just completed their tasks the other day, which were focused on reviewing and providing input regarding their test questions. For such things, they tend to test at too difficult a level, so my approach is usually to say that they should dumb it down. In any case, doing that allows me to have a board member designation on my CV and a nice paycheck too.

But this brings us to a difficult matter. I have found myself unable to study efficiently during the pandemic. Consequently, I have not been able to pass the Step 2 exam, which makes it impossible for me to gain a residency position. That puts me in the spot of needing to find work. Because I have kept up with my comedy podcast and done modeling shoots here and there, I keep being tempted to go back to the entertainment industry. This has become a bigger feeling since my mother has surprised me with information about the opportunities that I had apparently been given, but concerning which I had remained uninformed until now. I was invited to enroll in a school for the gifted, had producers asking me to contact them, and a myriad of other things, but those opportunities slipped by for the obvious reason that I was one of five siblings with two parents in a troubled marriage.

So I learned that I was recognized for my talent early, but my parents did not take the necessary steps to cultivate this talent. My mom brought out a bag full of neatly organized business cards from all of the industry people with whom we connected and has urged me to call these producers and directors after this 20 year hiatus, which I of course do not see as being a realistic approach. That being said, I do now find myself being recognized by legitimate comedians, and referred to as one, and I just keep thinking that this is what I really enjoy. On the other hand, the inundation of both burnout in medicine and with the many fools who consider themselves to be medically knowledgeable in their antagonism toward vaccination or masks make me increasingly less inclined to pursue that dream, at least in the short term. I have a friend who may be able to get me non-clinical work using my medical doctorate, but that would require a move to Arkansas, which would be a move away from the local hub of the entertainment industry in Dallas. And I am guessing that it would be a normal 9-5 desk job kind of thing, which is not exactly what I would prefer.

My old agent in Dallas has yet to return my calls requesting a meeting, but they do have the option for a reel to be submitted via email. I asked my buddy who is editing the lectures to send me my best stuff, but he is both busy and forgetful. In the meantime, I suppose that I should be looking through my older videos from both child acting and from college, plus more recent things through the podcast.

This trip to Scotland is a sort of deadline for me. I will be clearing my head by doing my favorite things with a good friend, and during that journey I hope to find some clarification both for what opportunities I legitimately have as well as what I would like to do upon completion of the vacation.