One Big YES

I've said "no" to so much, I kinda forgot an important principle. Being successful isn't about saying "no" to the less important things; it's about saying "yes" to the things that matter, and that will (hopefully) tend to override the less important things.

Of course, all of this starts with saying one big "YES" to God. 'Cause really, concentrating on the affirmative rather than the negative is the best way to approach, you know, life and all. I have an Organic Chemistry test in the morning, but honestly, I'm just going to learn (cram) as much as I can tonight, and give it to God (and to the instructor in the form of a completed test). It's His, as is my time tonight.

So now, I'm going to say "YES" to Him and His offer to give me a hope entirely different from what I see. He can make the rest of this semester kick rear, and I wanna submit to His methods of doing so.

All Better.

Driven again.

But I'm not going to say "no" to everything like I've been doing all semester. Next semester is going to be full of fun, as is the end of this one.

Against All Hope (Again)

God and I made peace. Against all hope, I'm going to believe in the hope that He'll make my grades what they need to be (Romans 4-5). Meanwhile, I'm just going to do my best to learn. 'Cause I love learning, especially if I'm learning something that everyone else thinks I can't learn.

So yeah, essentially back where I was before the weekend. The reason this came up so rapidly, I think, is because this semester, I've been too preoccupied with other peoples' problems. Up until now, I was too busy with theirs to give my own problems any real attention. Something tells me that ministry will resemble that a lot.

Pulling That Patriarch Crap

So, I went to sleep angry at God, but after lunch and a shower, we managed to kinda be on better terms. (It's mostly 'cause I know He always wins when we fight, so I figured that I should let it happen rather than drag it out.) I'm still gonna be working hard, but I expecting/not really expecting Him to show Himself in it. The ball is in His court (or, at least, that's how my lil' brain likes to think of it until He humbles me).

AND WHY ON EARTH IS HE CHOOSING TO PULL THE SAME CRAP ON ME THAT HE DID ON ABRAHAM??? IT WASN'T PLEASANT FOR HIM, AND IT'S SURE NOT PLEASANT FOR ME!

Real Christian Frustrations

Once in awhile, every real Christian should go out by himself (or herself) and rant to God. As a real follower of Christ, I did so tonight. And when I say that I ranted to God, I mean that I ranted to Him about Him, calling Him out on what I perceive to be flaws and inconsistencies in what He's doing.

It was a long rant. A good 45 minutes or so of God getting to hear just what He should have been doing. In short, my grades are down (not that I expect differently anymore), I've turned down most extracurriculars in an effort to do better and appease the science department, and I find myself getting tired and fed up with myself for it. And the worst part is, I'm trying to submit everything to God the whole time! He makes me feel great, sure, but He called me to be a doctor. That means good grades. It also means not my grades. I don't have too heavy a workload either. Other guys in my major manage twice as much and sports and girlfriends.

It's frustrating, because without all the extracurricular things, without acting or making videos or performing, all I have to show for the semester is my grades. And since I'm insecure in that, it makes me feel insecure in myself.

Agh. There's more, but I'm tired, and I've been ranting for hours to God and people (about God).

Goodbye

One of the most talented, lazy, and confused people I know is leaving for California tomorrow. It's partly because of him that hanging out with friends has had a larger focus on dirnking rather than just hanging out, because his theology and philosophy on life has been changing so drastically that he can't help but keep talking about it. All the time. And it makes us uncomfortable because the Bible isn't his foundation for it all, and it's hard to reason with anything like that.

But he's going to California tomorrow. He has some stuff to hash out with his parents. I just hope and pray that he listens to wisdom. I wrote him a letter to tell him what wisdom wants him to do (and to say general goodbyes), and I just hope he receives it well. 'Cause home is not going to be easy for him to go back to now.

Now our lil' friend group has been whittled down to just a few of us. I wonder how that'll go. I hope we all get to grow more spiritually. And dirnk dirnks for the sake of getting to know people rather than just to dirnk.

Dauntingly Beautiful

Sometimes, life being dauntingly busy makes you focus on what's important to the point that life becomes dauntingly beautiful.

Like God.

I also finally settled on a new reading plan for my Word time. I'm pop, lock, and dropping Acts, and probably hanging out in those first few epistles after it. I was going for Genesis, to possibly clear through the whole Old Testament again, but I honestly got too bored. I'm not very involved in any ministry, not being challenged much spiritually besides with leading worship, so I don't easily find the drive to read anymore, at least not where I'd have to kinda power through the boring to find the exciting.

Talking with Adam Howard a few weeks ago, he asked me questions about charismatic beliefs and spiritual gifts. Despite having taught on it in high school, I've largely put those out of my mind since JBU. Schools as baptist as this one tend to have that effect. Where Adam used to focus on everything else and I on only the spiritual gifts, he has now become curious, and I had to try to remember all I had learned. It wasn't so hard, 'cause I did put countless hours into studying that junk. It's just strange to see where I'm at now. Most people at this school would not know what to do if a demon began to manifest in someone here. I've had experience with it.

Oh Life And Dreams

Well, the good ol' science department required us to go to an hour-and-a-half session on how to study for the MCAT, the standardized test for medical school admissions. They recommend we begin studying at least six months in advance (that being the very latest time). I'm terrified and probably threw up a lil' in my mouth throughout the session, and now I'm ready to distract myself from the future.

After The Gathering on Sunday (where God talked to me a bunch), there was dance music on, and I let it take me and went crazy with it. Oh how I miss that. Along with being a doctor, a video editor, a preacher, and whatever else, I'm also aiming to be a one-man show. I know it'll do wonders for spreading some gospel 'cause I always stop to watch street performers if they're good enough. It's one of my plans to reel 'em in then smack the love of God in their face. BAM!

And tonight, I have to write about dreams for a nonfiction paper for my creative writing class. I chose dreams mostly (entirely) because they are one of my favorite parts of life. Not because I've lived the dream life as a child actor in Hollywood, but rather because my favorite part of the day is when I get to dream. Anyway, odds are that I'll post a shortened version on here, so please, hold your breath.

I Wish I Wish

I really wish that I had time to be involved in a ministry on campus. Up till now, I did, but I knew I'd get too busy, and voila, I am. I like being in leadership with ministry 'cause it forces me to be way more accountable. If I crap up with God, the people I'm leading take a hit as a result, so I'm forced to do things right.

On the bright side, school being as hard as it is makes me look to God constantly. Otherwise, I get really depressed really fast, 'cause I ignore both people and God in my efforts to do well, and that's a good way to crap up your life.

Oh, and concentrating on God is great. It makes me miss the whole distance-crush thing I used to do, back whenever there was absolutely no mutual interest between myself and my crushes, and, therefore, no distraction.

It's That Time Again

The time when the leaves start to change, there's a bit of a chill in the air, and the homework and tests all think, "Oh crap, half the semester just passed! We'd better fatten ourselves up and drown students in a hopeless pile of impossible." Needless to say (yet I say it), Organic Chemistry decided to use this week to assign homework due Friday and Monday (normally spaced out over two-week intervals), and have a test on Monday to go with it. And there's a Physics test tomorrow, and let's not forget that Mock Rock is this weekend, along with Halloween activities, and basketball season starts on Tuesday, so I'm going to be working now on top of everything else.

This semester was honestly feeling lazy till now. Fortunately, school and life being this hectic and busy tends to force me to concentrate on God, so thank Him for that.

Simple Answers

I was actually beginning to wonder why I hadn't blogged much interesting lately, and I realized why: God tends to be the inspiration.

So I was asking God all about these decisions on dating, grades, performing, being busy, and everything, and He simplified everything a lot during worship tonight at The Gathering, the student-led service at JBU.

First off, give everything to God. He gave me bad grades in my most important classes to remind me of an extremely important detail: I need Him. At the beginning of the semester, my problem was that I was picking up on some things really quickly, especially in Physics, where most of it was common sense. So I had largely begun to think of myself as capable of handling the workload, kinda leaving God out of a lot of it. MISTAKE. If he's not the reason, the ability, and every bit of inspiration for a work you're doing, you are doing it wrong. So during worship, He had me give everything over to Him.

Next, the issue of dating came up, and I asked Him whether I should ask a certain someone out. In truth, I had largely felt the urge to do so more because the advice from most of my friends is to go ahead and ask her out. So I asked God, and He said that I should be falling in love with Him first before I tried falling in love with anyone else, and since I was struggling with falling in love with God tonight, it probably wasn't smart to go after a girl right now.

As long as I'm following His lead, I won't screw it up. Really. The problem that most of us tend to have is that we ask God for help, and ask Him if such and such a decision is the correct one, and then we ditch Him to go after whatever He directed us to. God wants to be the focus throughout. And He deserves it. As for me, if He's gracious enough to answer me when I call out in my distress, you bet He is entitled to every bit of commitment when I'm feeling rather dandy, not particularly feeling like I need Him.

Also, the songs with a fast pace and a strong beat help me concentrate so much during worship. I dunno if it's just that my body has something to do, or if it's my body actually feeling the music, which helps me connect to it spiritually, mentally, emotionally, or whatever other -ally's may be involved.

This Semester's Me

I'm not sure if I like this semester's me. I hid behind my quirkiness as a freshman. I acted and modeled all the time for the last two years of college. No one could have guessed that I was a pre-med Biology major. Now, I don't try to be so quirky. I haven't acted and hardly ever model. People know that I'm a Biology major.

This feels kinda like a repeat of junior year in high school. That's when I dropped acting for the first time in my life. It's also when I first asked God if I should ask a girl out. The answer then was the clearest I've ever gotten from God ("NO!"). I was crazy about God, and He led me through everything, even giving me busy social weekends, which tend to be something I'm not good at making happen for myself.

I'm now starting to think about asking a girl out. It isn't a big deal for most people, but being raised in a private Christian school largely craps up one's view on dating, and gives you a false fear of it. I don't feel nearly as close to God as I did four years ago (which is in contrast to my feeling like a more spiritually mature person now), so my main fear is that I'll do what everyone else seems to do and ask a girl out, only to find that God wasn't so involved in the selection process, so it craps up.

The other fear, of course, comes from ye olde insecure divorced parents. God is the only thing preventing me from inheriting those ghastly negative traits from my parents that I so fear. And yeah, I previously did not have any real fears, but that is most definitely a real one I possess now.

Creative Non-Fiction

Today, a new genre was introduced in our Intro to Creative Writing class. It's called Creative Non-Fiction, and judging by the 50 minutes the professor spent defining the genre, it's just a blog. And that's all.

Feeling of Accomplishment

That last post was made before a shower. I felt ever so greasy and awful.

It's hard to keep a positive mindset. Like I said, I feel like it's a cartoon here, where there is always the same overarching plotline of making good grades, when the real story happens in living life. The problem is, I feel like I haven't had so many real stories. I mean, half a semester went by and I feel like all I have to show for it are grades. No acting, one modeling job, no making videos, and no real performances. My efforts to avoid getting distracted have only managed to make me demoralized. Granted, I like a lot of what I'm studying now. Especially research (though the poison ivy isn't helping that case). It's just that I don't feel like I've accomplished anything, like I've got nothing to show for my time right now.

I've thought about doing more vlogs, if only in small tidbits. Since I'm thinking of keeping my facial hair after No-Shave November, I might document it and show a little of my progression through my two years here.

The thing that originally gave me the most accomplished feeling, the greatest sense that regardless of what anybody says, I achieved something worthwhile, is the mission field. It's a selfless act of leaping into the unknown and relying on whatever you had prepared to get you through, clinging to God and casting everything on Him, 'cause if you for a moment lose focus on Jesus, everything you do on the mission field goes to nothing.

But I'm not there. And I haven't accomplished anything.

Stupid Cartoons

Life at school is a cartoon. I come back and all the characters are familiar and act in the same ol' way for the most part. The only real conflict is grades, which makes me (the star character from my point of view) go through a lot of character development in dealing with those frustrations. However, this semester, the cartoon has lost much of its luster because I said "no" to other commitments and just concentrated on school. The only new midterm grade I got is that of failure from Organic Chemistry. No surprise there. But really, I wish I could at least have a chance to try at something that is actually pre-MED. But the only class at this school that fits that model is Anatomy/Physiology with the cadaver labs, and because this school so conveniently piled its science labs on the same days, I have to wait till next year for that.

It's frustrating.

And one of my best friends from high school (and since then too) is getting married in the summer while I'm in Uganda. I was going to be a groomsman.

On the bright side, I got to be friends with my brothers this weekend. Of course, the only way that happened was through talking about alcohol. That's brother bonding.

During This Fall Break

I didn't experience the most relaxation in the world, but I did do a few things. I drank wine again, which was ever so good. And my parents were around, so that made the JBU covenant happy. And I went to a karaoke bar, which was loads of fun, 'cause everyone singing was like me, but in order to be me, they had to drink first. My sobriety=their drunkenness. I made a few more entries in my juice journal and (hopefully) won't feel that need for drinking on the weekends I've been feeling so much at school. But I might still feel it, and if I do, I've learned a lot, especially since my brother worked as a bartender till last week, so he taught me some of the cool lingo.

God and I should probably talk soon. I need to pick a new reading plan, since I finished what God told me to finish. Maybe alternating between old/new testaments? I'm thinking I'll aim for that.

Uganda Mission Trip 2012 Meeting

I went to a meeting tonight for the Mission Trip to Uganda with my school. I get internship credit for shadowing a physician if I'm accepted into the program, so it's practical for my education.

And it's everything I want to do. They described it as basically getting a taste of real work. If I get in, this won't be like mission trips I've been on before. It'll be like going to work. Like, my future job. You know, waking up every morning, heading to the hospital, helping out with surgeries and delivering babies and such. I'll get a real taste of what God is calling me to.

I'm scared that I won't get good recommendations from the science department, but I stayed afterwards and talked to the team leaders about my past experiences (I've been to Africa twice and can shoot/edit video, which they could really use). I totally think I have a shot at getting in, being the only one of those who showed up who has actually been to Africa before.

And if I go there, I get to go to Europe afterwards. And who in their right mind doesn't want to go to Europe, given the chance. Even if only for a few days, I'm excited. And I might be just a lil' tempted to go to Ireland again, but go somewhere I didn't go to much before, like the Northern Coast, or somewhere brand new, like everywhere besides Belfast.

I just need a fun traveling buddy.

Tomorrow Is Thursday

My favorite day of the week has always been Tuesday. I remember coming to this decision when I had violin lessons Tuesday nights. Mondays, of course, are when everyone is tired from staying up late over the weekend. Wednesday nights had youth group, but they were busy and I was always up late doing things. Thursday nights, I didn't do much, and the weekends tended to be unpredictable. But Tuesday nights always seemed like the eye of the storm, when I had the chance to catch my breath after two days of school.

Now, I think Thursday might be the (temporarily) new Tuesday. I get to sleep on Thursday mornings and the only concentration for the day is being ready to worship God for an intense hour of singing.

Hittin' Up The Gym

Working out totally hit the spot. It was only a half hour of a lil' running and pumpin' ye olde guns, but it felt awfully nice. You tend to forget how complex the cardiovascular system is until you do a bicep curl and every vessel in your arm is like "WAIT, IS THIS MY JOB?" and they can't seem to take the hint that it's supposed to be an only-muscle event. Really awkward for all anatomical systems involved.

Emulating YouTube Unpopulars

Watching YouTube videos late at night makes me want to try doing the old-fashioned talk-to-the-camera-style vlog again and challenge myself to edit it to the point where it's actually good. Some of the guys are just so funny and insecure. I could totally pull that off.

Pump These Guns

I feel like I've been getting too moody as of late. That could be blamed on lots of things, but the main urge I'm feeling is to start working out. I know, I know, it seems like the opposite of my favorite thing, which is to sleep, but I think my body wants me to work out, as do the ladies.

Also, it isn't healthy for me to use hypermobile joints to my advantage if I don't have a layer of muscle around them to support what they do. Muscle pain is much smarter than joint pain.

Judging Close Friends

It's really easy for me to trick myself into thinking I don't have very close friends. My problem is that I tend to make it a policy to be as honest as I can when people ask me something. Granted, "How are you?" gets short answers that tend towards repetition, but that's only 'cause 'dupid America thinks that it's a greeting rather than a real question.

Anyway, because of that honesty habit, I tend to go without noticing when someone is confiding in me much more than in others. So when people are open and honest with me, I tend to think of it as normal rather than exceptional, and I assume a less-than-deep friendship.

I only tend to know that a friendship is deeper if the friend happens to tell me something to the effect of, "hey, you're one of my top brosies."

All of It

One thing to note about giving things to God that I find important is knowing when to put people before homework. My roommate spent an hour tonight trying to kill a bug, and I was laughing and poking fun at him about it the whole time. He got incredibly stressed out because of the bug and my reaction to the situation. After he finally killed it, he accused me of trying to make him mad. I told him that some things aren't that big of a deal, so I reacted in a perfectly normal way.

We ended up talking it out to find that the big issue is that he was letting things stress him out, rather than giving it to God. In my opinion, the thing most Christians miss out on is giving the little things to God. You can give Him your life, but that's difficult to narrow down.

"Give God the bug in your life, whether it be a bug, a test, or a roommate."

He hates my sarcasm and his reactions to it are priceless.

Oh wait, the point of this blog. I gave an hour and a half to helping him deal with the situation. God made good happen despite both of us. And now I'm going to give Him the homework I finished and the homework I didn't, the time utilized and the time wasted. 'Cause all of it belongs to Him. And He's gonna make good on His end whenever the consequences come for this late night with minimal "productivity." 'Cause He's the faithful type.

I was so preoccupied with having a crush

That I forgot the joys of flirting with strangers. They experience discomfort, which puts me at ease.

Oh Right

The age-old lesson I forget when I'm being 'dupid. Give it to God. All of it. Don't say, "But I don't wanna expose myself that much!"God can freakin' see everything. He knows. And unless He tells you to speak to others about it, it's not that hard to give things up to Him kinda silently. He sometimes aims for that still, small voice idea.

But really, submit it, whatever "it" is for you, to God. Any and every it should be given to Him before you try pulling your own crap.

All For Him

I know it's the simplest thing, but I just need to go back to why I was a Christian in the first place: to get to know God. Even now, I find myself trying less hard to excel in my studies and relationships, all because I'm not doing it for anyone. I lose my drive. When I do well, the reason I do so is because I'm doing it to dig deeper into God and get to know His will, and why it's His will. If my drive comes from people or a feeling of achievement, I'm doing something terribly wrong: I'm ignoring God. If He is the reason for what I do, what I do will bear fruit and make good things happen, both to me and to everyone around me.

In Reference To My Crazy People Blog

...And sometimes, admittedly, I'm the crazy one, going against all logic and wisdom to claim that I don't have real friends, anything to show for myself, or a reason to do well. Of course, I have to try to ignore God to think this way. DOESN'T WORK, yet here I am.

Everything Is Funny

Today, I was told something that brought back a host of memories from when I was first learning the wonders of humor. "Your joke wasn't funny" was the sentence which brought back what my brother would tell me all those years back, "You aren't funny."

My very first memory doesn't come with a face or a picture. I simply remember hearing someone laugh at something I said, and I discovered the feeling of inspiring laughter in a person. After I felt that, I aspired to make people laugh more, and began learning the art of humor.

My siblings always told me I wasn't funny. That's why, when I may have tried to have sibling bonding time, I never tried, 'cause I didn't trust them or their judgement. When bigger issues came up, I was never able to trust them because they gave me the advice to give up on humor.

That may seem a bit far, but I love humor. I don't know how to interact with the world without sarcasm. That's why I would practice being funny away from my family, at school and church, and I kept quiet at home and resented my brothers for their opinion on humor.

But if there's one thing I've learned about myself, it's that if I'm told I'm not something or cannot be something, I'm likely to decide that I'm perfectly capable of such. Katie Williams once told me (and apologized when I told her the story), "Some people just aren't meant to sing" in reference to my own abilities.

Anyway, the simple "Your joke wasn't funny" rekindled a world of rejection from my brothers and my own philosophy I had developed as a result. Everything is funny. The usual problem with humor is the recipient, not the joke. Somewhere, in some context, everything is funny. Tom Kenny, the voice of Spongebob Squarepants, has said something similar in saying that everything has the potential to be funny. Everything.

The Power Of Belief

I love that I have worship class the day I find out that I got the worst grade of all my Organic Chemistry class. "You make beautiful things out of dust/us" came into my mind as the professor announced what the highest and lowest grades were.

And I talked to the professor after the class, and instead of saying what so many professors have said in the past, like "You won't make it to medical school with this kind of grade" or whatever, he said, "Don't let this faze you. I'm still believing that you'll pull out of this class with a minimum of an A-."

Belief, whether people believing in you, or you believing in God, makes things possible that are otherwise impossible. I'll do better in that class now. Just watch me.

'Dupid Friends

I feel like this schoolyear mostly consists of me remembering important lessons I knew back in high school.

There are a few categories of friends. One is that acquaintance you talk to at dinner or in passing, or only in class. Another is that peer who's right there with you, dealing with everything you are at a similar pace. Then there are those who are ahead of you. That last group is made up of the people you need to try to spend the most time with because they won't be able to make much time for you. The peer ones are the ones you have the most chance to get close to and that you will learn from through living life with them.

Here's the thing; lately I've been doing things right with God. Like, better than in a long time. With that comes the shockingly unpleasant realization that I've joined that vast minority of people who listens to the voice of wisdom and God, and then obeys. It stinks, 'cause some friend groups are just plain frustrating. Some of my friends know how incredibly stupid it is to do things, yet they do it. Like, blatantly obvious simple stupidities and they just do them. Knowingly.

I hope God leads me to an Irish girl who can listen to sense and then comply. I'm not convinced that such a girl exists, but if there is such a human, that's the kind I'd want to be around on a permanent basis.

Thursday

Thursday is my day of the week to be spiritual, artsy, and everything I feel excluded from by being in my major. I have one class, Worship Ensemble, at 2:45 in the afternoon. Since it's worship, all I do is come prepared to worship God (on key), and hang out with ridiculously gifted musicians.

Because it's worship leading, I feel accountable to be spiritually sound while I do it, so it disciplines me to make sure God and I are square.

And besides that, I try to hang out with people and pitch in with whatever ministry stuff my friends are involved in.

I only wish that I had more Thursdays in my life.

Oh Glee

Oh Glee, your latest episode was ever so good.

The character of Mike Chang, the singing, dancing, genius Asian, is a rolemodel for half-African caucasian males like yours truly. If only I could dance like him.
And the talk of gingers in the episode, what with ginger racism and all. So good.
And the cover of "Fix You" by Coldplay.
Lastly, the real emotions in the episode. I just miss Glee being this good. It's why I watched it in the beginning.

Confession

I have way more respect for artists than for, you know, the alternative. In labs, sometimes someone will make an offhand comment about how difficult Biology or Chemistry is, and how it would be so much easier to be one of the artsy majors.

For the most part, I hold in how wrong I think they are. All my major takes is hard work. Art comes from within yourself. You can be spiritually, emotionally, and physically messed up and still excel in science and math, but with art, all of that will drastically affect your work.

Saying No/Distant Fondness

So with my schedule, I've begun to realize that I am having to say "no" to everything I've wished I had the opportunity to say "yes" to for the past two years of college. I've wanted to be involved in leadership with ministries, and now all my friends are in charge, and I've become a good student who says "no" when I have too much to do. I'm having to choose between things like the Talent Show and Men's Ministry, and I'm opting for the Talent Show because I honestly think I'll have more opportunity to utilize the skills I learn there when I'm doing ministry in the future. After all, a one-man show can be exactly what you need to get people to listen when you talk about Jesus.

I was so ready before. I mean, I thought I was. But now that I'm actually capable, not going through transition anymore, I am too busy to do what I always wanted to.


That brings me to another point. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. I knew it was true back when my oldest brother first went off to college, and he was the favorite sibling upon his return. And I was a favorite upon my return as well. Now I'm having to be a recluse in my room, and I'm thinking so left-brained, I'm afraid that I'll stop being quirky and awkward and turn into a human, and that I won't be able to hang out with friends, and even when I do, that they won't really know me much or prefer my company because they only get so many flashes of limited impressions I give them as I pop out of my dorm once in awhile.

But then I remembered that I tend to get quirky when I go into public after prolonged seclusion. And that those limited impressions will make people want to see more of me. It'll be a privilege to be around me. I've had friends like that before, who I hardly ever had a chance to speak to, but when I did, it was always an exceptional privilege worth working my schedule around.

Working Ahead

Being the woolly mammoth I am, I have to shave so often it's borderline ridiculous. So my thought is this: maybe this year, the mustache-goatee combo will stay. I have a great rolemodel in Johnny Depp, who pulls it off ever so well. He and Jafar both inspire me. I can't wait for No-Shave November.

Oh the Irish

Our speaker in chapel today was one of the leaders of Irish study abroad trips, the only authentically Irish one among them. Listening to him talk for half an hour was enough to make me remember why I miss Ireland so much. The redheads everywhere, the accents, the humor, just the feel of the place. Ah, I want to be there now. Snow Patrol can only take me so far. I just need to find a redheaded Irish-accented lass to travel about with me.

I have a weakness for redheads and accents. While I was studying abroad in Italy, one of our translators had a strong Scottish accent, and I had a crush on her for about a week before I stopped myself. And she wasn't very attractive either. That accent just reels me in.

The Cross=Perfect Example of Love

A friend of mine, Jordan Weeks, just unofficially (but soon officially) dropped out of school partially because he thinks God gave him a big prophetic word, and partly because he thinks his major is stupid and he doesn't care about it.

Here's the thing; his parents aren't going to be okay with this. And he's not willing to deal with that. He has kind of a rebellious high schooler perspective on the idea of respecting your parents. After having dinner with the three of them, I realized that he feels kinda suppressed by them, and he doesn't think they can understand how he thinks or what he's doing.

As for his big revelation, he spends a lot of it dealing with love as an abstract idea, and since he doesn't think of the Bible as a baseline standard upon which everything else should be based, I wasn't really able to offer opinions or advice. I mean, my reading today in 1 John basically just said over and over that Jesus/God is love. That if we wanted a picture of love, all we had to look at was Jesus on the cross. And no further.

Jordan Weeks is quite possibly the most talented person I know, who is likely to waste much of what he has if he doesn't get the Bible as a baseline of truth. I suppose he'll switch religions if he doesn't. What a thing to  think.

In another part of my life, the crush tried to make a comeback. And I seriously considered the idea of considering the idea of trying to date. Then I asked God if He was okay with that, then realized that God wasn't the one who initially pushed me in that direction and guided me through. If He isn't in charge, I'm gonna screw it up (and I probably will anyway). I need to follow His direction.

Impractical?

I might be procrastinating here, but really, who wants to study for an Organic Chemistry test? Not I.

I'm beginning to wonder (at this very moment, 'cause I had to think of something to wonder about in order to keep procrastinating) whether it would be completely impractical for me to consider dating before medical school. I mean, I'm aiming for the Caribbean, but I could end up in the US too. Residency will also be in the US. So that means six more years till I'm done with schooling, and eight more till I get to work "for real." It makes me think that a girlfriend just wouldn't be a clever decision. It's why I honestly don't get past the initial thought to actually bothering to ask God if He's into the idea. But perhaps it'd be wise to talk it over with Him, considering that He does tend to be the Lord God Almighty, infinite in wisdom and power and love.

Having gone through my few 21 years without dating, I'm starting to notice my friends getting engaged. No pressure, but it'd be nice to try dating. I'd want to do the fun dating too, where I'm not "courting", but I am secretly planning to marry the individual. That'll get 'em.

Freakin' Left-Brained

So, being a good student this year is changing things for me. Instead of constantly yearning to be creative and right-brained, I'm allowing myself to settle into left-brained activity a lil' more, which is weird to get used to. I didn't notice much of a difference at first, but now I feel like I'm losing quirks 'cause I'm so purposeful about things. I used to do a few things with a purposeful lack of purpose, but those are kinda drifting off, and I'm feeling human. Granted, humans are great. But I'm not really feeling as much like my old self in the fun ways as I wish I was. Instead, I feel like I'm only regaining my work ethic. Really healthy, right?

I just want to write poetry and edit videos for the rest of my life, and maybe not take an Organic Chemistry test tomorrow. But I suppose we all want crap like that.

Also, just because you stop having feelings for a crush doesn't mean that you stop having the thoughts. It's annoying.

Never For Attention

It flies in the face of everything I've ever believed in, but tonight, I did something ridiculous. I left a dance party while it was in full swing.

EDIT

I went back. And I learned a lesson which I had apparently (and sadly) forgotten. I used to be the life of the party (but in a Christian way), and I was confused as to why this did not appear to be the case tonight. Then it dawned on me. I was doing it for attention. One of my fundamental rules of constantly adopting quirks and acting strange is that I must never, ever do so for attention; instead, I must get lost in the dance. After remembering this, I did get lost in the dance, if only briefly, and it scratched that itch I hadn't noticed was creepin' all over me.

The difference between loudly quirky and obnoxious is that obnoxious people do it for attention. Granted, I made up the different definitions, but somehow I can find a way to live with that.

In other news, WHY AM I, ONCE AGAIN, THE ONLY ONE IN MY WORLD WHO KNOWS COMMON SENSE AND IS ABLE TO LISTEN TO IT???