A Self-Centered Folk

 So, in February, we went on a cruise. We did this just as the news was hitting that some cruise ships were filled to the brim with Covid-19, but it was just before the most dangerous time. My sister, who I had long suspected of having some sort of personality disorder, was rooming with a friend of my mom's, who just so happens to have a master's degree in psychology. We both got along well due to our mutual love of alcohol, and so at one point she asked me what I thought my sister had. I said borderline personality disorder, owing largely to her dysfunctional relationships and apparent fondness for the immature defense mechanism of splitting (look it up). That friend responded by saying that a certain variety of narcissistic personality disorder can present similarly to borderline, and this is what she thought my sister had. I of course defer to the one who is more of an expert in such a field.

Then I remember my grandmother on my mother's side, who is similarly very, in polite terms, self-oriented. And I remember my aunt on my father's side, a notably narcissistic person. And I realize that despite whatever I have become, I bear in my genetics a significant risk for passing on this horrific personality disorder. I try very, very hard to remain empathetic. My closest friends are close primarily for this aspect of their personalities, that they are highly empathetic, and this empathy translates into their humor and art. Somehow, I came out somewhat balanced in this regard. However, I recognize in myself these narcissistic tendencies, and my own inclination towards undervaluing those around me even as I elevate my own self-worth. I know that I have empathy beyond that of those who are burdened with a narcissistic personality disorder, but what I do not know, in large part because of the few studies conducted regarding the matter, is the risk of my potential future progeny becoming burdened with such a disorder. Currently, if I inherited millions of dollars, there are not many family members upon whom I would wish to bestow such wealth. I know others who would use the money more wisely and to help more people in need, and not all of those friends are Christian. In fact, few are.

Maybe I will eventually date. But even without the prevailing certainty of climate change wrecking the possibility of a habitable world for generations to come, I am concerned that my potential progeny may be destined to become the very worst of what this world can expect from humanity. We have seen what that looks like in the highest position of power, and in my perception, it does not bear repetition. This is surely a conversation to have with the future significant other, should she ever materialize, but as it stands, I do not trust my bloodline. We are a self-centered folk, and I dislike us.

Doctoral Recognition

 I find myself well into one of many relatively fruitless study days. What marks this day as more unusual is that I had a long dream that involved fairly stressful parts, and I unfortunately remember those portions well. The setting was my own wedding, though more in the backstage conversing with family and friends that you rarely see rather than any focus on, say, finding happiness in creating a lasting bond with a significant other. It involved my oldest brother once again denying that I am a doctor, and my sputtering a flabbergasted response about his jealousy. Maybe it was because of that recent WSJ article in which the author said that Dr. Jill Biden should drop the doctor title when she takes up her role as First Lady. With the knowledge of how much work goes into a doctoral degree, it is difficult to fathom such a horrific "take" on such a thing. In any case, this denial and my inability to articulate a response in the moment of the dream, left me feeling, well, I am not sure of the word. Disturbed? Taken aback? Incredulous?

To be clear, I have previously been the first to poke fun at both my medical doctoral ambitions, and then at such an achievement once I reached it. But just as with racism, homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, conspiracy theories, and a myriad of other such issues in our society, the jokes can only be made when everyone has an established understanding of a baseline reality. Sometimes it can be difficult to keep up with some of these things, particularly in the LGBTQ community, but continuing to learn is part of staying relevant.

I am the first doctor of my family, and the second of my siblings to receive a bachelor's degree. The closest match was my oldest brother, who majored in economics and minored in both philosophy and music. My mother has a marketing degree and my dad has told me that his education as a CPA is equivalent to a masters. My mother has had the appropriate response for such an achievement on my part, and in anticipation of it. The focus was on me at Christmas last year for what was to come, and then we all went for drinks when the diploma finally arrived. Immense pride. But every other person in the family seems to just not understand. When I think of the smartest people in the world, I have always thought of doctors. But this is reality, and I am likely not alone in facing such a lack of recognition in this age of conspiracies, when my clinical knowledge is, for the first time, pretty relevant in daily life.

I am a middle child, so I know what it is like for achievements to go unnoticed. That does not bother me so much. What bothers me is when my achievements are specifically denied. Though I recognize that this comes from a place of insecure jealousy, it obviously still manages to bother me to the point that it gives me stress dreams.

Hopefully writing it out helps me to get it out of my head and subconscious, and onto this blog. After all, I have future lives to save. On that topic, I ran across a scene from a Marvel movie the other day in which Spider-Man was first being introduced into the MCU, and he said one of the more inspiring things. "When you can do the things that I can do, and the bad things happen, they happen because of you." So I have to try to punch my brain into remembering that whatever limits, whatever shortcomings I have had with studying thus far, I need to do better because I can be the change if I apply myself.

On Writing & Reflecting

Well, I admit that I have not been taking the time out to reflect, meditate, nor pray. I have just felt so trapped here. When I lived on an island, I could clearly see the borders of my world where the ocean waters lapped at the shore, but here, it often feels even more constricted. A trip to the grocery store, to see other people, is a risk to one's life and health, and then to others that I encounter afterward. I cannot go to a coffee shop to sit, write, and recenter myself.

I live at my mom's house and she is currently in the middle of a trip to Florida to help my sister move back to the Dallas area. I am so aware of myself and others that I am always trying to make my presence as inconspicuous as possible, but with her gone, I am admittedly finally feeling free to play music out loud and do some coffee shop activities, such as writing this. I miss writing. Well, I miss writing to better myself; I am frequently writing for the podcast, so I am not altogether neglecting the activity. In any case, I recognized the need to renew the habit when I saw the end of the year making its approach. I do not recall whether I did it last year, but I traditionally write out my reflections from the year. Kids, this is how we grow, and I certainly do not wish to drop such a bettering habit as I am halfway into my thirtieth year.

The joy that I once found in my faith is daily being leached out by the proclamations made by those who claim to share the same faith, and I find myself shifting between feelings of anger at them, betrayal at what they have done to what I hold so dear, and hurt, because the hate that necessarily underlines their allegiance is surely destined to be aligned at me. My friends keep changing in lifestyles and beliefs, and my options are repeatedly to accept them with an asterisk, or to simply accept them. The latter allows me to more easily love in the way that I believe that Christ calls us to love, and so I default to this approach. Unfortunately, this appears to push me fairly directly against the tribe to which I formerly belonged. To call oneself an evangelical Christian at this point appears to be to associate oneself with racist homophobic bigots, and so I am seeking a new group that is anti- those things while still holding onto that saving grace theology that keeps me intact as the world twists and collapses in on itself.

Here's to writing slightly more. In my experience thus far, I would have to say that being the first doctor in the family is a terrible tortured choice and people should just go into comedy instead. That is certainly my favorite part about being alive right now. And worse, it is also the most fulfilling.

A Wee Pandemic'd Update

Well, I haven't blogged since summer, and that tracks. This pandemic does strange things to time. I officially received my doctoral diploma a few months ago, and on the same day, my podcast received some recognition from a major publication, Vulture. I was more excited about the Vulture mention, but being a doctor is nice too.

I applied over and over for my exam permit to retake the Step 2 exam. As of now, it has been roughly 11 months of trying to retake that test, and with graduating and calling in, the permit is expected to be approved within a week or two. I spent $900 applying to residencies, and this delay in the exam will likely cost me my chance at such an opportunity. No interview invitations even from residencies that like me...

Biden also won the election during this time, and Trump lost, but a significant amount of Republicans are trying to throw away the votes. Crazy times.

Also crazy, when my oldest brother told me that no studies have been done on the efficacy of N95 masks in their prevention of contracting or spreading Sars-Cov-2, I corrected him. I myself have read some of the studies, and it would take a truly stupid medical community to somehow avoid doing studies on their primary prophylaxis against the virus. He said "show me the studies" and I said "I don't have to show you anything, but trust me, I'm a doctor" to which he replied, "You aren't a doctor. You spent two years pretending to study and pass two tests." It was a similar reaction to my dad's in a few ways, this sudden insecurity in the face of being confronted with the concept that for all of your recognized brilliance in other areas of life, you had not put the time in to earn a doctorate in this field, and your ignorance shows. And rather than directly facing this ignorance and having the wisdom to recognize that there are those who know better, the preferred path apparently becomes a denial of reality, using one's increasing stupidity as a bludgeon against wisdom and knowledge simply because that wisdom and knowledge is what you lack.

I did not understand these situations at first. I had to ask my mother about it because I was so offended and confused by the reactions. Jealousy, insecurity, and fragile masculinity are the poisons that are currently causing the deaths of thousands of Americans, just as surely as this virus is causing a systemic inflammatory reaction in its victims.

It has made times tough. Aside from sending a holiday text here and there, I have not communicated with my dad since the beginning of summer when he made it abundantly clear that he would not compromise any aspect of his lifestyle for the sake of saving lives, nor for the pleasure of my company. So as a promising vaccine will become available to a select few any day now, family members continue to spout disinformation regarding its chemical makeup. At certain points, I feel obligated to correct them, but it is quite frustrating. A significant issue is that they will blow off the pandemic now, unlike in the beginning, because it is no longer a conspiracy theory. There is real data to back it up, rather than some secondhand questionable data from China, and that makes it somehow unreliable in their eyes comparatively.

On to another topic, my podcast. We are always improving, trying to change it up, and we recently did a livestream event with a sketch comedy house based in Los Angeles and were asked back within a few minutes of it ending. We just recorded an episode with the founder of an improv festival in Dublin who said that if we were ever visiting, he would try to get us some stage time. All amazing things to hear, and a nice world in which to feel validated. This of course was another area in which my oldest brother could have really made it, but he does not, so he minimizes my minor successes here as well. I suppose that it just seems strange to me that he pointedly views me as a "little brother" to the extent that a gain for me somehow means a loss for him. Grow up, kid.

Anyway, I also have not studied enough to do well on the exam and I do not think that I will be able to do so in time to take it, but all I can do is keep trying. A significant downside to this pandemic is that I cannot take breaks to go sing karaoke. I am also low on money, though I do have that vacation fund that I can break into if it comes to that... Oh, and that singing show? Renewed for a second season, but still limited to Southern California casting, so even though I am approved by the network, I do not get to be on national television with some of my comedy heroes.