*Sigh*

I hate not being in ministry. I hate that my problems are my biggest problems, and that those problems are pretty much made up anyway, just a grading system that decides whether I get to move on from this point of learning to another.

And I hate that I can't say, "Oh, next year will be better" or the year after, or the year after that, because standardized testing is the primary form of testing up until I'm a doctor.

I miss being so close to God. I miss being frustrated that I couldn't hear His voice the way others could. I don't like that I feel so alone in the world, hearing from God so clearly.

I don't know how to deal with my current situation. I'm always sure that I'm going to fail now because when I most definitely should not have failed, I still did so. I am tired of it all and death would be a wonderful release, but that ain't my game, not unless someone forces me to play it (and by all means, do so if you like, but I'm unfortunately quite likable).

"Yes I know I'm but a breath, but I wanna taste and see and feel you nonetheless.
Yeah, the years they keep on turning, and I'm barren but I'm burning for you Lord." -Young Oceans

I feel the passion in this song, feel the passion I once felt, but stirring it back up seems beyond me. Maybe because God is supposed to be the one doing it. All I know is that where I'm at is not where I want to be. I'm always sure that I'm going to fail and I don't want to keep facing tomorrow. I want a new tomorrow to look forward to, one where I'm confident both in my knowledge and in my ability to do well on exams. I want a tomorrow in which I can walk and speak boldly with the spirit of the Lord God Almighty inside of me, and feel it, and see Him work.

...But those days, if they are ever to come, seem a long way off.

Trust...

Even on vacation, you don't always rest. Especially when that vacation is a cruise. I realized this when on Friday night, I passed out after two glasses of wine over the course of a few hours (not much to drink at my tolerance) and was out for a full twelve hours. I realized at that point that it had been something close to a month since my last full night's sleep.

With my new schedule, I spent the weekend watching shows and movies more than I probably should have. But I was still very depressed. But with more sleep, food, and exercise, the depression seems to have lifted.

Before those first exams last semester, before the drop in grades that would end up forcing me to stay on this island for an extra semester, I told God that I'd trust Him even if I failed everything. And then I failed a lot. In the more difficult class, I was able to improve with hard work. In the other class, I was not able to do so. But throughout the stress of that, I tried to keep up with God. And though I kept up with Bible reading and such, I don't think I really kept up with Him. Part of it was the nightcaps that became necessary at the end of the day, that became increasingly stronger every day. But part of it was kinda like what happened in Europe when I asked God to intervene and nothing happened; it felt like He wasn't in the mood for dialogue.

Now, I can always feel God around in my head. It's not a super spiritual thing, more like the strong voice of Good that's always reliable. But it just felt like I was shouting at a wall, my words echoing right back without a hint of a listening ear taking it in.

So just like I did after Europe, I'm trying to build that trust again. With more sleep and less stress, I'm (so far) not in need of nightcaps. I have red wine now, so liquor doesn't have to be my main treat. It can be healthy, especially since the end goal of wine is not always to get drunk; it's just to enjoy some red wine.

I am hoping that I don't fail physiology again. I feel like I know everything they've been teaching in class so far, which makes it that much more terrifying. If I could fail while knowing a lot last semester, how will this semester be any different? I guess it does come down to just trusting in God...

To Shreds

My appeal to take more classes was denied. so now I only have school for four hours per day.


I played worship music tonight and I just couldn't get into it at all. Last semester tore me up so much, just ripped me to shreds. I was left with just depression and the disillusionment that came with knowing that no matter how hard you work, even if you "master" a given subject, you can still fail. Badly. So now I just don't know. Relearning seems way less fun than learning, unless you're studying for finals and already have a good enough grade that you'll pass no matter what.

I just feel that getting back to this island is a matter of finding my little niche of depression and wallowing in that until I can finally get home in August.

I wish I could worship God like I used to. Hopefully I'll relearn how to love Him properly. The tunnel vision here is a powerful thing...

Empty

I dunno guys. I feel pretty refreshed. The break could have been longer, but those cruises were so eventful with karaoke and getting to know the crew and such that it just seemed to hit the spot. That and seeing so many attractive white girls, both there and in Miami.

But I don't believe in myself for this semester. Last semester, I had loads of confidence. I thought, "I got this. I know how med school works." Then I learned that I don't. Now I'm repeating a class that, when I knew the material like the back of my hand, I made a 50 on the exam. I've learned that knowing everything I'm supposed to know does not mean that I will do well. In fact, it can mean failure, failing worse than when I know significantly less.

But there's hope, I suppose. A friend of mine failed our two main classes last semester but was able to transfer to the neighboring island's med school, Windsor, without much trouble at all. And she actually gets to move on, studying what we're studying. And their curriculum allows her to leave the island in January, doing a Kaplan course in Chicago. She gets to move back to the States. AND they can do core clinical rotations in Texas, something that doesn't happen for any Caribbean med students. After hearing that, I just wanted to go to that school, despite the fact that it's less reputable than ours. Ours is in the Big 5 Caribbean med schools. MUA has begun to stand out in the time that I've been here, since it's been approved for federal loans. California approval is expected in the fall. Everything improves with the presence of one devoted to The Lord.

But about that.

I feel so spiritually empty. I read my Bible and probably pray every day, but the conversations don't feel like dialogue anymore. It's me saying that things are the way they are, and then seemingly dead silence on the other end. I try to hold onto the hope and the promises of God, but they seem so, SO very distant... I'm in the last semester before things are supposed to get easier and more practical, preparing us for what the rest of our careers are supposed to be like.

I just don't believe that I can make it. I mean, I guess maybe I do? But at this point, it's like I'm not even choosing this life or lifestyle anymore; it's more like I've already hacked a trail deep into this forest of awful and I just kinda might as well keep going forward since going back seems like a waste of my efforts thus far.

I miss church. I miss being in ministry. If what I went through last semester is anything like what working in medicine will be like, I do sincerely hope that I'm killed somehow along the way. I am very talented in so many areas, most of them pretty unrelated to this. I mean, I'm okay at medicine, but I'm great at speaking and performing and social skills. And the mission field. Anywhere but here.

On the bright side, my new classes all seem very interesting and worth learning from.