So, the prophetic "bad feeling" I got on Monday came true pretty quickly. It consisted of my stomach clenching up for around 24 hours, and me having to drive off by myself to think/write things out. The couple was announced as a couple (through Facebook) during that time period, and they had broken up within a week of that first date.
Point is, I knew. Before they were even officially a couple, I knew that it wasn't okay. This prophetic stuff is recognizable, but I don't like having bad news for people. I suppose that that's the sort of thing that makes a man of character and a good friend, though. Giving the bad news as well as the good. Still, I find myself painting the bad news in the best possible light even when I'm not really supposed to.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Two Sides
The charismatic in me fights the other me for control when it comes to spiritual stuff. And stuff that doesn't have to be spiritual, but could be. I've hung around enough relatively normal baptisty types that I would prefer everything to be more simple, for the lil' feelings and nudgings I get to just be that, rather than the Holy Spirit trying to talk to me. Yet it remains, and when I go on mission trips, I cling to it. But when I'm not...
I just don't always know what to do with myself. I liked being a superChristian, but I'm pretty sure that no one else did. I like having high standards, working hard, and focusing on God, but I also like relating to people and not coming across as judgmental.
I just feel like pressure may not be on now, but I'll have to choose at some point just how committed I am to thinking one way or the other. Or maybe it's seasonal. Who knows?
I just don't always know what to do with myself. I liked being a superChristian, but I'm pretty sure that no one else did. I like having high standards, working hard, and focusing on God, but I also like relating to people and not coming across as judgmental.
I just feel like pressure may not be on now, but I'll have to choose at some point just how committed I am to thinking one way or the other. Or maybe it's seasonal. Who knows?
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
How To Date
I have this take on Christian dating that doesn't tend to flow with the norm. I believe that if you're concentrated on God, He'll lead you to love a girl. And you may not even like her at first, 'cause you prefer God. But God leads you to her, and she's being lead similarly towards you, and you become a couple.
Maybe I'm crazy. I have these ideas of what dating is supposed to look like as a Christian, and I've seen remarkably few examples to give hope to such ideas. But I have seen examples, one of them being my wisest friend (when he isn't dating a crazy). Cameron told me about his unusual experience with dating, how he and his girlfriend had broken things off and said that they'd talk to God for a few weeks, then see if it was cool with Him if they got back together. Rather than focus on her, God kinda gave him his own private revival, to the point where he actually forgot about the relationship he was doing this for in the first place. Then God led Him to ask her out again, and He told her to do what Cameron said, and voila, Ashton and Cameron are my favorite couple, because somehow, they've managed to do things right.
It should also be noted that Cameron dated like any other kid before he was in this relationship, so it was out of the ordinary for him.
It's possible to do it right!
Maybe I'm crazy. I have these ideas of what dating is supposed to look like as a Christian, and I've seen remarkably few examples to give hope to such ideas. But I have seen examples, one of them being my wisest friend (when he isn't dating a crazy). Cameron told me about his unusual experience with dating, how he and his girlfriend had broken things off and said that they'd talk to God for a few weeks, then see if it was cool with Him if they got back together. Rather than focus on her, God kinda gave him his own private revival, to the point where he actually forgot about the relationship he was doing this for in the first place. Then God led Him to ask her out again, and He told her to do what Cameron said, and voila, Ashton and Cameron are my favorite couple, because somehow, they've managed to do things right.
It should also be noted that Cameron dated like any other kid before he was in this relationship, so it was out of the ordinary for him.
It's possible to do it right!
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Lists
I have three lists hung up by my bed in my dorm. One is a list of things I want to do, and kinda have always wanted to do, things like "be a wine connoisseur" and "write books." The next one is a list of people and places to pray for, listing lots of places I've been and people I've been close to over the years. The last list is a list of spiritual endeavors, and it's the list that scares me the most. They come not only from what I'd like to become through Christ now, but things that I used to want to do, that I'd now feel more comfortable forgetting about. Things like "I want to experience revival in a pure and Biblical form," and "to see angels and demons."
I feel almost guilty putting the first list in any important place, yet if I focus on any of them more, it is most certainly that one. Because really, I'm always searching for escape from all that I am forced to attempt to accomplish while in college. A lot of the work done here has little purpose for what I am hoping to do with my life, but I suppose that that's precisely where faith must be used.
One thing I mean to add to a list is a motto I have to force myself to keep in mind to avoid assuming anything of anyone. "Be as much as you can for people, expecting nothing in return."
I feel almost guilty putting the first list in any important place, yet if I focus on any of them more, it is most certainly that one. Because really, I'm always searching for escape from all that I am forced to attempt to accomplish while in college. A lot of the work done here has little purpose for what I am hoping to do with my life, but I suppose that that's precisely where faith must be used.
One thing I mean to add to a list is a motto I have to force myself to keep in mind to avoid assuming anything of anyone. "Be as much as you can for people, expecting nothing in return."
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Able To Write
This is what happens when I don't feel overwhelmed. I feel like I have time to write.
Don't worry, I probably won't feel like this for three weeks at least.
Don't worry, I probably won't feel like this for three weeks at least.
Lonesome Travels
The stankiest part of traveling is that it gets lonesome. Don't get me wrong; I love traveling the world every summer. I love that I've already visited so many countries, while lots of my friends haven't even been outside of the United States. But at the same time, I get to miss people. I see the wonders of the world and wish that I had someone special next to me to see it with. Half of my memories of San Marco square are with my mom and siblings as we discussed the impending divorce that happened the summer before last, and the other half are from studying abroad there, feeling oddly distant from the students around me, wishing and willing my good friends to join me there. Sure, you make friends with whoever you travel with, but nothing beats the people you see during the week and then on weekends, just 'cause you can't get enough of them.
Fortunately, mission trips aren't much like that. They're much more purposeful, and with such a focus on God, it drowns the other stuff out. And it always feels, more than anything else I've ever done, as if it's what I'm supposed to be doing. And to be honest, I usually feel kinda distant from God on mission trips. I tend to feel like it's harder to hear from Him in such a new environment, but when the need is great, it drives you to push on.
What's going to make this summer tricky is that I'll be spending four weeks on a mission trip in Uganda followed by one week of traveling in Europe. European travel might be as difficult in some ways as Uganda, 'cause while one will be fun and exciting and new, it won't have the same focus as the other.
Fortunately, mission trips aren't much like that. They're much more purposeful, and with such a focus on God, it drowns the other stuff out. And it always feels, more than anything else I've ever done, as if it's what I'm supposed to be doing. And to be honest, I usually feel kinda distant from God on mission trips. I tend to feel like it's harder to hear from Him in such a new environment, but when the need is great, it drives you to push on.
What's going to make this summer tricky is that I'll be spending four weeks on a mission trip in Uganda followed by one week of traveling in Europe. European travel might be as difficult in some ways as Uganda, 'cause while one will be fun and exciting and new, it won't have the same focus as the other.
Friday, April 6, 2012
More Useful Single
I talked to my youth pastor for what I assume was the last time before he and his family move to California to help plant a church. We talked about life and many facets of it, but one part of our conversation has been coming to mind. He was just talking about how he wouldn't have planned it this way, to be unemployed with a wife and three kids and move to California. I agreed with him, emphasizing the wife and children.
Then he reminded me of 1 Corinthians 7:7-8 where Paul talks about how it's much better to stay single. He said that without the family, he would be just fine with driving to California and sleeping under a bridge if that's what God said, but with the family, it changes everything.
And that's why I remain single. 'Cause for all my talk about how I'd be more useful in so many other places, as a missionary or whatever, I wouldn't be so useful without being single. The more I want to do for the Lord, the less outside myself and Him I should have to worry about. That means that I kinda need to remain single.
Apart from that, there's also the fact that I always consider myself to be too much of a work in progress, too unstable. I avoid thinking about asking God if I can date someone, 'cause I feel like it'd be much too easy for whatever good thing I'm in with God to become something seasonal, and I don't plan on letting a future girlfriend have to deal with a season Christian. That'd be the worst.
Then he reminded me of 1 Corinthians 7:7-8 where Paul talks about how it's much better to stay single. He said that without the family, he would be just fine with driving to California and sleeping under a bridge if that's what God said, but with the family, it changes everything.
And that's why I remain single. 'Cause for all my talk about how I'd be more useful in so many other places, as a missionary or whatever, I wouldn't be so useful without being single. The more I want to do for the Lord, the less outside myself and Him I should have to worry about. That means that I kinda need to remain single.
Apart from that, there's also the fact that I always consider myself to be too much of a work in progress, too unstable. I avoid thinking about asking God if I can date someone, 'cause I feel like it'd be much too easy for whatever good thing I'm in with God to become something seasonal, and I don't plan on letting a future girlfriend have to deal with a season Christian. That'd be the worst.
Good Friday Preceded By Crappy Monday-Thursday
I stressed out so much this week. I knew it was going to be a difficult week, despite not having classes on Friday, but it was really just horrible. I had a test in Physics that I had to study hard for, followed by Organic Chemistry lab, which was kicked off by a quiz that I did not know about, and therefore did not study for (not that I had time, with so much to do the night before). And that lab was a part of one of our finals, so it was independent, so none of us were anywhere near finished by the end of lab, despite the fact that a few, like me, stayed overtime as much as possible. And then I came back the day after to attempt to finish it, only to have my carefully purified chemicals fall into a beaker of water, thereby giving me hours more work to do. And after attempting a start on that, the whole procedure was thrown out because everyone's results came out wrong. And then I got a 75 on a poster that was supposed to be an easy A...
Every time one of these came up, I just felled like hope dropped from my hands and I let stress latch itself onto me.
It made me realize that despite what I've felt like throughout this semester, I'm nowhere near where I wanna be (which naturally drives me to write out my frustrations). If I can let stress get to me and not pass it on to God, I'm not where I need to be. I lose perspective. I mean, I start to just look at where I'm at, or the next few years, grad/med school, girls/girlfriends/wives, and then I get stuck at one of those places, or somewhere near. But really, it all belongs to God. I gave up life already, to Him. Regardless of what answers He has/hasn't given me, it doesn't really matter. To quote from one of my favorite Christian songs,
"It really doesn't matter if we make it or not
'Cause it's my delight
To sing all night
Till the sun comes up
Again and again and again and again.
Yes it's my delight
To share a flicker of your light
Just a ray of hope
To a friend, the end."
Not a lot of good Christian music out there, but I think that this manages to capture the essence of a good mindset for any follower of Christ. Honestly, it doesn't matter if I become a doctor, if I make it anywhere after this, if I die after typing these words, or don't manage to ever date a female. All that matters is Christ, and Him crucified and risen, and sharing that message. Hooray for Good Friday.
Every time one of these came up, I just felled like hope dropped from my hands and I let stress latch itself onto me.
It made me realize that despite what I've felt like throughout this semester, I'm nowhere near where I wanna be (which naturally drives me to write out my frustrations). If I can let stress get to me and not pass it on to God, I'm not where I need to be. I lose perspective. I mean, I start to just look at where I'm at, or the next few years, grad/med school, girls/girlfriends/wives, and then I get stuck at one of those places, or somewhere near. But really, it all belongs to God. I gave up life already, to Him. Regardless of what answers He has/hasn't given me, it doesn't really matter. To quote from one of my favorite Christian songs,
"It really doesn't matter if we make it or not
'Cause it's my delight
To sing all night
Till the sun comes up
Again and again and again and again.
Yes it's my delight
To share a flicker of your light
Just a ray of hope
To a friend, the end."
Not a lot of good Christian music out there, but I think that this manages to capture the essence of a good mindset for any follower of Christ. Honestly, it doesn't matter if I become a doctor, if I make it anywhere after this, if I die after typing these words, or don't manage to ever date a female. All that matters is Christ, and Him crucified and risen, and sharing that message. Hooray for Good Friday.
Don't Wanna Blog
Because blogging requires thinking and reflecting on life as it is, and I'm not sure I'm ready to remember what that entails at the moment.
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