Oh Acting

It's selfish of me to look back now and realize that, had I stayed in the whole acting thing, I may have had a chance at the lead role in upcoming groundbreaking feature films. Yet the gravity of what I gave up to pursue this calling of being a doctor, it's hitting me. It's like a midlife crisis, realizing where I could have been if I did something different, and seeing where I am now, in danger of failing a class in med school.

I really like the idea of fame. Everywhere I've been, from the Austin Film Festival to high school to college, I've been well-known by most everyone. I try to be the type of guy that's good at being well-known. So as I made up alternate social networking accounts in preparation for this explosion of fame that's never coming, I guess it made sense that a conversation with a dear friend would remind me that I still don't know what the future holds, and that my other possible life would come to mind. I'm good looking enough to have made it in acting, I think. I'm certainly quirky enough that I might have been able to get that earlier Spider-Man role.

Of course, the kicker is that I probably wouldn't have become near as strong a Christian. And, of course, my friend groups and lifestyle would be entirely different. Terrance Heinz, my old agent in Burbank, said that the best actors don't make it big; they go to college. My brother wanted that, and the rest of us followed. But I always loved acting. That remained true for ages and ages, and still hasn't let up.

So now I suppose do wish for fame... That sounds super egotistical I guess, but I dunno, it's always just felt like how it was meant to be. Just fitting. I'm too many things in one human to just be limited to what one human would normally influence. But whatever.

In A Mood

I'm in a mood.

These are rare.

It's a time when I just get so pissed about where I'm at in life. I guess this used to happen when I was doing bad in school in the past, and this is maybe just a reflexive response? Either way, it's here now. My heartrate has been elevated all day and time seems to be skipping by.

My school is starting to do fun things. Jeopardy this weekend. Talent Show in a month. I'm not really planning in participating in either because right now, I'm focused on learning and grades.

I think of running away from this, from all of this. But the last time I kinda "ran away", I traveled Europe and it wasn't all that pleasant. It was new and exciting, but mostly it was difficult and a learning experience. Maybe traveling through the States would be different. I'm just so angry about being where I am. Even if I did have the wish to skip past the next few years to be a real doctor, will I even like it? Crazy hours, high stress...

I'm in this to be a missionary. That is what I will like.

But what happened to all those other dreams? Acting, working at Disney World, and there are probably a million others that I don't recall now because I convinced myself that they weren't really feasible. SCREW IT! I'M TIRED OF REALITY! I'm just ready to die or fall into a coma. Not in a suicidal way, or anything like that. I'm just so tired and fed up with the way this world seems to be set up.

I put everything into making myself a better person, mostly in the name of trying to become the person people would want to have working for them or heading things up. To be the doctor my patients would want. But it's a narrow road full of crags and thorns and I don't feel up to the task. I don't feel up to the task. So I'm instead resigned to it, hoping that everything changes and knowing it won't.

All the Lives

Last weekend, I had the chance to Skype with Tara for a couple hours. She's getting her masters in accounting and also working full time, so her schedule is somewhere near as packed as mine. We talked of many things, but one important theme that we both hold to is our desire to do and be more than what we already are.

Then I noticed that with Andrew Garfield out, maybe there was the tiniest chance for me to be the new Spiderman. I know that it's foolish to think of, because casting would begin with well-known actors and would be within the next few months, since Spiderman's first appearance is supposed to be in the Captain America movie that's due to come out next summer. But it got me thinking about my past life as a child actor, and all my aspirations within that. My desire to be famous and to help people through that influence...

Thinking about this had me willing to drop med school and all that I've worked on for so long, all to star in a series of big superhero movies. And what does that say about my belief in the dreams that God has given me? I gave up the acting thing long ago, treating it as more of a hobby. But acting was one of those jobs that I absolutely adored, like being a mascot. I don't think that I'll absolutely adore being a doctor. It will be good and challenging, but unlike some of those past dream jobs, I don't think I'll be very happy at the end of the day. Exhausted, and feeling like I improved people and the world, but probably not that happy.

I don't know where that leaves me. I love learning so much, but is this the life I signed up for? Always wishing to be living a different one? Or to be dead? Becoming better as a person seems to correlate with being sadder and lonelier, and I don't think I want to be working towards that. I just don't know.

Unfair

The waiting is the worst. No wait, the bad news after the waiting. No wait, feeling kinda justified in blaming others for your misfortune.

I was so mad at how unfair this block felt. I don't use the word "unfair" often because it isn't fair that I'm so blessed, and that I have the audacity to complain when "unfair" to me usually does not affect whether I get to eat, sleep, or live relatively well. That being said, this block felt unfair. We had a sucky professor for Physiology for the respiratory system, then the good professor came in on a saturday to reteach what the other professor taught badly, forcing students to either give up a day of studying (he lectured for several hours) or miss being taught in favor of study time. I did the latter. Then, on the friday before monday's exams, that good professor had us come in an hour early and lectured for 2 1/2 hours (normal lectures are 2 hours) with no breaks on all new endocrine material, followed by a brief review of respiratory. This meant that, on the day when we should only have been reviewing what we had already learned, we had to learn all new information, then review it, and also review everything else.

So I made a 67. As I told myself before the exams, I was gonna be pissed no matter what grade I got. It just wasn't fair to us as students. Now my average is bumped up from a 63 to a 65, still not passing.

In Biochemistry, however, I scored above average with an 81, bringing my previous grade of a 57 up to a 70.5, which was a relief.

I worked so hard. So hard that I was sure that I should at least be passing. But as expected, when I reviewed my physio test, most of my wrong answers were from endocrinology, because I just plain didn't have time to finish it.

Now I'm sticking to this trusting God thing. My good (somewhere in the realm of "best") friend, Tara, walked away from her faith in Christ in college. She had asked me why I believed in God, and I said that He helps me to do well in school (I sucked at school at the time and my reasons for believing in God have matured, I think). She said that when she got bad grades, she decided to do better, and then did so. No God in the mix. Though grades aren't why I believe in God, I do understand now that no matter how hard I work, no matter how much effort and stress and troubled sleep I put into something, it's still out of my control. I can influence, but in the end, that only does so much. I need God in general, but specific to academics, I need Him because He's the one who works everything to my good because I love Him.

This brings up the question of "once saved, always saved" that has been coming up in my mind regarding Tara, but I need to study tonight. These classes aren't going to pass themselves.

Oh, and our Genetics grades haven't been posted yet. I made a B on the first exam, but who knows...

Cliffside Breaks

And then you take time out to go to a cliffside overlooking the ocean to talk to God. Normally, I go to the rocky beach and skip rocks along the water between waves, but this time, I took a different, uphill route. "It's opener out there, in the wide open air."

It's about perspective. If I can't trust God to work in me here, how can I trust Him when it comes to something beyond my control? It really is all His. Including all the studying I haven't done. Though, just to throw it out there, I have studied so much and if I don't do well this block, I really won't know what else to do.

I've studied hard. As usual, it doesn't feel adequate. But regardless of how well or poorly I do on these exams, I'll be feasting and drinking afterwards. So at least there's that...

Tests On The Morrow

No matter how many times I say to God, "I trust you", it seems to be betrayed by the stress and anxiety I feel regarding tomorrow's tests. I could easily fail these. There are a billion ways that I could test badly tomorrow, and significantly less ways that I could test well. Anything from poorly-worded questions (a guarantee when it comes to these profs), poor long-term recall (not everything will come from cramming), poor short-term recall (many things will come from cramming), or just that chance that always comes with multiple choice questions that I'll narrow it down to two answers and choose the wrong one (largely why I failed my last physio exam).

I really like learning. And what I'm learning now is extremely important. I just wish that my previous poor performance wouldn't have such a great impact in deciding whether I get to continue learning these subjects, or having to give one of them up (and consequently spend an extra semester on this island).

At least I've gotten back into actually enjoying what I'm learning. I just hope that joy isn't lost because of my past foolishness...

Relief

I always seem to want relief from wherever I am. When I was out of school, I just wanted a change of scenery. I wanted to go to Europe, or to wherever. Now that I'm back in school, I want a break. Even lame unemployment sounds nice for a moment, until I remember that that's what my brothers are doing, and they really aren't inspiring role models. They're living the lack of life that all three of us dreamed of before I grew up a little bit and learned that there's more.

So maybe life is just a world of seeking relief. Finding the tendrils of good that creep up from the meshwork of bad and mundane that cover our lives, and making those tendrils everything.

Then again, I love what I'm learning. I just hate that I'm currently failing. I know I can learn everything I need to before the semester ends, and do so well enough that I should pass every test. But can I actually show that on exams? Who knows?

My thoughts have been less clean lately. Too many pretty girls who don't use their smarts that are text-flirting with me. Fine, maybe only one. It's apparently kind of against the grain for me to either want the right girl, the woman that God has for me, or to have no one. I don't believe in divorce. I think my parents were fools to have that. I don't plan to make the same mistake.

Anyway, this is my third cup of wonderful drink that I've earned after studying all day, so peace and war out.

Peel Off A Layer

Each class has good professors and bad. They switch out who is teaching what depending on the focus and subject matter. For instance, when Biochemistry became more Genetics oriented, the professor who helped sequence the genome of the kangaroo (yes, he's Australian) taught. In Physiology, we currently have one of the worst professors, especially for upper med classes. He explains very poorly and doesn't answer questions well, or at all.

Anyway, one of our lesser professors was teaching Biochemistry (and I'm still struggling with what he taught) last week, but now the good professor has taken over. This is actually the best of all possible Biochemistry professors. And today, I answered two questions correctly in class. And at least one of them was a "why" question, which can often have far-ranging answers. But I did it, and the excitement within a few feet of me (created by me) was palpable and annoying.

Also, I think I'm becoming myself more. Except less sarcastic, which stanks. But I dunno, the witty doctors I know all have more of a quiet wit, the kind that doesn't immediately show itself. And that's admittedly the type I've wanted to have. But there's a layer of serious that I still don't know when to peel off.