Back To The Island?

I found out last night that if I fail the comp this time, I will have to go back to the island to take a review course (the same one I took while on the island and similar to the one I took in Dallas as well). Going back to the island makes the list of the very worst things I can think of, yet here is where I remember whom I place my hope in. I was only ever in this for Jesus. I lose sight of Him pretty regularly, especially since it is oddly difficult to balance a love for Him with a love for studying what He has created. Despite me, and despite the apparent world I live in, I choose to trust Him, to the extent that I still know how to trust Him.

Time to study hard.

Two Weeks

Practice test scores are going down. Having to spend a weekend at home (away from my study area) has done little to help my confidence. Not to mention time lost due to Papa Bill's funeral. I will have two weeks to go hard on all of this material. Two weeks. Maybe it is time to turn the cell phone off, to only take timed breaks. 10- to 12-hour study days. Doing a study program was supposed to help, and it was a nice refresher, but I cannot help but feel like I am just incapable of passing these things.

It would help to be around fellow students, fellow intellectuals, but I am in Texas, where most of my company is anti-intellectual in accordance with our country's leader.

I am struggling to give this up to God, to put my confidence in Him. This Texas style of Christian culture makes me feel like the goals and information I'm learning are antagonistic to the very faith that pushed me to this career path.

Two weeks. I just want to run away from all of it.

Maybe I'm a fool to say it, and past me may disagree, but I miss the days of being poor while backpacking in Europe. Or just my blanket fort. Simpler times, these were. But now I feel like an educated fool.

Studying & Processing

I've been studying a lot, though not nearly as much as I should be. Also, my grandpa, Papa Bill, passed away last week, so I had to take a couple days off of studying for that funeral. I was one of six grandsons who served as pallbearers. The days of studying at the lakehouse tend to blend together, with progress only really tracked through which chapter of pathology I am working through at a given time. Given that and the ever-dissipating amount of time left to study, taking aside any time to write about the passing of Papa Bill seemed too much.

I learned the news while I was watching Logan. If any of you enjoy violent films, this movie was a particularly good one to watch while processing the death of a relative who died of old age.

There's a girl that I want to like, that a friend is trying to set me up with. However, there are a few major issues. The primary issue is that I am wary of anyone who seems overtly Christian, because in my mind as well as the minds of many in our nation, a Christian is one who embraces hypocrisy in their devotion to throwing aside the poor and needy. I have friends who treat their faith like something akin to coming out of the closet when they meet new people. The collective shame of America's Christian culture weighs upon a great many of us. So this girl is very devout. At her family's New Year's party, prayer and worship replaced booze. At this point, unless God very specifically directs otherwise, drinking is an important cultural aspect of my life that I'd want my partner to embrace as well.

The other issues, such as her being more manly than me (she likes hunting and camping and outside), are not nearly as critical.

In any case, I am thankful that I remain outside of a life which requires romance. I will stick to trolling tinder bots.

It Begins Anew, Afresh Even?

Seven weeks in a study program. Much of a week in Arkansas reconnecting with friends from college. And this week, I began studying on my own again. But unlike last semester, I have so far been able to do it in isolation. UWorld question bank scores are (so far) equal to or greater than what they were last semester, and a fair amount of that is due to confidence. I am my biggest obstacle now, which is relieving. Once I get my study habits honed, I may be able to really cover some ground.

As painful as it is to admit, I need to build up my confidence, even if I am tricking myself. Tonight's practice test felt bad at first, but I affirmed myself and then ended up doing better than yesterday. Some days will be worse. But these practice tests are mostly about learning anyway when I review the test answers.

Also, I had been drinking like every day since that study program started. Such is the issue with an early morning. But I have been sober since Sunday. It adds an extra hour or two to study time at night.

The plan is to have social time for one day per week to avoid burnout.

Also, February turned out to have less days than I had hoped, so whoops, I guess that studying started in March.