Done Got Broke

I don't think I've ever had an experience that hit me as hard as Uganda did. Honestly, the flashbacks and images that haunted me afterwards, that made me grimace and shudder when they suddenly erupted in my mind at various times throughout the day, they reminded me of my first car accident. I had had my car only a month before I was t-boned. I still remember the flashback images, see the other car entering into my car just ahead of where I was seated.

The point is, I literally had stressful flashbacks of the experience. I couldn't force myself to actually think about it because it was that trying. The pain that people had to go through, the needless pain... The children in pain. Doctors and nurses and nursing students, digging away into a child's pelvic region, searching for the femoral artery in order to get a blood sample, when a cannula has already been inserted into their hands, making a perfectly good point at which to draw blood. That man with the laceration to his head, and the nursing student who laughed at the pain as he stitched up a wound that was certain to become infected later...

The only clear thought I had afterwards was that I needed to go back, not necessarily to those hospitals, but to ones like them, and correct the wrongs being done, training nurses and students properly. If the students are practicing medicine too early out of sheer necessity, they need to know how to do so without screwing up the patients even more than when they came in.

I keep on feeling like there's more to glean from it though...

Company

Bad company corrupts good character. The problem is that I'm at a point in life when a lot of the company I had once chosen wasn't the best for me, and the good company I could have chosen is now kinda distant. You aren't supposed to abandon friends just because they're crapping up, but then again, I don't wanna start crapping up.

Just how strong in the Lord am I? 'Cause that really is going to be the determining factor in these decisions. A friend of mine who has led loads of mission trips and teaches at conferences and stuff recently posted on Facebook, asking who would like to travel with him next year. And I just thought how that would be the greatest way to begin mission work. To actually tag along and do ministry alongside someone who really knows what they're doing, who inherited the job of the head of his ministry only a few years ago.

I mean, imagine traveling, being mentored by a missionary who is literally training pastors and leaders to rise up in their local areas. It's called a dream internship, and that would be the ideal summer. Gah, if God would be willing to make that work, I would just love it.

How Did It Change Me

I've begun to wonder how much Uganda changed me. It wasn't a matter of leaving America, or even of going to Africa. I've done both before. But when I was in Kenya, I did what I could and then left. With Uganda, there just wasn't much I could do, but it was obvious that something needed to be done, or their medical care would continue to crap up.

I've seen enough now that I know things. There's no guesswork. I need to graduate from college, and from medical school, because people in those places need me to. When I do my homework now, I first think along the lines of "Well, I gave it a shot," but then remember those people and I think, "No. I need to do better. Better than whatever my 'best' was before." They can't afford to have me do a second-rate job.

Total other note. Since my senior year has started, I've already felt overwhelmed by people. My old youth pastor texted me, reminding me that I need to be intentional with people. And naturally, he's right. I had relearned over the summer the simple art of not seeing people and learning to be content with it. However, if not for myself, then I need to see people for the sake of people.

I guess I just love the idea of pouring myself out, of exhausting every part of me without expecting anything in return. When I begin to think that anyone owes me, or that I should expect something from them, I correct myself. Lately, I've begun to think that that might have turned into a it of a trust issue. After all, no expectations for people means that I don't really believe a good portion of what people say. People are fickle. God isn't. He's the only one I trust, I suppose.

Maybe I've been rambling. I'm too drowsy to tell.

Expect Nothing In Return

Every time I get frustrated at a person, I tell myself "No one owes you anything. You pour yourself out and give yourself, and expect nothing in return. If you get any perks (like friendship) out of it, that's a bonus." I don't know how healthy that mindset is, but I usually hold to it. If people are unresponsive or rude or hard to deal with, I just remember that I'm doing my part, and continue to do so, regardless of how they act about it.

I'm not so sure that it's healthy though. Because I think of people this way, I think of them as fickle, and don't tend to trust people all that far. Maybe that's normal and healthy, but maybe not.

Crappy Authority

I've become pretty critical of authority. It comes from being raised with the knowledge that I need to always obey leadership, and also having been raised with good leadership. But now I've seen and been around enough to know that not all leadership is great. There is authority out there that does not know how to do things correctly, and doesn't always care to know.

When I begin to decide what ministries to work with as a medical missionary, I need to be careful. I want to be as useful as possible to help as many as possible.