How long has it been? The clock has recently struck upon Christmas Day and I have of course made sure to message some funny tweets out, mostly because I wanted an excuse to text a girl that I have been liking. Since she became a nurse, many of the reservations I had regarding her have been assuaged. Many of our big picture interests align, but she is still quite country, and I am very much not. Still though, she is the closest thing to a match that I have yet come across, and she seems to have a similar interest in me.
I auditioned for America's Got Talent. I should find out whether I made it onto that in a month or two. I also plan to buy tickets to SE Asia soon, and will unfortunately have to buy travel insurance to prepare for the potentially possible event that I make it onto America's Got Talent and must leave SE Asia early.
In a couple of days, I will finish the last of my clinical rotations. Then I can simply study, with nothing else on the horizon aside from my future travels.
I miss hanging out with God. I hope that when I finish this clinical rotation and begin studying and writing, I will be able to align my focus more appropriately once again. This is not only for my own sake, but also for the sake of that girl. She would accept no less than a Christian as committed to the Word as I have always been up until recent months.
Tuesday, December 24, 2019
Thursday, October 24, 2019
Month Of Nada
It has been a roughly a month since I found out that I failed my exam, and though the acute phase of that defeated burnout feeling has abated, the continual issues with even getting my residency application complete have left me with little drive. Every time I open up the quizzes, I make it only a portion of the way through a given question before my mind strays.
I spent the better part of two years studying and stressing, with barely a break thrown in. No Christmas, no Thanksgiving, just working and studying. And when self-discipline and self-motivation are the only forces in your life that can keep you on track in a very competitive world, well, the loss of those forces can stop everything in their tracks.
The podcast remains the fulfilling constant in my life, despite the fact that it is not growing. The other day, another podcaster listened to it for the first time when he was discussing having me on his podcast, and he was amazed at our content, given that it is funny, educational, and well-produced. All we need are 10,000 more listeners like him and we can get advertisers!
Anyway, it is refreshing to be back in that phase of life in which people keep asking about medical school and I keep having no good answers for them. 'Tis the season!
I spent the better part of two years studying and stressing, with barely a break thrown in. No Christmas, no Thanksgiving, just working and studying. And when self-discipline and self-motivation are the only forces in your life that can keep you on track in a very competitive world, well, the loss of those forces can stop everything in their tracks.
The podcast remains the fulfilling constant in my life, despite the fact that it is not growing. The other day, another podcaster listened to it for the first time when he was discussing having me on his podcast, and he was amazed at our content, given that it is funny, educational, and well-produced. All we need are 10,000 more listeners like him and we can get advertisers!
Anyway, it is refreshing to be back in that phase of life in which people keep asking about medical school and I keep having no good answers for them. 'Tis the season!
Monday, October 7, 2019
Lil' Tidbit From Bible
Reading up in Galatians today and I ran across something odd. So, the predominating theme in Galatians is that salvation comes by faith rather than works or "the law", and the Apostle Paul makes an odd characterization of the law at one point. In 3:24-25, the passage says "So the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ that we might be justified by faith. Now that faith has come, we are no longer under the supervision of the law."
In the theological commentary for this study Bible, it is further explained that the expression "was put in charge" comes from the Greek "paidagogos" (from which "pedagogue" is derived). It refers to the personal slave-attendant who accompanied a freeborn boy wherever he went and exercised a certain amount of discipline over him. His function was more like that of a babysitter than a teacher.
So the law, the "rules" of the Christian faith, are there more in a supervising babysitter fashion. They are necessary much of the time, but in no household are the words of the babysitter the ultimate authority. Rather, they are helpful, filled with general truths, but are limited in their effectiveness and capacity for good.
I think of passages like this when people refuse to give ground on their homophobia or even an otherwise negative disposition toward those who are more morally loose than others. A lot of practices may have negative associations, but the rulebook we have was not intended to decide their salvation. Jesus Christ crucified, risen, and coming again is how salvation is defined. The rest is padding and context, and certainly not meant to be used as justification for beliefs or actions based outside of love.
Saturday, October 5, 2019
Wet Blanket
Sometimes, you reach a point where you just cannot move. Failures are compounded by complications outside of your control and you find yourself without the will to continue. You throw yourself at these problems over and over again, and when you burn yourself out in doing so, and the end result is failure, you are left in a stunned state. How compromised am I on how many levels? Spiritually? Physically? Emotionally? Psychologically? And all for the sake of pursuing this stupid dream of helping people, of saving the world. I was flying high for a little bit, shining in clinical rotations. But then push most certainly becomes shove when the time comes to prove yourself on exams, and I just cannot handle it.
I detest this place I am currently in. Time is slipping away with my noncompliant mind refusing to study. I keep drinking because that at least softens things for a few hours at night, even though I know that it reinforces the depression. And yes, the depression that had mostly been lifted at the beginning of summer came back to cloak me in its wet blanket. With it has come anxiety, which had never seemed quite so overwhelming as it is now.
I just feel used up in all the wrong ways. I have so much to give, so many talents, most of which have simply been put aside for years in order to make me able to do this stupid medicine thing. And then I cannot even do it when the time comes. All in the pursuit of this dream that God gave me, and then ironically, I drift further from Him too as a result. The views that I have developed as a medical scientist have pushed me further from the beliefs of fellow Christians, so that I do not prefer the please of the company of many of them, despite the fact that my beliefs regarding modern controversies are foundationally derived from the very same faith as theirs.
I no longer live on an island, but is this life so different?
Remember when I used to write about my fun and exciting take on what God was doing in me and my friends? I was reading Galations 2 today and the Apostle Paul did his whole thing of telling the Apostle Peter that he was wrong to stop eating with gentiles when Jews walked in, but man did he make a long speech about it. Eyes were rolling hard over here. Come on Paul, cool your jets. I just imagine Peter being kind of stunned and then just assuring Paul that yes, he is right, so let us just move on.
I detest this place I am currently in. Time is slipping away with my noncompliant mind refusing to study. I keep drinking because that at least softens things for a few hours at night, even though I know that it reinforces the depression. And yes, the depression that had mostly been lifted at the beginning of summer came back to cloak me in its wet blanket. With it has come anxiety, which had never seemed quite so overwhelming as it is now.
I just feel used up in all the wrong ways. I have so much to give, so many talents, most of which have simply been put aside for years in order to make me able to do this stupid medicine thing. And then I cannot even do it when the time comes. All in the pursuit of this dream that God gave me, and then ironically, I drift further from Him too as a result. The views that I have developed as a medical scientist have pushed me further from the beliefs of fellow Christians, so that I do not prefer the please of the company of many of them, despite the fact that my beliefs regarding modern controversies are foundationally derived from the very same faith as theirs.
I no longer live on an island, but is this life so different?
Remember when I used to write about my fun and exciting take on what God was doing in me and my friends? I was reading Galations 2 today and the Apostle Paul did his whole thing of telling the Apostle Peter that he was wrong to stop eating with gentiles when Jews walked in, but man did he make a long speech about it. Eyes were rolling hard over here. Come on Paul, cool your jets. I just imagine Peter being kind of stunned and then just assuring Paul that yes, he is right, so let us just move on.
Monday, September 30, 2019
Picking Myself Up. Again.
What does one do when they find out that they failed everything? Well, ideally, I would pick myself up and try again. But basically, I just kept working that neurology rotation. Finished that last week. So now I have a month until I am tentatively planning to do my next rotation, and in that time, I am supposed to study enough to pass that test.
The reality that I had imagined was that I would have this month to relax. I wreck my mind and body, deny myself fun and pleasure and relationships, all with the understood condition that this is a temporary state. But no, I am meant to simply get back to the grind, even with residency quickly becoming less likely and the daunting revelation that I will likely have to find something else to do within medicine for a year with a medical doctorate. Given that knowledge, I am supposed to just start studying for this test again.
Can I just say what I would rather do at this point? The most fulfilling thing in the last year of my life has been this podcast. Never before have I been able to actually utilize so much of my creative energy. And I just feel as if I am genuinely good at it. All of the planning, script writing, character building, reconnecting with old friends to have them on (which reminded me just now to text an old friend from college), it just feels as if this is what I was meant to do.
That being said, I just need to come around and face this. But I have been sitting at Starbucks for two hours, unable to make myself study. I have so much anxiety, so long term, with no relief.
I met up with a girl I had liked a few years ago. Model, recently graduated from nursing school, starting her new job tomorrow. A lot had changed for her since she made it through nursing school. For one, she was very agreeable to the prospect of going out for drinks. So we went to a brewery, and our conversation was so nice. Because I was no longer romantically interested in her, and also because as far as I knew, she had a boyfriend, I was not nervous to be around her. This in turn meant that I was very funny and charming, and though she left town the following day, she later texted me hinting that I should visit her in San Antonio for their version of Oktoberfest. Our conversation had me questioning some things. After all, she is most of the things on my list of what I am looking for in a person, but what am I at this point? I do not necessarily recognize myself or where I am with God. Okay, that is just me overthinking the basics of what was a very mutually pleasant outing.
Time to leave this Starbucks to go home and see if I can muster up enough inspiration to get to really studying today.
The reality that I had imagined was that I would have this month to relax. I wreck my mind and body, deny myself fun and pleasure and relationships, all with the understood condition that this is a temporary state. But no, I am meant to simply get back to the grind, even with residency quickly becoming less likely and the daunting revelation that I will likely have to find something else to do within medicine for a year with a medical doctorate. Given that knowledge, I am supposed to just start studying for this test again.
Can I just say what I would rather do at this point? The most fulfilling thing in the last year of my life has been this podcast. Never before have I been able to actually utilize so much of my creative energy. And I just feel as if I am genuinely good at it. All of the planning, script writing, character building, reconnecting with old friends to have them on (which reminded me just now to text an old friend from college), it just feels as if this is what I was meant to do.
That being said, I just need to come around and face this. But I have been sitting at Starbucks for two hours, unable to make myself study. I have so much anxiety, so long term, with no relief.
I met up with a girl I had liked a few years ago. Model, recently graduated from nursing school, starting her new job tomorrow. A lot had changed for her since she made it through nursing school. For one, she was very agreeable to the prospect of going out for drinks. So we went to a brewery, and our conversation was so nice. Because I was no longer romantically interested in her, and also because as far as I knew, she had a boyfriend, I was not nervous to be around her. This in turn meant that I was very funny and charming, and though she left town the following day, she later texted me hinting that I should visit her in San Antonio for their version of Oktoberfest. Our conversation had me questioning some things. After all, she is most of the things on my list of what I am looking for in a person, but what am I at this point? I do not necessarily recognize myself or where I am with God. Okay, that is just me overthinking the basics of what was a very mutually pleasant outing.
Time to leave this Starbucks to go home and see if I can muster up enough inspiration to get to really studying today.
Saturday, September 14, 2019
Failed Every Test
Well, I failed that exam. This means that I have failed every major exam in medical school. Because of this, I am naturally having to reconsider my path for the next year and a half. Even if I had passed these exams, residency interviews were never a guarantee. Since I have now failed each and every one of them, I just... I am so exhausted on so many levels. I have given up so much of my years of youth, and all for the sake of this continually impossible thing. I gave this test to God before taking it, and during the exam, and since then. And I spent ten minutes before opening that failing email just reassuring myself that I probably failed, and that is okay because it belongs to God anyway.
But even if I retake the tests next month (which is the plan), the only residency that I have a chance of getting into is still merely that, a chance. The likelihood is that I will not get a residency next year. I certainly would not give me an interview if I were in the position of the residency directors, much less a residency position.
On top of all of this, when I requested a transcript from my school, they were missing most of the evaluations from my rotations last year. And the agency that manages my rotations has not responded to my emails about it, so I have to call them up next week even though applications go out tomorrow.
So I have failed all of the tests, cannot retrieve my transcript to apply to residencies, and am frankly just so exhausted and depressed from everything that led up to this point that I do not know how to deal with it.
The only thing in my life that seems good and fulfilling is this comedy podcast. At least that makes me feel successful and intelligent. Granted, the statistics we have for it make it similar to my test scores in that we have not exactly been blowing up in popularity.
So next year, I just do not know. The blog posts about people who did not get a residency read similarly to those about people who fail these exams, just depressing. I will have to find some job that allows me to have clinical interactions. And it will be tricky because by then, I will presumably have passed my exams and become an M.D., so I will no longer be a student with the student access to a clinical setting under the supervision of a doctor. I just do not know. Ideally, I would find something that pays and also gives credits toward residency, but from what I understand, that does not exist without having already completed the intern year. I have looked at missions work, like the possibility of getting my feet wet before I really start residency, but I would want to generate income rather than having to raise money by asking for donations. If what I am looking for exists, then I do not know how to find it.
Times are tough. I keep being reminded that I am so much better at so many other things and that, as always, God has told me to go on this path that is not a legitimate match for me. At least now it is more a question of when rather than if, but that is a small comfort in the face of failure with the expectation that I must push through my current and very present failures to continue studying. I could take that exam a great many times, but the studying for it has been so crippling.
But maybe this podcast will be something...
But even if I retake the tests next month (which is the plan), the only residency that I have a chance of getting into is still merely that, a chance. The likelihood is that I will not get a residency next year. I certainly would not give me an interview if I were in the position of the residency directors, much less a residency position.
On top of all of this, when I requested a transcript from my school, they were missing most of the evaluations from my rotations last year. And the agency that manages my rotations has not responded to my emails about it, so I have to call them up next week even though applications go out tomorrow.
So I have failed all of the tests, cannot retrieve my transcript to apply to residencies, and am frankly just so exhausted and depressed from everything that led up to this point that I do not know how to deal with it.
The only thing in my life that seems good and fulfilling is this comedy podcast. At least that makes me feel successful and intelligent. Granted, the statistics we have for it make it similar to my test scores in that we have not exactly been blowing up in popularity.
So next year, I just do not know. The blog posts about people who did not get a residency read similarly to those about people who fail these exams, just depressing. I will have to find some job that allows me to have clinical interactions. And it will be tricky because by then, I will presumably have passed my exams and become an M.D., so I will no longer be a student with the student access to a clinical setting under the supervision of a doctor. I just do not know. Ideally, I would find something that pays and also gives credits toward residency, but from what I understand, that does not exist without having already completed the intern year. I have looked at missions work, like the possibility of getting my feet wet before I really start residency, but I would want to generate income rather than having to raise money by asking for donations. If what I am looking for exists, then I do not know how to find it.
Times are tough. I keep being reminded that I am so much better at so many other things and that, as always, God has told me to go on this path that is not a legitimate match for me. At least now it is more a question of when rather than if, but that is a small comfort in the face of failure with the expectation that I must push through my current and very present failures to continue studying. I could take that exam a great many times, but the studying for it has been so crippling.
But maybe this podcast will be something...
Friday, September 6, 2019
Started Neuro & Dreading Scores
I started my neurology rotation this week. The doctor with whom I am working has been easy, not making me do anything. In fact, he primarily just complains to myself and to patients about patients and doctors and the overall state of the world. All day, every day. I have of course been learning a lot too. For one thing, treatment options for seizures in the neuro section of my textbook are just plain wrong. In addition, a focused neurological exam is not as terrifying as I had thought, and I think I can be good at doing it in an appropriately abbreviated way in the future. Having never really seen a neurological exam done properly in the past, it had remained a fearful unknown.
Next week, I will be working with the main doctor, for whom I had previously worked as a medical assistant years ago. From my understanding, she is far more thorough, so I will need to study up this weekend.
On Wednesday, I am likely to receive my exam scores from a few weeks ago. Parts of me have tried to speak up and say things like "But what if you passed? How amazing would that be?" But let's be real. I likely failed that thing. And I just do not want to deal with falling from the greater metaphorical height of presumed good scores, because the impact of that fall is worse than just a neutral or failing approach. Family keeps asking me how I think I did. Honestly, I think that I failed, but I have just told them that I do not know, which is also true.
In the world of my podcast, it is not growing, but it is not losing listeners either. It just needs more exposure, and some cross-promotion from other podcasts is likely the best route for that. Oh, and I also found an audio interface at a low price, so I am finally able to record without finding other friends to manage that portion.
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
Days Later...
Well the knots in my shoulders are still there, but at least the continuous tension that led to their development has faded since that exam. I do not know how I did on that 9-hour exam, but I sure did not enjoy it or feel great while taking it.
I knew that I needed some form of relief as well as encouragement, so after recuperating for the weekend, I drove to Arkansas. A good friend of mine is in his last year of residency and is planning to get me a spot here if I can pass exams, so I am staying at his place.
I am currently sitting in my undergrad university's small town popular coffee shop, wondering about how this second home of mine has changed, wondering if, in my desire to return to living in this place, I have pursued an objective that is rooted too thoroughly in the memories and experiences of college rather than in a legitimate approach to my own future enjoyment of life. I mean, I do expect that it would be preferable to live here rather than the town that has claimed so many years of my life, but I should still probably refrain from idealizing it overmuch.
I saw the latest Spider-Man movie on the day before that exam. A whole overarching plot of that movie was that he had a crush on a girl, and wanted to put his overwhelming responsibilities to the side in order to do something about it. Eventually, their closer interactions were a help to beating the bad guys rather than being a hindrance, and the movie ended nicely in that regard. Given that the test was to come the day after watching it, I chose to let myself hold onto some hopefulness there. Maybe it is not too late for me...
At this point, I should be working on my residency applications, but that is proving to be a difficult task. Perhaps after several drinks this evening...
Thursday, August 22, 2019
The Day Before The Exam
Ah, the day before the exam that decides so, so very much. A call from my chief resident friend the other day consisted mostly of us both agreeing that I should really try to pass this test. If I do, he is pretty sure that he can get me a residency position. And that would be lovely. However, I am just unsure about tomorrow's exam.
On the other hand, I am so very ready to be done with heavy studying for a period of time. Even imagining 2-3 weeks of no hardcore studying... the knots in my shoulders cannot even contemplate that. And yet, that will happen tomorrow. And then a whole week and a half before I start my neurology rotation where I used to work. Finally, a chance to pay them to work.
So today is the odd balance between trying to read over the review sheets I made for myself and just trying to make myself relax enough to do well tomorrow. This test is annoying in that I feel as if the biggest contributor to getting questions wrong is just in the way that you are thinking, as opposed to being unable to recall a given answer. The answer is often there if you can connect the right neurons together.
On the other hand, I am so very ready to be done with heavy studying for a period of time. Even imagining 2-3 weeks of no hardcore studying... the knots in my shoulders cannot even contemplate that. And yet, that will happen tomorrow. And then a whole week and a half before I start my neurology rotation where I used to work. Finally, a chance to pay them to work.
So today is the odd balance between trying to read over the review sheets I made for myself and just trying to make myself relax enough to do well tomorrow. This test is annoying in that I feel as if the biggest contributor to getting questions wrong is just in the way that you are thinking, as opposed to being unable to recall a given answer. The answer is often there if you can connect the right neurons together.
Wednesday, August 14, 2019
Failed CS
Feeling pretty despondent. Learned this morning that I failed my Step 2 CS exam, the one in which 2/3 of the grade is based on being nice and speaking English. Unfortunately, failing any third of that exam means failing the whole thing, and I was apparently remarkably awful at the clinical third of the exam. My notes, including diagnoses, must have just been absolute trash. For a couple of them, I get it, but it seems like a harsh grade compared to what I had heard of the exam.
I am trying to just focus on studying but it honestly just pisses me off. Not how they graded, because whatever, I fail everything, but how I am not made for this. This whole medical thing is not a good fit for me. I am not good enough at it and furthermore, I am good at other things. I could have been an actor, producer, director, writer, but no, I abandoned all of that because God said to go after this medicine thing. And I grew to like it, but you know what? Right now, I hate it. It sucks that I fail the easiest standardized exam of the whole thing, and that I will probably fail next week's exam. That's $1k per exam + travel/lodging, and for what? So that I can be dissatisfied with it and wishing to participate in more creative ventures? So I can compromise my values and become more and more selfish and lose connections with dear friends?
And guess what? If I manage to pass these stupid exams, my reward is to ask residencies to consider hiring me into the most stressful time of my life, three years of intense training with crazy hours.
I just want to be dead. I do not even feel particularly depressed, just frustrated and angry. I study for months to be better and my scores do not consistently improve. I have little in the way of a social life. I just...
At this point, I just want to run away. I just want to go explore another part of the world and avoid this. Years of work, of developing depressive symptoms, of my youth, of huge creative potential that will never be realized because God told me to do something that He neglected to design me to accomplish. It is almost as if He thought "hey, let's give this guy everything he needs to accomplish great things for me, and then tell him to do something that does not fall into any of his talents."
So I guess I will try to study today since the more critical test is next week. Scored okay on a practice test last night... Just have to score slightly better than okay on the real one in order to pass... Ugh.
I am trying to just focus on studying but it honestly just pisses me off. Not how they graded, because whatever, I fail everything, but how I am not made for this. This whole medical thing is not a good fit for me. I am not good enough at it and furthermore, I am good at other things. I could have been an actor, producer, director, writer, but no, I abandoned all of that because God said to go after this medicine thing. And I grew to like it, but you know what? Right now, I hate it. It sucks that I fail the easiest standardized exam of the whole thing, and that I will probably fail next week's exam. That's $1k per exam + travel/lodging, and for what? So that I can be dissatisfied with it and wishing to participate in more creative ventures? So I can compromise my values and become more and more selfish and lose connections with dear friends?
And guess what? If I manage to pass these stupid exams, my reward is to ask residencies to consider hiring me into the most stressful time of my life, three years of intense training with crazy hours.
I just want to be dead. I do not even feel particularly depressed, just frustrated and angry. I study for months to be better and my scores do not consistently improve. I have little in the way of a social life. I just...
At this point, I just want to run away. I just want to go explore another part of the world and avoid this. Years of work, of developing depressive symptoms, of my youth, of huge creative potential that will never be realized because God told me to do something that He neglected to design me to accomplish. It is almost as if He thought "hey, let's give this guy everything he needs to accomplish great things for me, and then tell him to do something that does not fall into any of his talents."
So I guess I will try to study today since the more critical test is next week. Scored okay on a practice test last night... Just have to score slightly better than okay on the real one in order to pass... Ugh.
Tuesday, August 6, 2019
Was Paul Wrong in 1 Corinthians 5?
Feeling a tad better today. Unless a social event intervenes, I think that I will go back to working out every other day, since I apparently have renewed need for an antidepressant. And it will get in the way of social events because the temperature reaches 100 degrees Fahrenheit, so prime time to go jogging is around 7 or 8 PM.
Two weeks from today will be my last official big day of studying. So now the focus has turned from trying to study everything to trying to study the shelf exam quizlets, in large part because I had to do the same thing for my shelf exams after the usual practice test questions became too difficult, specific, and discouraging.
I was reading 1 Corinthians 5 today and I found myself disagreeing with the Apostle Paul. He talked about expelling from one's company those who are practicing sexual immorality, and the basis for the argument seemed to be that it would undermine the message that Christians profess. However, I would contest that this is the very criticism which Jesus received, that He spent all of his time in the company of drunkards and prostitutes. Furthermore, in my experience, being friendly and nonjudgmental of slutty friends allowed me the privilege of speaking God's truth into their lives much more once they finally recognized the lack of fulfillment brought on by that manner of living.
This really has been an issue for me lately, the question of whether certain mannerisms and traditions in the Bible, even in the New Testament, are practical, either in the sense of normal living or in the sense of effective ministry. I try to always show love to friends regardless of my perception of their soul's state regarding salvation or the sinful life through which they seem to wade, and from what I have been able to ascertain, they appreciate me and my approach.
Though the Apostle Paul certainly painted a beautiful understanding of theology and the intertwined significance of the Old and New Testaments in relation to Jesus Christ, I cannot help but feel as if some of his approach is what brought about the legalism in Christianity which sometimes may not agree with the approach that Jesus utilized during his ministry.
After all, would the Apostle Paul have approved of Jesus keeping the company of drunkards and prostitutes, thereby acquiring a poorer reputation through affiliation?
Two weeks from today will be my last official big day of studying. So now the focus has turned from trying to study everything to trying to study the shelf exam quizlets, in large part because I had to do the same thing for my shelf exams after the usual practice test questions became too difficult, specific, and discouraging.
I was reading 1 Corinthians 5 today and I found myself disagreeing with the Apostle Paul. He talked about expelling from one's company those who are practicing sexual immorality, and the basis for the argument seemed to be that it would undermine the message that Christians profess. However, I would contest that this is the very criticism which Jesus received, that He spent all of his time in the company of drunkards and prostitutes. Furthermore, in my experience, being friendly and nonjudgmental of slutty friends allowed me the privilege of speaking God's truth into their lives much more once they finally recognized the lack of fulfillment brought on by that manner of living.
This really has been an issue for me lately, the question of whether certain mannerisms and traditions in the Bible, even in the New Testament, are practical, either in the sense of normal living or in the sense of effective ministry. I try to always show love to friends regardless of my perception of their soul's state regarding salvation or the sinful life through which they seem to wade, and from what I have been able to ascertain, they appreciate me and my approach.
Though the Apostle Paul certainly painted a beautiful understanding of theology and the intertwined significance of the Old and New Testaments in relation to Jesus Christ, I cannot help but feel as if some of his approach is what brought about the legalism in Christianity which sometimes may not agree with the approach that Jesus utilized during his ministry.
After all, would the Apostle Paul have approved of Jesus keeping the company of drunkards and prostitutes, thereby acquiring a poorer reputation through affiliation?
Sunday, August 4, 2019
Feels Like Failure
Today, I feel as if I am going to fail. I wanted to get out and do something this weekend but friends were busy and plans fell through. So I have the major issue of no real days off, no relief from the stress, which means that I do not come back to a new day of studying feeling refreshed. I have been focusing more on writing for the podcast, primarily because at this point, I think I can make it better, and I do not have that feeling regarding my test scores. I am good at only a few things in life, and science is not one of them.
I just feel awful, like I am a failure and that that failure is inevitable. And that sucks because this is the last of it; like, I am so close to being done. If I cannot pass this test in a couple weeks, I will have to try to take it while doing rotations this fall. And there is a pretty good chance that I will not get interviews.
You would think that being in the States would mean that I have all kinds of access to fun activities on days off, but I just run short. I used to be able to go to karaoke with that one girl, but although I think I dealt with everything, I do not want to risk the chance of an interaction with her leading to something being triggered. It sounds dumb to me, and some of me says to just get over it, but it really was brutal last time. In any case, I plan to hang out with her again after I finish with the exam.
I just have to push through and try to give it to God. All of the doubts, insecurities, lack of breaks, inefficient use of time, distractions, my faults, the habits, all that I can manage to give up.
I just feel awful, like I am a failure and that that failure is inevitable. And that sucks because this is the last of it; like, I am so close to being done. If I cannot pass this test in a couple weeks, I will have to try to take it while doing rotations this fall. And there is a pretty good chance that I will not get interviews.
You would think that being in the States would mean that I have all kinds of access to fun activities on days off, but I just run short. I used to be able to go to karaoke with that one girl, but although I think I dealt with everything, I do not want to risk the chance of an interaction with her leading to something being triggered. It sounds dumb to me, and some of me says to just get over it, but it really was brutal last time. In any case, I plan to hang out with her again after I finish with the exam.
I just have to push through and try to give it to God. All of the doubts, insecurities, lack of breaks, inefficient use of time, distractions, my faults, the habits, all that I can manage to give up.
Friday, July 26, 2019
Four Weeks (Yes, I Postponed It)
I took a 4-hour practice test and did poorly on it, badly enough in fact that I delayed my exam by a week. That means that as of today, I am four weeks away from sitting in a testing center and taking that 9-hour exam. And so I have been trying to study hard. I once again attempted to cut out my workouts, with the idea in mind that I could use that extra time to study or relax, but as usual, it merely resulted in a lack of initiative. So I will begin working out again tomorrow, and then record podcast the next day, which will hopefully leave me ready to study hard on Monday.
Unlike the Step 1 exam, the Step 2 CK is career-defining. If I fail it, that will have severe impact on my options. And I will then have to study in the midst of rotations, as opposed to my current method which is to take months off at a time in order to focus. If I can pass though... What a dream. If I could just pass this stupid exam, then I will be pretty much set to become a doctor. And then I will just be trying to take the Step 3 exam before residency. I will of course try to pass it, but failing that will not be the end of the world, considering that I will have years ahead of me to pass it.
So yes, in four weeks I will be sitting in an exam room and solving something like 318 medical riddles over the course of 9 hours.
I know that I should not focus on the podcast so much this close to the exam, but if I was not obsessing about the podcast, I would be obsessing about my trip to SE Asia next year instead. I cannot abide simply focusing on one impossible task at a time. So I have been searching for podcasts to guest or cohost on in order to draw a wider audience to the podcast, and have found welcome responses thanks to the wide world of Reddit.
So I am struggling to find relief, to clear my mind between study sessions. Should I take up going to church again? Or at least watching sermons online? My guess is that the answer is "yes". But the mind has a way of tricking oneself into thinking that any such disturbance in sleep schedule or time consumption is taking away from valuable study time, even though it may refresh the study time.
I long for rainy days when I can go outside and stare at the water to clear my head, but it is late July in Texas. So my pursuit of meditation and prayer will have to push forward despite being so encumbered by the rich lather of a Texan summer heatwave.
A bright side to studying and working on creative projects is that it takes away my desire for a romantic relationship. I very much appreciate that relief. Unfortunately, it also leads me to see my relationship with God as secondary, despite the fact that that particular relationship is the reason and the means for everything toward which I am striving. I keep thinking that I will sacrifice aspects of that for the sake of this exam, as if I am not meant to be giving this exam to Him.
So God, as I stated months ago at the beginning of all this, when you allowed me to be released from the depression which had hung over me for years, please take this exam. Without your direct intervention, I will fail. Without your guidance, without your peace and wisdom, I will absolutely fail. Unlike many other exams, this one is highly dependent on my thought process rather than simply the bank of knowledge I have managed to accrue. So please take the exam, take my hobbies, take my dreams, take all of the increasing bits of fulfillment that have been amassing, take my contentment and my lack thereof, take my friends' dreams and desires and my interaction with them, and please take me. This is all for you, and the moment you decide that the medical field, the podcast, the SE Asia trip, and any of my other hopeful pursuits are not a part of your plan, please take them. And place me where you would like for me to be, in the mental, emotional, spiritual, and other states in which you would prefer for me to be. In Jesus name, amen.
Let's do this thing.
Sunday, July 14, 2019
One Month Remains
I cannot seem to stop my mind from racing. I do try to stop sometimes, but I have been allowing the podcast to take over when I really should just let my brain stop. Yesterday, we shot a promo for the podcast, complete with a drone shot. We also recorded a podcast episode and then began writing a script for a sketch that we plan to film. We all pitched ideas and made ourselves laugh the whole time. But it was also exhausting, and a stress dream related to residency came to me that same night. So today I slept in till noon, then did not bother getting out of bed until 2 PM. I was going to go work out, but I felt like I just needed a day to stop, to let the cerebral dust settle.
It's a month until my scheduled test date. I will likely reschedule it for a week later because I do not feel as if I will be ready in time. Granted, my test scores are okay, but I have not gotten through enough of the practice questions to feel particularly comfortable with taking the real exam.
One of the issues has been that there is construction work being done at our house, and the people doing it have been people worth networking with, so I have taken time out to get to know them a little. This impacts studying. Between that, my general lack of discipline, and my obsession with this podcast, I have been criminally inefficient with studying. And that was perhaps tolerable for awhile, but the work at the house is nearly complete and others are going out of town, which means that I can hopefully begin this last stretch with real gusto.
It's a month until my scheduled test date. I will likely reschedule it for a week later because I do not feel as if I will be ready in time. Granted, my test scores are okay, but I have not gotten through enough of the practice questions to feel particularly comfortable with taking the real exam.
One of the issues has been that there is construction work being done at our house, and the people doing it have been people worth networking with, so I have taken time out to get to know them a little. This impacts studying. Between that, my general lack of discipline, and my obsession with this podcast, I have been criminally inefficient with studying. And that was perhaps tolerable for awhile, but the work at the house is nearly complete and others are going out of town, which means that I can hopefully begin this last stretch with real gusto.
Monday, July 1, 2019
Where Things May Be Headed
Test scores are down, but life seems to be on the up and up. My podcast launched and, though it is not particularly popular, I am very proud of it. I am working on it with friends who know the realest me, who have similar goals for it.
Those goals are not limited to the topics and humor of it. Assuming that it generates revenue at some point, the plan is to funnel some money into a nonprofit for medical supplies for future mission trips. Imagine goofing around with friends and recording that for an hour, having that make money, and then that money going towards helping the less fortunate. We also want to pay people for being guests and for the work that they do, which would be a change from the usual standard of the industry.
In terms of studying... my scores were pretty good before I flew off to take those tests, then I had all of that stress and got sick, and my scores dropped a lot. Now I am trying to find the right balance of networking and calling the shots for this podcast while also putting in the hours with studying. I have not found the balance yet, but I am trying. I need to take time out to write more (which is why I am doing this now) because it of course clears my head enough to allow me to focus on what I need to.
I met a guy who seems to have the money, power, and influence to give our podcast a huge boost, and he likes me enough that when I asked if he would consider doing so after listening to it, he said "sure". A friend who has already been on the show twice works with a search engine optimization company and is planning to help the podcast, which is a service for which they normally charge thousands of dollars.
So I am studying for the test that would effectively make me a doctor, but I am also trying to lay the groundwork for the businesses and nonprofit organization that would potentially pave the way for me to have well-funded missions work starting just as soon as I finish residency (and possibly even testing it out during residency).
Those goals are not limited to the topics and humor of it. Assuming that it generates revenue at some point, the plan is to funnel some money into a nonprofit for medical supplies for future mission trips. Imagine goofing around with friends and recording that for an hour, having that make money, and then that money going towards helping the less fortunate. We also want to pay people for being guests and for the work that they do, which would be a change from the usual standard of the industry.
In terms of studying... my scores were pretty good before I flew off to take those tests, then I had all of that stress and got sick, and my scores dropped a lot. Now I am trying to find the right balance of networking and calling the shots for this podcast while also putting in the hours with studying. I have not found the balance yet, but I am trying. I need to take time out to write more (which is why I am doing this now) because it of course clears my head enough to allow me to focus on what I need to.
I met a guy who seems to have the money, power, and influence to give our podcast a huge boost, and he likes me enough that when I asked if he would consider doing so after listening to it, he said "sure". A friend who has already been on the show twice works with a search engine optimization company and is planning to help the podcast, which is a service for which they normally charge thousands of dollars.
So I am studying for the test that would effectively make me a doctor, but I am also trying to lay the groundwork for the businesses and nonprofit organization that would potentially pave the way for me to have well-funded missions work starting just as soon as I finish residency (and possibly even testing it out during residency).
Thursday, June 20, 2019
Whoops, Early Summer Passed
Well, it has been a bit since my last post. I took my Exit OSCE and Step 2 CS exams, but will not know whether I passed either for awhile. So that's a comfort at least. Oh, and I aged again. I should write out reflections from the past year... I also launched a fake medical podcast this week. That has been both exciting and occupying. I have burned out on studying even though the pressure is very much on since I only have about two months until the career-defining exam. I should probably delay it by a week. Admittedly, I am way behind on studying. I am trying to take it more easy tonight so I can study again tomorrow, but it has been pretty bad.
I am so excited about the podcast though. My friends are so funny in it and I play it professional. Best of all though, it just turned out so good. Because there are four of us on the team, we all contribute our different parts, and it really makes the finished product really incredible. I think it will be big.
Do any other young Christians struggle with having a libido? No one else? Cool, cool. Anyway, I know a relationship is impractical right now. But that physiologic desire remains, to the extent that it often feels physically uncomfortable to avoid doing anything about it. That of course leads one to spiritual, emotional, and other types of compromise.
Also, what about this passage? Seems like Jesus' reply kinda sucks when the disciples call him out on the impracticality of it.
Matthew 19:9-12. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
I am so excited about the podcast though. My friends are so funny in it and I play it professional. Best of all though, it just turned out so good. Because there are four of us on the team, we all contribute our different parts, and it really makes the finished product really incredible. I think it will be big.
Do any other young Christians struggle with having a libido? No one else? Cool, cool. Anyway, I know a relationship is impractical right now. But that physiologic desire remains, to the extent that it often feels physically uncomfortable to avoid doing anything about it. That of course leads one to spiritual, emotional, and other types of compromise.
Also, what about this passage? Seems like Jesus' reply kinda sucks when the disciples call him out on the impracticality of it.
Matthew 19:9-12. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
10 The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”
11 Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12 For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”
Sunday, May 5, 2019
Better
Well, since that last post, much has been lifted off of my shoulders. I recorded the first episodes of a fake medical podcast with some dear old friends from high school, and the product appears to be quite good, so we are making a real launch of it. This unfortunately requires more work, but that is the way of such things. I also visited Arkansas, which is always a fun experience. I modeled for a few photo shoots and also did some real networking by meeting and bantering with the head of the residency program to which I am applying this fall. That doctor and I got along swimmingly, and he later told my friend that he could arrange for me to do a rotation there this fall, so that is exciting.
I completed my online research class last week, which was easy and did not take long. So that is my tiny excuse for why I was unable to complete even one block of practice test questions. I keep hitting a wall. Once I take this stupid test, I can finally just study for whatever I am doing, rather than for a giant exam. Unfortunately, I am not at that point yet, so here I remain.
I take my playing doctor final exams at the end of the month, followed by a trip to Disney World with my sisters. That should be nice.
But emotionally, I am back to my old self. I made it back to reading the New Testament and things keep coming up, maybe potential sermons. Like, why does the author of the gospel of John mention early on that Jesus called Simon Peter and Nathaniel to be His disciples at around 4 PM? Why is that hour mentioned? A lot of this gospel seems pretty specific about what is included, as if all is purposeful.
I completed my online research class last week, which was easy and did not take long. So that is my tiny excuse for why I was unable to complete even one block of practice test questions. I keep hitting a wall. Once I take this stupid test, I can finally just study for whatever I am doing, rather than for a giant exam. Unfortunately, I am not at that point yet, so here I remain.
I take my playing doctor final exams at the end of the month, followed by a trip to Disney World with my sisters. That should be nice.
But emotionally, I am back to my old self. I made it back to reading the New Testament and things keep coming up, maybe potential sermons. Like, why does the author of the gospel of John mention early on that Jesus called Simon Peter and Nathaniel to be His disciples at around 4 PM? Why is that hour mentioned? A lot of this gospel seems pretty specific about what is included, as if all is purposeful.
Sunday, April 14, 2019
When God Talks
I tried to do the 10-12 hour daily study schedule, but 13 months straight of clinical rotations apparently requires a break. So I took Friday off. I met up with that girl I liked last year. We had coffee. I asked her why she cut off communication, and she replied that it was just her being selfish. So that frustrated me, since what I had hoped happened was that I had done something wrong, something to trigger it, to justify it. Either way, it lifted that weight off. Having borne that weight for 10 months, the change was nice. Unfortunately, just before I asked about that, she mentioned that she has been spending more time with a particular guy. On my previous visit, she had used me to play keepaway from said guy because he had slept with many in her friend group, and she obviously was not interested in that type of guy. But two months later, the change was palpable.
The moment she told me, my heart was racing and I was shaking. But I hung out with her all day and went to billiards with her that evening. When said guy arrived, they were obviously a couple and my body freaked out. I was obviously struggling, and she kept asking what was going on, but I was afraid that it was all me; also, it was a casual social setting, so I did not bother. On the drive home and when I went to bed, my body was writhing. The next day, I had no appetite, and I couldn't really think, so I wrote it out as a poem. Then went to pick up whiskey (because what else do you do) and on the way back, I stopped at the docks. It was raining so I sat in the rain and looked out on the water and yelled at God. The tachycardia, anorexia, nausea, and anxiety were to get my attention. He wanted me to tell her that the relationship was not okay. When I settled on that as an answer, I felt peace. It even took away the depressive symptoms. So I knew that that was God.
I texted her that God had talked to me and I had unpleasant news, so she should call me when she can listen to such. She replied that she could tell, that it was readily apparent for the entire evening previous. Awaiting the call, I could barely function, just watched a sermon and then sat back and watched the storm interact with the tree outside my study area's window. I went to bed at around 11:30 PM, and was once again pretty restless until she called at 2:30 AM. I told her that God was not okay with it. Then I told her that I also was not okay with it, and explained my reasoning. I also told her that I could not be around her while she was with this guy. She stopped me to say that I am not the first friend that she has lost to this. So that made it clear where all of this was going. She wanted the night to think it over.
I had the same nausea with eating and drinking today, though I did still manage to get a workout in. Then finally texted her around 8:45 PM to let her know that maybe God was telling me to fast, so I was doing that and also praying against anything demonic just in case. Her replies then made it clear that she was not willing to consider any of what I had said, and told me off for being judgmental and that she can make her own decisions and mistakes. I told her that if she feels that way, I will ask God to release me from this and I hope that I am wrong. But obviously, the ending there is that we are not really friends at this point. My symptoms were relieved immediately after.
Hearing from God sometimes sucks. I shared His words and lost a friend as a result. On the other hand, feeling connected to God again is wonderful. It is just sad that my main stress relief while studying, karaoke with that dear friend, is no longer an option. I do not know how I will pass this career-defining exam without that.
The moment she told me, my heart was racing and I was shaking. But I hung out with her all day and went to billiards with her that evening. When said guy arrived, they were obviously a couple and my body freaked out. I was obviously struggling, and she kept asking what was going on, but I was afraid that it was all me; also, it was a casual social setting, so I did not bother. On the drive home and when I went to bed, my body was writhing. The next day, I had no appetite, and I couldn't really think, so I wrote it out as a poem. Then went to pick up whiskey (because what else do you do) and on the way back, I stopped at the docks. It was raining so I sat in the rain and looked out on the water and yelled at God. The tachycardia, anorexia, nausea, and anxiety were to get my attention. He wanted me to tell her that the relationship was not okay. When I settled on that as an answer, I felt peace. It even took away the depressive symptoms. So I knew that that was God.
I texted her that God had talked to me and I had unpleasant news, so she should call me when she can listen to such. She replied that she could tell, that it was readily apparent for the entire evening previous. Awaiting the call, I could barely function, just watched a sermon and then sat back and watched the storm interact with the tree outside my study area's window. I went to bed at around 11:30 PM, and was once again pretty restless until she called at 2:30 AM. I told her that God was not okay with it. Then I told her that I also was not okay with it, and explained my reasoning. I also told her that I could not be around her while she was with this guy. She stopped me to say that I am not the first friend that she has lost to this. So that made it clear where all of this was going. She wanted the night to think it over.
I had the same nausea with eating and drinking today, though I did still manage to get a workout in. Then finally texted her around 8:45 PM to let her know that maybe God was telling me to fast, so I was doing that and also praying against anything demonic just in case. Her replies then made it clear that she was not willing to consider any of what I had said, and told me off for being judgmental and that she can make her own decisions and mistakes. I told her that if she feels that way, I will ask God to release me from this and I hope that I am wrong. But obviously, the ending there is that we are not really friends at this point. My symptoms were relieved immediately after.
Hearing from God sometimes sucks. I shared His words and lost a friend as a result. On the other hand, feeling connected to God again is wonderful. It is just sad that my main stress relief while studying, karaoke with that dear friend, is no longer an option. I do not know how I will pass this career-defining exam without that.
Tuesday, April 9, 2019
Back Home
I moved home and cleared out a study space in my mom's house over the weekend.
Why can I not be done with all of this? I just... I am so tired. The best part of my life is when I am asleep. I am jealous of coma patients, and even more jealous of the dead. But no, I have to save the world, and to do so, I have to learn everything first.This is how it happens with the best hero stories. They are sent away, they spend time in training, and upon their return, they are far more proficient than they were before.
I am rambling, but I am also just trying to think of what I used to think of to get to sleep. Superheroes, I suppose. Or the big and bright future. And I will likely be able to do so a little better after I finally visit the gym tomorrow. But until then, WHAT BIG AND BRIGHT FUTURE?!? I give up momentary happiness all the time because I recognize the cost, to myself or others, and as a result, I constantly feel very alone and disheartened. Will I get to go outside this summer? Will I ever find that girl? Will I ever feel happy? Should I get on antidepressants to make life tolerable, or keep going on like this?
Maybe something good will happen, but the whole world has seemed trashed for years and I am so tired of giving up everything for the purpose of learning how I will eventually clean it up.
So yeah, that makes Day 1 of studying for the Step 2 exam. I am obviously psyched for it.
Why can I not be done with all of this? I just... I am so tired. The best part of my life is when I am asleep. I am jealous of coma patients, and even more jealous of the dead. But no, I have to save the world, and to do so, I have to learn everything first.This is how it happens with the best hero stories. They are sent away, they spend time in training, and upon their return, they are far more proficient than they were before.
I am rambling, but I am also just trying to think of what I used to think of to get to sleep. Superheroes, I suppose. Or the big and bright future. And I will likely be able to do so a little better after I finally visit the gym tomorrow. But until then, WHAT BIG AND BRIGHT FUTURE?!? I give up momentary happiness all the time because I recognize the cost, to myself or others, and as a result, I constantly feel very alone and disheartened. Will I get to go outside this summer? Will I ever find that girl? Will I ever feel happy? Should I get on antidepressants to make life tolerable, or keep going on like this?
Maybe something good will happen, but the whole world has seemed trashed for years and I am so tired of giving up everything for the purpose of learning how I will eventually clean it up.
So yeah, that makes Day 1 of studying for the Step 2 exam. I am obviously psyched for it.
Friday, March 15, 2019
Feeling... Nice
I have had the last week and half off, so I have thrown myself into study mode. I am not getting the ideal 10-12 hours of studying done in one go, but even managing half that feels okay, considering that I will soon be diving into the world of ER medicine for three weeks anyway.
With that study schedule comes balance. Working out every other day (along with push/pull ups during study breaks), drinking no more than one beer per night, and focusing on powering through these lesson plans has landed me in a place of significantly improved mood. If I could continue this sort of schedule for my life (a logistical impossibility), I could perhaps even enjoy that life.
Of course, the time change also occurred this past weekend, so perhaps this has something to do with a sort of seasonal affective disorder. In any case, I feel nice. And it does not hurt that I also finished my first fourth year rotation and will be finished with another in three weeks. And after that, I have an online one that I will hopefully be able to complete in a day. Then I will finally be able to actually study for the 9-hour exam that will consume my life for the near future, potentially defining my future career, and most definitely make or breaking it for the next year.
It has gotten to be just a tad more real since this is currently match week, and many of my friends have just found their residencies.
With that study schedule comes balance. Working out every other day (along with push/pull ups during study breaks), drinking no more than one beer per night, and focusing on powering through these lesson plans has landed me in a place of significantly improved mood. If I could continue this sort of schedule for my life (a logistical impossibility), I could perhaps even enjoy that life.
Of course, the time change also occurred this past weekend, so perhaps this has something to do with a sort of seasonal affective disorder. In any case, I feel nice. And it does not hurt that I also finished my first fourth year rotation and will be finished with another in three weeks. And after that, I have an online one that I will hopefully be able to complete in a day. Then I will finally be able to actually study for the 9-hour exam that will consume my life for the near future, potentially defining my future career, and most definitely make or breaking it for the next year.
It has gotten to be just a tad more real since this is currently match week, and many of my friends have just found their residencies.
Thursday, March 7, 2019
Better Not To Marry
Why does this desire lie within me, this feeling that I must find that particular someone? Most days, it is a sad longing. Tonight, I recognize it as a weakness, that caring so much for any one person has too great an effect on one's mind. It is unsafe, unsecured.
Matthew 19:9-12
In this passage, the disciples seemed to view divorce in the modern way. When Jesus said that it is a sin to divorce except in cases of sexual immorality, the disciples essentially see it as unrealistic and suggest that it is better to avoid risking the scenario altogether by remaining single. Jesus' reply is not comforting, seeming to convey that if you can stand to remain single, you should, but those who are able to are part of a select group.
My problem with this is that I feel that desire within me. I desire a long-term monogamous relationship, a partner to join me in saving the world. I also despise divorce after seeing how it affected my family. Even Jesus, when called out by His disciples, does not really seem to back up His own interpretation (which had been a subject of debate by prominent rabbis previous to this occasion) in a satisfactory manner.
Hopefully I can be distracted enough by studying (as I am now) to stay on the side of viewing relationships as a hindrance. But it does seem like a particularly cruel thing for perspectives on marriage and relationships to be this disfigured, even from the ultimate moral compass of Jesus.
Matthew 19:9-12
9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
10The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”
11Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given.12For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”
In this passage, the disciples seemed to view divorce in the modern way. When Jesus said that it is a sin to divorce except in cases of sexual immorality, the disciples essentially see it as unrealistic and suggest that it is better to avoid risking the scenario altogether by remaining single. Jesus' reply is not comforting, seeming to convey that if you can stand to remain single, you should, but those who are able to are part of a select group.
My problem with this is that I feel that desire within me. I desire a long-term monogamous relationship, a partner to join me in saving the world. I also despise divorce after seeing how it affected my family. Even Jesus, when called out by His disciples, does not really seem to back up His own interpretation (which had been a subject of debate by prominent rabbis previous to this occasion) in a satisfactory manner.
Hopefully I can be distracted enough by studying (as I am now) to stay on the side of viewing relationships as a hindrance. But it does seem like a particularly cruel thing for perspectives on marriage and relationships to be this disfigured, even from the ultimate moral compass of Jesus.
Tuesday, February 19, 2019
First Day of Fourth Year
I started my last year of medical school today. My first elective rotation is nephrology, which I chose because I feel that I am weak in the subject (confirmed by my poor responses to the doctor's fairly basic questions today). He asked if I knew how to take history, to which I replied in the affirmative, and he handed me a patient chart with labs and off I went. Bear in mind that I have not taken a full patient history in months, and I have not formally presented a patient history in even longer, so I was rusty. But after a couple patients, I remembered my mnemonics and, also importantly, recalled how much I enjoy seeing patients. I have 5-10 minutes to take a history and establish rapport, and something about that just feels good. In fact, it is borderline frustrating to me that it feels so good.
I have been so depressed of late because I derive happiness from human interaction, but I am also exhausted by the same, so my life is either happily exhausted or depressingly well-rested.
I also have anecdotes from the day that I always want to share with someone, but it would be a chore to try to make it into a video or write it out. Yet another reason to find that significant other that I only maybe think I could possibly ever find.
I have been so depressed of late because I derive happiness from human interaction, but I am also exhausted by the same, so my life is either happily exhausted or depressingly well-rested.
I also have anecdotes from the day that I always want to share with someone, but it would be a chore to try to make it into a video or write it out. Yet another reason to find that significant other that I only maybe think I could possibly ever find.
Sunday, February 17, 2019
Selfless Defined
I met a guy in my usual coffee shop today. He saw my medical textbook and struck up conversation. I told him about school and he told me about oil and gas, and we discussed the contrasts. He describes himself and his job as being essentially selfish things, basically viewing everything in terms of revenue. I conveyed to him where medicine is similar, but that I have mostly found that it differs greatly, and furthermore, I am in pursuit of what I view as the most selfless pursuit possible through medical missionary work.
He was intrigued by this, and pressed me for what exactly I meant when I claimed that it was the most selfless thing. I explained it multiple times in various ways, but he kept asking, so I simplified it to terms that seem far too basic to my mind. I told him that we go to a foreign place full of strangers and we provide services that will potentially change their lives and we do so without any expectation or desire for compensation. Though I also readily admitted that the travel and exposure was its own reward, and that a day off to enjoy a given area was generally understood to be a part of every mission trip of which I have had the pleasure to partake.
Then I did the math. I will have spent at least nine years in medical training, essentially giving up any chance of forming meaningful romantic relationships along with the youthful years during which those relationships would classically be enjoyed, all for the sake of giving away the fruits of that labor at the end of it.
Just gotta fight the depression, anxiety, loneliness, and constant desire to not feel. Feeling is the worst and I used to be better at avoiding it, but this is the price you pay for allowing yourself to briefly feel happy.
He was intrigued by this, and pressed me for what exactly I meant when I claimed that it was the most selfless thing. I explained it multiple times in various ways, but he kept asking, so I simplified it to terms that seem far too basic to my mind. I told him that we go to a foreign place full of strangers and we provide services that will potentially change their lives and we do so without any expectation or desire for compensation. Though I also readily admitted that the travel and exposure was its own reward, and that a day off to enjoy a given area was generally understood to be a part of every mission trip of which I have had the pleasure to partake.
Then I did the math. I will have spent at least nine years in medical training, essentially giving up any chance of forming meaningful romantic relationships along with the youthful years during which those relationships would classically be enjoyed, all for the sake of giving away the fruits of that labor at the end of it.
Just gotta fight the depression, anxiety, loneliness, and constant desire to not feel. Feeling is the worst and I used to be better at avoiding it, but this is the price you pay for allowing yourself to briefly feel happy.
Occupying Evening Thoughts
Well, the problem with resigning oneself to a hopeless state with regard to eventually finding a long-term romantic partner is that the mind tends to reach to the past for experiences rather than looking to the future. The last few nights have been haunted by unwanted thoughts of these experiences and of trying to imagine a future recreation of the same sort, which is inappropriate, so I have been greatly frustrated.
It is easier to spend those last thoughts at night on dreaming of a future trip that I am planning, but I unfortunately have no such plans in the near future. I read up on that Southeast Asia trip for next year and have already grown somewhat tired of researching that. I plan to take three major exams and receive my doctorate before that trip happens, so it is hardly on the horizon. And the nature of that trip will inherently be sporadic, so there is hardly any dependence on one's research beforehand.
So I need to either plan a trip for earlier (and delve into my SE Asia money) or lie to myself about a crush again, pretending that something could possibly be realistic. Or maybe take up reading fiction again, as that can become a pleasantly occupying thought at night.
Life continues to pass by and I try to scoop up meager little bits with a bare hand.
It is easier to spend those last thoughts at night on dreaming of a future trip that I am planning, but I unfortunately have no such plans in the near future. I read up on that Southeast Asia trip for next year and have already grown somewhat tired of researching that. I plan to take three major exams and receive my doctorate before that trip happens, so it is hardly on the horizon. And the nature of that trip will inherently be sporadic, so there is hardly any dependence on one's research beforehand.
So I need to either plan a trip for earlier (and delve into my SE Asia money) or lie to myself about a crush again, pretending that something could possibly be realistic. Or maybe take up reading fiction again, as that can become a pleasantly occupying thought at night.
Life continues to pass by and I try to scoop up meager little bits with a bare hand.
Friday, February 15, 2019
Post Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day came and departed. I am facing the unfortunate consequences of having allowed myself to become enamored with someone in the past, namely the sadness that comes with both desiring them again and also knowing that such a thing would not happen nor be beneficial for either party.
I am always rewatching the Marvel movies, and though I am always inspired by Captain America, the Hulk has lately been far too relatable. He is this scientist who cannot form very intimate relationships for fear of bringing harm to those he cares about. In the movie Age of Ultron especially, this comes into play, as Dr. Banner becomes aware of Natalia's (Black Widow's) romantic interest in him. There is back and forth throughout, with each trying to convince the other that they are monsters who cannot be together, but also debating whether or when they could simply run away from this life. After the big battle, Dr. Banner, in his Hulk form, flies away in a ship and turns off communications as Natalia appeals for him to return.
I am always overly dramatic about these things, but I often find myself repeating to myself that I am a superhero and cannot have what others have. If I want to save the world, and I do, then I cannot afford to love or care to the degree or in the manner that others do.
I told some close friends from high school recently about a recent match I had on a dating app with a cute hospital social worker. I had intentionally screwed up the conversation to make her unmatch me because any relationship at this point would be casual dating. One friend insisted that I should stop kissing dating goodbye and just casually date for awhile, but I just cannot imagine putting someone else and myself through that. It just sounds so selfish to me. I can be stupid on my own, but dating someone else when I know that it is not going to last sounds like a partnership in stupidity. Part of being a superhero is defying the odds in terms of one's effect upon the world, and I intend to have an almost entirely positive effect on everyone I know and those beyond. I do not see how you can do that if you put someone through emotional distress for the sake of some short-term happiness.
So the soonest I could possibly realistically start dating would be when I begin residency in a little over a year, but who am I even kidding? I am rarely physically attracted to anyone enough, and personality and interests and intelligence have to match up enough as well. I am, after all, looking for a partner in saving the world through missionary work in addition to living normal life. Each of the two girls I liked in the last couple years have fallen to either side of that, either the very best company for normal life or the perfect match for missionary work.
I unfortunately no longer believe that I will find a match. Odds are certainly in favor of her existence, but not in favor of an encounter, and certainly not in favor of an encounter that leads to anything substantial.
I am always rewatching the Marvel movies, and though I am always inspired by Captain America, the Hulk has lately been far too relatable. He is this scientist who cannot form very intimate relationships for fear of bringing harm to those he cares about. In the movie Age of Ultron especially, this comes into play, as Dr. Banner becomes aware of Natalia's (Black Widow's) romantic interest in him. There is back and forth throughout, with each trying to convince the other that they are monsters who cannot be together, but also debating whether or when they could simply run away from this life. After the big battle, Dr. Banner, in his Hulk form, flies away in a ship and turns off communications as Natalia appeals for him to return.
I am always overly dramatic about these things, but I often find myself repeating to myself that I am a superhero and cannot have what others have. If I want to save the world, and I do, then I cannot afford to love or care to the degree or in the manner that others do.
I told some close friends from high school recently about a recent match I had on a dating app with a cute hospital social worker. I had intentionally screwed up the conversation to make her unmatch me because any relationship at this point would be casual dating. One friend insisted that I should stop kissing dating goodbye and just casually date for awhile, but I just cannot imagine putting someone else and myself through that. It just sounds so selfish to me. I can be stupid on my own, but dating someone else when I know that it is not going to last sounds like a partnership in stupidity. Part of being a superhero is defying the odds in terms of one's effect upon the world, and I intend to have an almost entirely positive effect on everyone I know and those beyond. I do not see how you can do that if you put someone through emotional distress for the sake of some short-term happiness.
So the soonest I could possibly realistically start dating would be when I begin residency in a little over a year, but who am I even kidding? I am rarely physically attracted to anyone enough, and personality and interests and intelligence have to match up enough as well. I am, after all, looking for a partner in saving the world through missionary work in addition to living normal life. Each of the two girls I liked in the last couple years have fallen to either side of that, either the very best company for normal life or the perfect match for missionary work.
I unfortunately no longer believe that I will find a match. Odds are certainly in favor of her existence, but not in favor of an encounter, and certainly not in favor of an encounter that leads to anything substantial.
Friday, January 11, 2019
Looking At 2019
2019 is a big year. Within six months, I will hopefully be finished with my biggest exam of med school, the Step 2 CK. I finish my third year of med school in three weeks and will finish half of my required fourth year rotations in the next three months. The most critical tasks at this point are centered around scheduling my rotations in Dallas (which will save me roughly $2,500 per month without paying for rent or the agency that schedules rotations). Of course, what occupies significant space in my mind is also researching my backpacking trip through Southeast Asia next year, and recruiting friends to join me. The latter point is a notable one, as a dear friend who plans to join is a traveling musician who rarely saves up the amount of funds required for such a trip, and typically raises money through busking while on the road. This foray will lead us into nations that are quite familiar with poverty, so performing for money would likely be both unkind and unfruitful.
In the meantime, the only thing I have scheduled for this summer is that major exam; perhaps I will even be finished with it before my birthday in June. I have missed summer sunlight, despite the predisposition to melanoma in my family. I will hopefully record a podcast with a friend and possibly obtain a scuba diving certification in anticipation of that backpacking trip.
The fourth year of med school is said to bear similarities to one's senior year of high school, with exams completed, easy rotations, traveling for residency interviews, and, in my case, plenty of extra time allotted for travel. I plan to hopefully graduate from medical school by the end of the year and then take my Step 3 before that trip to Southeast Asia. This would both improve my chances of obtaining a residency and get my major exam of my internship year of residency out of the way before that time actually begins. From what a resident friend tells me, it is remarkably similar to the Step 2 CK, so taking it sooner would be very advantageous, especially since residency is not particularly known for giving many extra hours of study time.
Saturday, January 5, 2019
Attempt At 2018 Reflections
This year, I received the passing score of my Step 1 exam, allowed myself to like someone romantically as they liked me back, processed the psychological trauma from sexual assault, and completed most of my third year of medical school, which consisted of clinical rotations.
After processing that trauma, I became me again. However, I learned that some of the emotional burden does not leave until you find closure by meeting again with those involved. I debated whether to discuss the trauma, but now that I was stable again, I found it far easier to bear whatever perceived burden of guilt seemed appropriate rather than bring it up and force it upon the other party involved. I know that that is very vague, but, well, sucks for you. Closure also came with speaking again to the girl with whom I had prayed about dating, because she was the one with whom I had shared the greatest details of the assault, and she was also the one who had blown me off the next time that we had planned to meet.
ADDED LATER: I got bored of writing about that. Here is a concept that I may try to incorporate into my personal statement for residencies.
What is it about both medicine and missionary work that I like so much? For me, there is scarcely a feeling quite like finding yourself in an unfamiliar situation and suddenly feeling the challenge of knowing that your only assets are your faith and whatever you have prepared ahead of time. Whether a crowd of strangers in church in a village in Africa who are expecting some word from God or a patient in a room with a list of unfamiliar symptoms, the ability to take stock of what you have and take appropriate action becomes essential. It is very easy to see a different people and culture and assume that most steps one could take would invariably be missteps, but I have found that though your voice cracks, you stutter, if you push through and pretend confidence, that attempt often translates into real confidence, much to the benefit of all bodies present. In the patient encounter as well, an investigation into relevant history can make you feel small, especially if the patient has questions about their own medical riddle that you have not yet solved. But stepping into confidence, building up a rapport, and finding common ground in a space where there previously was no ground at all, that is the challenge that I have come to appreciate.
After processing that trauma, I became me again. However, I learned that some of the emotional burden does not leave until you find closure by meeting again with those involved. I debated whether to discuss the trauma, but now that I was stable again, I found it far easier to bear whatever perceived burden of guilt seemed appropriate rather than bring it up and force it upon the other party involved. I know that that is very vague, but, well, sucks for you. Closure also came with speaking again to the girl with whom I had prayed about dating, because she was the one with whom I had shared the greatest details of the assault, and she was also the one who had blown me off the next time that we had planned to meet.
ADDED LATER: I got bored of writing about that. Here is a concept that I may try to incorporate into my personal statement for residencies.
What is it about both medicine and missionary work that I like so much? For me, there is scarcely a feeling quite like finding yourself in an unfamiliar situation and suddenly feeling the challenge of knowing that your only assets are your faith and whatever you have prepared ahead of time. Whether a crowd of strangers in church in a village in Africa who are expecting some word from God or a patient in a room with a list of unfamiliar symptoms, the ability to take stock of what you have and take appropriate action becomes essential. It is very easy to see a different people and culture and assume that most steps one could take would invariably be missteps, but I have found that though your voice cracks, you stutter, if you push through and pretend confidence, that attempt often translates into real confidence, much to the benefit of all bodies present. In the patient encounter as well, an investigation into relevant history can make you feel small, especially if the patient has questions about their own medical riddle that you have not yet solved. But stepping into confidence, building up a rapport, and finding common ground in a space where there previously was no ground at all, that is the challenge that I have come to appreciate.
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