I think it took living on an island as a racial and cultural minority to teach me about justice.
I'm reading the Old Testament again and God is pretty straightforward. You do wrong, consequences follow. You're still loved, and there are wrongs that you can right, but accountability remains throughout.
There are people who don't appreciate this God of the Old Testament. Many people see Him as an angry, wrathful God. And why? It was a theocracy LED by God. Executive, legislative, and judicial branches were all Him.
Justice was always present. It seems like maybe a perfect example of a constant presence of justice, and that just seems good. It seems like people dislike that depiction of God for the same reason they dislike policemen: no one likes consequences. But if you don't speed or run red lights or commit any other crimes, police officers are on your side.
I tell my white friends here that I miss white privilege in America. As a caucasian male from an upper middle class Christian family, the scales will tend to tip in my direction. But someday, I hope that both myself and my generation will be able to rise up and use our authority to make the world a more kind, just place. A place where every day isn't filled with doubt over what cards life will happen to be dealt.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Why Am I Doing It?
Why am I doing it?
My dad emailed me yesterday to tell me that he watched the video of my trip to Uganda three years ago and it made him cry. When I went on that trip, it wasn't like my past trips out of the country. It wasn't pleasant. I didn't feel like I made a difference. It was my first experience in which people in leadership did not handle the leadership properly; this was not my first conclusion, but rather one that I arrived at after being blamed for an error and then seeking The Lord regarding that error. In the hospitals, I knew nothing. I felt helpless. Bedside manners, kindness, these were my only tools. My white lab coat conveyed a false hope regarding my training.
But it was the best mission trip in what it did to me. Day after day I was forced to see the need and be unable to do anything to remedy it.
Fast forward to last semester. I'm in medical school. I messed up but am determined to take back lost ground. And then, no matter how much I study, I am unable to make a passing grade in the class that I've already had multiple times before in lower education. Every bit of the why and what of me being in school was pummeled out of me as I beat myself up for being unable to do better. Everything seemed against me and I learned that in this big kid world, people will be unjust. And if accountability is not a part of the system in place, injustice will prevail overall unless someone happens along with the desire to right the wrong.
So now I'm staring at this cardio exam next week. I knew this material in and out last semester and made a 58 (with a huge curve). Last semester, my objective was to know the material so well that there was no way I would fail. I was also in a point of real desperation, and trusting to my unsaved friend's advice of just working harder and doing better, and trusting in that. Well, I'm simply not good enough to do well on this exam. I'm not. But I am smart enough to know that trusting in God rather than myself is my best bet. It's already committed to Him. If I fail, it's still all His. And if I pass, that will be fortunate, but it's certainly not the point.
I'm here because God saw fit to give me a big calling and the privilege of opportunity to pursue it. It's my job to work hard as unto Him. And then let it be His.
P.S. I've been watching the show Suits a lot, and it's grabbing at my emotional sectors. Unlike Game of Thrones, it is recognized as evil when these characters are evil, and the good is present too. Kinda seems human.
My dad emailed me yesterday to tell me that he watched the video of my trip to Uganda three years ago and it made him cry. When I went on that trip, it wasn't like my past trips out of the country. It wasn't pleasant. I didn't feel like I made a difference. It was my first experience in which people in leadership did not handle the leadership properly; this was not my first conclusion, but rather one that I arrived at after being blamed for an error and then seeking The Lord regarding that error. In the hospitals, I knew nothing. I felt helpless. Bedside manners, kindness, these were my only tools. My white lab coat conveyed a false hope regarding my training.
But it was the best mission trip in what it did to me. Day after day I was forced to see the need and be unable to do anything to remedy it.
Fast forward to last semester. I'm in medical school. I messed up but am determined to take back lost ground. And then, no matter how much I study, I am unable to make a passing grade in the class that I've already had multiple times before in lower education. Every bit of the why and what of me being in school was pummeled out of me as I beat myself up for being unable to do better. Everything seemed against me and I learned that in this big kid world, people will be unjust. And if accountability is not a part of the system in place, injustice will prevail overall unless someone happens along with the desire to right the wrong.
So now I'm staring at this cardio exam next week. I knew this material in and out last semester and made a 58 (with a huge curve). Last semester, my objective was to know the material so well that there was no way I would fail. I was also in a point of real desperation, and trusting to my unsaved friend's advice of just working harder and doing better, and trusting in that. Well, I'm simply not good enough to do well on this exam. I'm not. But I am smart enough to know that trusting in God rather than myself is my best bet. It's already committed to Him. If I fail, it's still all His. And if I pass, that will be fortunate, but it's certainly not the point.
I'm here because God saw fit to give me a big calling and the privilege of opportunity to pursue it. It's my job to work hard as unto Him. And then let it be His.
P.S. I've been watching the show Suits a lot, and it's grabbing at my emotional sectors. Unlike Game of Thrones, it is recognized as evil when these characters are evil, and the good is present too. Kinda seems human.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
What's To Come
The Old Testament gets a bad reputation. I'm reading it again now and am a few chapters into Exodus and I've gotta say, God has been super nice so far. Granted, up until the Ten Commandments show up, the Israelites (or Hebrews or Jews or whatever) don't have a lot of rules to break. Like when Abraham is supposed to have a kid, so his barren wife says "uh, duh, baby up my servant" and he does. Even though nowadays, we would all be like "Umm, you can't do that 'cause that's not your wife." Jacob is tricked into marrying one girl when he really wants to marry the other, hotter sister, so he ends up marrying both and tricking their father along the way.
These patriarchs, these forefathers of ours were pretty deceitful. In fact, Jacob's name and history both indicate deception. But God's blessings for them weren't dependent on their morals, on the good or bad they did beyond simple obedience to God.
I guess I'm just prepping myself for what's to come. We all know that God blasts the nation of Israel with plagues and various diseases every time they aren't faithful, and while it seemed unfair to me when I was younger, I'm thinking that it's super fair now. There's this whole contrast in society between doing something right to do something right, and doing something right to avoid getting caught (and falling right back into the default wrong when you aren't being watched).
People can be better and God knows it. Our default is to be good, and if we stay fit and healthy with righteous living, we don't need external help outside of God. But if we stop letting Him be our everything, we're stuck with depending on things that we aren't allowed to depend on. And when you're a nation that is led by God, God notices. It's not like dodging a cop. It's dodging an omniscient, omnipresent God. He's gonna see and hear.
Life shouldn't be about avoiding consequences. It should be about living well so that there aren't consequences to face.
These patriarchs, these forefathers of ours were pretty deceitful. In fact, Jacob's name and history both indicate deception. But God's blessings for them weren't dependent on their morals, on the good or bad they did beyond simple obedience to God.
I guess I'm just prepping myself for what's to come. We all know that God blasts the nation of Israel with plagues and various diseases every time they aren't faithful, and while it seemed unfair to me when I was younger, I'm thinking that it's super fair now. There's this whole contrast in society between doing something right to do something right, and doing something right to avoid getting caught (and falling right back into the default wrong when you aren't being watched).
People can be better and God knows it. Our default is to be good, and if we stay fit and healthy with righteous living, we don't need external help outside of God. But if we stop letting Him be our everything, we're stuck with depending on things that we aren't allowed to depend on. And when you're a nation that is led by God, God notices. It's not like dodging a cop. It's dodging an omniscient, omnipresent God. He's gonna see and hear.
Life shouldn't be about avoiding consequences. It should be about living well so that there aren't consequences to face.
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Decade Away
Turning 25 sucked. Even aside from the fact that I was studying for an exam all day, I mean. 24 was an age of anticipating 25. I was 23 up until my last few days in Europe... Now, at 25, I've jumped to being a decade away from my anticipated time of death. Not that it's likely to happen, but I do like to plan ahead.
In the words of one of my fellow medical students who was once a flatmate, "You're not an alcoholic if you don't deny it." (I'm just gonna leave this here)
Anyway, time continues to pass at an alarmingly constant rate and I'm just here caught in the winds of it.
Stayin' pure though.
In the words of one of my fellow medical students who was once a flatmate, "You're not an alcoholic if you don't deny it." (I'm just gonna leave this here)
Anyway, time continues to pass at an alarmingly constant rate and I'm just here caught in the winds of it.
Stayin' pure though.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Depression To Apathy To Happiness
Almost a month and a half into this semester and I seem to have finally made that transition from depressed to apathetic to (this week) happy. Grades are pretty good and every two weeks, I get to be lazy (to try to expedite my recovery from the previous two weeks of exams).
Here's what I think has made me happy again. See, last semester, life here was revealed to be incredibly unfair. Injustice seemed to reign unchecked. A professor at a medical school is worse than any substitute teacher you've had in high school? The only hope is to write a bad review of him the next semester, which you gradually realize will only be read by said professor, and not by any administration who might actually change something. In the class that should be the easier of your two difficult ones, you work harder and study in the specific way that you are instructed, and then your grades become worse as a direct result. You feel like you've mastered material (and according to outside practice questions, you have it down), and the result is a worse failure than you've yet had, a huge curve not even bumping you up into the 60's range. Meanwhile, grades are fine, even exceptional, in the classes you (rightly) feared most.
The love of learning was sucked right out of you and replaced with an overwhelming depression that forces its way in any time you think of doing well academically. In a world that quantifies you based on very flawed scoring system, any amount of happiness should really be shocking.
But in walks this semester. Class you're repeating is the same thing. There's no difference except a resentment towards that one professor whose questions caused your failure. Not a conscious, bitter resentment, but the kind that comes from the feeling of betrayal that can't help but linger when you obey the advice of someone who's supposed to know and it backfires in a most awful way.
After that class, though, is the new class, the class you've been looking forward to because of your previous experience in the clinic. That's right, it's neuroscience, and the head professor for the class is the best you've had thus far, for any class in your academic career. Even aside from perks like how he does not want you to preread (which is standard for any and every other class) and how he frequently lets class out early. Even aside from these things, he genuinely gets excited to teach and to have you join with him in the joy of learning, something that every other professor seems determined to drive out of us. We hang on his every word and he is sensitive to us as well. Unlike other professors, he goes over the test with you and tells you his impression of your weak spots (he pointed out that I was weaker in the later material, which is usually true because I review in chronological order, usually cramming by the time I reach the last lectures).
So now I have a class that I look forward to. It's not a matter of trying to force myself to look forward to it, either. I genuinely look forward to that class every day. Of course, another, far worse professor teaches during alternative blocks, so that is the flaw in the class.
Still, the joy of learning has returned, and that, coupled with good grades, is making this semester into a far more sober one. Granted, I drink wine every night now and am almost finished with one bottle of fancy rum and the vodka is 2/3 gone, but still, significantly more sober.
Here's what I think has made me happy again. See, last semester, life here was revealed to be incredibly unfair. Injustice seemed to reign unchecked. A professor at a medical school is worse than any substitute teacher you've had in high school? The only hope is to write a bad review of him the next semester, which you gradually realize will only be read by said professor, and not by any administration who might actually change something. In the class that should be the easier of your two difficult ones, you work harder and study in the specific way that you are instructed, and then your grades become worse as a direct result. You feel like you've mastered material (and according to outside practice questions, you have it down), and the result is a worse failure than you've yet had, a huge curve not even bumping you up into the 60's range. Meanwhile, grades are fine, even exceptional, in the classes you (rightly) feared most.
The love of learning was sucked right out of you and replaced with an overwhelming depression that forces its way in any time you think of doing well academically. In a world that quantifies you based on very flawed scoring system, any amount of happiness should really be shocking.
But in walks this semester. Class you're repeating is the same thing. There's no difference except a resentment towards that one professor whose questions caused your failure. Not a conscious, bitter resentment, but the kind that comes from the feeling of betrayal that can't help but linger when you obey the advice of someone who's supposed to know and it backfires in a most awful way.
After that class, though, is the new class, the class you've been looking forward to because of your previous experience in the clinic. That's right, it's neuroscience, and the head professor for the class is the best you've had thus far, for any class in your academic career. Even aside from perks like how he does not want you to preread (which is standard for any and every other class) and how he frequently lets class out early. Even aside from these things, he genuinely gets excited to teach and to have you join with him in the joy of learning, something that every other professor seems determined to drive out of us. We hang on his every word and he is sensitive to us as well. Unlike other professors, he goes over the test with you and tells you his impression of your weak spots (he pointed out that I was weaker in the later material, which is usually true because I review in chronological order, usually cramming by the time I reach the last lectures).
So now I have a class that I look forward to. It's not a matter of trying to force myself to look forward to it, either. I genuinely look forward to that class every day. Of course, another, far worse professor teaches during alternative blocks, so that is the flaw in the class.
Still, the joy of learning has returned, and that, coupled with good grades, is making this semester into a far more sober one. Granted, I drink wine every night now and am almost finished with one bottle of fancy rum and the vodka is 2/3 gone, but still, significantly more sober.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Several Of The Things Maybe
Made a 76 on my second neuro exam (which, by the way, was an awful exam). It was still above average (the lowest grade was a 49 and the highest a 98), so now I'm sitting at an 80.
My second physiology exam is on Monday. I might fail again. Who knows. I've been watching Kaplan videos all day to learn everything they were supposed to teach over the past few weeks. Hopefully I'll be able to not screw things up studying tomorrow.
On the bright side, my workout schedule is currently what it should be. Oh, and I changed my flight home to a day earlier, so I get three full weekends. Every day in America is a better day.
I've felt more and more distant relative to my friends. When you go months without seeing anyone that you used to see at least once in awhile, it takes its toll. I have fond memories, but as I had already explained to friends, I am and will be a different person at are next meetings, and they should be too.
I'm often closer to my female friends than my male friends, but an issue with distance is that objectification becomes a lot easier. If I don't Skype or see an attractive friend (all of my friends more or less meet that description) for awhile, it's easy to only view them in a romantic or sexual manner. But it's like every time I've gone to a bar or club; I can't stand the idea of just hitting on a girl, because I know that there's a real person there. I'm not trying to get a kiss or sex or whatever out of a conversation; I'm just genuinely wanting to get to know a person. But the mind is a tragic thing that will wander when it decides that it can justify stupidity within loneliness. In any case, the thoughts have been filtered and purified, and I'm on an upward trend once again.
I've been drinking red wine every day, after discovering that I can obtain okay wine at an okay price. I do miss the rum, but that is now reserved for nights when I'm not studying to fail an exam.
Anyway, life is awful, only made better/worse by idleness.
Hilariously, that reminds me. I turned 25 last week. It's great because now I've made it into the upper half of age ranges (half of the world's population is under 25). Every day is a trudge towards death. Lalalalalalalala.
My second physiology exam is on Monday. I might fail again. Who knows. I've been watching Kaplan videos all day to learn everything they were supposed to teach over the past few weeks. Hopefully I'll be able to not screw things up studying tomorrow.
On the bright side, my workout schedule is currently what it should be. Oh, and I changed my flight home to a day earlier, so I get three full weekends. Every day in America is a better day.
I've felt more and more distant relative to my friends. When you go months without seeing anyone that you used to see at least once in awhile, it takes its toll. I have fond memories, but as I had already explained to friends, I am and will be a different person at are next meetings, and they should be too.
I'm often closer to my female friends than my male friends, but an issue with distance is that objectification becomes a lot easier. If I don't Skype or see an attractive friend (all of my friends more or less meet that description) for awhile, it's easy to only view them in a romantic or sexual manner. But it's like every time I've gone to a bar or club; I can't stand the idea of just hitting on a girl, because I know that there's a real person there. I'm not trying to get a kiss or sex or whatever out of a conversation; I'm just genuinely wanting to get to know a person. But the mind is a tragic thing that will wander when it decides that it can justify stupidity within loneliness. In any case, the thoughts have been filtered and purified, and I'm on an upward trend once again.
I've been drinking red wine every day, after discovering that I can obtain okay wine at an okay price. I do miss the rum, but that is now reserved for nights when I'm not studying to fail an exam.
Anyway, life is awful, only made better/worse by idleness.
Hilariously, that reminds me. I turned 25 last week. It's great because now I've made it into the upper half of age ranges (half of the world's population is under 25). Every day is a trudge towards death. Lalalalalalalala.
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