Still Waiting to Hear Back

I sent that email to my old manager in Burbank two weeks ago and have yet to hear back. I called this past Friday to inquire whether a lack of response implies a lack of interest, but the woman who answered assured me that I should "give him time", that my old manager had been out of the office. In light of this, I have begun to think in terms of what forms of employment would work well with a venture back into the entertainment industry. I have begun applying for remote part time and contract jobs, with the hope that I could pay my way through a trip to Los Angeles, and, though this may be a more far-fetched dream, finding something that could pay for basic life and rent as I live in LA. Surely my doctorate should do something for me in that world!

For now though, I continue with what I already have. This week's episode of the podcast is a particularly good one, and we guested on another one in the same week with what felt like one of our funniest appearances yet. Before I left for Scotland, I prepared for what I rightfully expected to be a decent amount of hiking and other activities requiring physical fitness by working out nearly every day to some degree. I am endeavoring to get back to these habits, and this aspiration is further spurred forward with every glance at the mirror when I do not see the six-pack that had previously dominated my abdomen. Somewhat related, I visited a chiropractor with a groupon and though we agreed that the X-rays did not display full-blown scoliosis in my thoracic spine, there was certainly a noticeable abnormality in terms of just how squiggly my spinal column has become. I would still diagnose it as mild scoliosis. So I am now trying to be more conscientious in how I stand, walk, sit, and work out.

Checking for Opportunities in a Land Once Known

After receiving feedback ranging from no response to a decline when submitting some job applications, I decided on Monday to call my old manager in Burbank. They had me send them my info, so I did, and that combined with the spring weather has me dreaming of acting while living in Los Angeles again. I called my manager up again yesterday to ask what to expect or where to go from here, and they told me that they would have Terrance call me. Terrance is fortunately the main guy, the only name that I remember, and whose house I remember visiting numerous times as a child actor.

I am of course conflicted about such a concept. How could I not be? I spent so many years earning my doctorate in medicine that to consider doing anything besides practicing medicine feels like a betrayal of that education. But I have been trying to be more honest with myself about these things. For one thing, these may be my last years with youth and looks to assist me in my approach to Hollywood, whereas medicine will still be there in 20 years. For another, a lot of people have done well on all of their exams and are competing for the same spot that I will want, whereas I have done poorly on exams and would be reliant on charisma to carry me. That is not necessarily a bad thing since I do tend to be clinically proficient, but it is worth considering. To some extent I want to recognize that they may be better candidates for clinical medicine, and I for the entertainment industry, though hopefully I would have opportunities to apply medical and clinical acumen to such a place, not to mention ethics and morals.

Acting was the dream before the dream. Of course I want to go to the people who have nothing and provide healthcare, to war-torn Yemen or Syria or Ukraine and give aid, to meet the need where it is most earnestly required. But before I had these ideas, I wanted to act, to find within myself the voices and aspirations of a character, then become the vessel through which these concepts are portrayed. Or as my oldest brother would call it, become a professional liar. Perhaps it is my ego talking, but that sounds like bad acting to me. I have always been divided inside, and acting is a chance to safely increase the volume of one of those dissenting opinions, to give it a context in which to make itself known.

Maybe next week will hold something new for me in terms of opportunity. Or maybe not. I just need my current circumstances to change.

The Most Dangerous Game of All... Job

 After recovering from Covid-19, I spent a few days drinking too much, then got back into my daily workout routine and did not drink at all. Then drank to excess last night... 

The completion of that trip to Scotland was my deadline for figuring out life. And I did overcome the most difficult internal challenge of coming to terms with both where I have been and where I am now. I have failed in certain respects, and that cannot be helped. So many times did I pray throughout my education, telling God that I agreed with everyone else's assessments that I am not a good fit for medicine, for becoming a scientist. But I felt that He told me to press on, and so I did, using the hope of one day helping the less fortunate as a future reward for the sacrifices that I made in the present. So press on I did. That pressure led me to this place of wondering whether I obtained that medical degree just for the sake of a title, or for a more conventional intended purpose. Thus do I find myself job hunting while in the odd place of being overqualified for many jobs, yet not quite qualified or experienced enough for others.

I just spent the past few hours applying for a few research jobs in Dallas and Houston, realizing that I need to find something. Since I know that I am not guaranteed to find a job in medicine, I also intend to try acting again. Because I believe that I still have talent there, and frankly, I do still miss it. At this point, I will not consider it a matter of choosing between my education and my suppressed goals. Rather, it is a hobby that I enjoy and that could pay at a time when my more professional pursuits may not. Keeping my eggs in multiple baskets is the way forward, but most importantly, moving forward is the path forward. Doing something other than getting drunk at my mother's house is the goal. The pandemic may not be over, but it is at the point that it is no longer reasonable to hide away at home in order to protect my community.