Downside To Well-Rounded

This summer, when I told some people about my perspective on the idea of being well-rounded, someone said, "Now I'll play the devil's advocate. How do you deal with pride from learning to be good at so many things?"

I fumbled for an answer for a moment, then said "The moment I'm good enough at anything to get prideful, I'll let you know."

It's the big downside to being well-rounded; I'm not good at everything. I know that I am good at speaking, at writing (though the pre-professional committee disagrees with that), and at sleeping, and at humor, but beyond that, it's mostly a trying world where I'm constantly struggling to be good enough to be usable. Not good, but usable.

This is why, as I mentioned in a recent post, I need that individual aspect with God. He keeps me accountable and inspired. I complain to Him rather than to those around me when I am struggling. I keep working at it, and He keeps working in me, so that even though I feel like I'm constantly busy, I look back and realize that it's for a reason, and that He really has done stuff in me. He really has brought me from being virtually tone deaf a year and a half ago to leading worship (I use this example over and over because I still think it's ridiculous that I made this much progress in so little time).

The best parts of life are the parts where you learn the most by going through the hardest things. Without those parts, making it to the seasons of ease and pleasure isn't all that great.

Rolemodels

I've accidentally stumbled upon different comedian-documentary-type movies lately, namely Man On The Moon, in which Jim Carrey portrays the life of comedian Andy Kaufman, and then Conan O'Brien's Just Can't Stop. I relate a lot to Conan, as he's the only tv personality I feel a great similarity to (though Jim Carrey used to be my rolemodel in that respect).

These guys are so incredible though. They work so, so hard to make everything the best possible thing it can be, whether it's a joke, a performance, or whatever else. And one thing Conan said in the movie struck me a lot. He said he talked to a fan who said that his friend had tried to talk to Conan, but Conan blew him off. Conan replied, "That is impossible" in the most serious manner, 'cause he really does do so much to make sure he can do something to thank his fans for their support, even though he just got done jumping around, singing, dancing, and sweating for hours.

After going on the missions trip to the Philippines this summer, I got a taste of the great ideal life I could live as a missionary. Being well-rounded means that I will be able to help with as many aspects of ministry as possible, from bringing practical relief through medicine to dancing to editing videos to leading worship, and to whatever else I can manage to learn. And throughout, I will need to be as energetic and friendly as possible, because I want to represent Jesus properly. The life I'm excited to live is also the most exhausting and trying life.

Things I legitimately plan to learn when I have the time, means, and inspiration: web design, After Effects, guitar (maybe piano), popping/tutting/shuffling/dubstep, audio tech soundboard junk, to use DSLR cameras, to use professional video cameras, necessary languages (but that's in the future), basic construction skills, basic car repair skills, different wines and alcohols, to do good accents, and probably a world of other things I can't think of or don't know about yet.

Love God

God has called me back a lil’. In my habit of extremes, I’ve gotten to used to the community mindset at JBU and negated to pay attention to the individual mindset I grew up with. I’ve grown to depend on people depending on me, to the point that if no one is depending on me, I don’t bother to work on my relationship with God. So today, God reminded me of why I first pursued Him. It wasn’t because I was surrounded by great Christians, or because I was brought up right. It was because I genuinely wanted to get to know Him. It’s the whole Love God, Love People thing, which, as simple as it is, is pretty easy to get off-track with.

Community is good, but God is gooder. I need to remember my first love if I want to discover the rest of what love means.

New Things In Mind

I'm better today than I was for last night's post. But when I write about things that frustrated late at night, it comes from something real. I really have found myself enjoying the fact that I'm doing good at school, and since I haven't been pleading on my knees the whole time for God to intervene and make it that way, I haven't been giving him the glory for what He's been doing; rather, I've been taking it for myself, and that doesn't work for anyone for long.

I need to ask Him what He wants from me this semester 'cause I feel like He's got new things in mind. And since I've got the mind of Christ, I'd better start thinking a lil' more like it.

The Unfortunate Truth I Live

So, you know that feeling of wanting to be needed? I don't feel exactly that, but I'm feeling like it's because of the lack of being needed that I haven't bothered to: find a church, be actively involved in an on-campus ministry, be involved in an off-campus ministry, or even take advantage of Bible classes and theologians on campus who would probably love to help me learn the meaning behind such words as "hope" and "grace".

For the month I was at home this summer, I had time to realize that my family needed someone to keep things stable and Christian, and since I used to fill that role, I tried to do so again. And even though I had just been doing missions work in the Philippines, I was still a lot less faithful to God with my time than I needed to be. See, being needed gives me a need to be able to fill a need. At JBU, life is pretty stinkin' dandy. Spiritually, I don't have to do all that much to get by. But the moment I get a call from home, I remember that life outside of this JBU bubble has troubles.

I miss the old me, the me that worked hard on being faithful to God (though I was a bit of a superChristian) and to my family and towards being respectful of authority, and then seeing the change that happened within my family over the course of my high school years. I know that when I'm faithful to God, the world around me changes.

But now, I mostly feel a curiosity about different alcoholic beverages I have yet to try, and much of my free time is spent looking for such products and for places to partake of them. That's not a bad thing in my mind, except that I really am looking for that as a distraction from what I should be dealing with: God and I.

That's the unfortunate truth I've found myself living. I want to drink wine and talk about God and hopes and dreams, but my ideal situations haven't turned out, so such ideas remain separate and aloof from one another.

When It Comes To Roommates

New rule with roommates:

Always know them before you room with them. Getting to know someone while learning to live with them isn't pleasant.

Even if you only have a few conversations with them beforehand, have a few conversations with them beforehand. I only say this because I think I would get along with my current roomie if we had been friends beforehand. Also, I never feel masculine while writing the word "roomie."

Dreaming

Dreams are, in my opinion, among the most important parts of the day. I can't stand it when people say that they feel like they missed half the day when they slept in. I mean, you got to be in the ideal state of being! Relaxing and having adventures all in one package. It's Avatar, but good!

So if you find yourself only sleeping for the purpose of making it to the day, remember to dream. And remember: daydreaming as you fall asleep can be a stepping-stone into wonderful new worlds.

One- or Two-Way Relationships

The problem with trying to compose a nice lil' blog on an issue you've been dealing with is that if you haven't figured it out, you don't have a clear way of expressing yourself.

Suffice it to say, it's annoying when two-way relationships, where two people put the same amount of time and effort (and whatnot) into a relationship, is much preferable to one-way relationships.

Also, mosquito bites. I've figured those out (I suppose), but they've mostly just itched. Nothing worth making a blog over. G'night.

Well-Rounded

So, I am a fan of the concept of being well-rounded, and it's not just 'cause I'm a tad on the skinny side.

A year and a half ago, I was virtually tone-deaf. Then, my friend had me tune his guitar in different ways just so I could learn which notes were higher, and which lower. Now, I'm getting ready to do a one-hour worship set before Thanksgiving. And I'm leading the vocals for the most part.

Two years ago, I knew absolutely nothing of video editing. Then I got a Macbook Pro and made a video blog called LondonSmith.com. This summer, I was able to make videos for a youth event in the Philippines, then another one to summarize the 8 1/2 hours of footage from the missions trip into five minutes. And it looked good.

I'm a pre-med Biology major and my best subjects are history and English. But thanks to being well-rounded, I will never be restricted to just one important field of work. I will be as useful as possible wherever I go, and that means I get to be a blessing wherever I go.

So whenever you can, to the greatest degree you can, learn. Even/especially if you know nothing about what you're going into.

Confrontation

For as long as I can remember, I've thought that the more you confront something, the less it controls you.


I have horrible stage fright. Like, my body freaks out: my heart pounds, my voice cracks, and my hands shake. So I spent much of junior high and high school on the stage because I wanted to confront and conquer that fear.
When I got into a car accident at 16 years old and had terrifying flashbacks (images of the other car smashing into the driver's side door), I concentrated on those flashbacks, because I didn't want that fear to control me. When I'd wake up in the middle of the night, I didn't try to pray them away; I focused on them.
When my parents got a divorce, I spent several months confronting issues in myself that I thought could eventually lead to future marital troubles in my own life, even though all the trouble was happening at home, 300 miles away from college. All because I didn't want those fears to control me.


The downside to this approach, to always confronting every major issue dead-on, is that it's difficult and takes time. The upside is that those things no longer have control over you. In my opinion, it's worth it for the upside.

Worth Sharing

Sometimes, I forget to take advice which I so generously dispense to others.

One such piece of advice is that everyone has something worth talking about to talk about. I'm basing this, of course, on the premise that everyone in the world is at least as interesting as all the people in the world I've met.

So rather than share revelations and reflections exclusively on a blog which is subject to the whims of the interwebs, easily deleted, discarded, misplaced, or anything else, I will also be sharing such ideas on other more popular sites, like Tumblr, because even if the thoughts are lost to the wiles of the interwebs, at least someone will have at least glanced at them, and, hopefully, applied even a glimmer of it to their own life.

Why I Love Snow Patrol

With some artists, you can put all their music on shuffle and it'll all kinda work together. They might be sharing new ideas, but their actual music doesn't go through much change.

What I love about Snow Patrol is how distinctly different each album is. It's like with every album, they have entered into an entirely new season with new relationships, new themes, and, very importantly, new sounds.

And now their latest EP features some styles from different ends of the spectrum. One is a more mainstream-sounding song, and another is largely acoustic and a lil' indie-sounding (like their first album). I also love that their lyrics are so much like poetry. I've listened to their Hundred Million Suns album loads of times and only after many times through do I begin to catch the depth of the poetry they're singing. Brilliance.

Quiet Time

Sometimes, I forget the most basic, important things.

Whenever something just feels off, and I can't seem to put my finger on it, it can be one of many things. Like, if I have a big thought on my mind, some revelation, and I feel anxious, that means I need to write it down as fast as possible.

Tonight, I kept thinking that strange feeling, like everything is off. I felt all odd and introverted, and I just wasn't sitting right. I thought to myself, "Maybe I need to write something," but when I thought of what to write, my mind came up blank. Then I saw a nice little secluded area and remembered the value of Quiet Time. It's among three important aspects of your Christian walk which you should never go too long without: prayer time, Bible time, and quiet time. We often mistake/replace one for another, especially by replacing quiet time with prayer time, but this isn't a good idea.

We need that time spent in silence. Usually, I'll express my joys, frustrations, and confusions to God until I'm driven to silence, and then I just sit there. And therein I find that anxiety drifts away.

Here's Something Strange

Yet I suppose I should've expected it. In the month and a half surrounding my missions trip to the Philippines, alcohol of all varieties didn't taste good. Like, at all. This is out of the ordinary, 'cause my siblings always think I'm weird for my love for the taste of alcohol, especially red wine, which they only tend to drink for the sake of getting a buzz. So until I came back to school, all of it tasted awful. But I've started trying a few things again, and it's all delicious. Like, all of it.

All that to say, maybe it's best to avoid drinking when you're in ministry. It's something I already figured, but God has chosen to make my taste buds agree.

Giving Gifts

I love making/buying presents for people. Every little inside joke or memory is a chance to find objects that represent some aspect of it and add your own touch. Also, it's supposed to be like my top love language.

After putting a few items together, I learned how to make a box out of paper. I never thought I could make one look this good (I've tried and my other attempts have been ghastly). Simply green.

I would reveal more information about its contents, but I won't be giving the gift till Saturday. Suffice it to say that in the many countries I traveled to this summer, I picked up a few incredible trinkets along the way.

The Ups And Downs Of Closet Therapy

Today, I talked with my good friend, Katie Williams, about people coming to each of us for advice. I've been a bit of a closet therapist since junior high, and at one point wished to be a psychiatrist for that reason. I love practicing empathy, trying to learn and understand what makes people react in different ways, and all the thought processes involved, because people are quite simply fascinating.

But she also brought up how people in her family had begun seeking advice from her, and how weird that is. And how weird it must be for me. And she was right.

'Cause for me, I was sorta the Christian support that was keeping our family good and Christian until I left. Then, nine or ten months after I left for college, my parents got a divorce.

Since then, I've still been looked to as a stable one who kinda knows God's opinion on things. But that pressure is never meant to fall on the child. Because, to be perfectly honest, I'm not spiritually where I need to be when I'm at home, for the most part. I struggle a lot there, but since I'm at least struggling in the right direction, I still remain one of the more stable ones at home.

This means that when there is a problem when I'm at home, I'm often the one to separately hear what both parents have to say (much more than I should be hearing), then share what needs to be shared with the other parent to avoid bickering between them and allow for the best possible course for the problems (which, since the divorce, have all typically stemmed from Alexandra, the 16-year-old rebellious sister).

Fortunately, I was brought up well, so I know how to lighten my load. My dad constantly talked about authority when I was growing up, so I know that if there's a family problem, I need to take it all to the parents, and they can enforce what they need to, and I can (respectfully) give advice, then it's out of my hands.

Embracing A Pet Peeve

As this is my blog, which I am giving myself free reign with, I am going to publish something which is a pet peeve of mine when it comes to everyone else's blogs. Poetry. For this assignment, we were to use a news article as a jumping point. I've been to Kenya, where the droughts are apparently awful now, so the Maasai tribe has begun fighting wildlife for water, and that is what inspired the poem.

Livestock Battle

The men claim to be other than brutish beasts,

Yet it is as plain to my eyes as the burning sun above

To which kingdom they belong.

They are animals.

Crouching around the watering hole,

With sharpened wooden teeth in hand,

Keenly watching through the tall yellow grass,

They hunt.

Though they pretend to own their thirst,

Their thirst consumes them.

At least we admit what we are,

We drought-driven wildlife;

But they refuse such confessions

And claim to be “better than animals.”

Though my trunk touches the ground,

And my thirst consumes me too,

And though I’m as big as a house,

I’m still more human than you.

As The Saying Goes

"Boozes before foodzes."

The Burden Of Travel

So, sometimes it stanks when you kinda have a group figured out. You know, your regular default group that you text at the start of each weekend to ask what's going down. I had a few high hopes for this group, having had some real good talks with all of them (separately). Little did I know that with three guys and two girls, I would be left while the others decided to couple up. And it doesn't help when some alcohol is introduced.

It's still foolish for me to get a girlfriend. All the girls I've been interested in have been either far too like me or far too different, which is a huge downer, 'cause I'm aiming for one of those ones that aren't exactly like me, but are enough like me for our careers to match up (so we aren't stuck after we graduate).

When God tells you to be a medical missionary, it seems like a lot of fun. I've been to Europe, Africa, Asia, and the UK. But when it comes down to it, you see some of the most beautiful sights in the world and wish that nameless someone was there with you. You're forced to pretend whoever is with you can make a temporary replacement, or, if you're just plain alone (like I was in Ireland this summer), you imagine that your crush from the States is right there with you, and that she loves it just as much as you.

But that was another unfortunate revelation. When I finally find her and show her the wonders I've seen, will she even like it? Or will she scoff and want to move on? It's almost terrifying to think that the most beauteous things in the world will be plain and ugly from the eyes of someone you see as similarly beautiful.

Belfast, in the words of multiple locals, is a s***hole. But in my eyes, the eternal green rolling landscape and the cold drizzling rain make it simply brilliant. There's just something about it, and I hope against hope that that future someone will see something near what I see when I look at it.

Attempt To Define Grace

I'm really surprised to have some strangers reading this. But a stranger who comments on your blog is a truer friend than all those ones who don't bother (except in the way that they aren't).

So, I often find myself telling yours truly that I should keep working hard and expect nothing in return. When I start to expect anything from people, I tend to view it as a bad thing, 'cause no one owes me anything if I choose to invest time in them. I often don't feel like I have mutual friendships, because I will invest an incredibly huge amount of time in a person or people, freeing up time in case they can meet up, often to find that they decided on something else. And I tell them it's fine. And that's how I feel, too, but it's taken me awhile to understand how I feel that way.

See, in 2 Corinthians 12, Paul talks about how he's got this thorn in his side, this thing which I see as something where he's lacking. He's not talented enough, or not naturally gifted enough. So he asks God to take it away. Over and over. Three times he asks God, then finally God shuts Him up by saying "My grace is sufficient for you."

So my thought was, what the hole does that mean? God's grace can be a pretty vague thing. So I looked it up, and here's the basic idea I learned, which kinda gives me an idea of why I do what I do.

Grace, in the Greek translation, is sort of a "kindness" or "favor" from God. In context, it's God's continual watching over Paul, giving him opportunities, friends, joy, and other such wonderful things. So as I'm pushing forward, fighting for every opportunity (whether socially, academically, or whatever), God keeps throwing his grace, this constant flow of blessings and favor on me, and He reminds me that it's sufficient. It'll do the job He wants done.

It's all His anyway. His grace is exactly sufficient to do what He wants. Jesus kinda already went all-in for us, so He's already gone the more-than-mutual friend route for us. It's pretty handy, I think.


2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

'Cause Blogs Have To Talk About 9/11 Today

Today marks the ten year anniversary of 9/11. I heard the news of what happened over the radio on the car ride to school, but I didn't think anything of it, and my school was stupid enough to focus on school instead of the event, so I only got to see the footage later that afternoon.

Oh how times have changed since then.

This Just In

My roommate decided to switch off my music alarms and replace them first with nudging, then with his own jazz music. And lights. And loud. Not okay.

Not A Poet (Misinformed)

Turns out that I'm not a naturally gifted poet, despite what I thought. So now I actually have to work in my Creative Writing class to get good grades. Ridiculous!

But really, from what the professor tells me, I'm good at structure, form, and playing with language, but I'm too abstract. I need to be better at imagery.



I suppose if I really want to do well in that class, I might have to dig into what's real in my life. Crushes on the womenfolk, trouble at home, peace at school, and the endless working and learning process which I've finally found myself able to enjoy again.

Side note: This new blogger setup makes me feel like I can write a lot, so I might be wordy. If you (meaning the extreme lack of people who read this) dislike that, go to my Tumblr. Everything there is short and scrumptious. This blog is for the more dedicated, and, therefore, for no one.

Can I be honest here? I just wish that I could get coffee with people and them not be so busy as to make that an impossibility. In the last two weeks, I've asked like 5-10 people out for coffee, and only Katie managed it (and she lives next to the coffeeshop). I just want to get to know people where they are. And to learn why they do what they do, and what makes them tick. A big way to give depth to friendships is to have real talks about life, and the less limited you are on time (at least an hour is essential), the better it will be.

I tend to angle my blog a little towards whatever readers I may have, but since I'm without a following, I suppose that I can write whatever I like. Unlike every other social networking site, where I feel constrained to a particular style and content.

Right now, I'm missing that precious period of time when I'm in bed, waiting to fall asleep, when creativity flows and I'm imagining that I can fly, and that I pull a Superman and tell my crush to stand on my feet, then I fly us into the stars, somehow incorporating "A Whole New World" from Aladdin into the mix. The alternative to that would be to think of the songs "Set Down Your Glass" and "The Planets Bend Between Us" by Snow Patrol, and imagine myself to be the speaker in those wondrous pieces of poetry, walking up to and along the Northern Coast of Ireland, huddling into each other.

"And I'm shaken that I'm still;
When your eyes meet mine
I lose simple skills
Like to tell you
All I want
Is now."

Favorite.

When I Have Coffee

I write a lot when I get coffee. Even if I go to Pour Jons and request less coffee, more cream, my brevee (sp?) still had me wired. So I managed to write several poems (unrelated to what I was supposed to write for my Creative Writing class), and even for those I could hardly concentrate. I drank the coffee from around 9:00-10:00 PM, and I'm just now starting to slow down enough in my thinking to actually do homework.

But I must admit, I love those endorphins that coffee tends to release.

From Afar

Youngest sister is now into the hard drugs.

My mom is insecure and easily swayed.

My dad is trying to play both roles.

What is right and what is wrong

Has been lost in instability.

I give advice from afar,

But someone closer

Must make a move.

It's Official

Being the dumb one in your lab group is much preferable to being the smart one. In Physics, I have to argue with one of my lab partners till he agrees that my answer is correct. In Organic Chemistry, I have to figure everything out and tell my partner what to do. 'Cause apparently, I got paired with someone who's as bad as me (you can tell because we sing together throughout lab).

I'll Have What He's Having

After rooming with a mildly autistic ADD guy for over two weeks, I've begun to think one thing. I just might be autistic and ADD.

Well, I always wanted to be autistic. Maybe my dreams were already true!

Time With People

Sometimes, you wish you had spent more time with people. People and their time in our lives are both fickle things, and therefore it is of great worth to be around them as much as possible for certain seasons. People are a privilege to be with. If you find any people who are working and learning to be who God has called them to be, and are open and learning from others throughout, those are people worth being with. In fact, if you go too long without finding others like that to be around, you tend to either lose your passion, or become discouraged because you feel that you’re the only one who’s as passionate as you are.

You’re never alone in what you’re doing. Ever.

But you only get to be with people for so long. Treasure them. Because they are remarkable.