Having someone like you in return is weird. It seems treacherous. I have not asked God about her because I am moving in a week. She is also in the midst of making life changes to become a better human and Christian, as am I, but if I was a betting man, I would not expect God to give the green light for us as each of us are now. No matter how much of a delight that would be. Maybe I should write out all the things I like about her. Maybe I will start writing letters. Well, perhaps I should not. She will likely find someone else while I am gone.
I have been researching apartments in Houston. On the advice of a friend's friend who lived there, I am probably going to be paying twice as much as I have ever paid for an apartment due to the need to avoid bad neighborhoods. A thousand dollars per month seems crazy, but on the bright side, each one looks like a hotel room at a resort. The resort style pools, fitness centers, and game rooms are not hurting anything either.
In other news, it turns out that I have been leading someone on for a long while. I have rules for a reason, but I dance around them. Though I feel as if I made myself clear on how I go about the dating process, flirting is not harmless. It resulted in confusion. So that is a good reason to be moving. I apologized and threw the blame on myself because that is easier than placing it on anyone else. I get the feeling that I am better than most people when it comes to writing out my issues in order to process them. I can deal with things better than most, so I will take on the burden when I can. Because once I get it figured out with God, it is no longer my burden. Anyway, I spent much of today feeling terrible about how I had made her feel.
Saturday, February 17, 2018
Wednesday, February 14, 2018
Valentine's Day
Most single people seem so bitter about Valentine's Day, but it manages to be one of my favorite times of year. Christmas is big on presents of course, but nothing allows and excuses overly gushy gifts like Valentine's Day. Due to my parents' divorce, I have many fears about my ability to be a good husband, but I know that I can be the best on Valentine's Day. Making origami gifts with accompanying poetry is my jam. That and performing are the only two things that I know I am good at doing.
I only made two this year. One was for a good friend who is currently divorcing her husband. The basic rule for these valentines is that they are meant to keep my good pretty lady friends from going through Valentine's Day without being made special to some extent. Since I assumed that she would not be feeling so special in that regard, I of course made one for her. The other I made for another friend who has been a welcome breath of relief for me.
I have written about her here before, and she still seems an oddity. Too many good qualities in a human for her to still be single. She got out of bad relationships fairly recently, and I am about to move away for two years (at least), so it would not make sense for me to ask God about her. The timing just does not work. That being said, I wrote her a poem that expressed these things a week ago, and, in the meantime, found that she feels at least somewhat similar toward me. This is very off-brand for me, to have feelings be mutual. I have playlists and writings and desires set aside for when things become real, with the assumption in the back of my mind that these will never have their place aside from when I want to write sad poetry on my own to embrace the pervading loneliness. Thus far, I feel as if I have only really fallen in love with places. Belfast, Edinburgh, Paris...
Since I am always moving to new places, no person has felt permanent. Cities are safe things in which to fall in love. Also, I do not like the term "fall in love", at least not as casually as a great many people seem to prefer it used. Feelings being so faulty and variable, I just do not see it as an initial thing. First you make sure that the logical side works, and then you throw feelings on top of that.
Anyway, this is a weird Valentine's Day. Even a pseudo-real valentine is a weird thing.
I only made two this year. One was for a good friend who is currently divorcing her husband. The basic rule for these valentines is that they are meant to keep my good pretty lady friends from going through Valentine's Day without being made special to some extent. Since I assumed that she would not be feeling so special in that regard, I of course made one for her. The other I made for another friend who has been a welcome breath of relief for me.
I have written about her here before, and she still seems an oddity. Too many good qualities in a human for her to still be single. She got out of bad relationships fairly recently, and I am about to move away for two years (at least), so it would not make sense for me to ask God about her. The timing just does not work. That being said, I wrote her a poem that expressed these things a week ago, and, in the meantime, found that she feels at least somewhat similar toward me. This is very off-brand for me, to have feelings be mutual. I have playlists and writings and desires set aside for when things become real, with the assumption in the back of my mind that these will never have their place aside from when I want to write sad poetry on my own to embrace the pervading loneliness. Thus far, I feel as if I have only really fallen in love with places. Belfast, Edinburgh, Paris...
Since I am always moving to new places, no person has felt permanent. Cities are safe things in which to fall in love. Also, I do not like the term "fall in love", at least not as casually as a great many people seem to prefer it used. Feelings being so faulty and variable, I just do not see it as an initial thing. First you make sure that the logical side works, and then you throw feelings on top of that.
Anyway, this is a weird Valentine's Day. Even a pseudo-real valentine is a weird thing.
Thursday, February 8, 2018
A Little Over Three Weeks
The days pass. I stand and watch, but hardly more than that. The need to take care of responsibilities is not yet pressing. I adore the time I spend with my few close friends here. The next year will be extremely difficult, but such a different flavor of adversity that I suppose I should be looking forward to it. It will be real and I am not prepared for it, but I suppose that we never are prepared for the best things in life, and that is how they instill so much in us.
The initial shock of passing that exam has mostly abated, so that I am able to sit and just be a little. It has been so many years since I last had such a huge period of time with no fear of failure hanging over my head, no upcoming test that could potentially trash my dreams of becoming a doctor.
The hope is beginning to seem somewhat real. The other day, with family, I was discussing how much money I had, and how much I was to receive, and it turns out that I have enough to cover tuition until I graduate. And more money is likely to arrive, which means that I could possibly choose an apartment that is not in squalor. Since I will be living in Houston for two years, I will probably be attempting to find a good place.
A little over three weeks until I work in hospitals. I ordered textbooks tonight and will be apartment hunting soon. It is very intimidating. I have had time to forget many clinical skills learned at my previous medical school, and family medicine, my first rotation, will also involve suturing. Suturing is a skill that I have practice a few times and then forgotten because I never had need to sew up a patient after an exam on the computer.
The initial shock of passing that exam has mostly abated, so that I am able to sit and just be a little. It has been so many years since I last had such a huge period of time with no fear of failure hanging over my head, no upcoming test that could potentially trash my dreams of becoming a doctor.
The hope is beginning to seem somewhat real. The other day, with family, I was discussing how much money I had, and how much I was to receive, and it turns out that I have enough to cover tuition until I graduate. And more money is likely to arrive, which means that I could possibly choose an apartment that is not in squalor. Since I will be living in Houston for two years, I will probably be attempting to find a good place.
A little over three weeks until I work in hospitals. I ordered textbooks tonight and will be apartment hunting soon. It is very intimidating. I have had time to forget many clinical skills learned at my previous medical school, and family medicine, my first rotation, will also involve suturing. Suturing is a skill that I have practice a few times and then forgotten because I never had need to sew up a patient after an exam on the computer.
Sunday, February 4, 2018
Overanalytical
Maybe I am this way right off the bat, or perhaps it is due to a life lived with caution regarding relationships, but I find that I am overanalytical when it comes to relational interactions. I should probably never make it a rule to send texts after spending time with someone to follow up and make sure that such and such was not an issue, because in reality, such and such is very rarely an issue.
Seeing the underlying possibilities of what people might think or assume makes me pretty good at ethics questions on exams, but a poor judge when it comes to deliberating what should be communicated after a given interaction. Sometimes, I wish that I could just plug into someone else's brain, that all of our thoughts and feelings and understandings could be instantly related so that there is no guesswork. But that would rob us of the social nuances that make up relationships on a basic level. And since that is what people are generally going for...
Also, Cloverfield Paradox was a good movie. Not that I was doubting J.J. Abrams, but really, he is a master.
Seeing the underlying possibilities of what people might think or assume makes me pretty good at ethics questions on exams, but a poor judge when it comes to deliberating what should be communicated after a given interaction. Sometimes, I wish that I could just plug into someone else's brain, that all of our thoughts and feelings and understandings could be instantly related so that there is no guesswork. But that would rob us of the social nuances that make up relationships on a basic level. And since that is what people are generally going for...
Also, Cloverfield Paradox was a good movie. Not that I was doubting J.J. Abrams, but really, he is a master.
Friday, February 2, 2018
Too Many Things In One Thing
Thus do the preparations begin. I went to my old work to get my labs done for clinical rotations (and made way too many jokes about what my HIV test results could be). I have admittedly been distracted from taking care of the rest of my responsibilities in that realm, still having only asked cursory questions regarding housing in Houston. If I want to find a good place, I will really need to really get after it. After all, it will be my home for (at least) two years.
I have been watching Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee, and it is almost annoying how much my train of thought relates to theirs. Sometimes I start to think that I should try stand-up, but then I remember a fall retreat from back in high school. We had a guest speaker who was hilarious the whole time he preached. His jokes were both dumb and clever enough to hold the attention of junior and senior high students alike, which is not always an easy task. At his merch table, he also sold videos of his stand-up routine, which I thought was odd. But I bought one because he had already been so funny thus far. But when I watched it, impressions and jokes that had been so organic within the meshwork of his sermon seemed inadequate when forced to stand alone as centerpieces in his comedy act. It is important to recognize that different types of humors only fit in certain contexts, so when someone says "you should do stand-up", they may be encouraging an awful thing.
If I understand this timing correctly, I am around two years away from earning my MD, to receiving paychecks. And depending on the residency, maybe, possibly, I am only a few years from finally going on the mission field in a far more useful capacity.
This has me also thinking of the dating world. In my yearning to become more well-rounded, to be able to relate to and reach as many people as possible, I spend free time gaining exposure to people different from myself, whether in race, religion, values, or whatever else. Relating to all, from the nerdy to the dull, from the fit to the fat, this is a major objective. And last fall's crush led me to realize that this is an important quality to seek in whoever I end up with. She was remarkable in a lot of ways, but even aside from the likely romantic disinterest on her part, I was fairly sure that she did not have the versatility to be adept in every sort of crowd. And that adaptability seems more or less essential. I kinda feel like an impossible person, too many things smashed into one body, and maybe I need to find something similar in someone else. Or whatever. Maybe God will just kill me off first. *fingers crossed*
I have been watching Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee, and it is almost annoying how much my train of thought relates to theirs. Sometimes I start to think that I should try stand-up, but then I remember a fall retreat from back in high school. We had a guest speaker who was hilarious the whole time he preached. His jokes were both dumb and clever enough to hold the attention of junior and senior high students alike, which is not always an easy task. At his merch table, he also sold videos of his stand-up routine, which I thought was odd. But I bought one because he had already been so funny thus far. But when I watched it, impressions and jokes that had been so organic within the meshwork of his sermon seemed inadequate when forced to stand alone as centerpieces in his comedy act. It is important to recognize that different types of humors only fit in certain contexts, so when someone says "you should do stand-up", they may be encouraging an awful thing.
If I understand this timing correctly, I am around two years away from earning my MD, to receiving paychecks. And depending on the residency, maybe, possibly, I am only a few years from finally going on the mission field in a far more useful capacity.
This has me also thinking of the dating world. In my yearning to become more well-rounded, to be able to relate to and reach as many people as possible, I spend free time gaining exposure to people different from myself, whether in race, religion, values, or whatever else. Relating to all, from the nerdy to the dull, from the fit to the fat, this is a major objective. And last fall's crush led me to realize that this is an important quality to seek in whoever I end up with. She was remarkable in a lot of ways, but even aside from the likely romantic disinterest on her part, I was fairly sure that she did not have the versatility to be adept in every sort of crowd. And that adaptability seems more or less essential. I kinda feel like an impossible person, too many things smashed into one body, and maybe I need to find something similar in someone else. Or whatever. Maybe God will just kill me off first. *fingers crossed*
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