Days Later...

Well the knots in my shoulders are still there, but at least the continuous tension that led to their development has faded since that exam. I do not know how I did on that 9-hour exam, but I sure did not enjoy it or feel great while taking it.

I knew that I needed some form of relief as well as encouragement, so after recuperating for the weekend, I drove to Arkansas. A good friend of mine is in his last year of residency and is planning to get me a spot here if I can pass exams, so I am staying at his place.

I am currently sitting in my undergrad university's small town popular coffee shop, wondering about how this second home of mine has changed, wondering if, in my desire to return to living in this place, I have pursued an objective that is rooted too thoroughly in the memories and experiences of college rather than in a legitimate approach to my own future enjoyment of life. I mean, I do expect that it would be preferable to live here rather than the town that has claimed so many years of my life, but I should still probably refrain from idealizing it overmuch.

I saw the latest Spider-Man movie on the day before that exam. A whole overarching plot of that movie was that he had a crush on a girl, and wanted to put his overwhelming responsibilities to the side in order to do something about it. Eventually, their closer interactions were a help to beating the bad guys rather than being a hindrance, and the movie ended nicely in that regard. Given that the test was to come the day after watching it, I chose to let myself hold onto some hopefulness there. Maybe it is not too late for me...

At this point, I should be working on my residency applications, but that is proving to be a difficult task. Perhaps after several drinks this evening...

The Day Before The Exam

Ah, the day before the exam that decides so, so very much. A call from my chief resident friend the other day consisted mostly of us both agreeing that I should really try to pass this test. If I do, he is pretty sure that he can get me a residency position. And that would be lovely. However, I am just unsure about tomorrow's exam.

On the other hand, I am so very ready to be done with heavy studying for a period of time. Even imagining 2-3 weeks of no hardcore studying... the knots in my shoulders cannot even contemplate that. And yet, that will happen tomorrow. And then a whole week and a half before I start my neurology rotation where I used to work. Finally, a chance to pay them to work.

So today is the odd balance between trying to read over the review sheets I made for myself and just trying to make myself relax enough to do well tomorrow. This test is annoying in that I feel as if the biggest contributor to getting questions wrong is just in the way that you are thinking, as opposed to being unable to recall a given answer. The answer is often there if you can connect the right neurons together.

Failed CS

Feeling pretty despondent. Learned this morning that I failed my Step 2 CS exam, the one in which 2/3 of the grade is based on being nice and speaking English. Unfortunately, failing any third of that exam means failing the whole thing, and I was apparently remarkably awful at the clinical third of the exam. My notes, including diagnoses, must have just been absolute trash. For a couple of them, I get it, but it seems like a harsh grade compared to what I had heard of the exam.

I am trying to just focus on studying but it honestly just pisses me off. Not how they graded, because whatever, I fail everything, but how I am not made for this. This whole medical thing is not a good fit for me. I am not good enough at it and furthermore, I am good at other things. I could have been an actor, producer, director, writer, but no, I abandoned all of that because God said to go after this medicine thing. And I grew to like it, but you know what? Right now, I hate it. It sucks that I fail the easiest standardized exam of the whole thing, and that I will probably fail next week's exam. That's $1k per exam + travel/lodging, and for what? So that I can be dissatisfied with it and wishing to participate in more creative ventures? So I can compromise my values and become more and more selfish and lose connections with dear friends?

And guess what? If I manage to pass these stupid exams, my reward is to ask residencies to consider hiring me into the most stressful time of my life, three years of intense training with crazy hours.

I just want to be dead. I do not even feel particularly depressed, just frustrated and angry. I study for months to be better and my scores do not consistently improve. I have little in the way of a social life. I just...

At this point, I just want to run away. I just want to go explore another part of the world and avoid this. Years of work, of developing depressive symptoms, of my youth, of huge creative potential that will never be realized because God told me to do something that He neglected to design me to accomplish. It is almost as if He thought "hey, let's give this guy everything he needs to accomplish great things for me, and then tell him to do something that does not fall into any of his talents."

So I guess I will try to study today since the more critical test is next week. Scored okay on a practice test last night... Just have to score slightly better than okay on the real one in order to pass... Ugh.

Was Paul Wrong in 1 Corinthians 5?

Feeling a tad better today. Unless a social event intervenes, I think that I will go back to working out every other day, since I apparently have renewed need for an antidepressant. And it will get in the way of social events because the temperature reaches 100 degrees Fahrenheit, so prime time to go jogging is around 7 or 8 PM.

Two weeks from today will be my last official big day of studying. So now the focus has turned from trying to study everything to trying to study the shelf exam quizlets, in large part because I had to do the same thing for my shelf exams after the usual practice test questions became too difficult, specific, and discouraging.

I was reading 1 Corinthians 5 today and I found myself disagreeing with the Apostle Paul. He talked about expelling from one's company those who are practicing sexual immorality, and the basis for the argument seemed to be that it would undermine the message that Christians profess. However, I would contest that this is the very criticism which Jesus received, that He spent all of his time in the company of drunkards and prostitutes. Furthermore, in my experience, being friendly and nonjudgmental of slutty friends allowed me the privilege of speaking God's truth into their lives much more once they finally recognized the lack of fulfillment brought on by that manner of living.

This really has been an issue for me lately, the question of whether certain mannerisms and traditions in the Bible, even in the New Testament, are practical, either in the sense of normal living or in the sense of effective ministry. I try to always show love to friends regardless of my perception of their soul's state regarding salvation or the sinful life through which they seem to wade, and from what I have been able to ascertain, they appreciate me and my approach.

Though the Apostle Paul certainly painted a beautiful understanding of theology and the intertwined significance of the Old and New Testaments in relation to Jesus Christ, I cannot help but feel as if some of his approach is what brought about the legalism in Christianity which sometimes may not agree with the approach that Jesus utilized during his ministry.

After all, would the Apostle Paul have approved of Jesus keeping the company of drunkards and prostitutes, thereby acquiring a poorer reputation through affiliation?

Feels Like Failure

Today, I feel as if I am going to fail. I wanted to get out and do something this weekend but friends were busy and plans fell through. So I have the major issue of no real days off, no relief from the stress, which means that I do not come back to a new day of studying feeling refreshed. I have been focusing more on writing for the podcast, primarily because at this point, I think I can make it better, and I do not have that feeling regarding my test scores. I am good at only a few things in life, and science is not one of them.

I just feel awful, like I am a failure and that that failure is inevitable. And that sucks because this is the last of it; like, I am so close to being done. If I cannot pass this test in a couple weeks, I will have to try to take it while doing rotations this fall. And there is a pretty good chance that I will not get interviews.

You would think that being in the States would mean that I have all kinds of access to fun activities on days off, but I just run short. I used to be able to go to karaoke with that one girl, but although I think I dealt with everything, I do not want to risk the chance of an interaction with her leading to something being triggered. It sounds dumb to me, and some of me says to just get over it, but it really was brutal last time. In any case, I plan to hang out with her again after I finish with the exam.

I just have to push through and try to give it to God. All of the doubts, insecurities, lack of breaks, inefficient use of time, distractions, my faults, the habits, all that I can manage to give up.