Remembering How To Be The Difference

Only one grade was posted from our exams yesterday, and it was my worst subject: Biochemistry. Out of the 56 people in the class, I had the lowest score at 57. I was expecting something in that range, though obviously hoping for better. Last semester, I was positive that I had failed a Histology exam, but instead had like a 78. An important thing about this semester is that there are no curves, nor are there lab grades to add a buffer to your score. No, you take that test and if you suck, you suck. And suck I did.

Now, be aware that I've been taking it in stride. Most of what I thought while studying for these tests was that I will do better on the next exam. And I will. That being said, there's still a stirring in me that I need to deal with. I need to yell at God. But for now, I can try to write out some frustrations. (Even though I know very well what I did wrong and how I could have done better.)

All my life through high school, I always made straight A's, except for that one teacher who screwed me over with a B (his fault, really). But once I got to college, I struggled. A lot. The main reason was that there was a finite amount of work I was willing to put into anything. Then after a month-long trip to work in hospitals in Uganda, I learned that for the sake of those patients suffering there, I needed to do better. Suddenly, this whole dream of being a doctor that God gave me was bigger than me or the classrooms I sat in. There were faces, people. And I knew that if I could become a doctor, I could make a change in their lives. As a student, all I did was see and learn that I didn't know anything. But as a doctor, I could be the difference I wanted to see.

So then I had a path. I had already taken all of my chemistry courses by that time, so those were out of the way. All of my worst subjects had been finished. That senior year of college, I had classes relating to my major. When I put everything into it, I went from doing an abysmal job to doing okay. Not great, not even that good, but okay.

But now, for the first time since before that trip to Uganda, I have a course that's heavy on chemistry. They deny that it's much chemistry, but if you take the chemistry out of it, you don't have much left. So it's my worst sciency subject and it's at the medical school level. I know that if I can get past it, the worst will be over. Others say that the third semester is the hardest, but I know how weak I am in Biochemistry.

Well, I was gonna get mad at God, but I'm too sleepy. I guess my takeaway here is that I need to remember why I'm doing this. It's hard to remember when you're studying microscopic things that hardly seem to apply to anything. But I want to help those people, to be the difference in their lives. And I can't do that the way that I want to if I don't start improving now.