Empty

I dunno guys. I feel pretty refreshed. The break could have been longer, but those cruises were so eventful with karaoke and getting to know the crew and such that it just seemed to hit the spot. That and seeing so many attractive white girls, both there and in Miami.

But I don't believe in myself for this semester. Last semester, I had loads of confidence. I thought, "I got this. I know how med school works." Then I learned that I don't. Now I'm repeating a class that, when I knew the material like the back of my hand, I made a 50 on the exam. I've learned that knowing everything I'm supposed to know does not mean that I will do well. In fact, it can mean failure, failing worse than when I know significantly less.

But there's hope, I suppose. A friend of mine failed our two main classes last semester but was able to transfer to the neighboring island's med school, Windsor, without much trouble at all. And she actually gets to move on, studying what we're studying. And their curriculum allows her to leave the island in January, doing a Kaplan course in Chicago. She gets to move back to the States. AND they can do core clinical rotations in Texas, something that doesn't happen for any Caribbean med students. After hearing that, I just wanted to go to that school, despite the fact that it's less reputable than ours. Ours is in the Big 5 Caribbean med schools. MUA has begun to stand out in the time that I've been here, since it's been approved for federal loans. California approval is expected in the fall. Everything improves with the presence of one devoted to The Lord.

But about that.

I feel so spiritually empty. I read my Bible and probably pray every day, but the conversations don't feel like dialogue anymore. It's me saying that things are the way they are, and then seemingly dead silence on the other end. I try to hold onto the hope and the promises of God, but they seem so, SO very distant... I'm in the last semester before things are supposed to get easier and more practical, preparing us for what the rest of our careers are supposed to be like.

I just don't believe that I can make it. I mean, I guess maybe I do? But at this point, it's like I'm not even choosing this life or lifestyle anymore; it's more like I've already hacked a trail deep into this forest of awful and I just kinda might as well keep going forward since going back seems like a waste of my efforts thus far.

I miss church. I miss being in ministry. If what I went through last semester is anything like what working in medicine will be like, I do sincerely hope that I'm killed somehow along the way. I am very talented in so many areas, most of them pretty unrelated to this. I mean, I'm okay at medicine, but I'm great at speaking and performing and social skills. And the mission field. Anywhere but here.

On the bright side, my new classes all seem very interesting and worth learning from.