*Sigh*

I hate not being in ministry. I hate that my problems are my biggest problems, and that those problems are pretty much made up anyway, just a grading system that decides whether I get to move on from this point of learning to another.

And I hate that I can't say, "Oh, next year will be better" or the year after, or the year after that, because standardized testing is the primary form of testing up until I'm a doctor.

I miss being so close to God. I miss being frustrated that I couldn't hear His voice the way others could. I don't like that I feel so alone in the world, hearing from God so clearly.

I don't know how to deal with my current situation. I'm always sure that I'm going to fail now because when I most definitely should not have failed, I still did so. I am tired of it all and death would be a wonderful release, but that ain't my game, not unless someone forces me to play it (and by all means, do so if you like, but I'm unfortunately quite likable).

"Yes I know I'm but a breath, but I wanna taste and see and feel you nonetheless.
Yeah, the years they keep on turning, and I'm barren but I'm burning for you Lord." -Young Oceans

I feel the passion in this song, feel the passion I once felt, but stirring it back up seems beyond me. Maybe because God is supposed to be the one doing it. All I know is that where I'm at is not where I want to be. I'm always sure that I'm going to fail and I don't want to keep facing tomorrow. I want a new tomorrow to look forward to, one where I'm confident both in my knowledge and in my ability to do well on exams. I want a tomorrow in which I can walk and speak boldly with the spirit of the Lord God Almighty inside of me, and feel it, and see Him work.

...But those days, if they are ever to come, seem a long way off.