Free For Awhile

Despite how foolishly I scheduled both family and internal medicine shelf exams a week apart, I managed to pass both of them. So now I can visit friends in Arkansas this weekend without that hanging over me. I honestly do not even know how to feel. It is so relieving to be done with my hardest rotations for my third year, to know that I do not have to take another written exam until next year. Instead of being bothered by those stupid things, I can just focus on learning for awhile.

I really miss living life, and it looks as if 2019 could involve a lot of life after I take the Step 2 exam.

What a dream.

Bereft of Dreams

I was surprised to learn that I passed last week's family medicine shelf exam. I am not expecting such nice outcomes tomorrow, but we will see.

This family medicine rotation is incredibly casual. The doctor is old and paid salary, so he moves very slowly and will stop in the middle of a busy time to tell a joke, usually in one of those "my ex-wife" styles. I scheduled my exams for the weekends so that I can take off a couple Fridays (in the name of said exams) this month to get away.

I plan to visit Arkansas next week, then home a couple weeks later for Halloween. My lack of motivation has been most of my company recently, and my thoughts have not been what they should be, so I have been drinking more. I just... I feel as if, at the end of the day, I am bereft of something to dream about in the future. I want to imagine traveling, or getting away.

Dreaming of the next thing has always been a safe place for me. It is a little spot in my mind into which I can retreat to take an occasional mental break. Study breaks can be filled with research, then I can imagine it playing out as I go to sleep. In fact, for all of my talk of loving travel, what I love the most about it is probably dreaming of it. When I get there, I consume it, try to live it, but in some ways I am miserable. That is, when I travel for myself. When I do missionary work, that is fulfilling. For those trips, I am anticipating as someone else plans it, and the excitement is this brilliant thing of knowing that for that span of time, you are doing God's will. You are attempting to make an impression, and ultimately, you dispose of whatever negative opinion you might have formed because it is not about you.

But my near future consists of seeing friends and a concert. Then after I finish these last rotations, I will be studying for the most important exam of my life, one that will decide what specialty I can pursue. There is a chance that I could go to Africa in June, but that is unlikely. The real exciting possibility will be my backpacking trip to Southeast Asia in 2020, but that is just so, so very far away.