Feeling... Nice

I have had the last week and half off, so I have thrown myself into study mode. I am not getting the ideal 10-12 hours of studying done in one go, but even managing half that feels okay, considering that I will soon be diving into the world of ER medicine for three weeks anyway.

With that study schedule comes balance. Working out every other day (along with push/pull ups during study breaks), drinking no more than one beer per night, and focusing on powering through these lesson plans has landed me in a place of significantly improved mood. If I could continue this sort of schedule for my life (a logistical impossibility), I could perhaps even enjoy that life.

Of course, the time change also occurred this past weekend, so perhaps this has something to do with a sort of seasonal affective disorder. In any case, I feel nice. And it does not hurt that I also finished my first fourth year rotation and will be finished with another in three weeks. And after that, I have an online one that I will hopefully be able to complete in a day. Then I will finally be able to actually study for the 9-hour exam that will consume my life for the near future, potentially defining my future career, and most definitely make or breaking it for the next year.

It has gotten to be just a tad more real since this is currently match week, and many of my friends have just found their residencies.

Better Not To Marry

Why does this desire lie within me, this feeling that I must find that particular someone? Most days, it is a sad longing. Tonight, I recognize it as a weakness, that caring so much for any one person has too great an effect on one's mind. It is unsafe, unsecured.

Matthew 19:9-12

 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

10The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”

11Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given.12For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

In this passage, the disciples seemed to view divorce in the modern way. When Jesus said that it is a sin to divorce except in cases of sexual immorality, the disciples essentially see it as unrealistic and suggest that it is better to avoid risking the scenario altogether by remaining single. Jesus' reply is not comforting, seeming to convey that if you can stand to remain single, you should, but those who are able to are part of a select group.

My problem with this is that I feel that desire within me. I desire a long-term monogamous relationship, a partner to join me in saving the world. I also despise divorce after seeing how it affected my family. Even Jesus, when called out by His disciples, does not really seem to back up His own interpretation (which had been a subject of debate by prominent rabbis previous to this occasion) in a satisfactory manner.

Hopefully I can be distracted enough by studying (as I am now) to stay on the side of viewing relationships as a hindrance. But it does seem like a particularly cruel thing for perspectives on marriage and relationships to be this disfigured, even from the ultimate moral compass of Jesus.