Table Read...y, Set, Go

Today, we received a time, date, and location for the table read for this television production. Until now, I had familiarity from child actor days, but I never worked as a main cast member on a television show. I was in a comedy pilot earlier this year, but we had no table read; it was fairly amateur. But this is with a studio that already has other productions underway in multiple genres.

It is of course just a pilot with no guarantee of being picked up. But hypothetically, if it does get picked up with a SAG interim agreement, my understanding is that we would eventually be retroactively paid according to whatever agreement SAG makes with the AMPTP. So if it got picked up and was a hit, I would be able to make a living off of it.

But at the least, this pilot should provide footage of me doing some dramatic acting for my reel. And since the last pilot I was in prompted my mom to ask "Did you forget what you learned in your acting classes?", I will benefit from having actual acting on my reel rather than just me being zany or overly expressive.

Also, I am a little nervous about memorizing lines! I got through med school through a ridiculous amount of memorizing and applying that memorization into real life situations, and even when I performed standup, I did it with almost exactly a word-for-word delivery. But still, this is the professional actor thing. I have to memorize the lines, get the character's motivations figured out, apply those motivations to lines as needed, and then be ready for everything to change on me when we actually shoot. Because on the shoot day, your scene partner may bring something different to it that changes the delivery, or a technical issue may be present so you are acting to a piece of brick rather than another actor, or any number of things. On the short horror shoot I did last year, we had a dog, two stray kittens, a very aggressive vole or mouse thing, not to mention a rattle snake, and all except for the snake seemed desperate to be in a shot. At one point, when the cat would not leave, we later used a yoga mat as a green screen to splice in where the cat was supposed to walk out.

For this production, it involves police, so who knows what will be happening with regard to firearms.

Booked It (Again)

I got the part! I apparently "WOWED" them with my audition, though I assume that it was more me pitching myself than just the scripted portion. It was a flush of unpleasant nostalgia in the room to perform to a camera and a conference table. It feels about as unnatural as acting can feel.

They said that they will send the contract and talk scheduling early next week. I spent the last couple days trying to research how to make sure that I do not get screwed out of residuals, but I learned today that non-union jobs like this one likely will not pay residuals. So the more realistic expectation is that we will shoot a few episodes, shop it around, and if it gets picked up, I can negotiate higher pay or residuals for the next ones we shoot after that.

In any case, this is finally a dramatic role, so I can actually have footage for that rather than only having comedic or contortionist or horror clips.

Trying Not to Care

I auditioned for that role I thought I had booked. Today is the last day of auditions for it, and I am trying to just assume that I did not book it, because I already spent too many months fantasizing with the role secured in my mind.

It is a dramatic role, which I do need to move forward as an actor career-wise. That being said, I do also have an audition for a comedic role that naturally fits me, and it would shoot in NYC, which would of course be a huge treat all on its own.

It felt like there was a dry spell for so long, but shortly before SAG went on strike, I started getting auditions for various commercial roles. And those things may not help much as an actor, but they do pay! And time spent on set is fun regardless.

I have not had hard liquor for a few days. I used to have a beer and melatonin before bed, and that is probably the realistic middle ground for me. It is easy to slip into drinking more heavily, but I am well-aware that that is very bad for me to do regularly. We have one more cider at home, and then I guess I will have to buy beer again. I have been more strict with my workouts again, with the built-in exception of days when I am going out to an audition, in which case I am permitted to skip the sit-ups in favor of doing last-minute memorization and preparation.

Insecurities & Roles

At peak pandemic, I would wake up hung over and drag myself to the bathroom mirror, and stare resentfully at myself. Why? Because I felt so awful, so depressed and frustrated at the world and my life, but my face still looked youthful and bright. It was so miserable to see a lie reflected at me. Now I feel a little better because for the moment, at least I get to dabble at trying to do what makes me happy. But conversely, I can see my face aging. Something about my skin and my hairline, somewhere in all of that, I feel like I look my age now, rather than the previous constant of five years younger. Or maybe I just look like I am in my late twenties rather than mid- to early twenties, and that is the frustration. Or I look fine. Or properly moisturizing my skin looks bad to me. Who knows. I am just unused to feeling insecure about my looks. In the past, I had assurance that my insecurities could be fixed. Bad teeth? Braces. Bad vision? Contact lenses. Bad body? Work out. I am not sure about the skin, but the hairline can be fixed, as can the worsening vision, and potentially the body can also be improved as well, but all of these things come with a price tag.

I have my first in-person audition in ages tomorrow. I have the lines mostly memorized, but I am struggling to pinpoint the mentality of the role, so we will see what I have settled on by the audition time. I also have two self-tape commercial auditions which, unlike the real acting roles, would be likely to pay a decent amount. And I have a trip to Costa Rica planned for next year, so decent pay would be great to allow me to get eye surgery while I am there, so I can fix one of my problems. The bad vision legitimately gets in the way of work when I have to put in colored contacts, which is the plan in three weeks when I play an alien creature.

Strikes & Need to Work

A historic strike in the entertainment industry has begun. It was looming for months, but now both union writers and actors are on strike. 

I have an audition for the role that I thought I had for eight months. This is the industry, and I have to remind myself to be thankful for the opportunity to audition. Auditioning is a privilege. I had my first callback in ages last week, which was nervewracking. I flubbed my lines a little after they gave me the usual note to tone it down. The adrenaline rush of actually talking to the director can make it hard to dampen that energy, but that is definitely something that I need to get over.

In three weeks, I have a role in a short film using my contortionist skills as an alien creature. The director sent me a script for it, and I immediately had notes. Generally a nice script, and my part has parts that I am excited for, but I asked if I could give suggestions, and told him one of them. He responded that he already has two writers, but then he saw my pitch and said I was right, and he would do some rewrites.

I have another audition, this one for a comedy series on what I just learned might be a kind of legitimate but small studio. And if I remember right, we would shoot in NYC and they would cover travel and lodging. Even if I hated the role, that trip alone would make me want to audition, but the role actually feels like a good fit. It is close to what my podcast character originally was, having to do a job and present information with an overly happy demeanor fighting through the terrible responses.

I have been drinking too much. That desire goes away when I am working. I need to work. I want so badly to work. Even my writing feels like it is stagnating some, because I need to feel it out on stage or camera since it involves so much physicality. But it is torture to go to open mics. Maybe it is not so bad anymore though, now, since I have done a real show. I am not desperate for open mic footage nor pressured to spit out all the words in a set.