Why are so many millenials leaving the Church? The election, basic science that the Church projects a disagreement towards, an apparent dislike for defending the types of minorities for whom Jesus and His apostles encouraged fighting...
Off the top of my head, these are some basic things that have discouraged me from going to church. Bear in mind that I have committed my life to the pursuit of Jesus and His purposes for me, but that does not stop me from recognizing and feeling the very distrust that is pushing away my generation.
I grew up being and experiencing the real thing with God. I prayed and He answered. First through others, then to me personally. I gobbled up sermons, took to heart the sermons at youth camps and elsewhere, and was given a calling that I neither expected nor was naturally gifted to undertake. With many difficulties and delays, I am still working toward that aspiration. But even as I was jealous of my peers who seemed so much more spiritual and gifted as I was growing up, I now see many of those same people giving up most of that in the name of being a regular person. This is not a bad thing in itself, as I see it. I could hardly relate to people before I dabbled in the realm of being a less than perfect Christian. But there comes a point at which one is living for the sake of living rather than for the sake of God, and in a world such as this, the line between those two can blur. The line has an even greater propensity toward becoming hazy when one is not involved in ministry to some degree.
As far as Christianity in the States, the message seems to have a strong message of anti-immigrant, anti- other religions, anti-science, anti-environment, and anti-alternative lifestyles. This, of course, is contrary to the message of Jesus Christ. I do not mean to say that Jesus endorsed other religions, lifestyle choices, etc., but rather, his message was salvation to all who believe. His message is a positive one, meant for all people, but people (including yours truly) have the habit of complicating it to the point that we form judgments. Since we are specifically not called to judge, but rather to bring salvation to all people, the formation of judgments seems odd, or, you know, stupid.
But maybe there is some part of Christianity that I never grasped when I read the Bible. Maybe the millions of child refugees in Syria are not worth the risk of helping. Perhaps I have a fool's understanding of healthcare and the need to help as many people as possible. I am an idiot on a number of levels, but it does not seem that difficult to grasp how easy it should be to apply verses from the book of James (which is one of the more critical books when it comes to emphasizing the need for changing one's lifestyle following salvation) to our own time in the world "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." (James 1:27)
Thursday, June 29, 2017
Saturday, June 24, 2017
Aged
It occurred to me that I never made a post as a reflection of the time since my last birthday. It is usually my habit to write reflections at least once a year, and since I doubt whether I did one at New Years, here we go.
Since my last birthday... Well, I lived on an island in the Caribbean during that time. I celebrated by drinking alone and watching a movie. This, you may note, bears a strong resemblance to the way I have learned to celebrate many things. Some might call it "unhealthy", whereas I would call it "all I had". It was near this time that Trump was chosen to be the Republican candidate, which would force upon many young people like myself the burden of caring about politics. I still maintain that I do not want to do so.
My emotional and geographical isolation on the island made moving back to the States into the only real goal. Passing classes, rather than learning enough to actually move on afterward, was the objective. And then I felt that incredible relief that comes from getting to move back to America. Unfortunately, my love for people, which included the primarily Muslim student population at my school, created issues at home. I traded my depression for anxiety. I lived in a house that supported Trump and ignored basic science; this does not meld well with someone studying evidence-based medicine (science) like myself. So I became more anxious as my family bought into the racism, bigotry, and propaganda. Trump won and those feelings began to overwhelm as I tried to study. I failed the exam once again that December and signed up for a study program in January, knowing that I probably needed it.
The study program turned out to be a very refreshing thing indeed. For one thing, I was around fellow medical scientists. For another, I was able to spend time with those whose skin colors did not match mine, which was a relief after the pro-Trump white town that my home had become. For the first time since college, I was around other people every day, and I was generally well-liked. Oh, my dad also got remarried during this time, so that was nice. Though it is funny to hear him and step-mom be so critical of the sinfulness of the LGBT crowd when, you know, the Bible also does not approve of divorce (nor remarrying). I, on the other hand, realize that my thoughts have strayed sexually before, so I have no room to judge (particularly since we are supposed to avoid judging anyway).
After that study program, I studied alone at our family's lake house, which was very good for studying, but pretty bad for social life. It was like the island, but only two hours away from a social life rather than an $800 12-hour journey. I failed that exam in April, but my score had improved quite a bit from previous attempts, enough for me to transfer to another school on the neighbor island. And once I had transferred, I made the move to the one place in the world where I thought that I might have the best chance of a healthy lifestyle while studying. Thus do I now find myself in Siloam Springs, Arkansas. I'm a short walk from a coffee shop, a bar, and karaoke once a month. Easy to make new friends and to catch up with old ones. It is a little colder than Texas, but I must admit that those two years in the Caribbean made me want to avoid summer for as long as possible.
And so it is that I am now 27. My dating app minimum and maximum ages have been moved up by one year, so you know it is real.
Since my last birthday... Well, I lived on an island in the Caribbean during that time. I celebrated by drinking alone and watching a movie. This, you may note, bears a strong resemblance to the way I have learned to celebrate many things. Some might call it "unhealthy", whereas I would call it "all I had". It was near this time that Trump was chosen to be the Republican candidate, which would force upon many young people like myself the burden of caring about politics. I still maintain that I do not want to do so.
My emotional and geographical isolation on the island made moving back to the States into the only real goal. Passing classes, rather than learning enough to actually move on afterward, was the objective. And then I felt that incredible relief that comes from getting to move back to America. Unfortunately, my love for people, which included the primarily Muslim student population at my school, created issues at home. I traded my depression for anxiety. I lived in a house that supported Trump and ignored basic science; this does not meld well with someone studying evidence-based medicine (science) like myself. So I became more anxious as my family bought into the racism, bigotry, and propaganda. Trump won and those feelings began to overwhelm as I tried to study. I failed the exam once again that December and signed up for a study program in January, knowing that I probably needed it.
The study program turned out to be a very refreshing thing indeed. For one thing, I was around fellow medical scientists. For another, I was able to spend time with those whose skin colors did not match mine, which was a relief after the pro-Trump white town that my home had become. For the first time since college, I was around other people every day, and I was generally well-liked. Oh, my dad also got remarried during this time, so that was nice. Though it is funny to hear him and step-mom be so critical of the sinfulness of the LGBT crowd when, you know, the Bible also does not approve of divorce (nor remarrying). I, on the other hand, realize that my thoughts have strayed sexually before, so I have no room to judge (particularly since we are supposed to avoid judging anyway).
After that study program, I studied alone at our family's lake house, which was very good for studying, but pretty bad for social life. It was like the island, but only two hours away from a social life rather than an $800 12-hour journey. I failed that exam in April, but my score had improved quite a bit from previous attempts, enough for me to transfer to another school on the neighbor island. And once I had transferred, I made the move to the one place in the world where I thought that I might have the best chance of a healthy lifestyle while studying. Thus do I now find myself in Siloam Springs, Arkansas. I'm a short walk from a coffee shop, a bar, and karaoke once a month. Easy to make new friends and to catch up with old ones. It is a little colder than Texas, but I must admit that those two years in the Caribbean made me want to avoid summer for as long as possible.
And so it is that I am now 27. My dating app minimum and maximum ages have been moved up by one year, so you know it is real.
Formative Years & Crucible
Studying is going pretty well now. I go to sleep at like 11 AM and wake up around 6 PM, which leaves me all night to study. This has made me cut down on drinking and movie times, so that is peachy. My practice test scores are not where I want them to be, but I am watching lectures and such. Just need to incorporate actual reading back into studying.
Something that has been annoying me lately is working out. I need to do it to stay emotionally balanced and disciplined (and ready to dance), but at a certain point, I just wish I could use it for something. Things look nice in the mirror and then I get dressed and that's about it.
My thought life has been less than ideal. Thoughts stray too often. The excuse is of course that I am stuck in this study life. It is the same reason that I am required to be selfish, all of it for the sake of being what I need to be in a few years. The focus is on myself for now so that it can be upon others later, and to a much greater degree. But it never feels healthy.
A big update in my world is that I have just about completed my third Juice Journal, with volume four having arrived just yesterday. The Juice Journal is a place where, after one has partaken of alcohol, one may write whatever they feel inspired to write. This recently completed one began in 2014, the year after I graduated from college, and has been through weddings, three months in Europe, two years in Caribbean med school, and the last year or so in the States. If the first two Juice Journals were during my formative years, this last one was during a period that resembled a crucible, a gritty refining. Despite my seemingly continuous frustrations in college, there was much happiness; since then, the hurdles that have come have seemed bereft of the relief that one would expect on the next horizon.
Moving back to Siloam Springs for the summer has brought an amazing amount of relief though. If I ever need a break, I have friends close by, both casual and fairly close. Well, a long history at least. And the best part is that everything is a few minutes away. And that really is a game changer.
Thursday, June 15, 2017
The Bridesmaid Identity
As I begin seriously studying weeks after I had intended to do so, I am noticing a drop in confidence. Two months is a long time to go without studying hard. And three months is a very short time to be studying hard. A friend tells me that once you pass the STEP 1, this school places you in clinical rotations quickly (as early as six weeks from test day), which is crazy. The idea that I could actually be in real school again, rather than studying the same crap in an endless cycle, is kind of nuts. So I need to get this done, and do so well.
I have a friend here who does not have a car, so she asks me frequently to give her rides to and from work, as well as for groceries. She is one example of humans to whom I need to begin saying "no". I am not disciplined enough for that kind of friendship while studying.
I attended a wedding on Sunday and saw a pretty short-haired bridesmaid. I asked my friend about her and she (my friend) said they used to live together. Pretty bridesmaid and I later danced with a few others on the dance floor (the grand total was less than six, if I recall correctly). She commented on how she had forgotten what a good dancer I was, which created a mystery for me. She knew who I was, but by golly, her identity remained a mystery to myself. I was going to introduce myself, but the opportunity never came up.
Hours later, I learned her name and Facebook creeped long enough to find her JBU pictures and realized who she was. The haircut she received had performed an apparently dramatic transformation upon her appearance. I counted it fortunate that I had not spoken to her because I had had a class with her and had thereafter mispronounced her name in a specific manner each time I greeted her in passing, a trend which I am fairly sure I maintained throughout the three years that we both attended JBU.
She showed up on a dating app last night, but the ship may have sailed. She does, however, live relatively close to Chicago, which just so happens to be a potential location for my clinical rotations in the somewhat near future.
I have a friend here who does not have a car, so she asks me frequently to give her rides to and from work, as well as for groceries. She is one example of humans to whom I need to begin saying "no". I am not disciplined enough for that kind of friendship while studying.
I attended a wedding on Sunday and saw a pretty short-haired bridesmaid. I asked my friend about her and she (my friend) said they used to live together. Pretty bridesmaid and I later danced with a few others on the dance floor (the grand total was less than six, if I recall correctly). She commented on how she had forgotten what a good dancer I was, which created a mystery for me. She knew who I was, but by golly, her identity remained a mystery to myself. I was going to introduce myself, but the opportunity never came up.
Hours later, I learned her name and Facebook creeped long enough to find her JBU pictures and realized who she was. The haircut she received had performed an apparently dramatic transformation upon her appearance. I counted it fortunate that I had not spoken to her because I had had a class with her and had thereafter mispronounced her name in a specific manner each time I greeted her in passing, a trend which I am fairly sure I maintained throughout the three years that we both attended JBU.
She showed up on a dating app last night, but the ship may have sailed. She does, however, live relatively close to Chicago, which just so happens to be a potential location for my clinical rotations in the somewhat near future.
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Humans Abound
The problem with moving back into a town with humans is that I have to start saying "no" again. I need to study. I cannot afford to just casually invite a friend over. Friends are made of human, so you cannot tell how much time they will occupy.
I am behind on studying. Gotta get better at this. Fortunately, my practice test scores seem to be in the same range that they were when I left off. Just need to get refreshed on some things.
Monday, June 5, 2017
Turning 27
Wow, I hadn't realized that so much time had passed. To get you up to speed, I made a 64 on that big exam. Passing score was 68. I was pretty encouraged though, because my last scores were in the low 50's. The school had started a new policy (without informing students) that gives you a failing grade if you cannot pass that test after three tries, and then requires you to return to the island for a remedial course, after which you may retake the test three additional times. I never wish to return to that island, so I instead transferred to the school on the island next door, where the passing grade for the same exam is a 60. So rather than study for another stupid exam, I get to study for the real STEP 1 exam. As long as I pass that thing, I get to move on to clinical rotations. Finally.
As soon as I was accepted into the new school, I drove to Siloam Springs, Arkansas, where I went to college, and found an apartment. I have lived here for a few weeks and adore it. I can walk to coffee shops, the library, and bars, and people very much like me. A few dear friends live in the area too, which is relieving.
It is my birthday today. I am beginning the transition into my late-twenties. Since I plan to be dead by 35, it feels like I am getting old. However, everyone new I meet is surprised when I tell them my age. Most seem to think that I'm somewhere between 19-22, and that assumption suits me just fine.
Studying has basically been on hold since I last blogged, so you can imagine the amount of stupids currently residing in my brain. I am trying to get back into the swing of it. Life here is beautiful and wonderful and I'm excited to learn to balance both it and studying. I hope I have the discipline to include both in my life.
Hopefully I'll be a decent enough human to blog a reflection on this past year. But for now, I want to try to study and live a little today.
As soon as I was accepted into the new school, I drove to Siloam Springs, Arkansas, where I went to college, and found an apartment. I have lived here for a few weeks and adore it. I can walk to coffee shops, the library, and bars, and people very much like me. A few dear friends live in the area too, which is relieving.
It is my birthday today. I am beginning the transition into my late-twenties. Since I plan to be dead by 35, it feels like I am getting old. However, everyone new I meet is surprised when I tell them my age. Most seem to think that I'm somewhere between 19-22, and that assumption suits me just fine.
Studying has basically been on hold since I last blogged, so you can imagine the amount of stupids currently residing in my brain. I am trying to get back into the swing of it. Life here is beautiful and wonderful and I'm excited to learn to balance both it and studying. I hope I have the discipline to include both in my life.
Hopefully I'll be a decent enough human to blog a reflection on this past year. But for now, I want to try to study and live a little today.
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