A Self-Centered Folk

 So, in February, we went on a cruise. We did this just as the news was hitting that some cruise ships were filled to the brim with Covid-19, but it was just before the most dangerous time. My sister, who I had long suspected of having some sort of personality disorder, was rooming with a friend of my mom's, who just so happens to have a master's degree in psychology. We both got along well due to our mutual love of alcohol, and so at one point she asked me what I thought my sister had. I said borderline personality disorder, owing largely to her dysfunctional relationships and apparent fondness for the immature defense mechanism of splitting (look it up). That friend responded by saying that a certain variety of narcissistic personality disorder can present similarly to borderline, and this is what she thought my sister had. I of course defer to the one who is more of an expert in such a field.

Then I remember my grandmother on my mother's side, who is similarly very, in polite terms, self-oriented. And I remember my aunt on my father's side, a notably narcissistic person. And I realize that despite whatever I have become, I bear in my genetics a significant risk for passing on this horrific personality disorder. I try very, very hard to remain empathetic. My closest friends are close primarily for this aspect of their personalities, that they are highly empathetic, and this empathy translates into their humor and art. Somehow, I came out somewhat balanced in this regard. However, I recognize in myself these narcissistic tendencies, and my own inclination towards undervaluing those around me even as I elevate my own self-worth. I know that I have empathy beyond that of those who are burdened with a narcissistic personality disorder, but what I do not know, in large part because of the few studies conducted regarding the matter, is the risk of my potential future progeny becoming burdened with such a disorder. Currently, if I inherited millions of dollars, there are not many family members upon whom I would wish to bestow such wealth. I know others who would use the money more wisely and to help more people in need, and not all of those friends are Christian. In fact, few are.

Maybe I will eventually date. But even without the prevailing certainty of climate change wrecking the possibility of a habitable world for generations to come, I am concerned that my potential progeny may be destined to become the very worst of what this world can expect from humanity. We have seen what that looks like in the highest position of power, and in my perception, it does not bear repetition. This is surely a conversation to have with the future significant other, should she ever materialize, but as it stands, I do not trust my bloodline. We are a self-centered folk, and I dislike us.

Doctoral Recognition

 I find myself well into one of many relatively fruitless study days. What marks this day as more unusual is that I had a long dream that involved fairly stressful parts, and I unfortunately remember those portions well. The setting was my own wedding, though more in the backstage conversing with family and friends that you rarely see rather than any focus on, say, finding happiness in creating a lasting bond with a significant other. It involved my oldest brother once again denying that I am a doctor, and my sputtering a flabbergasted response about his jealousy. Maybe it was because of that recent WSJ article in which the author said that Dr. Jill Biden should drop the doctor title when she takes up her role as First Lady. With the knowledge of how much work goes into a doctoral degree, it is difficult to fathom such a horrific "take" on such a thing. In any case, this denial and my inability to articulate a response in the moment of the dream, left me feeling, well, I am not sure of the word. Disturbed? Taken aback? Incredulous?

To be clear, I have previously been the first to poke fun at both my medical doctoral ambitions, and then at such an achievement once I reached it. But just as with racism, homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, conspiracy theories, and a myriad of other such issues in our society, the jokes can only be made when everyone has an established understanding of a baseline reality. Sometimes it can be difficult to keep up with some of these things, particularly in the LGBTQ community, but continuing to learn is part of staying relevant.

I am the first doctor of my family, and the second of my siblings to receive a bachelor's degree. The closest match was my oldest brother, who majored in economics and minored in both philosophy and music. My mother has a marketing degree and my dad has told me that his education as a CPA is equivalent to a masters. My mother has had the appropriate response for such an achievement on my part, and in anticipation of it. The focus was on me at Christmas last year for what was to come, and then we all went for drinks when the diploma finally arrived. Immense pride. But every other person in the family seems to just not understand. When I think of the smartest people in the world, I have always thought of doctors. But this is reality, and I am likely not alone in facing such a lack of recognition in this age of conspiracies, when my clinical knowledge is, for the first time, pretty relevant in daily life.

I am a middle child, so I know what it is like for achievements to go unnoticed. That does not bother me so much. What bothers me is when my achievements are specifically denied. Though I recognize that this comes from a place of insecure jealousy, it obviously still manages to bother me to the point that it gives me stress dreams.

Hopefully writing it out helps me to get it out of my head and subconscious, and onto this blog. After all, I have future lives to save. On that topic, I ran across a scene from a Marvel movie the other day in which Spider-Man was first being introduced into the MCU, and he said one of the more inspiring things. "When you can do the things that I can do, and the bad things happen, they happen because of you." So I have to try to punch my brain into remembering that whatever limits, whatever shortcomings I have had with studying thus far, I need to do better because I can be the change if I apply myself.

On Writing & Reflecting

Well, I admit that I have not been taking the time out to reflect, meditate, nor pray. I have just felt so trapped here. When I lived on an island, I could clearly see the borders of my world where the ocean waters lapped at the shore, but here, it often feels even more constricted. A trip to the grocery store, to see other people, is a risk to one's life and health, and then to others that I encounter afterward. I cannot go to a coffee shop to sit, write, and recenter myself.

I live at my mom's house and she is currently in the middle of a trip to Florida to help my sister move back to the Dallas area. I am so aware of myself and others that I am always trying to make my presence as inconspicuous as possible, but with her gone, I am admittedly finally feeling free to play music out loud and do some coffee shop activities, such as writing this. I miss writing. Well, I miss writing to better myself; I am frequently writing for the podcast, so I am not altogether neglecting the activity. In any case, I recognized the need to renew the habit when I saw the end of the year making its approach. I do not recall whether I did it last year, but I traditionally write out my reflections from the year. Kids, this is how we grow, and I certainly do not wish to drop such a bettering habit as I am halfway into my thirtieth year.

The joy that I once found in my faith is daily being leached out by the proclamations made by those who claim to share the same faith, and I find myself shifting between feelings of anger at them, betrayal at what they have done to what I hold so dear, and hurt, because the hate that necessarily underlines their allegiance is surely destined to be aligned at me. My friends keep changing in lifestyles and beliefs, and my options are repeatedly to accept them with an asterisk, or to simply accept them. The latter allows me to more easily love in the way that I believe that Christ calls us to love, and so I default to this approach. Unfortunately, this appears to push me fairly directly against the tribe to which I formerly belonged. To call oneself an evangelical Christian at this point appears to be to associate oneself with racist homophobic bigots, and so I am seeking a new group that is anti- those things while still holding onto that saving grace theology that keeps me intact as the world twists and collapses in on itself.

Here's to writing slightly more. In my experience thus far, I would have to say that being the first doctor in the family is a terrible tortured choice and people should just go into comedy instead. That is certainly my favorite part about being alive right now. And worse, it is also the most fulfilling.

A Wee Pandemic'd Update

Well, I haven't blogged since summer, and that tracks. This pandemic does strange things to time. I officially received my doctoral diploma a few months ago, and on the same day, my podcast received some recognition from a major publication, Vulture. I was more excited about the Vulture mention, but being a doctor is nice too.

I applied over and over for my exam permit to retake the Step 2 exam. As of now, it has been roughly 11 months of trying to retake that test, and with graduating and calling in, the permit is expected to be approved within a week or two. I spent $900 applying to residencies, and this delay in the exam will likely cost me my chance at such an opportunity. No interview invitations even from residencies that like me...

Biden also won the election during this time, and Trump lost, but a significant amount of Republicans are trying to throw away the votes. Crazy times.

Also crazy, when my oldest brother told me that no studies have been done on the efficacy of N95 masks in their prevention of contracting or spreading Sars-Cov-2, I corrected him. I myself have read some of the studies, and it would take a truly stupid medical community to somehow avoid doing studies on their primary prophylaxis against the virus. He said "show me the studies" and I said "I don't have to show you anything, but trust me, I'm a doctor" to which he replied, "You aren't a doctor. You spent two years pretending to study and pass two tests." It was a similar reaction to my dad's in a few ways, this sudden insecurity in the face of being confronted with the concept that for all of your recognized brilliance in other areas of life, you had not put the time in to earn a doctorate in this field, and your ignorance shows. And rather than directly facing this ignorance and having the wisdom to recognize that there are those who know better, the preferred path apparently becomes a denial of reality, using one's increasing stupidity as a bludgeon against wisdom and knowledge simply because that wisdom and knowledge is what you lack.

I did not understand these situations at first. I had to ask my mother about it because I was so offended and confused by the reactions. Jealousy, insecurity, and fragile masculinity are the poisons that are currently causing the deaths of thousands of Americans, just as surely as this virus is causing a systemic inflammatory reaction in its victims.

It has made times tough. Aside from sending a holiday text here and there, I have not communicated with my dad since the beginning of summer when he made it abundantly clear that he would not compromise any aspect of his lifestyle for the sake of saving lives, nor for the pleasure of my company. So as a promising vaccine will become available to a select few any day now, family members continue to spout disinformation regarding its chemical makeup. At certain points, I feel obligated to correct them, but it is quite frustrating. A significant issue is that they will blow off the pandemic now, unlike in the beginning, because it is no longer a conspiracy theory. There is real data to back it up, rather than some secondhand questionable data from China, and that makes it somehow unreliable in their eyes comparatively.

On to another topic, my podcast. We are always improving, trying to change it up, and we recently did a livestream event with a sketch comedy house based in Los Angeles and were asked back within a few minutes of it ending. We just recorded an episode with the founder of an improv festival in Dublin who said that if we were ever visiting, he would try to get us some stage time. All amazing things to hear, and a nice world in which to feel validated. This of course was another area in which my oldest brother could have really made it, but he does not, so he minimizes my minor successes here as well. I suppose that it just seems strange to me that he pointedly views me as a "little brother" to the extent that a gain for me somehow means a loss for him. Grow up, kid.

Anyway, I also have not studied enough to do well on the exam and I do not think that I will be able to do so in time to take it, but all I can do is keep trying. A significant downside to this pandemic is that I cannot take breaks to go sing karaoke. I am also low on money, though I do have that vacation fund that I can break into if it comes to that... Oh, and that singing show? Renewed for a second season, but still limited to Southern California casting, so even though I am approved by the network, I do not get to be on national television with some of my comedy heroes.

Been feeling awful, even after a visit to my Arkansas doctor friend. I am still unable to study properly, but of course it is in the surprisingly deep moments of a comedy movie that I am made aware of what needs to happen...

I need to write about and confront all of these frustrations I have. To God, to this blog, and/or to whatever else. Everything has fallen through, that girl probably does not like me, and all the things I worked for seemed poised for failure.

Turning 30

Well, I turned 30. On the eve of that day, I began receiving birthday texts from some family members who had been causing me distress, and because of how awful and overwhelming life felt, I made quick plans to go meet one of my closest friends for some overnight camping in Oklahoma over that weekend. We sampled some $100 scotch and discussed social issues and theology over the campfire. It was a lovely time.

The following Monday, I had my best study day in months. I also sent an email to the school over the months-long issues I had been having and they finally replied with what sounds like a real solution. Then this weekend, I went to the lakehouse with my podcast friends and my sister. I had a little upset moment which everyone fortunately knew was due to all of this outside stress, but everyone was very apologetic about it, including myself. I also brought this kitten with me and it has been a hit.

But I am 30. Others see so much success, but what I see is failure on top of failure on top of failure. All of my plans fell through. Dreams crushed or postponed. I told a girl that I like her and based on subsequent texts, I do not think that the feeling is mutual. Fortunately though, we are still friends, which was the part about which I was most concerned.

Even as I am away from the norm at this lakehouse, just trying to relieve any of this stress through introspective study and the corresponding written expression of what I find therein, I just find myself wanting to find escape even from this. I thought this weekend would be a relief, but I still feel busy and exhausted. Though part of that is almost certainly because we were out in the sun today and then we recorded the podcast, and both types of activities can be very exhausting.

I keep on alternating between recounting how awful life is and then remembering how some things are turning around. Something that is tough but wise to bear in mind is that none of this is mine. The clothes on my back, the shoes on my feet, but also the breath in my lungs, the extra days I spend studying, the difficult conversations with family and friends, all of these are borrowed and I am just along for the ride as I try to live this life in obedience to Christ. Still though, I need to find a way to really get away. After all, I am meant to write out the major events and feelings which I have undergone in the last decade.

Rough Week

So I failed that test. And then on Memorial Day, some family members had me shaking with rage because of how blatantly they mocked the workers and myself for obeying the official guidelines to help mitigate the pandemic. This led me to confront my dad and stepmom at dinner a few days later. I dressed in my lab coat and tie and gave an impassioned plea on behalf of the 100,000 dead from this virus for them to obey the rules. They later texted further criticisms of me in reply. And then they went to church today without wearing masks, which is a very high risk situation, so I will not be having meals with them in the near future. With that in mind, we made arrangements for the grandkids to have dinner with grandpa on another day, which will hopefully solve these issues for the time being.

Then yesterday I went to visit with the girl I like. I helped her pack her bags to go back to San Antonio where she works, and we visited and talked about various things. I may have made myself look bad by also discussing these family issues a little bit. Then as she was packed up to leave, I told her that I love her as a friend but I also like her romantically, and then handed her an origami envelope with a note that, as I told her, hopefully set the right tone to not make things weird or awkward. The response did not seem particularly enthusiastic, so I am assuming a lack of mutual interest, which would be equally as terrifying to me as significant interest. That was in the afternoon, and that night she texted me just to let me know that we could talk later about the note.

My stomach was in knots and I just felt exhausted and anxious. I drank a bunch and went to bed and woke up feeling depressed, which was a relief compared to the anxiety that I had been feeling. For that of course, the cure is obvious, so I worked out. But instead of just going back inside or running an errand, I googled the nearest parks, and there is one which I had never visited nearby. I went there and just back as the lake water lapped against the shore, and finally tried to relax. How long had it been since I went out and just stopped? I am surprised that I had never done so before while living here, because everywhere else I have lived, I made sure to take time out like that.

In unrelated news, we recently acquired two kittens, and today my youngest sister got her poodle puppy. So far the puppy is fantastic due to how quiet and unmoving it is. And the kittens are fantastic because they are kittens and every thing and lack of thing is a toy for them.

Things COULD Be Looking Up

Yesterday, I took my final medical school exam. I should have taken it last summer, but I blew it off, not realizing that it may have the potential to solve many of my current academic issues. The test felt relatively easy, but who knows. They are supposed to let me know by Wednesday. If I do well enough, I get my medical degree, which will mean that I will actually be a doctor. One thing that that means is that I can drive to Arkansas and do an instructional video for my friend's business of online medical assistant training. Someone else writes the lesson and then I read it off with a teleprompter and it is a paid gig.

I am also two weeks and six days from turning 30, and am also hoping to convince the girl I like to go cave exploring and camping with me over that weekend. She seems open to the idea, but who knows. In any case, I currently intend to let her know at that point about my romantic feelings toward her.

I also just wrote a couple pages of a script for the pilot episode of the video version of my improvised comedy podcast. My mom's boyfriend has worked most every job involved in movie, tv, and commercial productions, and is sought after for his skills as an art director. And he seems open to helping us out. It was close to this time last year that I began feverishly obsessing about the podcast, so naturally I am obligated to seek out a chance to throw myself into work on another project that I think is brilliant but may never get the audience that I feel it deserves. But that is the way of art.

Fortunately, we have nearly a year of our podcast behind us to use as a guideline. This will hopefully translate into less work, but if we make it as good as I want to make it, it will probably take so much effort.

I am afraid to get my hopes up overmuch, because so many of my plans have been wrecked. The girl may not have mutual romantic feelings. The show may not happen, or may not be good, or may be too expensive to actually do as well as I want to do it. I may not have done well enough on that test to graduate, and so consequently I will not be able to do that paid online teaching gig. But there is also the chance that all of those things could work out. And sometimes, it is nice to imagine such a world.

Maybe Figured It Out

Okay, I think I figured out what has been making me so very anxious. Having seen a close friend freak out about turning 30 a few months ago, I was wary that such a thing may happen to me. So I had taken precautions to prevent such a thing from happening to me. I tried to get onto a show, and then, against all odds, I was actually cast! I also planned a trip to SE Asia. There was also potential for a family reunion in England just before my birthday, and I was very tempted to go even if the rest of my family did not.

But this pandemic hit and all of my precautions flew to the wind.

That being said, my date of birth does not hold all of the cards. I do not have to finish all of my medical school requirements by that date. I do not have to tell a girl I like her by that date. I do not have to become famous by that date. I do not need to have visited several new countries in Asia by that date.

Of course, that realization has not kept me from drinking too much for the past few nights, but it did seem to help me to loosen my abdominal muscles and to prevent anxiety attacks.

For birthday, I am aspiring to do one of the many things that I had planned to do in SE Asia, and which I will likely be able to do here in Texas: spelunking. Furthermore, I am looking forward to camping, which is something that I have not done since I was little, and never alone. That girl I like did ask if I could use a cave exploring buddy, so that may happen. I will not bet on her joining me for camping as well, but who knows.

When I told my podcasting buddies about all of these concerns regarding the aging syndrome, one of them suggested that we film a pilot episode of a tv show version of the podcast. This has been suggested to me before, but I remain unsure. This is possibly in part because I have of course seen little tangible return on the podcast itself despite pouring so much into it. Anyway, I told them that I would not ask others for help or participation until I have written a script for it that is good and funny enough that I would want to be in it if I were being asked by someone else. I think of myself as a good writer, but I do not write scripts with any frequency.

How Is Studying Going?

Very often, people ask me how studying is going. They ask because they know that that is most of what is meant to be going.

Sometimes, like this very time, I have to remind myself that I and my life are a joke. God's big prank is making me, the person who is not naturally skilled or talented in areas related to science or medicine, pursue perhaps the most respected occupation currently in existence. The stress feels real, and the anxiety is crippling, but if I can just hold onto that knowledge that it is all a joke, it eases the pain of it. I am the punchline, and if I can just remember that, then maybe I have a chance to get through it.

What did I do today? Well, it was declared to be a study day, but the anxiety was bad enough last night that I drank excessively, so I slept in today. I caught up on social media on my phone, sent out funny tweets to a small number of friends that appreciate that from me, and then finally get up to brush my teeth. I am of course careful to listen and time it so that there is minimal chance of an encounter with my youngest sister, with whom I avoid conversation because her probable personality disorder makes for difficult company. I walk from my room across the house to upstairs, where a storage room has been modified to accommodate my studying. Clutter is reportedly bad for studying. Well, it would take a thorough cleaning and there really is not space for the items therein to go elsewhere, so the problem remains.

I had spent hours in the past week literally sitting back, just roiling in anxiety, so today was just an attempt to get back into it after a full week without studying. I begin going through test questions from my last exam, becoming distracted and overwhelmed throughout. Over the course of roughly ten hours, I have completed five questions and watched two or three lectures, each consisting of roughly 20 minutes, though I watch at 1.5x speed. 

One may beg the question at this point, "Where did all the time go?"

Well, I was on social media. I played a game on my phone. I ate food. And I spent time just overwhelmed by anxiety. This level of anxiety is fairly new. It likely arises from a number of factors. I turn 30 in one month, and all of my plans to feel accomplished by that age, some of those plans fairly recent, have been severely impacted. Impacted by my own shortcomings, that of my school, difficulties with my living arrangements, and, of course, by the current global pandemic. And of course, because one does not so easily rid oneself of having a crush on someone, my mind continues to play out one-sided conversations with her about my feelings. And the anxiety overwhelms again with such a clear trigger.

I mean, five months after I first tried once again to register for the exams that will allow me to apply to residency and I still have not been able to register, much less schedule and take the exams.

So when someone casually asks how studying is going, I have to suppress the anxiety that is triggered by memories of constant anxiety without real breaks.

But maybe if I can also bear in mind that all of that anxiety, and the depression, along with all other troubles impacting my psyche, bear in mind that it is actually a joke, then maybe I have a chance. Sure it is a joke on me, but it is also bigger than that. My life is the joke and my fumbling attempt to live it is at least one of the punchlines.

Letting Go of That

I kept thinking about asking her out, about saying whatever, and I was getting so much anxiety over it. Now I am recognizing that as a lack of peace over it. So I am done with that, and maybe if I get a chance to chat with her again one on one, I will tell her about how the only time I was charming and likable around her was when I thought she already had a boyfriend.

Also, I was depressed for most of today. And then I had a migraine with aura. And then the virtual watch party I was hosting had only one attendee, and he was the host, which made it similar to every party I have every day, at least in regard to attendance.

But getting back to that girl. I am letting go of that. Or at least the me of tonight thinks that I am. And let me say, I feel relief at the prospect. Since I look for green lights and not red flags, I also feel relief at having asked God, not received a green light, and then consequently being open to changing plans. I was liking this girl for the right reasons. My mind seemed more pure as a result. But it does not appear to be of God, at least not at this time, and it is therefore the wrong path. And my mood seems to becoming better even now.

Depressive Fatigue

Depression hit again. Somewhere between hitting a mental block with studying on Tuesday, then talking to God about my frustrations during a thunderstorm on Wednesday night, then waking up early this morning to get my air conditioner fixed, I was feeling pretty rough. But I told myself, "At least you are getting your air conditioning fixed!" I dropped my car off and wandered on foot for a couple hours, just talking to God... At first, especially during the thunderstorm, I was asking about that girl, but I am so tired of that question and of school and my car and every other anxiety in my life that appears to have no resolution that today, I just tried asking God what was going on with Him. I am so tired of focusing on myself and my issues. At the end of that walk, the auto mechanic told me that the cost was far greater than originally quoted, and I also needed my tires fixed. I got the tires done at the usual place and then just had to take a minute.

My appetite has decreased. I have a repeating pattern of taking a few practice tests that score progressively lower, then burning out. I just cannot seem to keep up the necessary pace. Some clerical error keeps me from being able to register for the exams for residency applications, which has been a continuous issue for several months.

Today, I had already made excuses to avoid working out, using today as my skip day. But I was feeling so very depressed that I knew I needed something. And then I played Grand Theft Auto with my podcast friends online, bantering along the way. And still, shortly thereafter, I just feel that depression. I yearn to do so much, but it really does feel as if, in addition to my own natural inadequacies, God keeps closing windows and slamming doors.

Here is why I am now getting angry about the whole concept of liking a girl. See, it is easy when you are pretty sure that it is not realistic. Or that she probably is not interested. But like myself, this one is difficult to read. And I do not want to ruin friendship with a romantic thing. So the game plan is to tell her that I am usually trying not to like her romantically, and that I keep asking God about it, but I just need to let her know that she has exceeded my standards. At least, I think so. So take that for the compliment that it is and maybe think and pray about it unless she has made a sure answer. Friendship first, but if she feels similarly towards me, then we can pray and seek counsel on whether dating should happen.

What. A. Chore. Why do people date? Oh right, because no one does it in my way which, in theory, should help one to keep God at the very center of it. Because if you believe that He still speaks to us today, then surely you could approach dating in such a way as to allow Him to speak.

So anyway, I am pissed at this whole dating thing, at the possibilities of either rejection or life partner or ruining it somehow, at school, at this pandemic preventing me from meeting some of my great comedy heroes, at the passage of time, at being alive, at feeling like I have caged limitless potential, of being unable to travel to explore new places. of feeling stagnant, of giving up my creative side for the sake of medicine and the ensuing failures regardless, and I am tired of never getting to live out this fulfilling dream of saving the world. And I am tired of being and feeling smarter than others.

A Break In Quarantine

So, the world has shut down due to a certain virus. This lockdown has naturally postponed my travel plans and also my plans to become famous. However, it did bring about a nice opportunity recently...

A certain person that I have been trying not to like too much due to the potential emotional fallout had a birthday last week. Owing to our previous discussions about drinks she liked but could not remember, I bought her a Juice Journal. I brought this journal and a mini bottle of scotch that did not fit in the valentine I had made for her in February, and I took these to her parents' house, where she was staying for the weekend while visiting from San Antonio. Bear in mind that we are under shelter in place orders, so I have only left the house for food and drinks, and even having dinner with my grandpa has made me somewhat nervous.

So I arrive at the house and in my mind, I am wondering how to stay six feet apart and talk, when she just says "want to come in?" and I give the honest reply of "...yeah" and I do so. She loves the gifts and I meet her bengal cats, one of whom strolls up to me in a reportedly surprising move, as this one is typically less social. She has been working with patients who have the virus in the ICU, so essentially the front lines, and we discuss treatments and annoying doctors and time flows by. Her mother returns from mowing the lawn and her father from work, and as they bring out this free pizza that he had acquired, I start to try to leave. But it is made clear to me that I am not allowed to leave, so I sit down and have dinner with this gorgeous friend and her parents. She and I sit side by side with myself opposite her father, and her opposite her mother. We talk about the virus, about her father's job in landscaping, about bee keeping, about this and that. At one point, this girl says something with an incredibly strong country accent and I am fairly certain that I reflexively winced at it.

After we finished the meal, I insisted that I needed to leave in order to keep my family from discovering that I broke quarantine. The lady toward whom I struggle to restrain affections offers to walk me out. It seemed like it could potentially be a moment to tell her that I liked her, particularly considering that this was the first time I had seen her since I had sent the valentine (and the actual last time I had seen her was in mid-December). But I had decided before going there that this was not the time, and I am glad that I am holding onto that much sanity. We had not actually physically touched throughout our interaction over the past few hours, but I then gave her a hug, officially tearing quarantine asunder.

I do not know how her family perceived me, but hopefully well enough. With her, I am attempting to invest in a lifelong friend regardless of whether any romance has a chance to blossom.

Relief & Fine Evenings

As difficult as it is to believe, I feel a lot of relief from the news of the other day. It was further helped by a Wednesday night on the town with a close musician friend who happens to be visiting to play some shows. We went to a German place that has das boot, but upon our visit, they had apparently run out of the boots in the small size. Furthermore, shortly after we ordered, the owner let us know that they had been closed for half an hour and that we were not supposed to be served. So we were forced to quickly attempt to down our roughly 1500 milliliters of Kolsch beer. We very nearly managed the attempt. On the way back, we stopped at the bar which had previously had karaoke on Wednesday nights. They had a shortage of KJs for the moment, but we did make a new friend at that bar who also enjoys karaoke, and she left her contact info in the journal for future karaoke adventures. At her recommendation, we also visited another dive bar where she assured me that there would be karaoke that night. There was no karaoke. But the bar did have billiards, which was also an enjoyable game.

This evening, I get to have dinner with family and then see my friend play a show, and hopefully also meet other artsy folks in the area through that show. It is nice to do anything besides deal with my sister and myself in an attempt to remain devoted to my studies. 

Relief From Her

I felt so awful since last night, and all throughout today. That wet blanket of depression was back and for seemingly little reason. And then the girl I liked posted an insta story of a rose that had been delivered to her at work. And the weight felt as if it lifted. Finally I could stop overthinking, practicing how exactly to say what I wanted to say and ask if she liked me back, but also I have kept myself from liking her just in case she would not return the sentiment, and even if she did like me or was open to such an idea, we would need to separately pray about it and seek counsel from God-fearing people, etc. etc.

It really makes you wonder how I have stayed single for all of these years. But also how I have managed to retain most of my close female friends. Anyway, as great of a human as she is, she was very distracting, and perhaps with the knowledge that her affections have been cast elsewhere, I can finally focus properly.

Here is the thing. With her in mind, I knew that I needed to be better. And to some extent, that has been a very helpful thing. She is someone with whom I can share medical jokes/facts and geek out about Bible stuff. And I do not really have that in other people. My main thought recently had been that she exceeds my standards, but I do not think that I meet hers. I started to think that I need to become a doctor just to retain her interest. But I cannot do this doctor thing for her. Nor for any friends or family. This whole journey through medicine is my sacrifice to God, the one that He chose for me, and I need to be willing to give it up to Him at the very moment that He wants me to. Because it is His.

Maybe our timelines and geographical locations and spiritual and emotional states will match up at some point. But that point is obviously not now, and it is frankly relieving. No pressure to make things work in a given time period. Just trusting God.

Trip Cancelled

Well, the trip to SE Asia that I had been planning for two years has been cancelled, or at least postponed. The breaking point was when they changed my flight from a Dallas departure to an Atlanta one. Until this time, I was merely going to delay the flight by a month or so, but that kind of change without my consent was enough for me to just ask for a refund.

Last night, I was hit by depression again. My appetite has been decreasing and I have not been able to make myself study very much. At the moment, I have convinced myself that the girl I liked will not like me in return, which has a poor effect on me mentally. But the alternative of a let down would potentially be worse, and I do not want to risk that. But these things are merely pieces of evidence that my mind churned up after the mood change came on. The depression has not reared its ugly head in such a way for a long while. What is more, this mood change came about after I had had a good workout and a meal with the more stable part of the family.

I feel better at the moment after having coffee and sitting at Starbucks, but not much better. I fear that I have only postponed the eventuality of a depressing feeling. But maybe things will be looking up!

Maybe I just have not properly worked up the nerve, but I did go off alone for a moment to try to yell at God. The tension currently infiltrating my being seems to be pushing for that kind of release, but when I tried, my mind seemed unwilling.

Maybe I am just unwilling to be honest with myself. I should be studying for this exam, but I just keep doing worse the harder I try, in large part because I cannot find appropriate relief when I need it, which is of course because I have lost such connections due to my dedication to this pursuit of medicine. And it does not help that my sister with a personality disorder lives right next to me, and my mornings which were previously peaceful with my biggest hurdle to studying being myself, they are now frequently filled with her arguing on the phone or playing music or any number of focus-inhibiting activities.

I will try to go back to spending the remainder of my day actually studying since I did little to accomplish that thus far today.

This & Also That

Studying is not going great. But how about we avoid discussing that?

Recently, I have been reading the book of Hebrews. The author of Hebrews is likely either Barnabas or Apollos, those evangelists who worked with the Apostle Paul. I am assuming that it is Barnabas because why not. So one reason I had never particularly liked the book of Hebrews is because it has such a great focus on Jewish history, specifically regarding the use of sacrifices within the temple by the Levitical priests. The most annoying phrase in the book had previously been "a priest in the order of Malchezidek" because it never mattered to me all that much. But this time through, I wanted to get that full picture of what Barnabas was trying to say.

So he argued that Jesus was a priest in the order of Malchezidek, and this had a couple important reasonings. See, Jesus was in the tribe of Judah rather than Levi, so one would at first be inclined to think that He should have no business with offering sacrifices. However, Barnabas argues that if the Levitical priesthood was really that good, their sacrifices would have completed the task of acquiring forgiveness of sins; on the contrary, they had to repeatedly offer sacrifices over time because the sacrifices were not adequate to offer continued coverage. But with this new covenant, a new type of priesthood is required. That is when Malchezidek comes into play. Malchezidek did not belong to any tribe. He was a king and priest of his region, but Abraham still gave him his 10% tithe. So this gave some precedent for a priest outside of the Levitical priesthood. So because the Levitical priesthood was limiting in terms of its ability to cover sins and because that covenant was essentially over and done anyway, Jesus, who was from the tribe of Judah, was able to do things in a new (but also retro) way in the order of Malchezidek.

And in other news, I was got a call the other day from a reality performance show saying that they really liked me, and asked about my availability. Tomorrow, they will be doing a background check and wardrobe has asked for my measurements. So it is beginning to sound real. The only downside is that I will likely have to delay my Southeast Asia trip by a week or two in order to do it. It could be a dream come true.

Valentines & Studying

I went on my first vacation in two years (unless you count the kind of stressful weekend trip to Disney World right after that awful test last year). Cruises are nice because you are forced to unplug (unless you pay up for internet) and I at least am reminded of my talents that have not left, despite years of constant confrontation with my inadequacies that can eclipse such things. While stretching at the gym, I was approached and asked how I stay so flexible or so thin, and while singing karaoke, I have strangers going up to the KJ on my behalf unprompted and saying "You are going to want him to sing."

The end of the cruise was the day before Valentine's Day, and I had made preparations ahead of time for the girl I like to receive my valentine in the mail. A big selling point of my making origami gifts is that they show time and effort, but they are also inexpensive. Of course, this girl is sort of the impossible type, the kind that, like myself, just statistically should not be someone who I would ever naturally encounter in daily life. So I did not stop at mere origami and poetry and chocolate, which likely would have impressed her enough. I added to it a little scotch tasting, which we had had plans to do together last time she was in town until family and weather dashed such a proposition. Finding descent scotch in 50 ml bottles required a trip to Dallas (Total Wine had the goods), and then the right poster board to fold into boxes, and then figuring out how to package it right and which carriers would allow me to ship these gifts, all of these things were involved in creating this ideal gift to try to win her over. (No carriers allow alcohol shipments by the way)

It turned out that she was even in town visiting that weekend, but she was at a Bible conference, which made the scotch an even funnier gift. And she was bubbling over with amazement over all of it. It has been a week since then and we keep chatting. Anyway, since she was already in town for that conference, I do not know when I could reasonably expect another visit from her. And I am studying, so I cannot spare the time to visit her. I want to let her know that I like her and want to like her more, that she has exceeded my standards, and ask whether or not she may feel the same way. I wrote line after line of poetry in an attempt to ask it in a letter, but I did not feel peace about that. So I wrote a poem just stating things I like about her and maybe I will give that to her regardless of her answer.

In the realm of studying, well, it continues to be hard to stay motivated. As with last year's studying, test scores are progressively going down. And when scores go down, you begin to lose hope of ever leaving this phase of life. But if I can just get past this thing, this season could at long last come to a close! I keep trying to bring back images from those mission trips, of the people suffering. You know, fun weekend thoughts. Every time I let myself get distracted with my phone or something, I let future people suffer more. But if I can pull it together enough, I can save some of them! Therein lies the trouble though. How do I pull it together enough? I just need to focus for a few more weeks. Just a few more and then I fly away to SE Asia!

And when I get back, I need to figure out a game plan to take that stupid playing doctor test and find employment. Because one thing I have learned from living with my narcissistic sister at home is that I cannot live like that. Too stressful and critical and accusing in too dumb a way.

Getting Righted

I finally bought the tickets to Southeast Asia. I booked the first two nights in a hostel there. This means that I can put it out of my mind and finally put my focus back on studying.

I have spent this week trying to right myself with God. Well, not even that really, so much as clearing my mind and purifying my thinking. That combined with a regular exercise schedule is making me feel myself again. Instead of whining about where I think I should be at this point, I have to realize that the peace I felt with every horrific turn of events was a real indicator that God is making me stay put for a reason. Or reasons. 

A big part of being okay with where I am is relearning to give it to God. Giving God those failed exams, the ever-present issues with my university, and my hopes of romance in the future, giving these issues to Him in the present can allow me to have whatever future He has for me.

Today, I read in 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12, "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody." Of course, one aspect of being an academic can be an aversion to working with one's hands, but that certainly changes in the mission field. But what struck me most about the passage today was the ambition to lead a quiet life and mind one's own business. Because in the midst of trying to make a name for myself with the podcast, I simply see contrast. The secret ultimate object of it is for the podcast to become famous enough to generate income to fund medical missionary work, but at a glance, this passage seems to indicate that that is not the best pursuit. Then again, the Apostle Paul was speaking to church congregations rather than to, say, a missionary with side aspirations of being a comedy entertainer. The basic principles remain obvious, of course. Do not refrain from getting down and dirty, show that you are willing to work hard with your fellow man, and in general be a respectable person.

Rough First Day Of Studying

My mind is slowly coming back to what it is supposed to be. Liking that girl helps. She seems like someone who 12-year-old me would have liked, and he is the most wise of us all.

I am meant to be studying today, but instead, I opened up a bank account, visited with a friend for lunch, and then read some Bible. I honestly felt too tired to study and the coffee was too hot, so I became caught up in my thoughts, which are fickle and often obtrusive things. During this time, I came across the song "Left Of Your Joy" by The Collection. In the past, even recent past, I did not like that song. It is about how even though life has ravaged you, that it has all been tearing you down, "there is nothing in the past that you belong to" and it is therefore not entitled to steal the faint glimmer of joy that remains. But I most definitely relate to the lyrics about spending time in bars, and especially to "God's been closing windows and slamming doors. The rain keeps leaking in, what the hell was that house for?"

Do you know what I was supposed to be doing at this point in my grand plan? Relaxing and then studying for the Step 3 exam as I waited for Match Week. Instead, I am studying to retake part of the Step 2 exam, even though my school still has not cleared me to register for those exams. My transcript was never sent to me and I am looking at the age of 30 coming up this summer with the feeling of inadequacy. I likely will not be a doctor at that point, nor will I likely be out of the country, nor do I even have employment prospects.

I like a girl but am not exactly eager to try dating junior high style, using my parent's money.

I just... I just want to get past these few stupid months, maybe ask God and also that girl what they think about us dating, and then I need for us living in different cities to be less big of a deal, and also my desire to move to Arkansas and her desire to live closer to family.

But if I bother to trust in Him and His plan, to recognize that He closed windows and slammed doors for a reason, that my own inadequacies maybe have a purpose in all of this, that maybe He has better ideas than my own toward which He is building.

Recollections & Reflections From 2019

Did I even write reflections last year? I feel as if this is an important exercise that should not be neglected. I often do a poor job of living in the present, but reviewing the recent past can help us learn about who we currently are, who we previously were, and who we should try to be.

The year began with the last month of my last core rotation. General Surgery was nice in that, because of the other student present, I often seemed fairly capable. It was a lot of time in the hospital, feeling very entrenched in what we were doing. Then came my elective rotations. My nephrology rotation had me with the best dressed doctor with whom I have had the pleasure to have worked, and also the only doctor who skipped the small talk and filled any extra time with having me present medical topics to him. With him, I got to see a deep vein thrombosis. My emergency medicine rotation was neat, and it made me consider going into that specialty, but then the doctor got tired of me after a few overnights, and my desire for that sleep-deprived, stressful life similarly exhausted itself.

Then I moved back to my hometown and began studying in addition to completing an online research rotation. Unfortunately, I had been studying and working for over a year, and was therefore overdue for time off. Instead, I doubled down on studying, and in need of some form of relief, I started my podcast, which has turned out to be a wonderful creative relief for me despite a complete lack of financial success. Then I took the Step 2 Clinical Skills exam, which I failed despite what I will maintain was a perfectly adequate performance. Days later, I went to Disney World for my birthday because I wanted any sort of relief, but as the only child at heart in that company of siblings, it was actually fairly stressful.

Then I again through myself into studying over the summer. And just as with the Step 1 exam, I became burned out and stopped taking practice tests. Then ten days before the Step 2 Clinical Knowledge exam, I learned that I had failed the Step 2 CS, and days before the CK, my friend told me that if I passed this test, he could still likely get me into his residency program. Unfortunately, under the stress and anxiety associated with that kind of pressure, along with the procurement of a doctorate suddenly becoming emphatically important to family, I failed the exam by 12 points (not scored out of 100 by the way).

So in September, I worked as a medical student at the neurology clinic where I had previously worked as a medical assistant. It was nice, despite the fact that I learned about my failing grade during this time. A bright spot in there was that on September 28, not that I just looked up the times, I got to hang out with a girl I have been liking. We had drinks and largely because I thought at the time that she had a boyfriend, I was charming without being intimidated by her looks. And though she had to leave for birthday party, she was emphatic that she wanted to stay because we really were enjoying each other's company so much. She texted me the next day to reiterate how much she enjoyed it, and I replied in kind.

After that rotation ended, my plan was to get right back to studying. But I could not. Years of stress and anxiety became a collective suppressing blanket and any efforts at studying resulted in my staring at my computer screen for hours, simply unable. Thus I spent October first attempting to study, and then resigning myself to recovering and, to an extent, existing. The clinical rotation that I had planned for that month fell through, which meant that I would not be finished by the end of the year as previously planned. I felt quite hopeless as it became clear that my school and the rotation booking agency I had used for the previous year were not coordinating well, so my transcript was not coming together for my residency application. Even if I managed to get a date to retake exams in time, I would still be unable to get that application in without my transcript. And then I was unable to register for exams for a stupid complication leftover from my transferring schools, a complication that should not have existed at this point and yet still has not been resolved to this day.

In November, I flew to Florida to do a clinical rotation with my sister's doctor because another clinical rotation had fallen through, and it was nice to have a change of setting. Physicians there held in high esteem my desire to do medical missionary work in far-flung places that lacked modern conveniences. I stayed with my sister, who similarly felt burned out with her job, but her company caused me to remember that I am a far more active and outgoing person than most of my siblings. I could not relate to my sister's dreams of retirement. I have given up doing so much in my 20's for the sake of medicine, so the desire of doing even less is unthinkable to me.

I flew back home for Thanksgiving and got to spend time with family, a privilege which I am sure will be a luxury in years to come. That weekend, on November 30, I had the privilege of meeting that girl for drinks while she was in town. It was hurried but still nice to see her. She complained that I had met some of her family, but she had not met mine. That night, I went to my friend Cameron's 30th birthday party, where our mutual friends celebrated him with a surprise theme of very Cameron things. It naturally brought to mind my own journey to 30 years of age which would occur roughly six months later. It just so happens to fall upon my birthday, but we have tentative family plans to potentially be in my current favorite city in the world, Edinburgh, possibly in the company of our British relatives. In any case, the age of thirty is fast approaching and I am wary.

For the next month, I did a rotation that was just for fun, plastic surgery. I learned to be much more critical of peoples' appearances. This surgeon claimed to love his job, which I thought might be sarcastic at first, but I think he was serious. This is the first doctor I have worked with who said it in a genuine manner. Thanks to him, I was also able to go to the best steakhouse in Dallas for a pharm rep dinner, which was something that I had very much been hoping for since starting clinical rotations.

During this time, I auditioned for America's Got Talent. I should probably have just sent in a video because I messed up a little for the live performance, but it was still a good experience. I think that they are supposed to tell us whether we made it in a month or so, and that could have an effect on my dates for Southeast Asia, so we will see.

I also got to be home for Christmas, which is an opportunity that I had missed the year before. First it was Christmas with family, then we flew to Florida to have a few days of heavy drinking with a few more relatives. I learned on this trip from my grandfather that we stand to gain a significant inheritance from him because of his frugality, a trait that I and much of my family has inherited. He also expressed details of his relationship to our deceased grandmother that I very much appreciated hearing. He credits many of his critical decisions to her, saying that when his answers were "maybe", hers were "yes" and "no" and I thought about how wonderful it would be to have such a reliable Christ-loving presence in life. And he had previously shared that he had proposed to her via post because life and work got in the way, but they still managed to have that devoted connection. That has stuck with me as such an inspiring thing.  He also shared tales of driving around in Uganda and coming across an elephant that had been rejected from its herd, and proceeded to chase him. In his attempt to escape, his car stopped as the elephant continued its angry approach. Fortunately, the car started again and they managed their liberation. Another story he shared was that for most creatures, you could see them coming and manage them, but this was not the case for snakes. One day, he was coming home and before entering the house, he happened to glance down. There were two snakes. He took care of that problem, but noted that if he had not glanced down, those snakes could have slithered right inside where his wife and children happened to be at that particular moment. When asked about his New Years Resolutions, this grandfather simply said that he considered himself to be "in the waiting room" to finally go home to Jesus, and until then, he is trying to remain fit to avoid the doctor and to continue to live frugally.

Then we flew back from Florida on New Years Eve and I went to a party with some dear friends. At this party, I foolishly drank a lesser alcohol and subsequently paid the price for such a decision. The fireball hangover was potent and my plans to write these blogs yesterday were postponed, in part because owing to the actions of a past me who forgot to mention it to present me, the ibuprofen had been relocated.

In the posts about the previous year in years past, I had written of my spiritual struggles, of lessons learned about God and myself and beliefs and theology. Now, I mostly use this blog to write out my frustrations. This is deeply related to my time spent entrenched in medical things and away from church communities, but I was able to keep up with spiritual development in college even when the ministry involvement was lacking. Maybe the problem is that I intellectualize so much, but at the same time, I have always had a similar approach. It is just that my wealth of knowledge had previously only been in the Bible, and has since expanded to include the Bible as well as science and medicine, as well as an ever-growing resentment toward the abuse of the Christian faith in the name of wealth or power.

I have seen Christian leaders who I previously respected and whose ministries I trusted begin to post about political things, taking sides. I learned from this that I cannot fully trust their ministries, but more importantly, that I should continue to refrain from publicly taking sides like this on any public forum. Like myself, people will render judgments based on their knowledge and reasoning. If I advocate for the right to an abortion, some people will only hear that I want to kill babies. If I advocate in the opposite manner, as I once did in previous years, some people will think that I am narrow-minded and do not respect women.  I cannot explain my full reasoning to every person that sees what I am saying, and even if I do, only so many will be open to hearing me out rather than blurting out their pre-formed opinion. You cannot please everyone but with regard to these issues, silence and wisdom go hand in hand.

2020

Well, the year is 2020. For the first time in a very long while, I do not need to show up to any clinical thing to work for free in the name of gaining more experience. I have finished my clinical rotations and need only to pass exams in order to finally obtain my doctorate. My trip to SE Asia is a few months off, as is hopefully the case for my retaking medical school exams. And, you know, maybe America's Got Talent, depending on whether they liked my audition.

I miss being so close to God. Bible reading has fallen off for the past couple months, but I am getting back on it. One big issue is that I just so strongly dislike how politicized American Evangelical Christianity has become. In terms of my beliefs and theology, I think that I most strongly identify with that group. However, in the realm of politics, too many of that group are outspoken in favor of leaders and movements that seem antagonistic towards our supposed shared beliefs. How can I step foot in a church to be as open and vulnerable as would be spiritually appropriate if I have to be wary of the support of greed and immorality in this country?

This is one reason why the mission field remains so appealing. No politics, no opinions on the creation of the world, no focus on money in general. Just going and pouring yourself out like a drink offering. But I have years yet before I reach that point.

There is a girl that I am liking, about whom many of my reservations are leaving, but such is to be expected when you do not see them often (and when they are very physically attractive). Same girl that I have liked off and on for years now. She seems to like me too, though not necessarily romantically. Anyway, the thing I like most about her is her love for God. But in a hilarious twist of events, I have found myself as someone who currently avoids church in spite of my faith. And it continually pains me to find myself in this position. Even aside from my own personal anguish in this regard, I realize that it would reflect poorly on me if I had romantic interest in someone who is similarly committed to God and yet I do not currently participate in conventional Christian community.

But I will be a doctor relatively soon. So there is something to look forward to this year.