Alone & Not

I forgot how many friends I have. And I don't just mean people that I see frequently or get along with well. I mean people who are intelligent, hard working, aspiring people that I become better by being around. Just solid people who don't go off and be idiots just because they're at a difficult place in life. There's a lil' more drama, but as I told them, hearing about their relationship troubles is just plain relieving compared to what I've been surrounded by for the past four months. Stuff as simple as keeping an eye out for a drunk girl out on the town, or managing the situation when your drunk friend is trying to make out with a very taken friend. I love and miss those simple troubles based on social cues and respect. 

Anyway, I think I'm learning to live with where I'm at in Texas. My other brother is going to move back into my mom's house, which works out since I'm looking to move to my dad's house (Internet) once it's built. I still plan to drop by frequently to clean though. My friends Criston and Caleb, who are also a band, will be moving nearby, and my friend Laura claims that she will stop ignoring my texts. Tara is planning to move to Dallas after she graduates in December.

And my big question in all of it is whether God will grant me the privilege of getting into medical schools this round, or if He is going to have me go through the application process again and retake the tests and get a masters in Health Sciences. We'll see.

Being alone this much has helped me, I think. My job is basically just me listening to people. Patients tell me what's wrong or different. I just ask questions. This past weekend, when I caught up with people, it was strange to talk about myself. I don't do that. I'm not paid to do that. The alone time and only listening seems to have helped me iron out some internal issues, to think through where I'm at and what I wanna do. It brings clarity, even if the only thing I can see clearly in some areas is fog.

Catch A Content

I was in Fayetteville last night for Bikes Blues & BBQ, a big biker-themed fundraiser weekend festival thing. I stopped in one open patio bar with my friends and just looked around with the full moon, the lights strung across the enclosed area, a few stars making it through the light pollution of the city's sky. In truth, it was an uncomfortable moment because one of our group was drunkenly sitting and speaking with a group of guys (one of whom was her ex), and I was standing off a lil'.

Then I broke off from the group for a lil' bit, and on my way back to them, I stopped again to take in the sights. And I realized something. I was just taking in and appreciating being at that festival with friends, but at that moment, I was alone at this festival. The only thing that made that moment fill with happiness rather than loneliness was that I was content with where I was. I was almost tempted to feel the way I've been feeling back in Dallas or Rockwall, like I was utterly alone in all of it. The only difference, the only reason one being alone was better than the other was that one was accompanied by contentment. And I wonder if I could generate that kind of contentment within myself in Texas, if such a thing would be possible for me.

I have enough to cope now, I suppose. The friends that accompanied me to Disney World are moving to the Dallas area, so I'll get to see them on weekends. Others will be moving back in December.

And my job is nice now. Part-time, and they're wanting me to take up a few more creative things like their twitter/facebook accounts and a book of pictures of brain, skull, vertebra, and spinal cord things for the doctor to show patients what's screwed up in their bodies.

What To Duhzzz

I was supposed to start working part time this week, but then I ended up being the only medical assistant in the clinic. And it was the best.

I was super busy all day. Every minute was spent checking patients in, typing in patient notes, and coordinating the rooms so that we could see each patient as quickly as possible. I had patient interaction all day. I was busy and challenged and learning and time flew by.

And at the end of the night, my boss informed me that I was doing well, and that if I went on full time, he would hire another medical assistant to do the things I currently dislike, like phone calls and faxes and other such office work. And he wants my answer next week.

So now I find myself wondering whether I should continue with this job like this. My mind is full of hopes and dreams and aspirations, and I keep wondering how much I should be putting aside and how much I should be embracing, since it is my gap year. If I make it into medical school next year, I won't be able to backpack through Europe. Not until much later. But maybe if I stay with this job, the doctor's reputation will be enough to bump me into medical school.

I just don't know what to do or where God is leading me. I thought I felt peace about quitting... I just don't know.

MMMmmaybeez

Switching to part-time at my job has made it so much better. That extra hour of sleep does wonders. Waking up with the dawn rather than an hour before it does a lot for me as well. This week, I'm only losing a few hours because my supervisor is taking the MCAT today, and I agreed to take over both her and my own work for Friday, rather than taking the day off, as I was intending to do. My boss and the doctor are very appreciative of me at the moment, so Friday will probably be the smart day for me to ask for a recommendation letter for my offshore medical school applications.

I feel that I am in a good place. I'd like to be secure in my job, but there's no guarantee of that really, not while I'm working part time. But I'm also okay with it if they let me go. The world remains my oyster, and there are many aspirations I have beyond my job. From learning guitar to learning Spanish to picking up and moving back to Arkansas (though that is less likely) to shadowing physicians, I have many other things I'd like to do that I'm still prevented from doing with my current schedule.

I know that I'm not in the best of places, however, because I am currently my greatest concern. No one else's needs are coming before my own and that means that I am not in the best place in life.

Tonight is Lakeshore Creative, where my church apparently will ask us what talents and abilities we have to help out so that we can be more involved. Maybe something will happen with that.

Choices And Decisions

I successfully moved to part-time at my job. They wanted someone to work full-time, so once they find someone to replace me, they're gonna let me go. This should take a month or two.

I knew that something had to happen, to change. Hopefully, this will work for now. I knew that I needed to get out of working full-time. But here's the thing. I'm only working the job to look impressive for medical schools. I'm only on the verge of completing the application process now (I began it five months ago).

I went to Arkansas this weekend. I got to hang out with my friend Criston, who's in a band called Criston and Caleb. They're Christian and good at what they do, and they are releasing a $35,000 album this year. Anyway, Criston and I get along really well, and he told me he would want to get an apartment with me, and after a moment of consideration, he offered for me to stay at his parents' house with him. His parents apparently have medical connections as well. In addition, the vast majority of my current friends are living in Arkansas now...

I just kinda don't know what to do. I'm blessed and privileged to be at the job I have, but I don't want it. I feel like I'm being cheated on the pay. I don't have any peer interaction in Texas. All of my local friends are kinda in bad places right now (or they're married).

The biggest problem I'm finding with my job isn't the hours, the pay, the environment, or even the commute. It just isn't fulfilling. I feel kinda stuck where I'm at.

But unlike with school, I now have options. Like, I'm not just forced to take whatever classes with whatever professor in order to get a degree. I can choose. So I'm aiming to shadow a physician and help out at my home church. Meanwhile,  I'm also considering moving to Arkansas and getting a part-time job there so I can grow as a human with interactions with people who are actually becoming better in their pursuit of God, but are also real people.

It all depends on medical school interviews. When and if I have them, that is what kinda needs to decide everything. I mean, I'm also tempted to ditch it all and go backpacking in Europe.

Basically, I just need God's direction. I'm even tempted to avoid getting a real job, since a trip to Europe in January is tempting to make into a real plan, and no one wants an employee who's only there for two months.

Things That Make Tears Come Out Of My Face

I'm not the crying type. I remember in my youth group, from junior high even until now sometimes, always wanting to cry when worship hits me hard. But no, I don't cry much. Pain will make tears come out of my face, as will onions and the occasional disobedient contact lens, but mere emotion tends to stir nothing in my lacrimal glands. This changes with transition.

I remember moving from California to Texas, when we were officially no longer paying visits to Burbank, Los Angeles, nor Hollywood, and were instead resigned to live the life of regular humans, with school and work and play in a middle class lifestyle. I would cry at night sometimes, missing California and the crushed dreams our move represented to me.

College was the next big transition. Fortunately, I had school and newfound friends (who would later become my best friends) and a roommate to prevent me from crying at night over the loss of my old life.

And now I'm finding myself with no school nor newfound friends. Instead, I have a few coworkers, a boss, and a doctor, old friends who don't seem to serve the purpose of peers at the moment, and a deep, deep hunger for life in Arkansas or anywhere else, for that matter. My eyes, which are dry even at the end of Titanic or other such films, have actually moistened at the thought of the precious people and places in Arkansas that I miss.

This transition is difficult. Unlike other transitions, I don't find myself in a new place; rather, I'm in an old place with friend groups whittled down, and those that remain being those that I don't prefer. I have deadlines over my head, a job that challenges me, and a constant yearning to just escape to another country. The worst part is that I have the money to leave, but I CAN'T BECAUSE WHAT IF I DO GET AN INTERVIEW AND A CHANCE TO GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL??? THEN I WOULD NEED TO BE IN THE COUNTRY.

Ugh, Transition

Once I realized the implications of a full-time job, I realized that I wanted out. No matter how great the privilege of working in a neurology clinic, I’m realizing that I cannot easily function the way I’d prefer to in my gap year while working there.

This transition state is easier in some ways than it was at first. Harder in other ways though. The biggest problem is that I don’t have friends here. The school year has started, so I’m not sure how frequently I’ll get to see my Arkansas friends now. I need peer-to-peer relationships though. I can’t just have my family for friends, right? So within this gap year I’m finding gaps within myself, and it’s difficult to fill them. I have yet to know to what extent I’m keeping my job this week, whether it will be paid or unpaid, or what my hours will be.

Once I know, and once I finally get all my application forms sent into medical schools, then maybe I can take mini vacations, or possibly staycations. I live near the 9^th biggest city in the United States, so there’s plenty I’d like to see that I have either never seen or haven’t seen in fifteen years.

Once I know about interview times and whether I’ll have any (just being honest), I can go backpacking through Europe for some time. My ideal traveling buddy will already be over there and I think it will be very difficult for me to tire easily of traveling with him for an extended period of time.

I’m realizing that a lot of legitimate doctors go to Mexico, South America, even Asia and Europe for medical school. If American schools don’t work out this year, maybe I’ll apply to those. Ideally, it’ll only be for two years and then I’ll be back in the States for clinicals, followed by residency.

I’m sometimes tempted to ignore the timing, to just enjoy being a 20-something and travel, which is obviously a burning desire in me. But then I remember why I’m doing it, who I’m doing it for, and I realize once again that it can’t wait. Every year, every moment I delay any part of the process, that’s another year and another moment that some impoverished people have to go without my being able to help them.