Picking Myself Up. Again.

What does one do when they find out that they failed everything? Well, ideally, I would pick myself up and try again. But basically, I just kept working that neurology rotation. Finished that last week. So now I have a month until I am tentatively planning to do my next rotation, and in that time, I am supposed to study enough to pass that test.

The reality that I had imagined was that I would have this month to relax. I wreck my mind and body, deny myself fun and pleasure and relationships, all with the understood condition that this is a temporary state. But no, I am meant to simply get back to the grind, even with residency quickly becoming less likely and the daunting revelation that I will likely have to find something else to do within medicine for a year with a medical doctorate. Given that knowledge, I am supposed to just start studying for this test again.

Can I just say what I would rather do at this point? The most fulfilling thing in the last year of my life has been this podcast. Never before have I been able to actually utilize so much of my creative energy. And I just feel as if I am genuinely good at it. All of the planning, script writing, character building, reconnecting with old friends to have them on (which reminded me just now to text an old friend from college), it just feels as if this is what I was meant to do.

That being said, I just need to come around and face this. But I have been sitting at Starbucks for two hours, unable to make myself study. I have so much anxiety, so long term, with no relief.

I met up with a girl I had liked a few years ago. Model, recently graduated from nursing school, starting her new job tomorrow. A lot had changed for her since she made it through nursing school. For one, she was very agreeable to the prospect of going out for drinks. So we went to a brewery, and our conversation was so nice. Because I was no longer romantically interested in her, and also because as far as I knew, she had a boyfriend, I was not nervous to be around her. This in turn meant that I was very funny and charming, and though she left town the following day, she later texted me hinting that I should visit her in San Antonio for their version of Oktoberfest. Our conversation had me questioning some things. After all, she is most of the things on my list of what I am looking for in a person, but what am I at this point? I do not necessarily recognize myself or where I am with God. Okay, that is just me overthinking the basics of what was a very mutually pleasant outing.

Time to leave this Starbucks to go home and see if I can muster up enough inspiration to get to really studying today.

Failed Every Test

Well, I failed that exam. This means that I have failed every major exam in medical school. Because of this, I am naturally having to reconsider my path for the next year and a half. Even if I had passed these exams, residency interviews were never a guarantee. Since I have now failed each and every one of them, I just... I am so exhausted on so many levels. I have given up so much of my years of youth, and all for the sake of this continually impossible thing. I gave this test to God before taking it, and during the exam, and since then. And I spent ten minutes before opening that failing email just reassuring myself that I probably failed, and that is okay because it belongs to God anyway.

But even if I retake the tests next month (which is the plan), the only residency that I have a chance of getting into is still merely that, a chance. The likelihood is that I will not get a residency next year. I certainly would not give me an interview if I were in the position of the residency directors, much less a residency position.

On top of all of this, when I requested a transcript from my school, they were missing most of the evaluations from my rotations last year. And the agency that manages my rotations has not responded to my emails about it, so I have to call them up next week even though applications go out tomorrow.

So I have failed all of the tests, cannot retrieve my transcript to apply to residencies, and am frankly just so exhausted and depressed from everything that led up to this point that I do not know how to deal with it.

The only thing in my life that seems good and fulfilling is this comedy podcast. At least that makes me feel successful and intelligent. Granted, the statistics we have for it make it similar to my test scores in that we have not exactly been blowing up in popularity.

So next year, I just do not know. The blog posts about people who did not get a residency read similarly to those about people who fail these exams, just depressing. I will have to find some job that allows me to have clinical interactions. And it will be tricky because by then, I will presumably have passed my exams and become an M.D., so I will no longer be a student with the student access to a clinical setting under the supervision of a doctor. I just do not know. Ideally, I would find something that pays and also gives credits toward residency, but from what I understand, that does not exist without having already completed the intern year. I have looked at missions work, like the possibility of getting my feet wet before I really start residency, but I would want to generate income rather than having to raise money by asking for donations. If what I am looking for exists, then I do not know how to find it.

Times are tough. I keep being reminded that I am so much better at so many other things and that, as always, God has told me to go on this path that is not a legitimate match for me. At least now it is more a question of when rather than if, but that is a small comfort in the face of failure with the expectation that I must push through my current and very present failures to continue studying. I could take that exam a great many times, but the studying for it has been so crippling.

But maybe this podcast will be something...

Started Neuro & Dreading Scores

I started my neurology rotation this week. The doctor with whom I am working has been easy, not making me do anything. In fact, he primarily just complains to myself and to patients about patients and doctors and the overall state of the world. All day, every day. I have of course been learning a lot too. For one thing, treatment options for seizures in the neuro section of my textbook are just plain wrong. In addition, a focused neurological exam is not as terrifying as I had thought, and I think I can be good at doing it in an appropriately abbreviated way in the future. Having never really seen a neurological exam done properly in the past, it had remained a fearful unknown.

Next week, I will be working with the main doctor, for whom I had previously worked as a medical assistant years ago. From my understanding, she is far more thorough, so I will need to study up this weekend.

On Wednesday, I am likely to receive my exam scores from a few weeks ago. Parts of me have tried to speak up and say things like "But what if you passed? How amazing would that be?" But let's be real. I likely failed that thing. And I just do not want to deal with falling from the greater metaphorical height of presumed good scores, because the impact of that fall is worse than just a neutral or failing approach. Family keeps asking me how I think I did. Honestly, I think that I failed, but I have just told them that I do not know, which is also true.

In the world of my podcast, it is not growing, but it is not losing listeners either. It just needs more exposure, and some cross-promotion from other podcasts is likely the best route for that. Oh, and I also found an audio interface at a low price, so I am finally able to record without finding other friends to manage that portion.