What Is/Are Friend(s)

My last few posts were from my phone late at night, so I don't know what I wrote, but I'm sure it was all peaches.

So, lately I've had trouble grasping the necessity of keeping up with old friends while I'm away. I guess I just tend to commit to wherever I'm at, which leaves little room for friends outside of my own little world of work, much less friends that are hundreds of miles away. The more those friends expect of my friendship with them, the less inclined I am to keep up with it. It just seems to me that I always have the choice between working hard and diligently, and focusing on people. This showed itself a lot this semester, since I stopped trying to make time for people, instead letting it happen if it happened, and often being willing to say "no" if I thought it would affect me academically.

I don't want to overextend myself. It isn't worth it. I'd rather have no friends but be able to reach more people than have some friends and unable to reach people. Maybe it sounds as if I'm playing with extremes, and that's probably true. But that's kinda how I need to be thinking. Future souls are on the line, peoples' future lives are at stake, and much of it rides on how well I can handle things now.

Dreams of mine like writing books and poetry, going to Disney World, traveling Europe, learning guitar, dancing, finding my wife, and everything else I daydream about, they must all be submitted to The Lord, ready to be sacrificed, 'cause otherwise, they can compete with His purposes rather than jointly serve Him. It is difficult though, especially since I find myself checking the cost of flights to various parts of Europe every day, and looking up YouTube tutorials of dance moves and occasionally picking up my guitar to refresh myself on a few chords.

Parts of 3s

So, I'm rereading this book series, The Wheel Of Time. Well, it was a reread until a few books ago, and now it's almost reached the end. If you don't want spoilers, don't read on, a'ight? So, in the books, the main character, Rand, convinces himself that the only way he can save the world and defeat the Dark One is to make himself cold, distant, and hard. He does this to the point that when his hand his blown off by a fireball, he reacts no more than if he had gotten lint on his jacket.
So unfortunately, I kinda pick up on the emotional trends in these books. Though everyone in the book says it's stupid, I start thinking that I should do what Rand does, mostly because he is always talking about it as he makes decisions.

So I've kinda become distant towards people. Not all people, but it happens often. I guess I just realize how fragile and temporary all relationships are, and since I know that they aren't going to last the way they are for longer than a season, it stops feeling worth it to look past what I have to deal with. Between school, family, planning the future, and trying to discern God's opinion, people just seem like a bother, especially when my investment of time will be worth little after I graduate.

Well, no time to complete that thought. Tired again.

Reflections partso doso

This semester, I quickly realized that in order to do well at school, I would need to minimize social time. I put to rest my rule of always getting coffee with someone every week. I stopped being intentional about friendships.
And I did better at school than I had since freshman year.
But it made a sort of change in me. I began to do away with the thought that had once kept me in check, "If we don't make people a priority, then what's it all for?" Rather, I ended up discovering that I'm an introvert, that though people make me happy, I can make it without them, and I work better that way.
But I also had the problem that I attract people. People love my personality and my humor. I'm a magnet.

It has begun to annoy me, how stupidly favored I am. I'm no better than anyone else... Haha, sorry, that's my time at home talking. My mom generously gave each of the siblings $100, but gave me $300. I was ever so thankful, but also frustrated that my mom would act that biased. And THAT frustration also stems from her treatment of Priscilla.

And here I thought I wouldn't be able to get myself to write much.

Cassie claims to love me as loudly as ever. I treat it all sarcastically, but she sounds serious a lot, even after drinking. That's just plain terrifying. She's just like my mom, except possibly louder, which is quite a feat. I was borderline rude to Cassie this week, 'cause I hesitantly went to her end of the world party, endured her trying to dtr (while I tried pretending to drunken slur through the conversation), and then pretty much ignored her invites the following days.

Senior Fall Reflections (Part 1)

Ah, reflection time.

Well, this was my best semester academically. I don't know yet whether my grades will show it, but this is the best I have ever been, academically. I remember reaching the limit of how much time and effort I had previously been willing to put into a class, how much the class was entitled to, and going far, far beyond that limit. I ended up cutting out intentional social time, though the social time still happened frequently. I attract people, like bees to sweet sweet nectar. Can't help it.

This wasn't my best "me" though. I still have yet to encounter that version of me except when I'm in ministry, on the mission field. Not being in ministry, my youth pastor moving from Texas, where I could occasionally talk to him in person, to California, it continues to take its toll. I feel the effects of the lack of accountability. I forget what standards I have and why I have them. Fortunately, I still keep up with my friend Cameron, who continues to be an example, even when he is going through a rough time, and I'm able to remember my roots as I go through my own struggles

There were many days this semester when the only thing getting me up in the morning was that head trauma patient and the memory of those children being put through needless pain, and my increasing desire to become able to help them. I love pushing myself to minister on mission trips, working harder and harder, but I just want to be able to effectively work against the suffering.

I've had to try to figure out where I'm going. Shortly after my trip to Uganda, I definitively decided not to take the MCAT, and, therefore, not to apply to medical school this year. That left me with a search for grad schools to attend in my gap year between undergrad and medical school. I looked at public health programs first, which my advisors recommended to me. What they didn't tell me was that public health is generally a computational, analytical type of career. Numbers aren't my thing, and Excel and I aren't pillow friends, so I realized that public health probably isn't for me, though the idea of maintaining a standard for the health of the public in a given area was inviting.

I'm tired. Maybe I'll continue later...

Finished With Finals

That means that I'll be writing out the semester's reflections soon...

‎"He who is unable to live in society, or who has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a beast or a god." -Aristotle