(Nevermind. Humans make me happy and I've been hanging out with not those.)

This is weird. I've been working out but I'm still having negative feelings. I just wish I could be martyred sooner than later.

Bad Things

I pretended to be drunk at a party and now people think I was drunk at a party.

Thernkseng

I feel like I'm sacrificing awesome personality for the sake of school. Maybe this gap year is here so I can work on that, on THINKING again. If school and grades have taught me anything, it's that being a good student = not learning.

Transtritshuns

Soon, I'm going to have to go through transition again. I've learned a lot about myself in the last year (which I won't go over until I do my senior reflections), but a lot of what I've learned is how little I understand myself and the world around me. Since I had a much more confident and affirmative viewpoint going into college, I don't know what transition will be like now. It took me far too long to transition to college, and now I don't want to leave.

I look to younger me for guidance still. He was raised well and invested his time in the best of ways. I am reaping the benefits of that part of my youth...
Whatever point I was making, I now feel #naptime competing with it. Sleepy time.

Soon. Everything.

Two weeks and two days until I'm done with my Finals.
Two weeks and six days until I graduate from John Brown University with a bachelor's degree in Biology.
Two weeks and three days until I can begin applying to medical school.
Two months and six days until I take the MCAT.

UUUUGGGHHHH

My faith terrifies me. I can't stand that I believe in a God who is so righteous that many of my friends are currently headed towards hell, that the acts of homosexuality are sinful (so that my gay friends have to knowingly live in sin or change the way they believe), and that many issues that I would prefer to treat as small things are kinda huge, because I serve Jesus and there's no changing my belief in Him and what He says.

Fortunately, I'm called to love, not judge. But still, being a Christian can be an awful thing 'cause God blesses me SO MUCH and I have to watch other people drift away or be born into a different environment or something, and they're goners as a result. I can't stand how unfair it is that I get to have so many privileges that other people don't have. This includes financially. It's stupid that I get to go to a prestigious school and not really become a good student until my last year and a half here, and probably not have to take out loans until MAYBE I'm a couple years into medical school. I mean HOW STUPID IS IT THAT I GET TO BE SO BLESSED!?!? It's even worse when I think about the places I've been privileged to visit, the poverty I've witnessed. I visited the second largest slum in the world, in Kenya, and it was devastating. And here I am, eating my prizza in my blanketfort because I was too lazy to go and buy more groceries tonight. Not to mention that senioritis is hitting me now, so all my talk about working hard for the sake of saving future lives looks pretty hypocritical. Just been reading Game of Thrones all day.

I get annoyed at blessings 'cause other people obviously deserve them more than I do. I'm young and foolish and certainly not worthy of such. Ugh.

Why You Are Still Single

Most of my good ideas aren't really mine; rather, they're from past-me, the best me there ever was. Granted, current me is pretty good, but you can never top the wisdom of a young person whose sole focus was an unjumbled and uncomplicated view of God.

One piece of wisdom from past-me is that there's one real definite definable reason why you are still single. You are single because you, as you currently are, are not the person for your future spouse yet. And neither is your future spouse. Your future spouse is also not perfect for you yet. She/he is currently dealing with issues that, frankly, would probably trip the two of you up. And guess what? You are dealing with similar issues. Or maybe you aren't dealing with anything at all, and that's the problem.

The point is, if you're single, you haven't met your future spouse because your future spouse doesn't exist yet. It could be what your best friend turns into, or what some Irish or French woman turns into (my hope). Trust in God and keep letting Him shape and form you, and let the sucky lonely times be sucky, but don't go thinking that you're missing out on something. That something is being molded into a hot-bodied perfection even as you read this.

No Reflection Time = Crappy Human

Here's a problem I've made for myself. In the past, before I became the good student that I am now, I had a mental checklist of things to do if I found myself feeling "off" and in a weird mood. I would write out my problems, have quiet time, have God time, read my Bible, or take a nap. However, with the help of a some newer things (working out and social drinking to name a few), I found that I rarely find myself in such moods. In fact, such moods occur so rarely that I consequently rarely bother to write, have quiet time, or even make much time for God time. I do read my Bible and pray every day, but that is because it was built into my routine.

Anyway, I have recently found myself in social situations (this is new) after having my head in books all the time. These few but very concentrated social situations, with people I have spent very little time around in the recent past, have forced me to confront a few things, the most important being the lessons I have been learning lately and what God is doing in me. Naturally, I found my answers to be lacking. After all, I don't take time to reflect 'cause that is time and (more importantly) effort taken away from being better at school. Because I don't reflect, I don't learn about myself. Because I don't learn myself, I become a worse person. My character suffers. I am always seeking to improve myself. Most of what I see are flaws. Not in a bad way, but in such a way that I see something to work on, and then I do it (and God through me), and suddenly there is a part of me that's now fixed.

And now, I've already spent too much time on here. I have to study for a Virology test. I bid you fair folks adieu (KIDDING! "Adieu" is a term for an indefinitely lengthy farewell, and it won't be long till I come crawling back).