Weekend In St Kitts

It was a big weekend. Skipped classes on Friday and the timing worked out so we only got to the hotel half an hour after my family had arrived. My mom and I got massages on the beach and we all had lunch and talked about this and that.

I also had a tinder match from a vet student on this island just a few days before, and she told me that I should meet up with her. After watching a movie with my friends, they dropped me off at the bar where she was. Over the course of like 40 minutes of walking to a wifi spot to message her and then walking back to the bar, she finally spotted me. (Her pictures didn't clearly show her face, and I wasn't about to bet that the pretty girl dancing with all the guys was my tinder match). Moments after greeting me, she said something to a friend to the side about going to the Marriott because there was a "greater chance for makeout", yet I had the feeling that I had already been somewhat dismissed at this point, probably because I was acting so timid. Or socially uncomfortable. Or also who knows.

In any case, her friends were driving back to the Marriott, where I was staying anyway, and I asked if there was room for me. She said that there was, though once again, I was pretty sure that the welcome was forced. The fortunate thing about leaving a bar environment to sit in a car, of course, is that I could make jokes. The guy in the front asked tinder girl who this creeper was in the car, and I replied something to the effect of "Hello captain, my name is London" and introduced myself as the medical student from Nevis. I made a bunch of jokes to ripen the mood, and by the end of that five minute drive, we were all conversing about the differences between our schools and islands.

In the casino portion of the hotel, the tinder girl was chatting up some guys, then soon disappeared, presumably for those makeout opportunities. I made friends with the guys there and then retired for the evening. The tinder girl was cute but did remind me too much of my crazy youngest sister, though far more reserved (which is to say not that reserved). However, meeting someone new from a different school and island was preferable by far to what my friends did, which was pig out, watch some shows, and smoke a cigar.

Of course, before the movie, my friends had asked if I had a rubber for my encounter with tinder girl. I then informed them that I'm still a virgin, that such matters weren't really a concern for me. And they were shocked. Not only because of the fact that I'm relatively fit and attractive (they are obese and alright), but also because I keep up just fine in conversation when wading the waters of double entendres and sexual innuendos. My younger homeschooled self would be proud.

This opened up a flood of questions from my atheist friend. Virginity in his eyes meant some real commitment to a faith, so he began quizzing me on different denominations and spiritual beliefs. I didn't try to preach at him, since I really dislike that concept of evangelism. I just answered in terms of history and culture for the most part. Even though I wasn't actively trying to convert him (though I did joke about it), it was nice that just this part of my life that I've actually managed to give to God despite temptation can change the way a person perceives me and my faith.

On Saturday, my friends were content to sit around and watch CSI for hours until checkout. They both talked about it like it was the ideal, laying in bed while watching that. I was so restless. I wanted to read or do anything else. Anyway, the rest of the story was basically just that we went back to Nevis that day and I watched a James Bond movie before going to sleep.

And now, a week of early wakeups begins. Lab tomorrow and then hospital rotations in the mornings until Friday. We'll see how stupid I end up feeling...

Paaaasssseeeddddd

Okay, I passed both exams as nicely as ever. My higher grade (78, just below class average) was in pharmacology, which was a surprise. Rumor has it that seven questions were dropped from that exam, which would explain how I managed to pass. I made a 75 in pathology, though the average was about the same for both classes. Fortunately, pathology really doesn't worry me that much, since like half of the material is stuff that we've already learned in multiple other classes.

Tomorrow, my mom and brother visit the neighbor island via cruise, so I'm waking up early and traveling to St Kitts with a couple of friends from school.

And I'm so relieved about those grades. I still need to shape up and do way better, but it's not such an awful pressure. Can't say the same for my friends though...

Fear & Anxiety

Over the past couple weeks, every time someone asked "how are you?", I would reply by saying that I wouldn't know until I have some grades posted. As much as I hate it, this seems to be my world. Forever trapped in the question of whether I'll do well enough on exams to get back to America. I've been enjoying learning so much this month; pharmacology in particular is fascinating, with each clinical vignette being like a riddle that I can actually solve. So although days of studying were draining as usual, I still enjoyed it. Until the tests. Pharmacology was a brutal exam. Like, I hope I passed, but I'm not betting on it. So now I've felt this anxiety creeping on me, and the compulsion to constantly check the grades will hit me again and again.

What I hate is that I know this feeling isn't right. I shouldn't be hit with anxiety over something like this, right? Worry never helped anything. Yet here I am, my feelings tied to the results of my collective knowledge tested on a particular exam.

What do I do with that? Submit it to God? Yeah, trying. Work out for endorphins? Done. Booze it up? Beer in hand and hoping to avoid taking it any further.

When that depressive episode hit me last year as a result of grades and having to stay an extra semester, I couldn't stop it. Prayer, Bible, God, workouts, booze, none of it fixed it. It was like a heavy blanket. I could hold it at bay for a little bit, but the weight of it was still always there. So now that I'm a full-time student again, I'm afraid of the same thing happening. Again. Especially since I've come so far...

I'm eight months away from getting off of this rock. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. But that's only if I don't screw this up. I don't want to spend another Thanksgiving here.

So there it is. I have anxiety about these grades. I want to submit them to God, but don't seem able to when actually confronted with the grades.

As it stands, I think I made at least a 50 on pharm and at least a 70 in path. A year ago, of course, I was sure that I'd made at least a 90 in a class, and that turned out to be a 58.

"Don't Waste Your Time"

Some days I try to remember who my friends are, and the feeling hits me that I should ditch most of them. It's an instinct, this thing that tells me that friends who aren't contributing to my own well-being are not good friends to have. And that's said a lot by a lot of people, the whole "don't waste your time on people who don't appreciate you" thing. But I don't see it that way, or, at least, I don't when I give it real thought.

There are a few reasons for this line of thought. The first reason is selfish. It's a networking thing. If I don't burn a bridge, if I remain somewhat in contact with a person, they become a resource for later use; they could, in some country or city or party where you don't know anyone, be your ticket to having a social evening, and meeting others through them who are more your brand of personality.

The second, very fortunate reason, is that people change. People you dismissed as fools or simple-minded people can end up being more educated, or more socially aware, or married, or any number of things that can change a person.

A third reason (I'm sure there are more) is that it's actually not about you. The Bible doesn't leave room for picking and choosing. We're supposed to love everyone, and that often comes at the sacrifice of our own preferences.

Now of course, we're all likely to aim towards our usual friends who seem the best to us, And there's probably not much harm in that. And if you're very sensitive to the words of others, it probably would be wise to take a break from those who you feel tear you down. But as for me, I don't tend to give much weight to the words of others, especially if I don't hold them in high regard. In any case, my self-worth comes from my relationship with Jesus, so any negative words usually seem to reflect poorly on the one they're coming from.

So don't burn bridges.

Ah Yes (Ah No?)

I've been meaning to post for awhile now... Life happened a lot while I was home for break. We went on a cruise. Everyone was nuts and it was honestly exhausting. Given how much drama is in our family now, I can see how people become workaholics, alcoholics, etc...

But that's not why I'm writing now. It was a good break. But now I'm back. The last time I was a full-time student was this semester a year ago. That's when I was thrown into a depression. And now, I'm kinda terrified of the same happening again. I watched a bunch of lectures this weekend, but the doubts always creep in. Like, should I have tried reading from the textbook instead? And I have this sore throat, so I get distracted by that as well...

So I'm just trying to commit it to God. I'll try hard to work hard. If I say "work my hardest", it sounds too much like last year when that mindset got me consistent failing grades.

I normally write out reflections for the new year, but I'm falling short this year, even knowing that these reflections help me to grow more as a person and as a Christian. Last year was maybe my toughest to date. It certainly had some of the lowest points to date. Exercise doesn't shake off depression; it was like being draped with a persistent unhappy that you can't seem to get rid of.

But now I've long since recovered from that. Unless I fail something (and I am very genuinely terrified of that), I get to leave the island in August.

I have more friends who want to travel, so if I go again, I won't have to do so alone. And I won't do it in as impoverished a fashion as before; I had my taste already. My current schedule will leave me with an extra ten months around rotations, so as long as I can adequately explain what I did with that extra time to a residency director, I should be okay. So really, I have no idea.

Anyway, I've got some classes to fail. I'm playing patient tomorrow for playing doctor class, and this abdominal pain isn't going to fake itself.